To ask for time off

[Emeraldrings]

My dad has been ill for a while and last night was his last night with us. I can't stop crying and just sat here with my mum who keeps asking where dad is. She has dementia but I think it's more she can't accept he's gone.
I spoke to work and asked if I could have next off as I can't leave mum on her own and just feel crap.
They said no it'll put them out of ratio.
I don't know what to do. My minds all over the place. I can't leave mum and my dad was such a fantastic person I'm going to miss him forever.
DH has told me not to go in and that they're being shit. I don't feel I can physically or mentally cope with work. What should I do? I just want to stay with mum and support her.

You are legally entitled to unpaid time off for a dependent and your parent clearly falls into this category

www.acas.org.uk/time-off-for-bereavement

Or call in sick and call your GP

Disgusting behavior. Poor you and your mum.

Jesus christ. When my mum died, my work told me I wasn't allowed through their door for a fortnight unless it was for someone to talk to!

Not saying all employers need to be saints but any employer who gives a response like that, doesn't deserve to have people working for them. Fair enough, asking for a whole week off might put them under the pressure but at the very LEAST, I'd expect them to try and find solution. Out of interest, did they know in advance about your dad's declining health and your mum's dementia? Any decent manager should have been prepared for a time when you'd suddenly need to be off - whether they grant paid compassionate leave or not.

Agree with everyone else, call in sick. Self cert for a week and there isn't a doctor in the land who won't give a sick line for the second week by default.

I would seriously consider looking for a new job in the new year, though. This is not a good employer.

So sorry you're going through this. Get your sick line, fuck work and look after yourself and your mum.

If you can't have compassionate leave when a parent dies, when on earth can you have it?

I'm sorry for your loss, OP.

Don't go in. Your mum needs you, and you need time to deal with this. And when you are feeling stronger get another job.

Yes get your boundaries in place and your priorities straight and don't go in.
How DARE your manager say that to you about how you won't know how you'll feel next week.
She must really hate herself for saying that or has no hear at all.

Get signed off or whatever and tell her straight. Also would you not be able to be protected as a carer for your mum by some legislation?

I KNOW. That’s why she shouldn’t make any prediction about when she might return to work, it could easily be several weeks before she’s ready. All that’s necessary is to go sick and leave the question of return open ended.

Sorry for your loss. When my dad passed away I was off without question straightaway for 2 weeks. I can't remember but I think one I had booked as holiday anyway. I was going to work after the first day to take my mind off it but my boss insisted and she was right

Sorry I'm struggling today. I'm trying to put on a happy face for my 3 year old as he doesn't understand. I've had my teenagers in tears.
I really don't know how to get through tomorrow. I'm trying to be strong but I feel I'm cracking up. Can't even cancel Christmas, which is what I want to do because lots of young nieces and nephews and DS.
I just want to go to bed and wake up in New Year. How am I meant to get through the next few days.

She is clearly a very cold hearted person who has never experienced grief, what a callous comment how can you know how you’ll feel next week- of course you do- you are in the eary stages of grieving and caring for sick dm. Get yourself signed off by gp and hang the work ratio

You will get through this but nothing is set in concrete about a timeframe. Take it a minute at a time. Explain to your teenagers and family that you might need to leave the room sometimes for quiet time Crying is acceptable. Try and think what your Dad would want you to do. When I lost my fantastic Dad and was struggling I heard his voice telling me to remember him with smiles and laughter. It took a while and even now several years later I still have moments of grief but the happy memories are much stronger

Your DH is talking sense. Call in sick then see your GP.

In terms of getting through Christmas, try to make it good for your three year old, but don’t worry about extended family (you mention “nieces and nephews”). They’re not your prime concern right now. You can abstain from going out on visits, and you can cancel visitors to your house. No reasonable person would object.

Your DH can still go out to see his side of the family with DC3 if he wishes. Put yourself firmly first for a few days (DC3 excepted of course).

You get through literally an hour at a time. Your youngest will help take some time up, I am sure your dad would want Christmas to continue, but just do what you want when, and if you want to cry cry

as to work, get yourself signed off, for however long you need

You’ll get through @Emeraldrings. Don’t make impossible demands of yourself, Christmas just after a major bereavement is brutal. My mum died just before Christmas eight years ago. I cried all day. User’s advice is spot on. 💐

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my lovely Dad suddenly a few days before Xmas last year and it's the hardest thing I've ever had to get through. We coped by getting through hour by hour, but I will admit to getting very drunk on Xmas night. He loved music so we spent the evening singing his favourite songs and sharing lovely memories. Maybe not realistic with a 3 year old and a confused mum but basically just do whatever you need to get through the next few days
Re work - go sick, I took 8 weeks off but luckily have the most compassionate and understanding manager who had gone through similar herself a few years before. Don't force yourself to go back earlier than you are ready as it will just make everything feel even worse.