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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

13yo has had no interaction with opposite sex

83 replies

MissChristmasChild · 21/12/2023 18:44

I am the youngest of 3 siblings. We are all married and my siblings have children. Brother has 2 girls, aged 14 and 6. Bro and SIL are very opinionated and I don’t see them often. Sister and BIL have two boys, aged 4 and 18 month old. BIL is relaxed and I see them often.

We have all gathered for the annual pre-Christmas do at my parents.

Today at lunch, my brother complained our sister’s boys are too noisy, badly behaved. Thinking he was overreacting, I made remark about how my brother must have seen the same behaviour in his daughters’ male friends or his own mates’ sons.

My 14 yo niece replied that she has no male friends, and never has. She has been in a single sex school since she was 4 and all her school friends only have sisters. My brother has a group of friends they regularly meet up with who only have daughters. The girls’ extra activities (drama, music swimming) have been mainly with their school friends so few boys there. Neighbours have boys but my brother doesn’t like any of the parents / kids so they don’t interact. They see the odd friend with boys younger than her once every few months or so, but for her whole life, my 14yo niece has never had any meaningful interactions with boys her own age.

I am taken aback. I’m all for single sex education, but how will so little contact with peers from the opposite sex prepare her for the real world where males exist? She is shy and a little awkward, but wants to go to university and wants a big career.

I didn’t reply but my face has clearly given something away as brother is hounding me to share what is bothering me. How do I tell him the truth without coming across as a know it all? Sorry if the above comes across a bit confusing or judgy. Am
I unreasonable to have concerns?

OP posts:
Original poster
MissChristmasChild · 21/12/2023 19:15

Thanks helpful responses. To be clear I am not opposed to single sex education I went to a girls school for 4 years and preferred the company of girls having few male mates.

It’s the zero interaction with male peers that concerns me and understanding what healthy relationships (from having colleagues, associates to friends to being in a relationship).

But from your responses it seems many of you have been in this scenario and seem to think this hasn’t held you back in developing these sorts of relationships.

OP posts:
Libertyy · 21/12/2023 19:16

MissChristmasChild · 21/12/2023 19:15

Thanks helpful responses. To be clear I am not opposed to single sex education I went to a girls school for 4 years and preferred the company of girls having few male mates.

It’s the zero interaction with male peers that concerns me and understanding what healthy relationships (from having colleagues, associates to friends to being in a relationship).

But from your responses it seems many of you have been in this scenario and seem to think this hasn’t held you back in developing these sorts of relationships.

It’s easy to just learn for relationships and friendships tbh, the same way you talk to a female you would to a male

BoohooWoohoo · 21/12/2023 19:17

Say nothing
Or pretend that you were going to bore her with a story about 14 year old boys when you were 14 but want to remain the cool aunt rather than an adult with a boring story of “when I was your age…”

Thisreallyisntmyproblem · 21/12/2023 19:18

I went to a single sex school, I have a professional degree, had plenty of boyfriends, find men easier company than women often. I also spent time in the forces, which is still a male dominated environment. I am married, with sons.

But, age 14, other than brothers, I had no interaction with boys. We all went to boarding schools, my brothers from prep school age, so I didn't really spend time with them often either.

StarlightLime · 21/12/2023 19:20

MissChristmasChild · 21/12/2023 19:08

Thanks this is really helpful. I guess my mind went to the worst place like how would she cope in the workplace, how would she manage a healthy relationship with a male (friendship or more) if she hasn’t had any practice.

Confused
MotherofAllMatriarchs · 21/12/2023 19:20

minipie · 21/12/2023 18:53

I had a similar upbringing and little experience of boys until I occasionally met a few age 15+ and then obviously lots more at university and beyond.

I had no issues interacting with boys once I did get to know some. Overall, I think there were many pros to my single sex experience during the early teens especially.

And tbh I don’t agree with your stereotyping that boys are noisy and rowdy vs girls. Maybe your nephews are actually a bit OTT and need to be told to pipe down rather than your “this is how boys are” reaction?

This times 100! I think YABU for the gender stereotypes!

My teen daughters are noisy. boisterous and physical while my son is relatively quiet and naturally bookish. Generalisations don’t serve either sex.

Decimbir · 21/12/2023 19:20

I knew no boys until 16, and was quite a naive child in general, so for me it wasn’t great as I immediately got into a not great group of boys through trying to be ‘one of the guys’ and also got into an abusive relationship. But if she isn’t generally naive and socially unaware then i’m sure it’s fine, most of my friends were!

Baffledandalarmed · 21/12/2023 19:22

MissChristmasChild · 21/12/2023 19:08

Thanks this is really helpful. I guess my mind went to the worst place like how would she cope in the workplace, how would she manage a healthy relationship with a male (friendship or more) if she hasn’t had any practice.

Quite easily, I assure you.

Men are human. They just have penis'

Do you speak to men in a different way to how you speak to women? Because I don't...and I don't think many people do.

Either way, YAVU to even think of raising it. You're not her parent, you don't get to tell her father how to parent her and what your wrong (judging by the comments on this thread) opinion is.

Original poster
MissChristmasChild · 21/12/2023 19:25

Thanks @Decimbir sorry about your experience.

This is what I was concerned about. My niece is a kind and sweet girl but she lacks confidence.

OP posts:
Devonshiregal · 21/12/2023 19:25

CaptainMyCaptain · 21/12/2023 18:47

I think you could just tell him you were surprised she doesn't know any boys without any judgement. Then say 'Oh well she'll meet plenty of boys at university' and let him join the dots.

Yes this. Don’t say anything negative - she’s 13. What’s he supposed to do with your judgement? He can’t change her past years of education now.

