Grief - am I not doing it right?

CatalogueOnVinylFlooring · 2023-12-19T22:03:54+00:00

DM died three weeks ago after a long and protracted illness (cancer, isn't it always?). I've spent the past year balancing the demands of travel to be with her (four hours each way) with a very full on full time job, young family and being the main liaison for all other family members. It's been exhausting but I've just kept on going. I thought I'd either fall apart after her death or feel relieved but I just feel numb and overwhelmed and....annoyed? I also haven't really cried. When she was diagnosed there was a feeling of "don't fall apart until you know it's cancer, don't fall apart until you know how advanced it is, don't fall apart until you know the treatment hasn't worked" so there's never been a cliff edge of emotion to fall off. And now it's just a gentle declining slope into the quagmire of grief and I know I should go in and submerge myself but I'm avoiding it. I won't discuss her with anyone, I have dived straight back into work full steam and actively stop myself crying even when I'm alone. It's like I don't know how to grieve. Am I going to completely fuck myself up?

laundryelf · 19/12/2023 22:11

So sorry for the loss of your Mum, hopefully someone else will come along with better advice. All I can say is that you're probably putting off feeling it fully and at some point you may collapse when the grief hits you. Take care of yourself OP, whatever way you want to grieve is right for you, try not to stress over the "right" way to grieve.💐

NeedToChangeName · 19/12/2023 22:11

Grief is very personal. Just do what works for you. A healthy lifestyle of diet, sleep and exercise may help, if that's your usual lifestyle

MigGirl · 19/12/2023 22:13

I think at this point counselling would be really helpful. I think feeling numb is totally normal, but if you keep bottling everything up at some point you may break. Talking it over with a professional should help you process it all.

Doyouthinkyou · 19/12/2023 22:13

You can't force yourself to feel anything. I think you need to be kind to yourself and give yourself some time. Don't fight what comes up but don't be afraid to enjoy things too. Anger is a common emotion in grief.

Brandyginger · 19/12/2023 22:14

DM died slowly from cancer 18 months ago aged 68. I didn’t collapse at the time - took week off work then back into it - and I’ve not collapsed since. Don’t think I’ve completely fucked myself up! My condolences to you 💐 .

Forsoothmylord · 19/12/2023 22:15

Firstly, no, there is no right way to grieve and you haven’t fucked anything up.
Anger is a really common emotion to feel, don’t feel any shame in that, try to really lean into it and question who or what you are angry with. Perhaps you feel abandoned by your DM, and angry about that. Perhaps you feel let down by the other people who cared for her. I think anger can be a way of deflecting away from the sadness, which is completely understandable, but it does need to be felt, and will find a way through. You are still numb and that numbness is an anaesthetic of sorts.
Try going for a walk alone and looking up at the sky.
It’s a long road but there will surprising gifts along the way x

thesandwich · 19/12/2023 22:15

I’m sorry for your loss, but as pp has said there is no right way to grieve, nothing you “should” do.
But not talking about it may not be the best thing for you- consider talking to someone like cruse or Macmillan.
and be very gentle with yourself.

takealettermsjones · 19/12/2023 22:15

I'm so sorry about your mum OP. I lost a parent 7 months ago and I only started to really feel it for the last month. I did exactly the same as you - keep going for everyone else. I also struggle to show emotion but that's another issue 😅 I don't have advice as I'm still right in it but just solidarity.

AnImaginaryCat · 19/12/2023 22:16

I'm very sorry for your loss. I've just been through similar. Long protracted illness which took a lot of care for the last three years.

It's so hard and everyone's grief is different. Also when you were the main carer that took over your life you suddenly have a massive life style change. Relief and mostly likely guilt for feeling relief.

Numbness is normal to start with. There's no need to stop yourself crying when you are alone.

Do you think you've accepted she has actually died? Has it sunk in you no longer have that responsibility of care anymore?

