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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you tell her?

41 replies

SadieJensen · 21/12/2023 20:39

My sister met her now-husband ten years ago. At the time, he was a heavy smoker and it was a deal-breaker for her so he quit and they moved in together, subsequently got married and had children.

She got Covid quite early on in the pandemic and completely lost her sense of taste and smell.

The last few times I’ve visited their home, i smelled cigarettes. Today, I bumped into my BIL and his car was reeking of cigarettes so it’s clear to me that he’s taken up smoking again because my sister can’t detect it.

Her reason for not wanting to share a house with a smoker was a mix of hating the smell, health concerns, and not wanting to raise children in a smoking home. Obviously, the smell won’t bother her now but the other issues remain.

So, in my shoes, would you tell her or mind your own business?

OP posts:
10HailMarys · 21/12/2023 20:39

I’d mind your own business.

vodkaredbullgirl · 21/12/2023 20:40

Mind your own.

ilovesooty · 21/12/2023 20:44

Mind your own business.

pictoosh · 21/12/2023 20:47

Mind your own.

adjsavedmylife · 21/12/2023 20:50

Variables that might affect my decision: do they have kids? Are they planning to if not? How likely is she to shoot the messenger? Is he mostly decent?

OchonAgusOchonOh · 21/12/2023 20:51

Absolutely tell her. It is a health concern for the children. Maybe just ask has someone been smoking in the house as you've noticed a smell of smoke the last few times you've been over.

GenXisthebest · 21/12/2023 20:51

I see that they do have kids. So yes, I'd tell her. Or tell him to tell her.

itsmyp4rty · 21/12/2023 20:56

I'd just go over and say 'ohh it smells of cigarette smoke in here'. The just see how she reacts.

StBrides · 21/12/2023 20:57

I'd tell her. Or make a passing comment to him when she was in earshot

Original poster
SadieJensen · 21/12/2023 20:59

adjsavedmylife · 21/12/2023 20:50

Variables that might affect my decision: do they have kids? Are they planning to if not? How likely is she to shoot the messenger? Is he mostly decent?

Yes, I mentioned that they have children in my post.

Kids are 5, and almost 2.

OP posts:
Jacfrost · 21/12/2023 21:00

Mind your own business.

Missingmybabysomuch · 21/12/2023 21:01

Yes I'd tell her. She has a right to make an informed choice about health risks that affect her children.

SleepingBeautySnores · 21/12/2023 21:03

I would speak to him about it. Ask him if she's aware that he's smoking again, then if he says yes, you can talk to her about it, ie, I'm surprised you've accepted DH smoking again after you were so insistent that he gave up all that time ago. Then if she doesn't know what you're talking about, it will be clear that he's lied to you, and he will deserve everything he's got coming both for lying to you, and for breaking her trust. Personally, I hate it that people lie about things like this just because they think they can get away with it. Of course if she does know, she'll then say something along the lines of, 'yes, he was being a pain about it, so I gave in', and in that case you won't have done anything underhand.

Popcorn23 · 21/12/2023 21:04

I would tell her because of the children possibly being affected by the smoke.

falalalalalalalallama · 21/12/2023 21:08

I can't believe people are saying mind your own business. This is the OP's sister!

What is the OP supposed to say if her sister gets cancer from 2nd hand smoke. "Oh sorry, I knew you were being exposed to smoke but decided not to tell you. Oh well."

What a betrayal! (And I say this as a smoker! My DC have no idea I still have the odd fag, let alone are exposed to it).

OP, please tell your sister, it's the right thing to do.

Kittythecutest · 21/12/2023 21:13

I would absolutely tell my sister, my loyalty would be with her over her husband. Can’t believe there are so many saying to mind your own! Smoking can have long term effects on children, it’s not like he’s been caught doing something with no consequences.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 21/12/2023 21:15

You should be thinking about the health of their dc even if he isn't. She should know her dc are at risk of second hand smoke...

mamaison · 21/12/2023 21:16

Tell her. The children are exposed to 3rd hand smoke.

TheIsleOfTheLost · 21/12/2023 21:18

I'd tell her. It directly affects her and her children's health. Not just something that will only impact him.

Nicole1111 · 21/12/2023 21:40

You can tell her without accusing her other half. Next time you go over just say wow, it really smells of cigarettes in here. She can reach her own conclusions. If he challenges you then you can say you didn’t accuse him of anything as you weren’t sure of the cause of the smell.

MulledWineBeMine · 21/12/2023 21:43

SadieJensen · 21/12/2023 20:59

Yes, I mentioned that they have children in my post.

Kids are 5, and almost 2.

Show quote history

@SadieJensen

I'd tell her

what a wanker.

LimeCheesecake · 21/12/2023 21:43

I’d go with @Nicole1111 suggestion- loudly make a comment about the smoke smell in her house.

you aren’t accusing him as you’ve not seen him smoking, just pointing out the smell.

never understand why someone would go though all the effort to quit then start again, seems a very weak thing to do.

Redwinesalt · 21/12/2023 21:44

itsmyp4rty · 21/12/2023 20:56

I'd just go over and say 'ohh it smells of cigarette smoke in here'. The just see how she reacts.

Agree

KDPC841922 · 21/12/2023 21:47

100% tell her

Showmethesunny · 21/12/2023 21:48

She’s had no sense of taste or smell for three years???? Has she seen a doctor as that’s not normal