To think this probably isn't salvageable?

[cockadoo]

I've been seeing someone for the past few months. I have an anxious attachment style and he is avoidant. I really like him and haven't felt like this in a while but I am struggling so much. I have came on very strong, I don't think he minds that as such. But I'm constantly looking for reassurance and I have already caused a few arguments due to me not feeling reassured.

Last night we had an argument and he text me this morning and said, 'I want to continue seeing you but the paranoia stuff needs to stop, I'm just being honest, I'm not putting up with that anymore'. I've apologised and said I will stop. We have chatted today but it's been mainly sexual. I don't know where to go from here.

I feel like I've ruined it before it even began. I've decided to pull right back and relax and take things how they come and stop going to him for reassurance but have I ruined it? Do you think his attraction is gone? Can I turn this around?

I think you need to seek some therapy.

You are asking way too much of him, too soon, and also of yourself! Bin the attachment style nonsense, take a big breath and a huge step back.

You do not know this guy. Can I repeat - you do not know this guy. You don’t know if he is good enough for you or not. You don’t know how he would react in a crisis, you don’t know whether he is truthful or not, you don’t know if he has your values or if he’s a player. For every relationship you have, you need to value you, first.

You are coming across as so desperate to be liked by him (or anyone), to fit into some preform that would make him like you, and that is not what relationships should be. Look at him critically and ask yourself what might he bring to your life (other than a warm body and a hard cock, which is super easy to find). What makes this particular human better than all of the others? Will you both get enjoyment out of what you are doing? Does he make you feel like you, just being you, is the best thing ever? Do you feel absolutely comfortable with him all the time?

If you don’t know, or the relationship is not giving you what you need, then end it, and find another that will. This guy sounds like a waste of time, chalk it up to experience, don’t contact him again, and move on.

I mean this kindly @cockadoo

you are a million miles away from being in the right place for a relationship

the ONLY way you can potentially save this is by stopping all your crazy shit NOW.

he drives an hour to see you? Think about it. Would you drive an hour to see someone you didn’t want to see?

he tells you - or has told you already - how he feels.

Write it all down on a list in your phone and the next time you feel like you’re spinning out of control open up the list and read it to yourself while looking in the mirror

and chill! You can’t make anyone do anything they don’t want to do, any more than you can make people do what you want them to do.

nothing you can do or say will make someone stay with you if they don’t want to, but if you keep on with this utter nonsense then you’ll drive him and everyone else away.

The other thing to remind yourself is that you are a good person and when you’re not being batshit crazy, people like you.

people come into our lives, some stay, some leave, but whether they stay or go, we carry on. If this relationship doesn’t end up being the be all and end all, that’s perfectly ok and you will be fine.

whatever happens you will be fine

Do you know what I've realised?

My anxious attachment is only an issue with avoidant, inconsistent people who aren't proactively meeting ny emotional needs.

With some people it feels like an emotional rollercoaster and like I am always "too much".

And then, other people EASILY meet my needs because they are great communicators and I am carefree, secure and relaxed.

This is simply an incompatibility issue.

We get dopamine from the breadcrumbs that avoidant people give us, this feels great.

The other kind of people can feel too safe and boring.

That is the work we need to do.

Also, he may have a point with his message, but the way he said it is awful and I personally don't like his communication style.

I also don't like the fact that you had an emotional ultimatum conversation and then it has been sexual all day rather than reconnecting.

If you were my best friend, I would tell you that you aren't compatible with him and that he isn't good for you.

OP he must really like you if he's putting up with all your nonsense. If a man needed half as much reassurance as you do, let alone accusing me of not loving him because the tone of my messages changed while I was busy at work, or demanding to read my conversations with friends for any reason at all, I would run a mile.

I have an anxious attachment style and he is avoidant.

I've read this sentence so many times on MN. Is there a correlation between people who know about/believe in attachment styles and people who still somehow find themselves in completely incompatible relationships?

Needing this much reassurance is not an "attachment style" or something innate in your personality, it's a toxic character trait that is deeply harmful to those around you.

Actually I would edit my post above to say the guy doesn’t sound like a waste of time at all, just normal, but you seem to be wanting someone who is a lot more needy and demonstrative than the norm, to match you. There are guys like that out there but they tend to be damaged, possessive and a nightmare to be with.

I really would advise you to work on yourself and build a belief of your true worth before you try again. I would tell your boyfriend that you need some time to work on your issues and you will be in touch in the new year. If it is meant to be, he will wait, and if he doesn’t, then he wasn’t that great to start with, and certainly didn’t deserve your love.

I don’t think you should be dating anyone until you’ve had some therapy. I don’t mean that in an unkind way at all btw.

You sound like a nightmare OP. You also sound very like my big sister who has never had a secure adult relationship and she’s now 50. She’s a nightmare to be in a relationship because she’s touchy paranoid volatile and easily offended. They always end in flames.

Beware.

get therapy. you’ve been together for five minutes and he’s clearly already got to watch his words with you - totally unacceptable.

Honestly I don't think it will ever work for a very anxious like yourself to date an avoidant. I have been both in the past but used to be very avoidant and he can not give you the level of reassurance you want, which will make you even more anxious. You will both end up feeling like you're not enough. As others have suggested I think it's a good idea to move yourself closer to being secure (through self esteem building and therapy) then go for someone who is either secure or slightly anxious too. Unfortunately it doesn't sound like this is the guy for you

What does "avoidant" even mean apart from one of the latest labels. He just sounds like a normal bloke to me.

I think my triggers are if there is a change in his tone over texts or I'm getting less texts that day.
triggers and saying you have an attachment style, is that the excuse for being abusive and controlling?
Your behaviour is way out of order; demanding his phone and constantly questioning him, if this was posted in reverse OP would be told to run a mile.