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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop sending presents to everyone who doesn’t send my children any?

37 replies

headache · 21/12/2023 23:42

That’s what I have done this year. So, firstly at the beginning of the year it was 2 friends DCs birthdays and I sent presents and cards as I normally would, a week later it was one of my DCs birthday and she got nothing from me which I thought was a bit odd but ok maybe they forgot. Then it was another one of their DCs birthdays this time an 18th so I sent a card with a bit of money in it (hadn’t a clue what an 18 year old boy wants so thought cash probably best bet), got no thanks or response back from friend. Then in November was other friends DCs 18th again did the same thing no response. So I’m taking it we aren’t doing cards/presents anymore?

Then there’s my niece, every year growing up we always bought her a Christmas present as you do then she had DC and I started getting them presents. Last year it dawned on me she hadn’t even messaged to say she had received the gifts, hadn’t even had so much as a Xmas card from her or a Happy Birthday text for any of our DC so I thought what am I doing here?

I feel bad because I love buying presents and I don’t do it to receive presents back, I just think everyone should get a little present at Christmas, DD1 says gift giving is my love language lol

OP posts:
Nearlythere80 · 21/12/2023 23:45

Yes i think everyone is telling you there by their actions that not giving gifts outside immediate family is ok

coodawoodashooda · 21/12/2023 23:46

Agrees. Stop

noooooooo · 21/12/2023 23:46

yeah I like buying gifts too, DD might be right and it might be your love language - what is theirs? What do they do? Gifts don’t need to be about exact reciprocation, there’s lots of ways to show you care that aren’t money or stuff.

How do these people show your kids they’re in their thoughts?

winniethepooped · 21/12/2023 23:50

If you love buying presents, and you don't do it to receive presents back and gift giving is your love language then this is quite simple...continue with what you're doing regardless of any of the scenarios you've mentioned

Original poster
headache · 21/12/2023 23:57

@noooooooo they don’t do anything

I buy gifts for my father and my brother too but they don’t buy me gifts but I don’t mind because they give my DC Christmas gifts. The only gift I actually receive myself is from DH 😃

OP posts:
Ibex22 · 22/12/2023 14:10

This really annoys me too, we buy for 10 nieces and nephews (birthdays and Xmas) and only one of them ever says thank you. So fuck it, I'm not doing it any more!

Delatron · 22/12/2023 14:16

I found it faded out with friends children - can’t remember who stopped first. So they are definitely telling you to stop that.

I think it’s different with nieces and nephews as they are family. I’d personally keep on buying for a few more years. Depends if you have a brother or a sister. Often the brothers can be more forgetful. For example I always buy my nieces presents but DH sometimes forgets birthdays on his side of the family.

Whataretheodds · 22/12/2023 14:18

Some people don't want to get into loads of reciprocal gift arrangements.

Paperwhiteflowers · 22/12/2023 14:19

I made it clear that if no thanks were received no presents would be bought in future. A text is fine. I don’t think you can blame the parents if the adult kids don’t say thanks.

TheSnowyOwl · 22/12/2023 14:23

Yes stop. For a lot of people, buying and sending cards and gifts for others is a hassle and they don’t want to be in a reciprocal arrangement doing so. Their actions are telling you this.

ManateeFair · 22/12/2023 14:24

If you send someone a present, they should at least say thanks (even if only so you know it's arrived!) but they are under no obligation to send presents to your kids just because you send presents to theirs. They clearly don't want to get trapped into a gift exchange arrangement and are basically telling you that they'd like you to stop.

Canthave2manycats · 22/12/2023 14:25

TheSnowyOwl · 22/12/2023 14:23

Yes stop. For a lot of people, buying and sending cards and gifts for others is a hassle and they don’t want to be in a reciprocal arrangement doing so. Their actions are telling you this.

Then they should use their words not actions.

Leeds2 · 22/12/2023 14:25

I dislike it when people buy me presents, as I hate the reciprocal obligation -and it certainly feels like an obligation- to buy one back. Your friends/relatives are telling you that they feel the same way, imo. So stop buying!
It is very rude of them not to let you know a posted present has been safely received though, and to not say thank you. That would just reinforce my decision to stop buying!

NoSquirrels · 22/12/2023 14:28

If you love doing it, and don’t care about getting a present back, then carry on doing whatever you choose.

If you don’t like giving presents if you’re not thanked for them, then stop.

Joeylove88 · 22/12/2023 14:31

Im cutting down on the amount of gifts I give to my friends children because some of them have never said thank you even the parents didnt drop a message and they never gave my little one even just a card for her birthday even though they came to her party. Plus its all too expensive to buy for everyone right now anyway.

blotchyredanditichy · 22/12/2023 14:32

I did find it irritating having bought for DN s for over 15 years that siblings announced they weren't doing presents any more when mine were 3 year and 1 year. But I also find it stressful when o get presents from people I wouldn't buy for normally ie outside the family. I have one friend who sends presents all the time which I wish she wouldn't do. But I know its important to her and she does it to lots of people 🤷‍♀️

IncompleteSenten · 22/12/2023 14:35

I would stop and if they say anything I'd say oh, I assumed since you don't buy for x that you were letting me know you'd rather we didn't exchange gifts any more. That actually suits me better too tbh. I think it's a good idea that we stop.

AngelAurora · 22/12/2023 14:35

So you only give to receive?

bananamangoes · 22/12/2023 14:35

I don't have the time nor money nor inclination) to buy gifts for every friend's or cousin's kids

Just stop! This is madness

Sugarfree23 · 22/12/2023 14:39

I wouldn't really expect you to give gifts once children turn 18 any way. That seems to be a sensible cut of in most families and friendship groups.

Have you actually seen your neices baby? TBH you neice is probably thinking baby gift was a one off, not that you'd start giving birthday and Christmas gifts annually.

Damnedidont · 22/12/2023 14:40

A texted thank you takes seconds. Also, if the gift is posted there is no way to be sure it's arrived without going to the added expense of recorded delivery if there's no acknowledgement. And it's basic good manners.

frenchfancy81 · 22/12/2023 14:41

Whataretheodds · 22/12/2023 14:18

Some people don't want to get into loads of reciprocal gift arrangements.

Agree- but they could and should still acknowledge them by saying thank you!

Whataretheodds · 22/12/2023 14:43

Never said they didn't!

CaramelMac · 22/12/2023 14:47

If they’re not even saying thank you then I’d stop, that’s beyond rude. Even when I was a ‘given’ a charity donation in my name to a religious charity, when I’m an atheist, I said thank you, some people have no manners!

MMAMPWGHAP · 22/12/2023 14:50

Do you think there are many men around who buy gifts for their friends’ children? This is an example of how the Christmas load on women gets out of hand.