Grief - am I not doing it right?

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DM died three weeks ago after a long and protracted illness (cancer, isn't it always?). I've spent the past year balancing the demands of travel to be with her (four hours each way) with a very full on full time job, young family and being the main liaison for all other family members. It's been exhausting but I've just kept on going. I thought I'd either fall apart after her death or feel relieved but I just feel numb and overwhelmed and....annoyed? I also haven't really cried. When she was diagnosed there was a feeling of "don't fall apart until you know it's cancer, don't fall apart until you know how advanced it is, don't fall apart until you know the treatment hasn't worked" so there's never been a cliff edge of emotion to fall off. And now it's just a gentle declining slope into the quagmire of grief and I know I should go in and submerge myself but I'm avoiding it. I won't discuss her with anyone, I have dived straight back into work full steam and actively stop myself crying even when I'm alone. It's like I don't know how to grieve. Am I going to completely fuck myself up?

Sorry for your loss.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Just take every day as it comes.

when I lost df I worried I wasn’t grieving right. I never had a big collapse moment. But I realised that I had been grieving in my own way. Also forget the idea of stages.

Grief is so strange and haunting.

I'm going through it for the first time too and it comes and goes - goes away for ages sometimes, then comes back with a vengeance. I had a really bad couple of weeks in early Dec when Shane MacGowan died. Somehow it just galvanised my own grief. It was very strong and totally unexpected - took me totally unawares.

Just be prepared and let yourself feel it when it comes.

You've been responsible for a lot so it must be hard to relax it when you've been holding it together for so long.

I grieved "normally" when FiL died, but when Mum and then Dad passed away, I didn't, and at first, like you, I wondered what was wrong with me.
Turns out it's (as you can see from PPs) a less frequent but normal variation. Like, I dunno, red hair. Happens like that sometimes.

A lot of people say it did get expressed eventually, but for me it's been four years now and still no more than a faint mist of sadness. I would have liked to grieve and cry (particularly did not appreciate not being able to cry at their funerals!!) but turns out Ms Want isn't always Ms Get.

I’m so sorry for your loss. There is no right or wrong when it comes to grief. You live through it and experience it in your own way. No one on this planet is the same and no one will experience grief in the same way.

Your brain is an amazing piece of biological engineering and it will hold on to thoughts and feelings and protect you from it until you are ready to deal with it. Grief can wait it will hold.

if you like listening to podcasts there is a fantastic one called Griefcast and it’s funny, sad, informative. It can help you understand what you’re feeling in an unobtrusive way.

if your getting through each day at the moment you are doing amazing. just keep living.

My Dad died three weeks ago, my story is very similar to yours.

I was doing fine, till I watched a TV programme and suddenly remembered that the actor who played one of my fav characters died and I burst into tears over this actor, who I didnt know and never met.

I think thats how my brain works and it will do strange things like this till I can work my way through my Dad's death

Deepest sympathy on the loss of your mother. Grief can take all forms there is no right or wrong way to greive.

My own mum died in September from dementia. I lost mum 3 years ago when she forgot who I was.
Yes I was upset when she died and had a small cry. But I think in my own way had shut down my feelings and releived when she went.

Take your time and look after yourself.

I lost my Dad in January, bastarding liver cancer. I think I'd been running on pure adrenaline for the 6 months previously having been working, looking after him and co-ordinating his care, then suddenly there was all this time on my hands and just horrible apathy. I was fortunate to get bereavement counselling via the hospice Dad had stayed in, and the counsellor was lovely - she said it'll hit you when you're ready to accept it. And it did, several weeks later. Once I started crying, I couldn't stop.

There's no right or wrong way, just your way. It's shit, and it takes a long time to be less shit - but nearly a year on, I'm slowly finding the good memories are coming to the front again.

❤️ to all those experiencing grief, and loss

OP, I was much like you when my DF died 5 years ago. He had a long term, complicated illness. But his death was sudden over a period of a few weeks, starting while we were away on holidays together. It was really traumatic, he was in huge amounts of pain till very close to the end which was just awful.

There definitely was some relief at the point of death - that his suffering, and our witness to it, was over. One of my siblings made it back from the other side of the world with only a couple of hours to spare, so we were also relieved he was there.

I was back at work after a week (Ireland, so funeral was two days after he died). I didn't really cry, I still haven't (I would usually cry a lot). I felt nothing at all for months.

Then I did start to feel grief; I don't think I've really dealt with it (and as a family, none of us have).

I do find I miss intensely the man he was before his illness, and how he & my mum interacted (and counteracted) each other. She's become very difficult since he died.

It's strange, grief. Not only are there no rules, there's no understanding how we might individually feel and when.

I have an excellent counsellor for other matters. I don't talk to her about my dad but I think the other matters we cover probably tap into some of what I'm feeling.

I wouldn't necessarily rush to counselling yet - it's too soon. Give yourself some time first of all.

This is so like my experience Fluffy

There is no right way and it is such early days for you.

My dad died 10 years ago and I had been very involved in supporting him and the family. It puts you in 'doing mood', often compartmentilising feelings, which is hard to snap out of. Keeping yourself busy and throwing yourself into projects is a distraction technique. All are totally valid ways to grieve.

