to not forgive DH for argument

[FerreroFan]

About 10 months ago, my DH (36) and I (33) had a horrible argument. I had given birth about 6 days before and was tired, sick and hormonal. I woke him to feed the baby at night as we agreed, he refused saying he would get up later. I was annoyed as the baby was hungry and I had barely slept. He lost the plot and shouted aggressively at me for about 10 minutes. I won't repeat the kinds of things he said but they were cruel and also untrue. This kind of behaviour had never happened before.

It has been nearly a year and I realise I have never forgiven him. Not only that but our relationship has changed. I almost feel that I am no longer in love with him now I know he can behave in such a vile way, and that he did when I was at my most vulnerable. A few weeks after it had happened, he reluctantly admitted his behaviour was OTT but in the same breath accused me of taking it too seriously.

We have had some arguments since but nothing like as intense. Whenever we do argue, I am reminded of that first horrible argument and the way I felt.

Am I being unreasonable not to forgive and forget?

My ex used to shout and be cruel when i was at my most vulnerable... Its bullying. When ill etc. He was just a lazy bastard. Wanted me to carry on doing even though i was knackered and Ill. This see seems like an attempt to keep you doing no matter how knackered you are whilst he does as he pleases. Call him out on it.. He's also a gaslighter.

How long had you been together before this incident? There's usually other stuff that happens, rather than it being out of the blue, in relationships.

A similar thing happened to me, at a similar time. It's not so much that I couldn't forgive (I wouldn't phrase it that way because I wasn't holding a grudge) but more like I couldn't get over it or forget it. It was so shocking and abusive.

It would help to know what he said. How abusive was it and did that stuff just seemingly come out of nowhere?

I don't know what to advise. I stayed for another...over a year. But it was already over. The relationship died that night.
I don't know if the 10 minute tirade you endured was on the same level. Was he shouting, or in your face? Or was it an argument that got out of hand?

It’s hard to see the one person who should have your back, stamping on you in your time of need.

That image won’t leave you unless
he actively assists in removing it.

My DH has done the same and I see it at times of vulnerability. It’s hard to see past it.

Have you told him this is how you feel? It might help things?

6 days post partum, hungry crying baby. And he SHOUTS at you? I don't think that's forgivable either.

I suspect it's not a stand-alone even really.

YANBU - I had an argument with my DH 2 months before babies birth and close to two years on haven’t recovered and I can pin point it to that argument where I lost all/so much respect for him… my loyalty and forgiveness disappeared, now I’m slowly getting my ducks in a row by working more so I can tell the bastardo where to go!!

A friend once called it a death by a 1000 cuts; you may move on but the emotional wound is still there. Only you can decide if you can or want to move forward or if the lack of support he showed when you needed it was the end point for your relationship.

I had a row with my now ex husband a week before my twins arrived prematurely. I'll never really know if it was the stress that caused it. But I lost the final bit of respect for him in that moment. And I think he knew it too. I suspect he always felt that since I was the main earner by a long way, did everything, earnt the money ran the household, did the DIY, garden, booked holidays etc that the only thing he could contribute was giving me children and that was the one thing I needed him for. Now I had what I wanted he was no longer required. (Sort of true!). He left a year later

Sleep deprivation in the early weeks and months is very difficult for new parents.

I'm not making excuses for him but If it was a once off and he has been a wonderful husband and father since, I would let it go.

It's one thing snapping a little bit but a 10 minute abusive rant at you is not a small thing.

What's he like now? Does he get up with the baby, etc.?

Did him responding in an abusive way change your behaviour? Since it happened has it made you stop and think about waking him up, made you let him sleep a bit longer, not ask him to do other things, challenge him? It might be that it hasn't happened again because you've learned to avoid it. But he is still the same person who verbally attacked you at your most vulnerable, and partly blames you for it.

Yeah my husband shouted at me in the hospital after our first and made me cry-it was actually relatively easy for me to forgive because it was so obviously not him in his right mind. 6 years later and he’s never done it again.

I don’t know what he said to you OP, but if it was wildly out of character and he’s been a good father and husband since, I would try my best to move on. But if there’s been little hints that this is actually the way he thinks, I would be rethinking things too

Only you can decide if you can move past it for good, OP. Is he now being supportive in general?

My DH did similar to yours when I had just had a difficult birth. But it was just one incident among many. As others have said, take a look and see if you discern a pattern in his behaviour. My ex used to wait until I was at my most vulnerable before being vile, because he knew I was powerless. What a shame that he didn't factor in a) I wouldn't forget and b) the day came when I was no longer powerless.

There are certain red lines in relationships- once crossed they do irreparable damage- sounds like he crossed one that day. But the thing is he hasn't tried to properly repair it. Maybe suggest one or two sessions of couple therapy to explore the impact on you? If he really gets it and can move past his kneejerk defensive reaction he might try harder to repair it

Its hard without further context. How is he normally? If it's part of a pattern then it's important to think about if this is a healthy way to raise a child.

