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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for time off

40 replies

Emeraldrings · 21/12/2023 11:03

My dad has been ill for a while and last night was his last night with us. I can't stop crying and just sat here with my mum who keeps asking where dad is. She has dementia but I think it's more she can't accept he's gone.
I spoke to work and asked if I could have next off as I can't leave mum on her own and just feel crap.
They said no it'll put them out of ratio.
I don't know what to do. My minds all over the place. I can't leave mum and my dad was such a fantastic person I'm going to miss him forever.
DH has told me not to go in and that they're being shit. I don't feel I can physically or mentally cope with work. What should I do? I just want to stay with mum and support her.

OP posts:
TigerRag · 21/12/2023 11:05

Do they know about your mum and her dementia?

putthehamsterbackinitscage · 21/12/2023 11:05

So sorry Ip - it's awfully the best of times and with a good employer.

Call your gp - they will sign you off.
Don't be bullied into work- you are not in a fit state and you need to grieve.

isthewashingdryyet · 21/12/2023 11:05

Just don’t go in, go sick and then get a note from your GP. Mine gave me 6 weeks off after we lost dad, suddenly and unexpectedly, so the shock was awful. I cried for two weeks solidly.

and so very sorry for your loss, this time of year makes it so hard

Lammveg · 21/12/2023 11:06

Work will always be there and the cog will continue to turn without you.
If you need this time then take it, its more important than work. It's up to work to sort out ratios.

Sorry to hear about your dad OP.

WellThisIsFun1 · 21/12/2023 11:06

I don't think asking for a little compassionate leave is unreasonable. What's the HR policy on it?

Neriah · 21/12/2023 11:09

I'm sorry for your loss. Neither of you are being unreasonable. You asked for time off, and they have a good reason to say no. They need their employees in work. They're a business and that's their need. You, on the other hand, are saying that you are not fit for work - nothing to do with "time off". If you are not fit for work then you can sign off sick - the first week is self- certified. That is what you need to do. And it isn't remotely unreasonable to do it.

BIossomtoes · 21/12/2023 11:12

So very sorry, what a horrible place to be in. What should you do? Go sick for as long as it takes. Or if you can afford to, tell your horrible employers to go fuck themselves.

Catza · 21/12/2023 11:12

If they don't grant you compassionate leave (and I would question whether I would want to remain with this employer if that was the case), then self-certify as unfit for work and make an appointment with your GP. Also, call ACAS for advice.

Sunshineandflipflops · 21/12/2023 11:13

Neriah · 21/12/2023 11:09

I'm sorry for your loss. Neither of you are being unreasonable. You asked for time off, and they have a good reason to say no. They need their employees in work. They're a business and that's their need. You, on the other hand, are saying that you are not fit for work - nothing to do with "time off". If you are not fit for work then you can sign off sick - the first week is self- certified. That is what you need to do. And it isn't remotely unreasonable to do it.

This. I work in Local Government and would absolutely be given compassionate leave, but if I wasn't then I would be taking time off anyway. You have just lost your dad and have caring responsibilities towards your mum so they can't possibly expect you to go into work and conduct business as usual.

CrotchetyQuaver · 21/12/2023 11:17

Perfectly normal for some compassionate leave after a close family death, it's your work who are being unreasonable here. If they are saying no to that then I would have no hesitation in saying you're not coming in/getting signed off by a GP.

PhulNana · 21/12/2023 11:22

I'm so sorry for your loss, not made any better by YOUR AWFUL EMPLOYER. My father died and I was kind of numb, I went into work and after a bit I mentioned he had died to my manager. She said 'What are you doing here?' and rang for a taxi to take me home at their expense. She said 'I don't want to see you for a week, and only then if you're OK'. Compassionate paid leave. They sent some flowers later that day. And an extra day of paid leave for the funeral.

I strongly suggest you try to find a different job. The Civil Service are good for this sort of thing.

Oh... a quick thought. Are you in the UK?

EvilElsa · 21/12/2023 11:25

They've said no?!!! I can't imagine as a business owner ever treating a member of staff like that. Disgraceful. I'm so sorry OP.

gerteddy · 21/12/2023 11:25

You go see your gp and get a line. You've just lost ur dad so even regardless of ur mum needing u, u need time off to grieve. At times like this work comes last!

CameronCook · 21/12/2023 11:25

Hugs Emerald

I am so sorry about your Dad and that your work are being crap.

Take as much time as you need for you and for your Mum. I think the GP would willingly sign you off work at a time like this

FloweryName · 21/12/2023 11:27

Call your GP and get signed off sick. Some workplaces seem to have policies about bereavement leave that are inhumane.

FestiveFruitloop · 21/12/2023 11:29

Who on earth has voted YABU to this?

OP I'm so sorry for your loss.

ManateeFair · 21/12/2023 11:29

You are absolutely not fit to work at the moment and if you can't get compassionate leave (which frankly, is a disgrace) then I agree with PPs with that your GP should sign you off. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Original poster
Emeraldrings · 21/12/2023 11:30

Thanks for the support. My manager asked me how I can possibly know now how I'll feel next week. She upset me so much. I'm looking at my dad's Christmas present and it makes me cry even more.
I am in the UK and my work place have done things like this before.

OP posts:
penjil · 21/12/2023 11:34

Your work being "out of ratio" is not your problem.

Things crop up all the time and your work should be prepared for that.

Ring in sick with stress for 1 week. You can self-certify for 7 days.

After that, if you need more time, get signed off with stress from your GP. When work ring, tell them they are adding to the stress!

EvilElsa · 21/12/2023 11:35

Please do get signed off OP. You are genuinely not fit to work. I'd start job hunting as soon as you feel well enough to do so.

Whatevershallidowithmylife · 21/12/2023 11:38

I’m so sorry for your loss. Absolutely call in sick. You probably need to give them an expected idea of return which is standard so you could say I’m calling in sick and feel so down I will be off for the week. Then get a go and get signed off. Your mum needs you and you probably need her too x

needanotherhol · 21/12/2023 11:42

Sorry for your loss OP, can't imagine how hard it is dealing with your own grief and having to care for your poor Mum too.

Definitely don't go into work next week regardless of how much pressure you receive from your awful manager. The doctor will 100% sign you off if you don't feel like going in the following week(s).

Take care x

BIossomtoes · 21/12/2023 11:42

Whatevershallidowithmylife · 21/12/2023 11:38

I’m so sorry for your loss. Absolutely call in sick. You probably need to give them an expected idea of return which is standard so you could say I’m calling in sick and feel so down I will be off for the week. Then get a go and get signed off. Your mum needs you and you probably need her too x

Bad idea. As her manager has already said, she can’t possibly know how she’ll feel next week. Or the week after.

Babyroobs · 21/12/2023 11:44

Please just get signed off. You will be in no fit state to work and your employers sound hideous. They must have a compassionate leave policy surely?

TinselTittz · 21/12/2023 11:45

@BIossomtoes her DAD has just died..