I tended to find there were times when it hit me more - washing up/ driving/ low impact exercise like walking or swimming. Things that can be quite automatic which allowed a sort of deeper processing.

I also did really strange things like taking an interest in engineering ( he was an engineer) and considering retraining, which would have been a disaster!! I'm sure sure whether I was trying to find connection or try and make him proud. Who knows? it was strange. I did travel the world in a 'life is short' style' which I probably wouldn't have done if he hadn't died. It was the bst experience and im do glad i did it, positive things can emerge from grief too.

10 years on I cam still be floored by a song ( piano man Billy joel) or a memory of him.

I get you. I lost my mum just after dc2 was born. I wanted to keep things normal for the kids. I cried the day DM said she wanted to go to the hospice so she could see her grand children. I was fine when she died 2 days later.
That was 12 yrs ago.
My mh tanked about 5 yrs ago. The cause was an off the cuff comment in professional supervision and I've not managed to sort myself out yet.

I know a lot of it is to do with losing my mum, but quite frankly I felt stupid trying to deal with it after 7 years. I feel even more ridiculous considering opening that can of worms as 12 years. And also a bit scared - because that's a LOT of baggage to deal with.

Do what you need to do, when you need to do it. Your journey is unique , but other people will have done similar and you'll not be alone.

There's no 'right' way to grieve op.

My mum died last year. She had cancer (for ages, it was a 'live with' type of incurable) but died very suddenly (and unexpectedly) after complications from chemo. I think I'd done a lot of my grieving in advance - the emotional strain was overwhelming whilst she was going through the uncertainty of diagnosis, treatment plan, hospital visits etc. Then, nothing.

I had Stuff To Do. Deal with the hospital. Deal with the funeral. Deal with the wake. Finances. Legals. House clearance and sale. Manage the kids. Manage my own shit. Manage family politics. I had a bleak moment in the bank where I just completely lost it and ended up in an office as a sobbing, tear-stained mess, but that really was it.

I know that I'm the kind of person who it'll take just one thing to set me off and I'm worried I might not be able to stop, and I've got folk around me to catch me when/if that happens.

So it's not a matter of doing it the right way op. You might get overwhelmed in the weeks/months/years to come. You might not. You've expended a lot of energy just managing everything over the last year - that became your usual mental state - if you try and compare how you are feeling now to how you might have felt before any of this I bet you'll find that you're somewhat 'below par'.

Take it easy. Christmas is likely to be tough.

It sounds like you're going through grief and a bit of relief at the same time, which is normal. Relief that your loved one isn't suffering, and that there is also one less thing for you to constantly worry about. We're going through similar at the moment and it's completely normal. Grief comes and goes. Take care of yourself

My father was ill for a long time. Its been 3 years since he passed and I dont feel ive really grieved. I loved him so much and miss him but I always felt it was the best thing for him. No point in being sad as he wanted to go. I frequently get angry that old people are still alive and active (and miserable) when he was only 72 and a lovely jolly man. I resent that my kids have lost their grandad and my little boy never met him and he didn't know he has a grandson.

Grieving is definitely a personal journey. My mum died nearly a year ago in January. I had colleagues who also lost parents this year. We have all handled things and grieved very differently. I think it’s hard when you have had a caring role for someone with a terminal illness because the death isn’t a shock and you do some pregrieving too.

This year I’ve cried, been stressed, been angry, been numb, been happy but I finally feel that I’m moving into a more positive mindset for the future and I’ve made new plans for 2024.

You're doing fine. I couldn't do the whole performative grieving either.

I shut it away until the funeral & the will and all the practical stuff was sorted. Once the relatives had all gone back to their lives with the impression that I'm a feelingless cold-hearted witch, I quietly came to terms with my loss.

I just needed peace and quiet, and no fuss, to deal with it.

You do whatever you need. xx

There is no right or wrong way to grieve but when your mind or body is telling you to cry you should allow it too. I also think it's OK not to talk about your mum for 3 weeks but by 3 months it's an issue and by 3 years it'll be affecting other relationships. It's like you're trying to control the grief but it's OK to feel (In sure you know that but it's really believing it). You will come through it wiser, stronger, kinder even if that takes time.

I would start with some alone time, maybe looking at some nice photos and allowing a few tears. I think you've blocked them for so long it's a bit like emotional constipation so you need to slowly start letting yourself feel again. It won't necessarily be a rush of emotion but it will allow you to feel, talk about and celebrate your mum in the long term.

Huge hugs to you OP. You've been through so so much and done/ doing so much caring. I hope you have people to take care of you.

I’m so sorry you’ve lost your mum. There’s no schedule for grief and everyone’s grief is as individual as their fingerprints. It’s very soon, three weeks is nothing in the grand scheme of things. Give yourself time, this is purely about you and your grief, nobody else’s opinion matters. 💐

Edited to add that I was devastated when I lost my mum but nobody outside my family would have known it. I didn’t shed a single tear at her funeral.

Please be kind to yourself, there's no right or wrong way to grieve. You've probably been grieving since your mum got her diagnosis. I'm so sorry for your loss, look after yourself.