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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

that I think friends shouldn't exclude stepchildren from gifts

44 replies

webster1987 · 19/12/2023 21:21

I have a DS (2) and 2 DSC (8 and 10).

Every Christmas my two best friends and I exchange Christmas presents for the kids. They have one child each. Before I had my DS, I would buy for their children and without ever asking them too or any expectations, my friends would gift a small token present for my DSC which was always very appreciated as nice for them to feel included.

Since my DS has arrived though, they now only give a gift for him and not DSC.

AIBU for feeling upset by this? It feels like they see my DSC as 'less' than my DS. I've considered that cost might be a factor, however, they are both pregnant with their second so there will be two more children that I will buy for next year and would never dream of not, even if just a token present to show I've thought of them and their sibling.

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 19/12/2023 21:23

If cost is a factor maybe they should stop giving presents

Ohtobetwentytwo · 19/12/2023 21:23

I think its age. People buy for little kids, far less so than older kids.

DragonMama3 · 19/12/2023 21:23

Hello. Cost of living crisis?

Haydenn · 19/12/2023 21:23

so currently you each buy for one child but you want them to buy for three, whilst you buy for one. Even when their other babies come along you’ll still be expecting 3 gifts to each of their 2. I don’t know how you can say cost isn’t the factor.

IgnoranceNotOk · 19/12/2023 21:24

Can you word it to ask if you’re still going to be doing gifts for all the children now there will be two more next year and with you having three already?
see what they say to that as you’re then making it clear you have three and expect if doing presents, they should be giving SC one.

otherwise I would just suggest saying not to do presents.

I’ve always brought a relative’s SS a Xmas present even before she had more children and now she has two more I still always get him something (and I don’t really know him!). It’s not about the adults and their link but if you’re buying for some in the family you get them all.

VisionsOfSplendour · 19/12/2023 21:24

Do the step children live with you?

Ohtobetwentytwo · 19/12/2023 21:25

It's less than a £5 for one little kid. What can you get for 7 and 10 year olds for that price? That isnt sweets and wont be binned in a week?

A lot of people struggle with buying for that age and a lot of people only buy token baby gifts.

FreshStart90 · 19/12/2023 21:25

I agree I don’t think they are trying to be unkind, people have so many presents to buy at this time of year, it really shouldn’t be an issue if they don’t buy a small token gift for the SCs as it’s probably not like the SCs are going to notice with presumably all the other gifts they will receive.

Ireallywantsomechips · 19/12/2023 21:26

You sound like a lovely stepmum and I mean that sincerely 😊

Original poster
webster1987 · 19/12/2023 21:39

Thank you, I appreciate all your comments.

I am very aware there is a cost of living crisis and I really don't want my post to come across like I'm ignoring that as I am acutely aware. I guess it's the fact they aren't seeing them as kids in my family equal to my DS.

For those saying it's completely understandable as there's three of them, do you only pick one child in families with multiple biological children to buy for to keep the cost down...? I can't see anyone doing this!

OP posts:
Original poster
webster1987 · 19/12/2023 21:39

Ireallywantsomechips · 19/12/2023 21:26

You sound like a lovely stepmum and I mean that sincerely 😊

Thank you, that's really kind x

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FortheBeautyoftheEarth · 19/12/2023 21:46

No you are not being unreasonable. If as others argue it's to do with cost, then better to either not any give presents at all or just give you all a tin of chocolates to share or something, rather than just give to one. 8 and 10 is still quite young Imo. Certainly young enough to notice feel that they have been left out.

And with reference to a previous post, whether or not they live with you full time doesn't come into it. They are still a part of your family.

Vettrianofan · 19/12/2023 21:47

It's cost related. I have four DC , DH's brother said a few years ago he can't afford to buy Christmas and birthday presents for ours anymore. He only has two DC.

You can see straightway how unfair that is.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/12/2023 21:48

How often do they see your DSC compared to your child?

kimchio · 19/12/2023 21:49

Just tell them not to give any presents if that's your attitude.

Vettrianofan · 19/12/2023 21:49

We are fine about not exchanging gifts, btw. I take on board why others cannot afford to.

kimchio · 19/12/2023 21:51

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/12/2023 21:48

How often do they see your DSC compared to your child?

Yeah have they ever actually met them? Most my friends haven't met my step kids

Sapphire387 · 19/12/2023 21:51

When they have their babies, just buy the baby a Christmas gift and ignore the older kids.

I'm joking. I think.

It's better to just stop exchanging gifts than to have people leaving kids out. I mean it'd cost a couple of quid to get them some chocolate, you know? If things are that tight for them, it's best to stop the whole thing.

Daisygivemeyouranswerdo · 19/12/2023 21:51

I firmly believe you buy for all children or no children in the family (I buy for all children) x

Onceuponaheartache · 19/12/2023 21:53

I think I would be more on their side if they had never bought for your dac. To start and then stop when your biological child is born is pretty fucking shitty.

One would assume that being best friends means if it was about cost of living they would feel fine to have that conversation. I know I have with mine. She has 3 I have 1. We both have annual passes to a local kids place so we are doing a joint day out and will split the picnic costs 50/50 on the day.

Honestly @webster1987 I think you need to raise it with them, yanbu at all.

My step kids are 20 and 18 now so my friends don't buy for them now as they are adults, but even after their dad and i split 1 of my friends who was close to my dsc still bunged a fiver in a card for birthdays and Christmas.

MaryShelley1818 · 19/12/2023 21:54

YANBU - I met up with my 2 good friends last night. My DS6 is friends with the daughter of 1 and granddaughter of the other (all the same age and see each other often). One of the children has 2 older siblings, the grandaughter has a half sister (unrelated to my friend - so her sons, girlfriends child). I send Christmas gifts for ALL 5 children.

funinthesun19 · 19/12/2023 21:57

Will your SC even know your DS got a present from your friends?

SgtJuneAckland · 19/12/2023 21:58

You buy for none or all IMO, selection boxes are £1.25 in Tesco it's a gesture/a thought that's all that's needed. You absolutely wouldn't buy for one biological child and not the others, it's not like the older two are adults, they are all young children. If you're that strapped you say sorry can't afford to do presents this year

kimchio · 19/12/2023 22:04

funinthesun19 · 19/12/2023 21:57

Will your SC even know your DS got a present from your friends?

Exactly, and will they even care? Some random people they don't really know.

Original poster
webster1987 · 19/12/2023 22:04

That's how I feel, it's not at all about what they buy, even just a tin of chocolates for them all to share or whatever, or just say they can't afford it. I'm confident they would both tell me if that was the case though,

How do I broach this with them? I'm rubbish at this stuff as feels so awkward 😕

For those that have asked, they are with us 50% of the time. Although my friends see my DS more, they have spent time with the DSC, including a weekend away together. They felt it appropriate to buy for them before, maybe because I was buying for theirs, but now I have a bio son, they can just reciprocate by buying for him instead.

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