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Original poster

Does anyone else feel like this about frequent contact from a parent?

30 replies

Janewontmessage · 21/12/2023 12:45

I know I can’t do much about this, just looking for some support really and wondering if anyone else is in a similar boat. I had a tricky upbringing, lots of love and material things but also lots of not so good stuff. I feel conflicted about my parents even though i do know they did their best.

My mum contacts me a lot. I get called most days. I hate it. She’s pleasant and nice but I just feel irritated by it. I do enjoy seeing them and spending time with them in small doses but I really like to have my privacy and when you’re in touch everyday it feels stifling. The irony is when they are busy you cannot get through to them. She will often call more if my dad is away, for example.

I have asked lots of times to speak less. I’ve been polite and said it’s hard to speak in the day etc. It just gets ignored. Sometimes she will stop a bit but a few days later it carries on. She’s not elderly, only in her fifties. I know one way is to just not answer but then I wonder if something terrible has happened. I’ve told her this and asked her to not call as it gives me anxiety but it still continues. I’m just sad about it I suppose. I honestly have tried not answering but I have to get back to her eventually otherwise I get more calls and texts asking why I haven’t replied, I guess because I always do. Just fed up and feel really suffocated and have done for years. Maybe I’m being a shit daughter? I don’t know

OP posts:
frustratedashell · 21/12/2023 12:59

I know you said you feel anxious if you don't answer her calls, but you need to tell her one more time that it's too much, then put boundaries in place.
People treat you now you let them.

frustratedashell · 21/12/2023 12:59

How!

autienotnaughty · 21/12/2023 13:03

Does she have a mobile. I would ignore call and text later saying - really busy talk tomorrow? Maybe try to have a routine of chatting 2 or 3 times a week so hopefully she will get use to it.

Anonymouseposter · 21/12/2023 13:04

If you didn't answer immediately would she text if it was anything important. I wouldn't always answer and would text her later to say sorry I missed your call, I was busy earlier, you okay? I'll phone you over the weekend. Just be less available until she catches on.

YellowWiggle · 21/12/2023 13:06

my mum is just like this and i also get incredible irritated by it. you do have to tough it out a bit and ignore the calls/texts. i sometimes go days before i end up replying but she never learns 🤦🏻‍♀️

Original poster
Janewontmessage · 21/12/2023 13:07

@YellowWiggle its so hard isn’t it! I feel bad because I am always on my phone, I have it with me for dc in nursery etc but I sometimes just want to be left alone. She’s only calling to be nice and chatty so I do feel bad but it’s just too much. It’s honestly gone on for years.

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 21/12/2023 13:10

It's dependency and it's suffocating. It stops you from being able to be fully independent so is problematic.

It's not healthy. She's in her 50s yet doesn't have another social support network. She should.

It's actually controlling in its own way.

NeedAnUpgrade · 21/12/2023 13:11

You’ve asked her to stop and she hasn’t so you’re going to have to follow through with what you say. If you’re still answering in the day then she probably assumes you didn’t mean it and it’s ok to keep calling.

Don’t answer, she’ll text if it’s an emergency. If you’re that worried, text after she’s called and say you can’t speak right now but will call her tomorrow/in a few days. Just keep repeating that you aren’t really able to talk every day.

Not wanting to speak to someone on a daily basis does not make you a terrible person. Like you say in your post, she doesn’t have an issue ignoring you when she’s busy.

Mary46 · 21/12/2023 13:15

Op we had same nobody rings her. 80s. When I ring her back she can play us at same thing. Kinda dread the calls.. I had to explain Im at work so cant always answer. !! Find it a bit controlling.

Original poster
Janewontmessage · 21/12/2023 13:25

The thing is she does have friends and support network so it’s odd that she often calls so much. She’s quite a full on bouncy person and when she’s excited about something she just wants to share it but it’s exhausting and I often fall out with her which then makes me feel terrible! They do go on holiday a lot and it’s like a break when they go away as they have other entertainment. I’m sure I would miss it if I didn’t hear from her but it’s literally a text… then five mins later a call because I didn’t pick up!!! Stressful

OP posts:
readingmakesmehappy · 21/12/2023 13:28

Just don't pick up the phone?

Firefly2009 · 21/12/2023 13:33

My whole family are like this - or they were anyway. Back in the days of answering machines, I bought one and stopped picking up the phone. Called back whenever I was ready and convenient for me, sometimes days later. They didn't like it and still don't, but it's tough shit. Sometimes you have to teach other people what your boundaries are by actually enforcing them.

Your mother has shown you she has no respect for your boundaries. That's reason enough to severely reduce contact, nevermind the actual phone calls. If someone insists on speaking to me, as though I don't have a choice, I automatically won't do it. You are an adult with your own life and you want your privacy. Time to make that clear by your actions, not just your words.

I really hope you don't live near to them and that you can keep your distance.

Hbh17 · 21/12/2023 13:35

It sounds absolutely suffocating. Just don't answer. If it's something important then you'll hear via some other route.

