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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that in 10 years time I probably wont even remember who these freaks are? but I will still go round for them..

33 replies

hobalob · 15/03/2008 19:57

btw I have namechanged, due to paranoia.

I went out for a drink with some friends, only to discover that most of our views are worlds apart. on soooooooo many things. I dont want to go into details, incase they post on here, but one sticking point was wanting to send their kids to private school so they learn proper manners and dont mix with local kids (they arent that bad imo). and charity shops are for poor people. And I lost count of the numebr of times they mentioned how much they earnt.

I moved here a couple of years ago and find it hard to make proper friends, though I have lots of acquantances. But I am friends with a few people from the groups i go to with ds. So I was really upset when they turned out to be so different from me.

But a good friend of mine (from where I used to live - the other side of the country) said she cant even remember the people she met through her ds's groups.

So on the one hand, I am upset that the only 'friends' I have made are really not the people I would choose to be friends with, but on the other (more drunk) hand I think - in 10 years time I probably wont even remember their names.

am I just evil? and am i even more evil to continue to go round theirs cos I dont know anyone else round here?!?!

OP posts:
binkleandflip · 15/03/2008 19:59

Desperate perhaps but not evil (I mean, to go round when you dont really get along with them but pretending that you do - what are you really gaining?)

beaniesteve · 15/03/2008 20:01

a friend of mine told me recently that the most difficult thing about being a parent is all the tw*ts you have to be nice to for the sake of your kids. ie if his kids are friends with another kid he has to move in the same circles as people he really doesn't like.

themoon66 · 15/03/2008 20:10

Stay friends with them and try to turn their views around slowly by gently reasoning with them.

tinylady · 15/03/2008 20:14

Some friendships just don't last-it is a natural and normal occurance.
Widen your social circle, go out without them and you will find you probably see them less and less as more genuine friendships manifest themselves
They probably feel the same about you- it's part of the ebb and flow of life, don't worry

rookiemater · 15/03/2008 20:14

If you are going to call people "freaks" then I think for your sakes and for theirs its better if you don't hang out with them, as you are clearly not destined to be lifelong bosom buddies.

I would suggest you make some different friends, maybe volunteer for your local NCT group, where secondhand and charity shops are seen as positive virtues.

Miggsie · 15/03/2008 20:16

...if you have so little in common may be the friendship will slowly die a death anyway?
In the meantime concentrate on finding and meeting other people where possible, you might even meet some people via these two you have more in common with.
It sounds like they assume you agree with their views (which sound a bit narrow and money orientated) which is why they expressed them so glibly...perhaps it was a back handed compliment.
DS will move on and you will meet other parents...

beakysmum · 15/03/2008 20:16

Have been there, done that on this issue too! Sympathy, Hob!

I did keep meeting up with them for another year or two, but in the end, it just couldn't work any more. And by that time I guess I had met loads of other people. Interestingly, there was no big falling out with them, I just stopped going along and not one of them has ever contacted me. i was quite hurt by that; I could have gone under a bus for all they knew or cared!

Not sure that helps, but you are not alone. Why should we have loads in common with people just because we gave birth at similar times?

Original poster
hobalob · 15/03/2008 20:40

I think the problem is that I dont really know anyone else round here!
They arent really freaks, they just have very different viewpoints to me, which I find hard in a 'proper' friendship. But then perhaps their exposure to me will make them rethink their views - I have already got one of them to start recycling I don't dislike them, I just find their views very much at odds with mine..

glad to know so many of you have been there done that!

OP posts:
WallOfSilence · 15/03/2008 20:44

I never saw one person in my antenatal class after I give birth.

binkleandflip · 16/03/2008 12:43

they may of course be quite happy and content just being themselves, in spite of their exposure to you hobalob. Seriously, you need to get some proper friends who you respect and genuinely get along with. They may feel that you dont fit in too but dont wish to be unkind as you have no other friends (as you stated).

ratbunny · 16/03/2008 12:52

you sound lonely hob. I know how you feel, as i moved to a new place before having ds. I have made a few friends, but it is different making friends through parent adn toddler groups etc than when you made them yourself through university / your own interest groups (iyswim).
I don't have any advice for you, just wanted to let you know you're not alone

blueshoes · 16/03/2008 13:03

hobalob, are you planning on going back to work? If you are, I would say that my antenatal acquaintances faded into the background and become quite irrelevant once I returned.

