Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this probably isn't salvageable?

36 replies

cockadoo · 21/12/2023 16:25

I've been seeing someone for the past few months. I have an anxious attachment style and he is avoidant. I really like him and haven't felt like this in a while but I am struggling so much. I have came on very strong, I don't think he minds that as such. But I'm constantly looking for reassurance and I have already caused a few arguments due to me not feeling reassured.

Last night we had an argument and he text me this morning and said, 'I want to continue seeing you but the paranoia stuff needs to stop, I'm just being honest, I'm not putting up with that anymore'. I've apologised and said I will stop. We have chatted today but it's been mainly sexual. I don't know where to go from here.

I feel like I've ruined it before it even began. I've decided to pull right back and relax and take things how they come and stop going to him for reassurance but have I ruined it? Do you think his attraction is gone? Can I turn this around?

OP posts:
Original poster
cockadoo · 21/12/2023 16:27

I'm not accusing him of seeing other girls or anything like that. It's more constant reassurance 'does he like me?' 'Is he going to go off me?' 'Is he laughing to his mates about me?' 'Why hasn't he text me?' Etc.

OP posts:
LenaLamont · 21/12/2023 16:30

Why would you question his attachement to you? Don't you believe you are someone worth loving?

I think you need to work on your own self esteem before trying to build a relationship with someone else. You'll approach it from a much more healthy perspective when you value yourself.

Original poster
cockadoo · 21/12/2023 16:30

LenaLamont · 21/12/2023 16:30

Why would you question his attachement to you? Don't you believe you are someone worth loving?

I think you need to work on your own self esteem before trying to build a relationship with someone else. You'll approach it from a much more healthy perspective when you value yourself.

No I suppose I don't feel very lovable.

OP posts:
Mintygoodness · 21/12/2023 16:31

I think you need to talk to someone else to get validation and reassurance. It's not appropriate to put so much pressure and demands on someone you barely know. Do you have someone IRL (other than this guy) who you can talk to about your fears and insecurities?

Original poster
cockadoo · 21/12/2023 16:32

Mintygoodness · 21/12/2023 16:31

I think you need to talk to someone else to get validation and reassurance. It's not appropriate to put so much pressure and demands on someone you barely know. Do you have someone IRL (other than this guy) who you can talk to about your fears and insecurities?

Not openly and honestly no. But I am going to start therapy in January.

OP posts:
Original poster
cockadoo · 21/12/2023 16:33

I need to get to January in the meantime

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 21/12/2023 16:33

Im not accusing him of seeing other girls or anything like that. It's more constant reassurance 'does he like me?' 'Is he going to go off me?' 'Is he laughing to his mates about me?' 'Why hasn't he text me?' Etc.
Yes you have to stop because NONE of this will ever be within your control.

Didimum · 21/12/2023 16:34

I think you need to give us some examples of the sorts of scenarios that trigger these feelings for you. It’s difficult to tell whether they are warranted.

CharmedCult · 21/12/2023 16:34

I think you need to stay single until you’ve had some therapy.

BRAERS · 21/12/2023 16:34

What was your argument about last night? Why do you think his attraction for you is gone? What could he do that would make you feel reassured or is there nothing he can do? I hope you're okay.

Zanatdy · 21/12/2023 16:35

Well things will end if you don’t stop. Therapy will hopefully save things getting too far down the no return

Notimeforaname · 21/12/2023 16:35

He may go off you, he may laugh at you to his mates, he may not.

You u cant live your life wondering what he is thinking and doing and asking him for reassurance that he wont.

You take the man at face value or you leave him alone.

ManateeFair · 21/12/2023 16:35

I have an anxious attachment style and he is avoidant

Then it's obviously not going to work, is it? You're not compatible.

It's more constant reassurance 'does he like me?' 'Is he going to go off me?' 'Is he laughing to his mates about me?' 'Why hasn't he text me?' Etc.

If someone was constantly asking me for reassurance like this, it would drive me absolutely mad and I would end the relationship. It's incredibly draining to the be person on the receiving end of that (and I am not by any means 'avoidant').

If you need constant reassurance like this, the other person in the relationship feels like they're walking on eggshells all the time and it's just stressful and suffocating.

To be honest, I think you need to work on your attachment issues before you embark on a relationship, because it's really not OK to keep asking for endless reassurance like this. It is paranoid to carry on like that.

HarryOHayandBettyOBarley · 21/12/2023 16:36

Oh OP due to my childhood I’ve been you.

If this guy is the right person for you, he won’t finish it for this reason.

It’s more likely that he will get the ‘icky’ ’ for want of a better word so do your best not to question his commitment because it isn’t fair to him.

CalistoNoSolo · 21/12/2023 16:38

His 'attachment style' isn't avoidant fgs, he's just normal. You sound really hard work and needy. I would have run for the hills after the first argument so at least he's given you a chance. You need to work on yourself here.

Original poster
cockadoo · 21/12/2023 16:39

BRAERS · 21/12/2023 16:34

What was your argument about last night? Why do you think his attraction for you is gone? What could he do that would make you feel reassured or is there nothing he can do? I hope you're okay.

