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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop cooking for my husband

62 replies

beguilingeyes · 21/12/2023 11:46

We have been married for ten years. I do pretty much all of the cooking. My husband is getting more and more picky.
He won't eat tomatoes, basil, coriander, salads, most sauces.
We've been having Gousto boxes for years now, but most of the recipes I can't pick because of forbidden ingredients and lately he won't eat a lot of dressings/mayonnaise either. Last night was a pork and apple burger with a cranberry mayonnaise and parsnip relish. It was delicious.
I had to put the mayo/relish on the side be cause he won't touch them. So he ends up with just a dry burger and then complains that it's boring. Also he takes forever to come to the table and then complains that the food is cold.
AIBU to stop cooking for him? He would probably live on pie and chips for ever. By pandering to him not only does he have a boring diet, it means I can't have nice food either. I can't remember the last time I had pesto.
Separate meals now.

OP posts:
Hubblebubble · 21/12/2023 11:47

Absolutely. Explain how restricting it is for you and that ultimately you'd both be happier. If he wants a private chef he can pay for one. Why is cooking your job?

AtrociousCircumstance · 21/12/2023 11:50

Of course. Make that change. Enjoy your delicious dinners!

Alarum · 21/12/2023 11:55

He sounds like a massive pain in the arse. Is he like this about other things or just dinner?

Original poster
beguilingeyes · 21/12/2023 12:03

Just food. I think he's morphing into his father.

OP posts:
FreshWinterMorning · 21/12/2023 12:05

Of COURSE you stop cooking for him. Don't know why you are doing it all the time anyway, but heyho some women do. (I did for some years!)

My DH made the mistake of berating almost every fucking meal I did for him some years ago. (bit cool, bit hot, bit underdone, bit overdone, bit salty, bit dry..... Hmm)

One time it was 7 days on the trot. I saw red and scooped all his food in the bin and carried on eating mine. He was like Confused and went red with shame when I said 'my cooking is not good enough for you?! Well cook your own fucking dinner from now on, I am DONE!'

He grovelled and said he was sorry for DAYS on end, and it was a fortnight before I cooked for him again. He has never said anything since - ever.

It's the height of rudeness and disrespect, and plain fucking NASTY to slag off food that someone has lovingly cooked and prepared, and taken THEIR time to make for you. Just fuck off with that shit.

Kittenkitty · 21/12/2023 12:28

I think it’s reasonable to make some adjustments but this sounds too much, just make what you like and if he doesn’t want it you can have it for lunch or tea again the next day. He’ll either eat it or start to cook his own.

IKnowYouBetterThanThat · 21/12/2023 12:37

@FreshWinterMorning I like your style 😁

OP. YANBU! Tell him to buy a job lot of Fray Bentos and some oven chips and knock himself out while you enjoy your choice of fresh meals!

ConstitutionHill · 21/12/2023 12:39

Just cook your own of course. Bet you won't though.

ConstitutionHill · 21/12/2023 12:40

FreshWinterMorning · 21/12/2023 12:05

Of COURSE you stop cooking for him. Don't know why you are doing it all the time anyway, but heyho some women do. (I did for some years!)

My DH made the mistake of berating almost every fucking meal I did for him some years ago. (bit cool, bit hot, bit underdone, bit overdone, bit salty, bit dry..... Hmm)

One time it was 7 days on the trot. I saw red and scooped all his food in the bin and carried on eating mine. He was like Confused and went red with shame when I said 'my cooking is not good enough for you?! Well cook your own fucking dinner from now on, I am DONE!'

He grovelled and said he was sorry for DAYS on end, and it was a fortnight before I cooked for him again. He has never said anything since - ever.

It's the height of rudeness and disrespect, and plain fucking NASTY to slag off food that someone has lovingly cooked and prepared, and taken THEIR time to make for you. Just fuck off with that shit.

Nice one ☝️

Seaweed42 · 21/12/2023 12:42

It's so fucking rude.
I cook 5 days a week as I work part time from home and DH two days a week.

I absolutely cherish those days of getting a dinner handed to me.

It's such a privilege having a dinner handed to you.

Except for the men man-children out there.

Because it's still a fucking mans world and as many of us saw in our own childhoods and still today....

boys get their dinners handed to them first.

Lunaballoon · 21/12/2023 12:49

@FreshWinterMorning We can all learn from you 😂

Whatineed · 21/12/2023 12:52

Sling a few bags of oven chips in the freezer and some Fray Bentos pies in the cupboard. He can read, so he can understand the instructions and crack on.