UnquietDad · 16/03/2008 13:20

Well, their money obvious hasn't taught them any manners, because constantly referring to how much you earn is one of the most vulgar things you can do. Do they all have lots of jewellery and drive white BMWs?

UnquietDad · 16/03/2008 13:21

That's "obviously", obviously... Sigh.

alfiesbabe · 16/03/2008 13:37

agree with blueshoes. It seems like a big deal right now because of the stage you're at. But tbh, it's difficult at the baby/toddler stage because you tend to just come across people through your child and you don't necessarily have anything in common, other than that your children were born around the same time!! I feel I have a lot more in common with work colleagues and people I know through things like book group/otehr activities. I occasionally see one person I was at ante natal classes with but thats it.

cornsilk · 16/03/2008 13:41

God they sound hideous - are they just pretending to be posh?

cornsilk · 16/03/2008 13:42

hobalob - you could have lots of fun winding them up you know and then report back here! (It would keep me entertained anyway!)

EasterBunnylicious · 16/03/2008 13:46

Where are you hob? Maybe you could find some mnetters more along your wavelength

frecklyspeckly · 16/03/2008 22:52

Some will be good. Some will be bad - dont worry- its taken me 5 years to meet some mums on my wavelength - and thats after a lot of false starts with 'freaks' - i knew a woman who got me down all the time from a mum and baby group. Here were some of her theories: 1]as with your friend, charity shops are bad and for poor people - i.e. me at the time. 2] I should do something useful with my life and get a career 3]I should not send my son to local school because it was 'common' 4] the reason my baby cried all the time was because he was picking up my anxiety 5]I should get a decent car to pick her up from BMW car showroom when requested to help her out when hers was in for MOT ( even staff at garage looked appalled at her rudeness) 6] my wedding dress was too fairy princess - when picking up uninvited my wedding album 7] she would teach me how to cook a proper curry for my husband 8] she would give me cooking lessons full stop because i relied on processed food too much 9] she would give me her sons cast offs as long as i returned them washed and ironed when he had finished with them as it was the only way he would ever have decent clothes. 10] i needed to see a doctor because i was annorexic - i was size 12 - she was much larger.

There is more.In the end it came to a head on sons first birthday when she completely ruined the party and i cracked and told her I never wanted to see her again. I stopped taking her calls and stopped ringing her back. In fact i became a bit of a hermit. It felt awful to do this butI just could not take it anymore!! I later discovered 1] she was terribly unhappily married 2] she had a history of doing this to people and grinding them down 3] was from a very down to earth background she was really embarassed about. 4] she was struggling to cope with her own child . Your mate sounds a bit like her I think.

MadameCh0let · 16/03/2008 23:17

I'm nouveau pauvre and can't afford to send my children to private school. I wish I could though. I went to one myself and it just seems normal to me.

I can't understand why people mind if other people want to spend their money of private schools?! If they can afford it, let them spend it. It's really strange to fall out over it.

Btw, one of the poshest guys I've ever known once said to me "do you like my shoes? I've just pulled them out of that skip". So charity shops may be for poor people but I'm sure posh people have a browse every now and then, and they might buy something IF it's reasonably priced

UnquietDad · 17/03/2008 09:56

I like "nouveau pauvre" - I'm going to adopt that!

MadameCh0let · 17/03/2008 10:16

I live in gentile poverty, but I wear it on my sleeve a little. Now that I am a single parent and everybody knows I am broke it's easier to be pauvre. Nobody says, come skiing, or we're getting the teacher some John Lewis vouchers etc etc..

perpetualworrier · 17/03/2008 10:18

I see the people I mix with solely through the DS's as work colleagues. My job FTB is to do my best for the DS's so there are people I have to be nice to, just like customers or colleagues at work. And, just like at work, there are some I tolerate because I have to, some I get along with in a working relationship and some that become good friends.

RE the charity shops, I work in finance and believe me the wealthiest people outwardly look the poorest. Those who appear wealthy have already spent what they have and everything else is on credit. It's all about appearances to them and they are jealous of those who don't put pressure on themselves to keep up these appearances IMO. My very richest customer (we're talking many millions) has never bought a brand new car. He knows he could if he wanted to, but is not that bothered. V. posh cars are never paid for IME.

DoodleToYou · 17/03/2008 10:20

Message withdrawn

UnquietDad · 17/03/2008 10:22

Gentile poverty? You shop in non-Jewish charity shops?