Tonight1 · 21/12/2023 13:42

Yes, I have this with a parent. Sometimes I have to block for a while! If anything was wrong I'd hear from another relative or care services. I've been ill for past few days and not been able to eat, only drink water so I really felt I wasn't up to it.

reesewithoutaspoon · 21/12/2023 14:14

Yeah my mum. My heart sinks. It's not just the frequency it's the repetitiveness and endless waffle. Eg if she was calling to ask me to lend her my carpet shampooer, the conversation will take 30 mins

mum; hello. I was just sitting here and I noticed the carpet could do with a clean, so I'm just ringing to ask could I borrow yours, because you know it's looking a bit dingy and everytime I walk in the room I notice it.
Me : sure I will pass it in on the way to the shops
(The conversation could have ended here)

Mum ok it's just I'm not doing anything tomorrow so I could do it then go to Tesco's while it dries. I mean it doesn't need much, just I'm noticing it now, especially with it being winter and having the lights on more. I figured I could borrow it for a few days. I mean I won't need it for long, it isn't really bad, just noticeable everytime I walk back in.
Me ok will drop it later
Mum. Ok well what time as I'm waiting in for the window cleaner. Did I tell you his daughter got married last week.
Me. Yes you did. I will drop off around 6pm
Mum, oh did I well she had a big wedding andhe was showing me pictures. Lovely girl,
Me I don't know him
Mum its John, the window cleaner, anyway, about the carpet cleaner, I figured if you drop it off tonight I could do that tomorrow, freshen it up a bit, it won't take long. You feel better when it's been done don't you. It won't need much.
So you will drop it off this evening then? . I can get it back to you in a few days as I will do the carpet tomorrow, then go to Tesco's while it dries. Yes that's probably the best idea. They are useful aren't they. We used to have to get on our hands and knees and scrub it. Always used stardrops. You should get some in, brilliant stuff.
It's just the carpet is looking a bit dingy and I thought I know, our Reese has a machine, I'll give her a ring and ask. And it won't take long, because it's not really dirty, just a bit dingy.
I was speaking to John round the corner and was saying I was going to give you a ring, and he said I could lend his, but I said don't worry , our Reese can drop hers round, it's no bother and I won't need it for long, because it isn't a big job

This will go on for about 30 mins. Not once will she ask me anything about me or her grandkids. She literally just talks at me for the whole time until I can find a way to end the call.

MerryMidwinter · 21/12/2023 14:29

Oh god yes. Mine cant take no for an answer - recently she called when I was on a busy train to London, on my way to an important meeting and struggling to hear her. She still insisted on having her say.

She generally texts first but then there's the ominous wondering what the hell she wants this time - 'can we have a word' can mean anything from a simple question that she could easily Google to a detailed account of which family member she's fallen out with this time. But I just cant bring myself to ignore it - it will hang over me anyway plus I'll get grief when I do speak to her.

I've tried to limit the calls or suggested that she texts instead but apparently 'it's too much for a text' - like we still have a character limit! No, it's just that you dont have me completely at your beck and call when I'm not on the end of the phone. Same as if I call her from the car - I do a lot of long journeys so it makes perfect sense - she always insinuates I'm just fitting her in and making her feel an inconvenience she is even though I also talk to my partner, DD and colleagues that way and nobody has any issues.

PP are right, it's controlling and disrespectful and I completely get where youre coming from.

Candycurrantbun · 21/12/2023 15:11

How will you feel when your own children grow up and get irritated by you?

MerryMidwinter · 21/12/2023 15:15

@Candycurrantbun I've always put my DD first and I respect peoples' boundaries so it shouldn't be an issue. Perhaps OP feels as I do, that it isn't the case with her mother

Original poster
Janewontmessage · 21/12/2023 15:23

@Candycurrantbun i would probably feel hurt but I would like to think I will continue to respect them as individuals and not just as my children

OP posts:
Corblimeys · 21/12/2023 15:28

Id have a standard text which you can quickly text saying something like .. thanks for call etc . Really busy. Will message when i can
then put it aside.
the other thing maybe arrange a weekly call .. but then make sure you dint speak in the week and tell her not to contact in meantime unless urgent and yiu wd rather focus on a good quality call weekly .. not a rushed distracted one . Then stick to it .

my dc sometimes call me loads . I love them . But i loathe speaking on the phonoe so i get the feeling.

Jioyt · 21/12/2023 15:44

I'm a little bit confused. Do you like (different from love) your mum? Usually, people who like each other will happily put up with the inconveniences of the relationships.

That will tell you all you need to know. Also, try and think of your dc saying what you said about your mum and see how you feel. If you're ok with it, just ignore your mum's call and she will eventually stop calling. Problem solved.

SeaToSki · 21/12/2023 15:52

Can you book in calls with her, say 3 evenings a week. Then just mute her phone number for the intervening times. Hopefully she will then start to learn to save up all her bits and pieces of chat for the three planned calls.

But you need to work out a way to manage your feelings about not calling her back right away, or its just not going to work.

Rocknrollstar · 21/12/2023 15:59

I used to talk to my mother every day and in the last years of her life 2/3 times a day. I would give anything to be able to call her now. Every day Something happens and I think ‘mum would be interested in that’ or ‘mum would find that funny’. Why can’t you spare five minutes a day to talk to your mother?

Blinkityblonk · 21/12/2023 16:04

I have this, I don't want to talk with this parent once a day at the time of their choosing and get harassed in between. I've texted to say I'm.at work 9-5 at home and not available and I actively text them twice a week to stop the onslaught. I adore my other parent but I would never dream.of imposing myself constantly on them, this meets their need, they aren't thinking of you or what would help you at all.

Blinkityblonk · 21/12/2023 16:06

You can mute/ignore rest of time, I switch off notifications as well, and only allow important numbers through.