Ratfinkstinkypink · 19/12/2023 22:16

I don't think there is a right or wrong way to grieve, there's just your way and that is individual to each person. As for the numbness, I think a lot of us find ourselves numb, it's coming up to two years since DH died and I still feel numb, the rawness of his dying is less but the numbness is still there. Sending you strength 🌹

Whoknowswhatanymore · 19/12/2023 22:16

God I’m so sorry for the loss of your mum op. This reminds me of when my dad passed suddenly and I found it hard to grieve at first; shock I think. But then it hit me hard and at the strangest of times, brushing my hair in the mirror, driving down the road to work, cleaning the bathroom etc, it was very strange and I used to just burst into tears randomly asking why it had happened. I still do it occasionally but less often now as I do believe time is a healer. Try to let it out and not keep it in but there’s no rush, do what is best for you. Huge hugs xx

ArcaneWireless · 19/12/2023 22:17

There isn’t a right way. It will just be the right way for you and it’ll come when and if you are ready.

You have probably been protecting yourself and ‘managing’ your emotions for so long, it is hard to stop.

When you are ready to let yourself grieve, you will - however it manifests itself.

The main thing is that you look after yourself, listen to your emotions and if you can, be open to support to help you.

I’m sorry about your mam. 💐

Clarinet1 · 19/12/2023 22:18

You are probably still in “coping” mode. However you may find that the grief suddenly hits you at a later stage without necessarily having an obvious trigger. It may be a good idea to talk to a therapist or counsellor about how you are feeling; It may be have to do with your relationship with your mother or your childhood experiences (just suggestions, nothing wrong with exploring this).
I hope you find a peaceful resolution and I’m sorry for your loss.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 19/12/2023 22:18

You're just protecting yourself, it can take months or years for people to go through grief. You've been through a shocking, upsetting and devastating time and then the loss of your DM. So sorry for your loss. I was in your shoes and felt I couldn't possibly be in shock as my DM was terminally ill but I was. It was a traumatic shock that my DM was actually gone and I struggled to process any of it for a long time. Do what you need to do and get help when you need it. It's OK to be led by your instincts.

XmasPartyhat · 19/12/2023 22:19

It's different for everyone. I lost a sibling to cancer and my first feeling was relief. Relief their suffering was over and relief from a purely selfish view point that the stress their illness had placed on everyone's lives was now over.

What I will say from experience is that the grief will come out one way or another. I was similar to you in that I just of carried on. I had a new job, it was covid etc. I just had to get on with it. It eventually came out as pure rage after about six months. I was not a nice person to be around at that point.

melisma · 19/12/2023 22:19

You've been in "doing" mode for a very long time and it will take a while for you to come out of that. It was exactly the same for me following my Dad's death as for a long time my sister and I had been caring for him, coordinating all the health issues and interventions and (eventually) carers, hospital equipment, medication. I had the exact same worry as you about 3 weeks after he died - I just felt numb and like some kind of robot. I worried that I was really cold hearted because I just didn't seem to be feeling it. Wise friends reassured me that there is no right way to do grief- and also it can hit when you least expect it. For me I sailed through the first fathers day after his loss but then was a mess in the supermarket a week later when I saw cans of the particular brand of soft drink which became his favourite in those last weeks. My condolences and good wishes to you.

OhThatHappenedWhatNow · 19/12/2023 22:21

There isn’t a rule book, and it’s only been 3 weeks
don’t judge yourself, look after yourself and allow time to feel what you feel.

and if you feel nothing for a while then that’s ok.

