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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To pull a sickie over Christmas

26 replies

Namechangeforthis11111 · 21/12/2023 21:06

DH is being dreadful, verbally abusive and unpleasant to be around. We are supposed to visit his family on Christmas Day. Let’s just say the apple does not fall far from the tree. Much older SIL lives at home pushing 50 and has her nose in everyone’s business. I am close to leaving DH, he spoke to SIL and she inappropriately stirred the issue with DDs who I was desperately trying to protect.

Dreading being stuck on the M4 with foul DH. The normal pattern is on arrival DC will be plied with endless sweets (If I try to keep the quantities reasonable or after food I will be ignored or snapped at) and then their sugar fueled behavior will be commented on, then the comments about my parenting failure will start. DH will be in the pub and explode on returning, but apparently that is fine. I don‘t drive, so will be stuck as it is a rural area.

Anyway… DH was foul tonight and I cannot face it. I said I don’t want to go. He retaliated by threatening to cancel various things that will upset DC.

AIBU to fake an illness on the morning we are due to travel? I hate the idea of doing this, as it may mean we all don’t go. On the other hand I cannot face going and having to deal with more abuse in the car, then nasty games at the other end. I feel like I am becoming as bad as them (but in a different way), but got here by being pushed past breaking point. If the stirring with DDs had not happened I would be working hard to protect some sort of relationship, but they pushed it to a place that was not appropriate for the DC.

OP posts:

SleepingBeautySnores · 21/12/2023 21:11

I appreciate that you don't want to go, and don't blame you from the way you've described things, but if you fake an illness will your kids be forced to go with him? Also, you don't mention their ages, as that could be relevant. What things is he talking about cancelling that would upset the kids? Sounds like you, and they, would be better off out of this relationship OP. Why are you still hanging in there?

Missingmybabysomuch · 21/12/2023 21:15

Yabu - not about the sickie, but for staying in this situation/marriage. It sounds incredibly toxic and not at all pleasant.

kimchio · 21/12/2023 21:16

Unfortunately I think you need to go to protect your kids

Original poster

Namechangeforthis11111 · 21/12/2023 21:19

Thanks. One DC has potentially got an end of term illness (several in the class are off). I will say we are all coming down with it, to avoid him going off with DC as they will not be exposed to it alone.

Agree would be better off out of it, but not so straightforward.

Don‘t want to possibly id myself by saying what he is threatening to cancel.

OP posts:

FedUpMumof10YO · 21/12/2023 21:19

Get Christmas out the way and then make a plan. This will be your last one spending in this awful way. Make a promise to yourself and your kids that you'll do all you can to make a new life for you.

Then come back and tell us. Good luck.

Merryoldgoat · 21/12/2023 21:20

Why are you dragging the inevitable out? Send him alone, have a nice day with your kids and promise them better going forward.

Pollygtp · 21/12/2023 21:20

Don't pull a sickie. Stand your ground and say you won't go and neither will the children. Use the day he's away to pack and get out he sounds abusive.

Justmuddlingalong · 21/12/2023 21:21

If the kids have to go, unfortunately, I think you do too, to shield them from it all.
Can you suck it up for this one last time before ending the relationship in the near future?

loobylou10 · 21/12/2023 21:21

God this is awful. Please leave for the sake of your children. Don't
Pull a sickie, say you're not going, neither are the children.

MaryShelley1818 · 21/12/2023 21:25

Get your children out of this environment, he is an abusive bully and you are not safeguarding them (although understandable as a victim yourself).
Let him cancel things, I can guarantee nothing will be as bad for them as what they're living right now.

MyLadyTheKingsMother · 21/12/2023 21:26

Do a moonlight flit with your kids op. Call woman's aid, gather documents and go.

Original poster

Namechangeforthis11111 · 21/12/2023 21:26

If I stood my ground and said the DC and I are not going, I would be genuinely afraid of the response. DC will not go without me as they cannot be exposed to it.

OP posts:

Jojobees · 21/12/2023 21:28

How old are your children?
I honestly think you need to just leave. Documents and a few things to see you through. Women’s aid will help you.

Nicole1111 · 21/12/2023 21:35

You could attempt to say you’re sick but it sounds like you might be increasing the risk to yourself. If the risk is really that critical you may have to be compliant until you have an exit plan. I’d like to think you have intentions to leave very very very soon though if the risk is that high.

Original poster

Namechangeforthis11111 · 21/12/2023 21:38

Not teenagers. Don’t want to id myself with specifics.

OP posts:

FlyingCherub · 21/12/2023 21:39

I'd say bugger Christmas and get yourself the hell out of there tomorrow. Can you try Women's Aid, or a family member?

KeeeeeepDancing · 21/12/2023 21:49

FlyingCherub · 21/12/2023 21:39

I'd say bugger Christmas and get yourself the hell out of there tomorrow. Can you try Women's Aid, or a family member?

Agree with this. Find passports birth certificates,pack a few bags and leave.

ActDottie · 21/12/2023 21:57

Tbh I wouldn’t even pull a sickie. I’d just put my foot down and say “no me and the kids are not going”. It all sounds awful.

ThisIsntThe80sPat · 21/12/2023 22:05

Christmas day is the least of your worries. You should be working on getting out of that awful marriage

tiggergoesbounce · 21/12/2023 22:22

Im sure you are aware, as you say you need to leave. Its a very tricky one of where you go and how, so ensure it's planned and you are all safe when you do leave.

The thing is, will he buy that you are all sick? If you can pull it off, yes do it.

Do you have any relatives or friends close by?

Heronwatcher · 21/12/2023 22:25

YANBU to think about doing this, but won’t he be highly suspicious? And if your DC would still have to go (I can’t see whether they would or not ) I’d bet on him creating some kind of crisis with them to punish you.

I think realistically you have 2 options, get out now whilst your mind is set (and yes you might have a shit Christmas this year but you’d cope and next year will e SO MUCH BETTER) or go to your inlaws, grit your teeth to keep the peace but then get out as soon as you can in the new year. I think staying and not going might sadly be the worst of both worlds.

TeaMistress · 21/12/2023 22:47

Please OP. If you are fearful for your safety and that of your children please get yourselves out now. Forget Christmas. Can you let your family know that you are fearful of violence from your abuser. Contact women's aid and police. Please leave him. Are there any family members who you could go to for safety

Ejismyf · 21/12/2023 22:49

Do you have any family you can escape to and have a nice Xmas with instead?

Cupcakekiller · 21/12/2023 22:49

Just tell him the truth and leave him.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 21/12/2023 23:05

Give yourself a Christmas present and leave the knob. Best thing you'll do for both you and your children.

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