The burger sounded lovely.

TheTecknician · 21/12/2023 12:55

Anyone - man, woman or child - with that attitude to meals being prepared for them should eat it or risk wearing it! Utterly unacceptable.

WulyJmpr · 21/12/2023 13:03

Yep. My husband and I stopped trying to have the same meals 5 years ago and we're both much happier for it. I am a foodie, whilst he would happily eat soylent everyday 😣

Goldbar · 21/12/2023 13:09

You have shown incredible restraint. I applaud your emotional regulation. Even your proposed solution is moderate in its terms, given the provocation.

If your "D"H had the misfortune to live in this house, he would not merely be an endangered species but actually extinct by now.

I would remind him of that if he complains about his new situation. Some animals, such as the dodo, died out because they couldn't adapt effectively to a change in circumstances. It would be a shame if he followed in the dodo's footsteps but oh well, these things happen.

Edinburghguy · 21/12/2023 13:11

Is he doing this for health reasons?

Footgoose · 21/12/2023 13:19

I pretty much stopped cooking for my DH about 6 months ago , the fussiness and list of what he wouldn’t eat finally finished me off .

he will literally stand over me and tell me what size the onion slices should be, ( only red will do , chunky slices ) what shape the pasta should be ( only eats fussilli ) He now lives off chicken , rice , and bean burgers , no bun as he only eats brown warbuton thins . The list is endless .

morechaimama · 21/12/2023 13:23

I have these problems with my nine year old, I certainly wouldn't tolerate it from a grown man. Another version of the pie and oven chips would be to present him with EXACTLY the same boring meal - say pasta with a jar sauce - every night for a fortnight... something that takes you minutes to prepare with no thought required. And see how that goes down...

Baldieheid · 21/12/2023 13:24

I'd leave him to his own devices. If you do the shopping, fill a section of the freezer with his preferred chips, pies, burgers, fish fingers, whatever, and tell him to get on with it. Buy a small airfryer for him if you have to. Let him get on with it whenever he's hungry.

Then for your dinner, cook what you bloody well want to eat and have it however you want. Fancy sauces, spices, as much garlic as could kill a vampire in the next town....

JadziaD · 21/12/2023 13:24

So he's ADDING foods he won't eat. eg last week it was tomatoes, this week it's tomatoes and onions and next week it's tomatoes, onions and garlic?

To be honest, I'd actually be quite worried about him. when we were first together/married, DH went through some obsessive food fads and it was very irritating. I was also worried as it was always so extreme and I felt like he was constantly on the edge of disordered eating.

Having said all that, even if it IS something you should be worried about - in which case you should absolutely address with him what is happening and should he seek help - it's still perfectly reasonable to say that this kind of ad hoc ridiculous changes to what he will eat, combined with complaints regarding the quality of what you cook instead, will not be tolerated and he can cook his own food from now on.

Hubblebubble · 21/12/2023 13:30

On a parenting note, my 3 year old DS helps me cook (kid safe knives for chopping). I'm hopeful that this will A equip him with the life skill of cooking. B Ensure he goes off into adult life understanding that men and boys are perfectly capable of cooking.

Ponderingwindow · 21/12/2023 13:48

My husband is extremely picky. I stopped cooking for him years ago. It was essential for our marriage.

BigFatLiar · 21/12/2023 13:54

If you think he'll be happy with pie and chips just chuck a pie and some frozen chips in the oven while you have whatever you want. No great effort involved in reheating a pie and chips, he can live off that from now on.

Original poster
beguilingeyes · 21/12/2023 13:57

Edinburghguy · 21/12/2023 13:11

Is he doing this for health reasons?

Lord no, if only that were true.
Thanks for all the support. A new regime. It's a shame that Gousto meals for one are so expensive compared with boxes for multiple people.

OP posts:
CornishPorsche · 21/12/2023 14:03

@beguilingeyes when DH is at sea, used I order the Gousto box for two people and have the leftovers for lunch the next day. Feeds me for 4 full days!

This reminds me DH was supposed to be cooking once a week and hasn't in a LONG time. As per a PP I love it when someone feeds me. I'm a feeder - call it my love language.

I don't care if it's a jacket spud, beans on toast or a cheese toastie as long as I don't have to plan, shop, prepare or cook the damn thing. My only request is no ready meals.