I think my triggers are if there is a change in his tone over texts or I'm getting less texts that day. Even though I know he is busy at work. A message came in from his friend the other night that said 'aww that's good that she like a drink'. I got it into my head that he had told his friend that he was going to get me drunk and have sex with me (we've already had sex). I demanded to see the text thread and he had just said that he was at my house having beer and I was tanking the wine. But I'd gotten angry because I was so sure in my head he'd said something derogatory about me to his friend.

He's not very forthcoming with his feelings so when I ask for reassurance he will say you know I'm interested, you know I like you, I drive an hour to see you. But he's now saying he doesn't know how many times he can say this, that it's all in my head, he's not distancing etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
cockadoo · 21/12/2023 16:40

BRAERS · 21/12/2023 16:34

What was your argument about last night? Why do you think his attraction for you is gone? What could he do that would make you feel reassured or is there nothing he can do? I hope you're okay.

Well I'm assuming the way I'm behaving is off putting and he is going to lose attraction because of my behaviour. He said that he thinks I'm crazy in a funny way but when I sit and overthink, it's too much.

I just think I've came across as very needy and the attraction will stop.

OP posts:
Original poster
cockadoo · 21/12/2023 16:43

CalistoNoSolo · 21/12/2023 16:38

His 'attachment style' isn't avoidant fgs, he's just normal. You sound really hard work and needy. I would have run for the hills after the first argument so at least he's given you a chance. You need to work on yourself here.

I know

OP posts:
Secondguess · 21/12/2023 16:43

Have you considered that you've deliberately chosen someone who is avoidant?
It may be better to be single, do the work, then think about getting into a relationship.

Notimeforaname · 21/12/2023 16:45

I just think I've came across as very needy and the attraction will stop.
Self fulfilling prophecy. Keep doing it and it will happen. Will you then say "I knew this would happen!" And blame him? .

Yes you are coming across as needy. Leave him to it and stop bothering him into answering you exactly how you would like.

Demanding to see his text is also controlling.

BRAERS · 21/12/2023 16:48

If I'm honest I'd have wanted to know what he'd said to his friend about me for the friend to say that, so I don't think that's that 'crazy'. I was going to ask the same as above, do you think you might have deliberately chosen someone avoidant? It's difficult but you have to try not to obsess about things because you'll end up creating stories for why he's behaving a certain way, when they're just that - stories.

Elvanseshortage · 21/12/2023 16:49

Your anxiety is palpable OP and I really feel for you.

It’s impossible to know the dynamics of your relationship. I know several people on here have told you that you are too needy, I guess implying that you are at fault. However, I find his text a bit unkind, almost bullying. But nobody here really knows. No bunch of strangers can tell you definitively who is behaving reasonably and who is not.

What is for certain is that you have a problem between you right now and that won’t be solved by either of you changing personalities by force of will. It’s just not possible.

Ideally what you should do is tell him how much he means to you but that you need a break to process some feelings. Then, work with a therapist and with yourself to find out what’s going on for you. If he is really keen he might wait for you.

Easier said than done, I know.

LenaLamont · 21/12/2023 16:51

OK, that's next-level paranoid, not just anxious. You're inventing scenarios, demanding to read his phone and expecting him to contact you during his working day.

You very much need to work on yourself. You will be so much happier as a result.

Overcomiong Low Self Esteem by Dr Melanie Fennell is basically a CBT course in book form. Working through the chapters might be a good help in the time until therapy starts.

You can never be happy or stable if your self worth is entirely dependent on other people, and if it's linked to just one person, the burden becomes impossible.

When you accept that you are a valuable, loveable, worthwhile human being in your own right (and you are), relationships are more rewarding and healthier.

Best of luck, OP

raffegiraffe · 21/12/2023 16:52

It will be really hard to have a relationship with someone with avoidant attachment style unfortunately

ManateeFair · 21/12/2023 16:52

I demanded to see the text thread

It is not OK to demand to read your partner's texts because you saw a completely inoffensive text about enjoying a drink. It's not just needy/anxious, it's controlling and emotionally abusive.

my triggers are if there is a change in his tone over texts or I'm getting less texts that day. Even though I know he is busy at work

Again, if you are giving him grief and questioning him because he hasn't texted you enough times (especially during the working day, ffs!) that's controlling. He needs to be able to live his life and have a normal day without worrying about whether he's texted you enough times to allay your paranoia. Your boyfriend is there to be your boyfriend, not the outlet for your anxiety problem.

Imagine if a woman on this site said: 'My partner demanded to read my texts because for some reason he thought my friends and I were laughing at him, and also if I don't text him enough when I'm at work, he accuses me of going off him and I have to tell him over and over again that I still like him. He has been told he has an 'anxious attachment style' and he says that's just the way he is and he needs that kind of constant attention from me for that reason. When I said that I just want to have a normal relationship without having to reassure him all the time and without getting grief over every tiny thing, he called me 'avoidant'. AIBU?'

Every poster would be saying 'Run for the hills - his anxious attachment issues are not a licence for him to control and manipulate you like that, and it's gaslighting to call you 'avoidant'. He needs therapy.' '

He's not very forthcoming with his feelings so when I ask for reassurance he will say you know I'm interested, you know I like you, I drive an hour to see you.

How much more forthcoming do you want him to be? Jeez.