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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

am I being wrongly suspicious?

67 replies

Sunbeamsandshadows · 21/12/2023 22:14

This is an odd one that I could do with some opinions on please.
things have been strained between my husband and me for some time now and as a result sex life has been pretty non existent. We are trying to work through things but I’m not sure we’ll make it long term. We have 3 kids all under 7 and he works away 2 weeks on, home 2
weeks,
recently our eldest son had to stay in hospital overnight for a routine test. For a few reasons we decided it was best for my husband to stay with him overnight while I stayed at home with the other 2. This was a few weeks ago and last night my son said something really odd to me ☹️he said very seriously that when he was in hospital, in the evening a woman came to visit them and brought q present for him and a coffee for his dad and her and his dad were laughing a lot and as she lefy he saw them hold hands and he saw them kiss. He said he didn’t want me to be sad so was telling me. i didn't want to grill him but he said it wasn't a nurse as she was wearing a black jumper and jeans and left quickly.
i mentioned this as causally as i could this morning to my husband and he laughed it off saying nonsense, it must have been a nurse or another parent on the ward stopping to chat, or someone from the charity workers who give out small gifts to children and a toothbrush care package to parents. but something in his "whaaat? nonsense" response just didn't feel right somehow.
something is ringing alarm bells for me as my son doesn't lie, he does have an imagination yes but this was so so specific down to the clothes she wore. I just don't know what to do next ☹️

OP posts:

Original poster

Sunbeamsandshadows · 21/12/2023 22:39

Exactly, I don’t want to grill ds☹️he said it was a kiss on the lips and something has made him uneasy
to have told me this last night ☹️he was a bit quiet coming out of hospital but I just put it down to being tired ☹️

OP posts:

Shouldershoulder · 21/12/2023 22:40

Would he really kiss a woman in sight of his child? Did he not think that your son would tell you this woman had been to the hospital? He's certainly brazen.

iamenough2023 · 21/12/2023 22:41

It is very difficult, I know, when something like this comes up and the other person does not seem to take it seriously. If I would ask my ex something like this, he would never give me a proper answer. He would laugh, make up things that are obviously not true, but will never give me an answer that would put me at ease. This was driving me crazy. I do not have an answer for you OP, but I can see this is not something you can just let go.

Original poster

Sunbeamsandshadows · 21/12/2023 22:42

See this is the part that makes me think it can’t be true, surely he wouldn’t invite some woman to a ward and kiss her? It’s not exactly a romantic setting, a gastro children ward 🤦‍♀️It’s not even soap opera likely. And yet, something is sitting badly ☹️did he maybe take an opportunity to see her knowing I was at home? Or am going mad ☹️

OP posts:

Notimeforaname · 21/12/2023 22:42

Any chance hes confusing it with a weird dream ? Being in a weird place away from home, seeing strange people talk to his dad all day. Or maybe he was groggy and waking up/falling asleep and confused something?

Original poster

Sunbeamsandshadows · 21/12/2023 22:44

I really hope it’s this and it’s all just got a bit confused in his head.

OP posts:

Notimeforaname · 21/12/2023 22:45

You wont know anything else unless you ask him and I agree its probably not a good idea to ask him. Do you think you can try to let it go for a week or so before you ask your husband again? Or do you think you could just let it go entirely bit watch for anything else strange?

Datgal · 21/12/2023 22:49

Did your son have a raging temp or anything? I could have sworn something happened when I was little which actually didn't. It was something I thought my sister had done, but didn't make much sense. I still believed it until I was much older.
I just don't get that your husband would meet ow at the hospital your son was at? Just seems very odd.

Mostlyoblivious · 21/12/2023 22:49

Could it be the Mum of one the children - an assumption being you’ve met them before if your dc has been an inpatient before?

TippyToes123 · 21/12/2023 22:49

I think you should just hold out and see if anything else happens. When my son was in hospital (as a baby) I was so tired from lack of sleep that I had weird hallucinations. Your son could be getting mixed up with what he's actually seen.

Original poster

Sunbeamsandshadows · 21/12/2023 23:17

All good points I’m holding onto!

he didn’t have a temp or anything - it was a routine test so he was well when he was in. The previous times I’ve always been with him so even if a mum from before was there again this time my husband wouldn’t have known them, but parents of kids with this condition are very supportive so the thought of someone bringing a coffee in for another parent or giving a small toy to another child from the shop there isn’t crazy to think of.
i think it’s the detail with which my son said it and the serious tone. It really didn’t feel made up ☹️but surely it can’t be true? ☹️

OP posts:

KnowledgeableMomma · 21/12/2023 23:25

I agree with a previous thought, I'd be going full-on detective, especially if my gut was telling me something felt off with DHs response.

Original poster

Sunbeamsandshadows · 21/12/2023 23:27

how do I be a detective? I literally have no idea where I’d start! He’s also away every 2 weeks for 2 weeks, working 12 hour shifts while I’m at home so not sure how I could check up on him then ☹️

OP posts:

KnowledgeableMomma · 21/12/2023 23:39

@Sunbeamsandshadows , depends on how far you feel comfortable going. Check his phone for sure (either by asking or when he's not around), start stalking any social media he has, Air Tag something he takes with him to work so you can see his location, get friendly with his relatives or anyone he talks to regularly to make sure that what he tells them is what he tells you. Ask more questions to your son to see if anyone on his social media matches that description, etc, etc.

