Would you tell her?

[SadieJensen]

My sister met her now-husband ten years ago. At the time, he was a heavy smoker and it was a deal-breaker for her so he quit and they moved in together, subsequently got married and had children.

She got Covid quite early on in the pandemic and completely lost her sense of taste and smell.

The last few times I’ve visited their home, i smelled cigarettes. Today, I bumped into my BIL and his car was reeking of cigarettes so it’s clear to me that he’s taken up smoking again because my sister can’t detect it.

Her reason for not wanting to share a house with a smoker was a mix of hating the smell, health concerns, and not wanting to raise children in a smoking home. Obviously, the smell won’t bother her now but the other issues remain.

So, in my shoes, would you tell her or mind your own business?

I’d tell her. I’d feel pissed off if I discovered that my husband had been doing this and my sister had known but hadn’t said anything.

He's clearly not doing in the house, well surely not. Hard call, would talk to him about it first before creating any drama. With young kids I'm sure he won't smoke around them or in the car with them in it. Addiction is hard, give him a chance before spilling the beans..xx

He knows she can't smell and is taking advantage.

Imagine what else he'll try to get away with if he could.

What a horrid husband!

I would tell my sister, most definitely, y are you contemplating it???

I'd tell her. Largely because it would only be a matter of time before I slipped up and dropped BiL in it accidentally.

Has she lost her sense of taste as well as smell? If not, she'll definitely know from kissing BiL. However, unless she's lost her sense of sight too, she's unlikely not to know if he's smoking in the house or car. It leaves a visible fug in the air and yellow residue everywhere.

If he's not smoking in the house and car or smoking around the children, then it's probably not that big a deal. Yes third-hand smoke is an issue but not on the scale of first or second-hand smoke and it can be mitigated to some extent. If the relationship is otherwise good, she's probably not going to end a marriage over it. Although that said, smoking is so expensive these days it could cause a proper strain. It's an addiction though. Most people who love someone with an addiction usually try to support them as they work their way off it before leaving them if they're unsuccessful and the addiction is causing issues intolerable to family life.

Whether it's smoking, an affair, dressing up in weird clothing, drinking a pint when you're both committed to dry January or whatever - if you're the person committing the subterfuge it's on you to hear the consequences. Even for the most trivial 'slip' you have no right to expect someone else to be complicit. Even trivial lies make some people feel incredibly uncomfortable and complicit and it's unfair, especially if it has the potential to damage the trust between that person and an unsuspecting other.

So I'd tell her but I'd not make a massive deal of it because it isn't necessarily. I'd keep it low key not dramatic.

Of course she’s seen a doctor. She’s tried everything.

He’s not a very nice man and she believes a lot of what he’s told her about things over the years, despite them being blatant lies.

I know the right thing to do is to tell her, but he’ll be so fucking difficult.

@itsmyp4rty’s suggestion is a good one. I’m half in mind to have my husband do the dramatic sniff and say “oh, it smells a bit stale in here, like cigarettes” as BIL won’t lash out at him.

Yes yell her, how selfish of him

I'd say it's absolutely none of your business! She'll find out herself at some point as he will be careless... But I'd stay out of it if I were you

Its not good for the children so not good to turn a blind eye to them potentially being subjected to it.

Just mention the stench on your next visit.
"Awww, who's been smoking? It stinks in here......." would be my approach - or your DHs approach if it needs to come from him

When you say, completely lost her sense of taste, do you mean she goes around with socks AND sandals?

Tell her!

Of course I'd tell, it's clearly very important to her.

I would tell her indirectly, when I popped over I'd say,God have you started smoking, it smells of cigarettes in here. X

Young children are involved so I think she has a right to know. They might be breathing in the smoke or witnessing him smoking, and she hasn’t agreed to that.

I agree with what others have said - casually comment that it really smells of cigarettes and look confused, and then drop it. It’s up to her then to either choose to ignore it or do some detective work.

@Notsurehwhattdo What the hell you talking about ???

Whoosh!