If this is so shocking and horrible because it was so out of character then it may be a relationship worth fighting for. The weeks after birth are horrible. His defence and downplaying have added to the hurt. It might be out of shame, because he genuinely remembers it differently or hes a dick.

I would say you are still so hurt. Talk about what you need moving forward and if possible, couples counciling, how he responds will tell you alot

I couldn’t get past that. Feeling upset frustrated and tired after becoming a parent is normal. Shouting and abuse is not. He was kicking you at your lowest which is unforgivable. Can I ask - did he ever get up with the baby or did that incident mean you modified your behaviour and didn’t ask again?

He kicked you when you were down and went back on an agreement cos it suited him.
If he was properly sorry I could get past it, if it was out of character, but not if he wanted to minimise it and avoid really understanding the impact of what he'd done.

I couldn't love someone who accepted that part of themselves and expected me to forget it.

So I'd end up leaving

I think that you need couples counselling if you want to get past this.

I'm so sorry that happened to you OP. Was it the first time you insisted he did something he didn't want to do? Do you generally go along with his decisions because they aren't worth disagreeing with? A hungry baby is non negotiable, deciding on paint colour or take away or where to go on holiday isn't.

And I agree with pp, it's not about forgiveness it's about not being able to move on as you are always wondering what will trigger it next.

I think I would feel the opposite. You see someone's first instinct in moments like these when everything else is stripped away. The idea of a man shouting at his wife in hospital when she's just given birth is so profoundly shocking. I would be afraid forever that if things got difficult, if I was ill and vulnerable that he wouldn't want to protect or support me but would kick me down further.

OP, I'm not surprised the love has drained away. I don't think it's something I could forgive.

I think you need a proper conversation with him. He is trying to take the easiest way out of it, minimising it reframing it as sn 'equal' argunent, and hoping it will all be forgotten. You however can't accept this, and you need to tell him. Pick a calm time, not mid argument about something else, and tell him what you've said here. Tell him you need to understand why he said the things he did, whether he thought there was truth or justification in them and see where you go from there. You need to be very clear that a refusal to discuss isn't going to make it go away and your marriage is on the line.

I wouldn't be able to forgive that, so no, YANBU.

Of all the things XH did that eventually destroyed my love for him, it was little moments where he displayed his utter contempt for me that I remember most. They were unexpected and left me almost breathless with shock.

In your case, what your H did to you when you were so vulnerable and weak was atrocious. In your shoes, I would feel like I could never trust him again- and without trust, a relationship is doomed.

DH and I had a massive row about 2 weeks after our second child was born. We never argue, it's incredibly rare but it was awful and I actually told him I would divorce him.

Looking back, we were exhausted. We found it so hard going from 1 to 2 children and going from the easiest child in the world to a baby who seemed allergic to sleep. He lashed out, I lashed out back. I remember it, as the scenario was very similar to what you have described.

13 years on and our marriage is rock solid, and we are more in love than ever. We never had another argument like that. So, whilst I have never forgotten the argument and how it made me feel and have forgiven him as with time we both could see the circumstance we were in.

What a horrible and abusive experience to go through, OP. I'm really sorry to hear it.

Of course you're not being unreasonable for having been hurt and traumatised. It sound like he has never properly apologised or taken the time to understand why he treated you so abusively, or sought counselling for himself to ensure this never happened again. If he had done these things, I'd say you may be able to get past it.

But as it is, then no. There's no real way to go forward in a relationship with someone who has attacked you in this way.

That’s fair. In my case I developed CFS a couple of years later and my husband cared for me wonderfully for a long time (he has stopped because I’m mostly better, not because he’s abandoned me lol!), as well as after both births-that one incident aside- so I don’t really have those worries.

Thank you all for your replies. I have been thinking about your comments and the questions you have posed here over the Christmas holidays. I understand better about why I am still angry.

It is the gaslighting. I can over look someone losing their temper (though the loss of respect as so many of you have mentioned is real). But I can't get over someone saying I 'am too serious' or 'need to get over it' rather than apologising and admitting their actions were unacceptable. This is a pattern.

He is otherwise not terrible in terms of helping out - though I take on most childcare and household jobs. But I don't feel like I can have a real love for someone who gaslights me and minimises their own instances of abuse.

I will raise the fact this is a dealbreaker for me with him and am prepared to leave if needed.

YANBU. I had something similar happen with my exH.

He cornered me, shouted at me, called me every name under the sun for about 10 minutes. Really horrible stuff. I was bemused, scared, incredibly hurt. My transgression was that I had taken 10 minutes to return his call and he was very stressed from work. The reason I was late to call him back was because I was with my mum at one of her dr appointments and had just been told she won't live past 6 months. It was the worst day of my life. I started crying, told him the bad news, and instead of consoling me he went off on one. I left him over this one argument 12 months later.

Unlike your DH, my ex apologised loads. But our relationship never recovered. Every time we had a disagreement, I remembered that one horrible argument. I never forgot it. Couldn't get over him being so cruel and horrible. I am so glad I left.