Kitkatcatflap · 21/12/2023 23:40

Can you ring the ward/hospital and say your son keeps talking about nice lady who gave him a toy and bought your husband a coffee. Your husband thinks she could have been a volunteer or a nurse and you want to drop her a little thank you note.

Original poster

Sunbeamsandshadows · 21/12/2023 23:44

I wondered about calling the ward but I’m not sure - it’s a huge hospital (London) and so so busy and I think they might say no idea sorry why don’t you ask your husband and I’ll look a bit odd 😢
annoyingly it’s a total anyone can visit anytime and not sign in or out so I doubt they’d have any idea of parents /visitors/ charity workers coming in and out of a day, the times I’ve been there with him it’s like a constant stream of adults in and out all day on a busy ward ☹️

OP posts:

Mumof2NDers · 21/12/2023 23:45

When my DS was about that age he told my mum DH had punched him in the face!
DH had never ever laid a hand on him. He had a very vivid imagination (think imaginary friend type imagination) 🤷‍♀️

FreshStart90 · 21/12/2023 23:47

You’re definitely not going mad OP, so just reassure yourself. Most men in this situation will attempt to gaslight until actual evidence is brought to them. It is possible it is all innocent, however I would also do some digging to find out for certain. If he won’t let you look through his phone for some peace of mind, then can you get a hold of his phone bills, see who he called or texted that evening? You can also go through his WhatsApp which of course he can delete, and his social media messages: he would have to be very honest and open and if my DH wasn’t honest and open with his phone after something like this, then I would think he has something to hide.

you can also check location history on his phone for dates you’ve ever felt uneasy or unable to get hold of him.

did your son say that his dad asked him to keep a secret or anything like that, or was your son sleeping and woke up to see this? (I’m thinking it would be brazen for any man to do this when son is fully awake). did your son actually speak to the woman?

Original poster

Sunbeamsandshadows · 21/12/2023 23:48

I’m loathe to ask my son anything as he changed the subject to transformers once he’d said what he wanted to say and I don’t want to make him talk about it if he feels weird about it ☹️I don’t know what an air tag is but could Google it 😊he’s on Facebook but rarely ever posts and as for relatives they are nearly all in Australia and he’s not super close with them. His friends are his work mates mainly and I doubt they’d let anything slip (again I’ve no idea as never been in this position before but they are very close as work away together so are more like best friends than colleagues I think)

OP posts:

NeurodivergentBurnout · 21/12/2023 23:49

When DD was about 7, she told my then H (now XH) that she thought I had a new boyfriend..her swimming teacher! All because I had a quick chat with him 🤣 so yeah, kids can get muddled up!
Does your H have social media? Particularly Snapchat? I did OLD last year and a few guys asked to Snapchat rather than stay on the app or WhatsApp, including a couple who worked on the rigs. I was a bit suss that some of them were in relationships and Snapchat vanishes leaving little trace 😬 I’d be stalking his social media in your situation..

Original poster

Sunbeamsandshadows · 21/12/2023 23:51

How do you check past location on a phone? Sorry I am so so new to any of this!

my son said he wasn’t sleeping when she came, said the woman came in and gave him a present for being brave and gave his dad a coffee and sat chatting to his dad very close and laughing and his dad looked at her like he loved her ☹️then she got up to go and as she left he saw them kiss. ☹️☹️

OP posts:

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 21/12/2023 23:54

My friend's child is admitted to hospital fairly often due to a genetic condition, she is always visited at least once by charity workers and always comes home with new toys that they give. It could easily have been that, with the kiss being a miss interpretation - she bent over near him to pick something up etc, or she got tangled in a dream he had. I would let this one go.

TinyKittenPaw · 21/12/2023 23:57

I would be inclined to believe your son, your husbands response is weird too, he didn’t find it strange or want to try and understand how the confusion could have happened, just quickly said it was nonsense.

if your husband says he bought the fidget toy, ask where from as you’d like to get others for the other kids. Look on the bank statements for a purchase from which ever shop around the same time - also where could he have bought it when he was stuck at the hospital?

it feels like the toy is physical evidence that backs up her being there, especially if you DH could t have actually bought it?

If it’s a long term affair and she lives near by it wouldn’t be that crazy that she would turn up to support him and bring him coffee - even do something to hasten you finding out so they can be together, if that is her hope? They may pert have thought your son was asleep when they kissed.

Could it be the case that he comes home a day after his shift finishes and leaves a day early to see her?

travelallthetime · 21/12/2023 23:57

Im not sure I buy that. I mean, if your having an affair then it seems a) an odd place to meet and b) its so public, like right in front of your son? Very brazen if so.

All you can do is sit down and ask your husband to be honest, say you would just rather know. Keep an eye on kdd outings or being precious over his phone but I wouldnt read too much in to it

determinedtomakethiswork · 22/12/2023 00:04

I disagree with people saying that this wouldn't happen if you were having an affair. The people I know who have had affairs would do anything at all to meet up. They would drive for hours just for a few minutes together.

OP, I would absolutely believe my son. There was no reason for him to make it up, no delirium or anything like that.

The fact your husband works away from home is very significant. What about bank accounts? Would you notice if he was spending money on meals out?

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