I am with you though and have been in your brother’s daughter’s situation and you’re right-it is utterly stunting. Even the girls who say ‘oh no I was fine no harm done’ were never “normal” with the boys like those who always went to school with them. It’s not possible to go from no contact to suddenly knowing how to ‘be’ around boys. And most people send their kids to the same school as their siblings so if you go to an all girls school, usually your friends will mainly have sisters. I personally feel it’s a terrible segregation and should be outlawed. In any other circumstance, for any other characteristic people would think it appalling. The reason girls school existed in the first place is no longer relevant so they’ve taken on a new negative meaning. Boys and girls must be kept separate - why? Girls need protecting. Boys are aggressive perverts. Girls and boys will be distracted by each other. It’s sexualising and inappropriate.

Original poster
MissChristmasChild · 21/12/2023 19:30

Thanks @Devonshiregal this is helpful. I realise that as an aunt living hours away I am judging by a comment and probably projecting my own fears based on unhealthy relationships of some of my girl school friends.

unhealthy relationships I guess come from a range of different things.

OP posts:
LenaLamont · 21/12/2023 19:30

@Devonshiregal - girls perform better in single sex environments, boys do better in mixed sex environments, it's been well documented for decades.

Your stereotypes are pretty off kilter, OP - boys aren't necessarily more loud or badly behaved at all. It's parenting choices and temperament.

StarlightLime · 21/12/2023 19:30

And most people send their kids to the same school as their siblings so if you go to an all girls school, usually your friends will mainly have sisters
No. lots of people choose single sex for their daughters and sons.
The rest of your post about having to learn how to "be" around boys is pure nonsense too.

Sugarsun · 21/12/2023 19:32

I’m on the fence with single sexed education but everyone who I know who went to a same sex school and typically had no male/female friends until 18+, are all very well rounded and don’t seem to have any issues with the opposite sex.

As they have male family members then I don’t think it’s s concern.

Vitriolinsanity · 21/12/2023 19:33

Ohtobetwentytwo · 21/12/2023 18:55

Girls do better in single sex education and boys at that age want one thing. I dont think shes missing out.

That's a big old brush you're painting generalisations with there.

It's good for kids to mix with kids. They aren't as stupid as MN would have us believe and can work out what they want/think is acceptable/learn to...what's that word??.. tolerate.

Say nothing OP. You're damned if you do/damned if you don't.

Lavenderflower · 21/12/2023 19:34

Truthfully, I don't think it makes much differences for most people. I went to a mixed primary school - I mainly had girl friendships. I went an all girls school. My interaction throughout my schooling had no influence on how I interacted with men. I had two elder brothers - I think this did influence me as I wasn't the girliest girl and I never had went silly or crazy over boys as I had brothers. I have never had an issues with men or boys.

minipie · 21/12/2023 19:34

It’s not possible to go from no contact to suddenly knowing how to ‘be’ around boys.

Not IME, at all. You just “be” around boys the same way you are around girls. There is no special “how to behave around boys” skill. And I think 18 year olds are much more likely to realise this and not be daft around the opposite sex than 13 year olds.

Lavenderflower · 21/12/2023 19:36

Just to add - there are some difference between boys and girls in terms of behaviour, however a lot of it is down to parenting. Girls are socialised more.

TeenDivided · 21/12/2023 19:37

I was at single sex schools from 7, and boarding from 12.
I went to university and ended up at an all female college.

I did a degree that was male biased, went into a career that was male biased and have been happily married for over 25 years.

LikeTheMorningDew · 21/12/2023 19:38

I went to a single sex school. Did fantastically well academically and have never had a problem putting men in their place when I've needed to.

Birdcar · 21/12/2023 19:39

Nothing good will come from telling him what you think. He already knows by the expression on your face. Don't say it out loud.

Ponderingwindow · 21/12/2023 19:41

Let’s be honest, the pre-teen years for boys don’t tend to be their best. My country has very little single-sex education, but I really wished I could have switched my DD’s school. She was miserable in mixed sex education through age 13. Thankfully at 14 we now have fewer concerns as a bit of collective maturity seems to be kicking in.

your niece will be fine. She hasn’t been harmed by not having to put up with harassment and disruption at school. She will learn to socialize as opportunities natural present themselves.

underneaththeash · 21/12/2023 19:44

All mine have ended up single sex, DS is now mixed for sixth form (wouldn't have been my ideal, but it completely suited them all.) DD's school does discos and drama with the local boy's school and her friends who come round don't seem phased by her brothers.

They're happier than they would have been at a mixed school.

DewHopper · 21/12/2023 19:46

LenaLamont · 21/12/2023 19:30

@Devonshiregal - girls perform better in single sex environments, boys do better in mixed sex environments, it's been well documented for decades.

Your stereotypes are pretty off kilter, OP - boys aren't necessarily more loud or badly behaved at all. It's parenting choices and temperament.

This.

PinotViogner · 21/12/2023 19:46

Ponderingwindow · 21/12/2023 19:41

Let’s be honest, the pre-teen years for boys don’t tend to be their best. My country has very little single-sex education, but I really wished I could have switched my DD’s school. She was miserable in mixed sex education through age 13. Thankfully at 14 we now have fewer concerns as a bit of collective maturity seems to be kicking in.

your niece will be fine. She hasn’t been harmed by not having to put up with harassment and disruption at school. She will learn to socialize as opportunities natural present themselves.

Yes because preteen/teen girls are renowned for being perfect angels.

Both sexes are very much capable of being absolutely vile at that age. The things the girls at my school were saying/doing and the nasty, vindictive way they'd treat each other over the most nothing things was ridiculous. The boys were very tame in comparison.