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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Question things after?

34 replies

Sheilaswheelz · 21/12/2023 13:31

Hi, a few weeks ago I asked my husband to leave. I was tired of him going out all the time and not helping me with the kids and around the house. After a few weeks he told me that he fancied somebody at work and it really bothered me, to the point where I have started questioning if I did the right thing. He has stayed over the odd night and it has been really nice, kids have adjusted really well etc. I really do think we could work on things as we do get on, I am just worried that things will slip back to how they was and the only reason I am doing this is because I dont want somebody else to have him. He told me he only said this to get at me but it still plays on my mind. Another thing that bothers me is that he is extremely sexual, I cant bend over without him smacking my bum or walk past him without a cuddle and it is draining, I do love him, he has asked me to come over tonight but I really dont want to go because he will pester me for sex, I just feel he cant keep his hands off me which maybe some women would absolutely love, but I loathe it.

OP posts:
Ilovemyshed · 21/12/2023 13:32

You are well shot of him by the sounds of it. Stay strong!

FictionalCharacter · 21/12/2023 13:38

YABU to think you could make it work, unless he’s willing to completely change his behaviour.

Original poster
Sheilaswheelz · 21/12/2023 13:43

I really didnt want to bring the kids up on my own, they havent even questioned why he has gone and when I suggest staying with him they dont want to. I remember always wanted my dad around when I was younger so this is alien to me. AIBU to find being constantly felt up draining, he just pulls my bra down randomly etc I literally hate it. If I dont retaliate he feels unloved and he said most women would love this.

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Whataretheodds · 21/12/2023 13:46

So he doesn't pull his weight with the kids and the house, but posters you for sex anyway.
After you asked him to move out he told you he fancied someone at work and then has been popping round (or you've been popping round to his) -presumably mainly for sex, I don't suppose he's changed a lightbulb or taken the bins out when he's been there?

What makes you think you can work things out?

Why do you think he told you he fancied someone at work?

MuggleMe · 21/12/2023 13:49

So he's repeatedly sexually harassing you. Imagine one of your children was doing it/receiving that at school. So totally unacceptable!

Original poster
Sheilaswheelz · 21/12/2023 13:50

I know but I am his wife arent I?

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Original poster
Sheilaswheelz · 21/12/2023 13:51

I literally cant even walk past him. I try to avoid it all costs and am relieved when he leaves again.

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FictionalCharacter · 21/12/2023 13:52

he just pulls my bra down randomly
He’s revolting.
I’m confused now, have you actually kicked him out or not? Are you seriously thinking of taking him back?! A half-in half-out arrangement is useless. He’ll still grope you all the time and will still do nothing around the house.

Original poster
Sheilaswheelz · 21/12/2023 13:53

Yes, I kicked him out. We did no contact at all until he told me he fancied this woman, I was really doing ok, I just hated the thought of him meeting somebody else.

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FictionalCharacter · 21/12/2023 13:53

Sheilaswheelz · 21/12/2023 13:50

I know but I am his wife arent I?

This is not making sense. Do you think that because you’re his wife he has the right to grope you incessantly?
You asked him to leave. You don’t have to be his wife any more, that’s why divorce is a thing.

Original poster
Sheilaswheelz · 21/12/2023 13:55

I know but I think he feels entitled because of that, and makes me feel like I should enjoy it when I really really dont.

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Original poster
Sheilaswheelz · 21/12/2023 13:56

Why was I so hurt about this woman he fancied, it completely threw me, I couldnt stop thinking about them together after that and thought it as maybe because I still loved him?

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MahShinyShoes · 21/12/2023 13:57

he said most women would love this.

You don't & you're the only one that matters here.
(FWIW I certainly wouldn't love it one bit.)

Look, he made you jealous & it worked, but in reality nothing has changed.

You don't enjoy his sex-pestering to the point of avoiding him, he's a lazy arse & ultimately you're messing with the kids heads whether they seem 'well adjusted' or not, it must be very confusing.

What have you gained by him coming back?

ManateeFair · 21/12/2023 14:02

He isn't going to change. He isn't going to stop going out, he isn't going to start pulling his weight around the house or being a better dad, and he isn't going to stop groping you.

Not really sure why you've continued to sleep with him after dumping him. He's using you for sex.

ManateeFair · 21/12/2023 14:05

Sheilaswheelz · 21/12/2023 13:51

I literally cant even walk past him. I try to avoid it all costs and am relieved when he leaves again.

Good grief.

FUCKING LISTEN TO YOURSELF! Can you seriously not see how dysfunctional this relationship is? Stop being such a wet lettuce and tell him to fuck off out of your life forever. He's horrible and you feel harassed by him in your own home. He's gaslighting you and essentially sexually assaulting you EVEN AFTER YOU'VE SPLIT UP. Have some bloody dignity and stop being so passive.

Original poster
Sheilaswheelz · 21/12/2023 14:09

Gaslighting how? Im really not sure what that means. Thanks everyone I need to hear this

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Original poster
Sheilaswheelz · 21/12/2023 14:11

Before we split, I went to my MIL for advice as we have always been very close. She told me that she does everything around the house too and so does my SIL and unfortunately this is part of being a mother/wife.

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Thementalloadisreal · 21/12/2023 14:11

Sounds like very blurred boundaries if you’ve asked him to leave but he’s still coming round and touching you up.

Original poster
Sheilaswheelz · 21/12/2023 14:12

I was strong enough to make the decision in the first place I need to stick to it,

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Original poster
Sheilaswheelz · 21/12/2023 14:12

Yes I suppose it does, I just completely crumbled when he mention this OW

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Ilovemyshed · 21/12/2023 14:14

Sheilaswheelz · 21/12/2023 13:50

I know but I am his wife arent I?

Its still sexual harassment if it is not consensual, same as it is rape if he coerces you to have sex if you say no.

Ilovemyshed · 21/12/2023 14:15

Sheilaswheelz · 21/12/2023 14:11

Before we split, I went to my MIL for advice as we have always been very close. She told me that she does everything around the house too and so does my SIL and unfortunately this is part of being a mother/wife.

What an utterly dysfunctional family.

Ilovemyshed · 21/12/2023 14:16

Sheilaswheelz · 21/12/2023 14:09

Gaslighting how? Im really not sure what that means. Thanks everyone I need to hear this

Gaslighting because he is denying your opinion all the time, even though you have a right to i and your own choices.

Original poster
Sheilaswheelz · 21/12/2023 14:22

A few nights before I kicked him out, he told me I would have to pay all the bills etc myself that month, following that I put his work stuff in a bag and put it at the front door and locked the door so he couldnt get in. I woke up to abuse of SIL saying how evil I was and imagine somebody did that to my son. I on the other think it was quite tame.

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Original poster
Sheilaswheelz · 21/12/2023 14:26

I asked him if he fancied the woman from work and he said what do I want to know for, so I can go back to not wanting him again?

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