PurpleNebula84 · 19/12/2023 22:26

Don't beat yourself up... You will deal with it in your own way... It might be tomorrow, it might be next week or it might be next year... There is no right or wrong and you deal with it how you see fit.
I lost my mum a few months ago... And I'm very similar... Had to hold it together for my dad, still be mum to my daughter.. I started a new job pretty much as it happened, so I've thrown myself into that too. I also had a miscarriage at the same time... None of it has still sunk in if I'm truly honest... I can't even have my own pity party because whenever I try to have my own little cry, I scare the dog senseless, so he snaps me out of it because I feel guilty for upsetting him 🙈🙈
Sorry for your loss - don't gauge yourself on what you think others think you should be doing. I've made my peace with the idea I will deal with it when I have the opportunity and time for it... For now, the grief coat is hung up on the rack in the drying room waiting for me to don it when it's ready and the weather (time) suits the attire xx

Original poster

CatalogueOnVinylFlooring · 19/12/2023 22:26

Thank you all. DH is being wonderful but I've got other family members and friends that are almost expecting me to do performative grief for them. But like PPs have said, I've compartmentalised my brain in order to cope but I worry I've shut off some kind of emotional valve.

OP posts:

Goodlard · 19/12/2023 22:27

There is no right or wrong.....

You're doing fine

If you fall apart in

5 mins
5 days
5 weeks
5 years

That's also fine

Allwelcone · 19/12/2023 22:27

My grief for df was complicated for various reasons but I found meditating, yoga, outdoor walks etc very good for getting to be me and admit how I really felt.*
(*There's no 'right' way to feel btw)

Original poster

CatalogueOnVinylFlooring · 19/12/2023 22:28

PurpleNebula84 · 19/12/2023 22:26

Don't beat yourself up... You will deal with it in your own way... It might be tomorrow, it might be next week or it might be next year... There is no right or wrong and you deal with it how you see fit.
I lost my mum a few months ago... And I'm very similar... Had to hold it together for my dad, still be mum to my daughter.. I started a new job pretty much as it happened, so I've thrown myself into that too. I also had a miscarriage at the same time... None of it has still sunk in if I'm truly honest... I can't even have my own pity party because whenever I try to have my own little cry, I scare the dog senseless, so he snaps me out of it because I feel guilty for upsetting him 🙈🙈
Sorry for your loss - don't gauge yourself on what you think others think you should be doing. I've made my peace with the idea I will deal with it when I have the opportunity and time for it... For now, the grief coat is hung up on the rack in the drying room waiting for me to don it when it's ready and the weather (time) suits the attire xx

I'm so sorry for everything you've been through but thank you, that's such a lovely analogy xx

OP posts:

colourPink · 19/12/2023 22:28

I sympathise with you, OP. I lost my mum in the summer and wrote a similar thread on here worried I wasn't expressing my own grief. Her death was sudden but she was an alcoholic so I didn't expect for her to have a "healthy long life."

You sound very similar to me. I vividly remember holding back tears and being "strong".

All I can say is about 3 months after she passed away the weeks after that (these current weeks) have been HARD. It feels like the rest of my family have done their grieving and are starting to move on and I've only just started. I can't explain it, but one day I thought about her and wanted to cry. And this time I just let it (I was home alone). I've found all those emotions I've been putting off finally surfacing. Difficulty is, no one checks in anymore. My siblings and family have started to move on and my grieving has only just begun.

All I can say (and this is advice I didn't take myself but should have) is give it time. I'm not sure even you relate what a monumental life change has just happened to you. And by time I don't mean days or weeks but months. Your brain is protecting you right now but when you're ready it'll let you slowly start to grieve.

Wishing you all the best. Sorry for your loss OP.

CaveMum · 19/12/2023 22:29

As everyone has already said, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. If you feel up to it, there is an excellent podcast called Griefcast which is a series of interviews with various celebrities talking about the loss of loved ones and the grieving process.

It’s not as depressing as it first sounds, at times it’s very uplifting, but it’s one of those things that you can try if you feel ready to.

growingonmyass · 19/12/2023 22:29

I think there's been lots of these posts and the upshot is - there's no right way.

My dm died of cancer a couple of years ago and although I cried on the day it happened, I haven't really cried since. I've just accepted it I suppose.

Loads of people made comments like "oh it'll hit you like a ton of bricks one day" and suggested I was in some sort of denial, but nothing has hit me yet.