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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When is it sexual harassment ?

35 replies

Bumgrabs · 22/12/2023 01:29

Had a work party the other night. A colleague grabbed my arse and I told him to fuck off. What do you constitute sexual harassment?

OP posts:
Precipice · 22/12/2023 01:36

Harassment is a course of conduct, so when it happens more than once. I'd call this sexual assault instead.

I'm really sorry this happened to you, OP. I would definitely consider taking this further.

10HailMarys · 22/12/2023 01:38

That’s sexual assault.

autienotnaughty · 22/12/2023 01:39

As said above. What do you want to do next? Confront him? Speak to her? We're there any witnesses?

Original poster
Bumgrabs · 22/12/2023 02:57

@autienotnaughty i guess this is my question? What do I do next? But what do i want to do next…? Surely it’s not up to me? Are there not policies and procedures?
how do you prove it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bumgrabs · 22/12/2023 02:59

It’s not the first time this has happened.

OP posts:
autienotnaughty · 22/12/2023 03:03

Hopefully someone who has experienced this will come along.. I would write down everything that has happened dates etc and take it to your hr manager. Has any of it happened in the workplace or only on nights out ?

Original poster
Bumgrabs · 22/12/2023 03:08

My concern is when it comes to my word against his.

OP posts:
buidhe · 22/12/2023 03:08

Does your company have a published bullying and harassment policy and a disciplinary policy? A work party is an extension of the workplace and caught by the standards set out in these policies. You need to escalate this with your manager and ask for it to be dealt with.

buidhe · 22/12/2023 03:08

Any witnesses? Anyone else likely to vouch for similar behaviour?

Original poster
Bumgrabs · 22/12/2023 03:10

@buidhe but is it likely to be dealt with? How does one prove it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bumgrabs · 22/12/2023 03:12

One witness, several people subject to verbal

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 22/12/2023 03:13

It comes down to how much confidence you have in your company to handle it. None of us can advise on that. The absence of witnesses is not an issue. Sexual assaults are often committed privately.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 22/12/2023 03:14

Your word plus a witness should be more than enough.

Original poster
Bumgrabs · 22/12/2023 03:16

@TestingTestingWonTooFree isn’t that a contradiction? I either have confidence in my company or it’s my word and witness?

OP posts:
flowerchild2000 · 22/12/2023 03:19

Unwanted sexual conduct of any type. I think actual grabbing is beyond harassment though, not sure of the term, but something along the lines of sexual assault. Maybe that is the right word. They need more than a fuck off, they can't get away with that.

Original poster
Bumgrabs · 22/12/2023 03:23

@flowerchild2000 they sadly will get away with it though if I don’t approach it correctly

OP posts:
buidhe · 22/12/2023 03:27

The company are under a duty to deal with it as they have to protect their employees at work. If it's a small organisation they may struggle with this as unfamiliar. They should still do it. The conduct you are complaining of could easily be seen as gross misconduct - and could result in dismissal.

flowerchild2000 · 22/12/2023 03:30

Bumgrabs · 22/12/2023 03:23

@flowerchild2000 they sadly will get away with it though if I don’t approach it correctly

I've never been successful in having anyone held accountable for sexual misdeeds towards me, but I am in the US and men get away with everything. I've never been believed. Always blamed! I hope you have a better system where you are. You shouldn't even bear the burden of responsibility in this, just report it and it's taken care of. You have my full support and sympathy. Hopefully it goes better than you think it might :/

Original poster
Bumgrabs · 22/12/2023 03:32

@buidhe its not a small company, but they don’t like fuss shall we say. I’m struggling with whether someone grabbing my arse will be taken seriously

OP posts:
Emma8888 · 22/12/2023 03:33

It's sexual assault and the correct thing to do is report it to your superior and HR (unless it was your superior doing it then just HR). Be factual, tell them who else was present and it is their job to take it from there.

Be prepared that someone being there does not necessarily mean they saw it / were sober enough to trust their recollection or they may simply want no involvement.

Ultimately without corroboration it is he said / she said and is unlikely to go any further, since either side could be lying (to be clear I am not suggesting you are, but plenty of people make things up to get others sacked).

AlmostAJillSandwich · 22/12/2023 03:34

It is considered sexual assault the same as if he'd grabbed your breasts or groped your genitals. You could even make a report to the police if you wanted. Sure they won't persue it, but it will go on record with them and he may have had complaints from other women in the past, or be extra evidence if he assaults someone else. Would also lend weight to you approaching HR too if theres a police report about it.
Men do these things because they expect you to do nothing and say nothing, they KNOW it's wrong. I bet he'd be the first to cry and shit himself if/when it's taken seriously and police show up for a word/HR don't just say "boys will be boys".

Original poster
Bumgrabs · 22/12/2023 03:34

@flowerchild2000 this is exactly my worry. I’ve been the victim in the situation yet terrified of the repercussions if I’m to report it.

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Original poster
Bumgrabs · 22/12/2023 03:39

@AlmostAJillSandwich i don’t want to escalate to police but appreciate your advice. It’s just shit. Like you said he’s got away with this for years. I’m over this shit

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MariaLuna · 22/12/2023 03:53

he’s got away with this for years.

God, how awful.

I hope you can find other women that experienced this and put in a collective to HRM.

Absolutely disgusting, we are going into 2024 and this shit still goes on.

There's that Me Too movement that you can take inspiration from.

These kinds of men need to know their game is up!

#MeToo Cases’ New Legal Battleground: Defamation Lawsuits - The New York Times (nytimes.com)