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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

that I think friends shouldn't exclude stepchildren from gifts

44 replies

webster1987 · 19/12/2023 21:21

I have a DS (2) and 2 DSC (8 and 10).

Every Christmas my two best friends and I exchange Christmas presents for the kids. They have one child each. Before I had my DS, I would buy for their children and without ever asking them too or any expectations, my friends would gift a small token present for my DSC which was always very appreciated as nice for them to feel included.

Since my DS has arrived though, they now only give a gift for him and not DSC.

AIBU for feeling upset by this? It feels like they see my DSC as 'less' than my DS. I've considered that cost might be a factor, however, they are both pregnant with their second so there will be two more children that I will buy for next year and would never dream of not, even if just a token present to show I've thought of them and their sibling.

OP posts:

Original poster

webster1987 · 19/12/2023 22:05

@kimchio and do you know that they don't know my step children? Assumptions aren't any use here

OP posts:

Original poster

webster1987 · 19/12/2023 22:07

Onceuponaheartache · 19/12/2023 21:53

I think I would be more on their side if they had never bought for your dac. To start and then stop when your biological child is born is pretty fucking shitty.

One would assume that being best friends means if it was about cost of living they would feel fine to have that conversation. I know I have with mine. She has 3 I have 1. We both have annual passes to a local kids place so we are doing a joint day out and will split the picnic costs 50/50 on the day.

Honestly @webster1987 I think you need to raise it with them, yanbu at all.

My step kids are 20 and 18 now so my friends don't buy for them now as they are adults, but even after their dad and i split 1 of my friends who was close to my dsc still bunged a fiver in a card for birthdays and Christmas.

Thank you. How would you raise it? I'm really struggling to work out how best to do it (or do it at all) 😔

OP posts:

EvilElsa · 19/12/2023 22:08

Just stop exchanging the gifts after this year and go out and do something together as a treat instead. You can all go along equally and watch a panto or go to a lights display or something. Much more satisfying than a £10 gift on top of multiple gifts they will be getting anyway!

HardcoreLadyType · 19/12/2023 22:09

Ohtobetwentytwo · 19/12/2023 21:23

I think its age. People buy for little kids, far less so than older kids.

8 and 10 are hardly “older kids”!

roarrfeckingroar · 19/12/2023 22:10

I think it's weird that they bought for SC previously but now don't.

If my best friends split from their husbands and had a new partner who had kids, I don't know if I would buy for them.

DinkyDonkey2018 · 19/12/2023 22:16

What a crappy thing to do. It's the fact they've suddenly stopped, including the other kids that would put my nose out of joint.

I'd probably say something like, "Hey, if we are doing gifts for the kids this year, can I just ask for X that all 3 kids can share? It's a bit awkward when only Daniel gets something, and given the cost of everything right now, a joint gift would work well for us. Hope that's OK and looking forward to seeing you soon. "

You can then do the same for their kids, too, if you wanted?

Onceuponaheartache · 19/12/2023 22:18

webster1987 · 19/12/2023 22:07

Thank you. How would you raise it? I'm really struggling to work out how best to do it (or do it at all) 😔

Show quote history

Epends how close you all are.

You could go with possibly play dumb with something along the lines of "ohh ds's pressie was in that bag but nothing for dsc, just wanted to check that was right as you have always bought for them before"

Or be honest, and says "hey friends, is there an issue, just innitice that dsc haven't been included this year?"

Original poster

webster1987 · 19/12/2023 22:19

DinkyDonkey2018 · 19/12/2023 22:16

What a crappy thing to do. It's the fact they've suddenly stopped, including the other kids that would put my nose out of joint.

You can then do the same for their kids, too, if you wanted?

Great idea, thank you so much, really appreciate it

OP posts:

Scarletttulips · 19/12/2023 22:24

Do the SC mothers’ friends buy for your child?

Original poster

webster1987 · 19/12/2023 22:28

Scarletttulips · 19/12/2023 22:24

Do the SC mothers’ friends buy for your child?

Eh?!

OP posts:

Original poster

webster1987 · 19/12/2023 22:29

Scarletttulips · 19/12/2023 22:24

Do the SC mothers’ friends buy for your child?

How is that in anyway a comparable scenario?

OP posts:

Newuser75 · 19/12/2023 22:37

I think it's odd that they have just stopped buying for them.

Maybe word it something like this when the babies are here. "Hey, I'm wondering now that we all have multiple children and with the cost of living etc should we just get something for each families children to share? I know my child and step kids would appreciate a box of chocolates /little board game or whatever".

Namerequired · 19/12/2023 22:39

My close friend has a child the same age as mine and we spend a fair bit of time together. I also have older children who she doesn’t spend much time with as we tend to do softplay etc with the younger and the others are too old for. She just buys my youngest. I’m absolutely fine with that. She doesn’t give it in front of my older ones. She always asks after the others, and shows care and concern for them. She did mention once or twice about buying them all and I told her not to be daft. Tbh we do it more as from the kids to their friends anyway. My older kids have never questioned it. They have recieved presents from school friends etc that my youngest wouldn’t too.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 19/12/2023 22:43

The fact they’ve stopped buying for them now you have a biological child would make me very uncomfortable too.

I would be tempted to suggest you stop buying for each others children. Make the point your house has three and theirs one so that’s unfair so you’re stopping.

it makes the point without demanding they buy something for your DSC.

MumChp · 19/12/2023 22:55

For a family and 3-4 children we often give a family gift not 3-4 gifts.A board game or similar.
Cost is a thing in 2023.

We have cut down on presents. The children don't need presents from everyone they know. Maybe you could do the same.

theduchessofspork · 19/12/2023 23:02

Well who knows, but I think PP’s suggestion of asking for something they can share - so they are being treated equally - is a great way to be clear but not grabby.

Star stepmum BTW

Notchangingnameagain · 19/12/2023 23:04

Personally, I don’t like that.

My sister’s now ex partner had 4 children.

My sister had none.

My other sister has two children.

I spent the same on all 6 children. Every Christmas and every Birthday.

There was absolutely no way, I’d hand over gifts, if I didn’t have gifts for all of them and to the same value.

I admit though, when they split up, I did think how much money I would save.

5128gap · 19/12/2023 23:14

The advice to request a joint gift is the best OP and I can't add to that. However I did want to say how refreshing it is to read of a step mum so thoughtful of her SC feelings and who wants them treated fairly. Those DC are very lucky their father married you.

Chipsahoyagain · 19/12/2023 23:41

webster1987 · 19/12/2023 22:04

That's how I feel, it's not at all about what they buy, even just a tin of chocolates for them all to share or whatever, or just say they can't afford it. I'm confident they would both tell me if that was the case though,

How do I broach this with them? I'm rubbish at this stuff as feels so awkward 😕

For those that have asked, they are with us 50% of the time. Although my friends see my DS more, they have spent time with the DSC, including a weekend away together. They felt it appropriate to buy for them before, maybe because I was buying for theirs, but now I have a bio son, they can just reciprocate by buying for him instead.

How do you broach this? You don't. There's no way that you can ever ask someone to buy a gift regardless of your reason. I have a close relative who has married someone with 4 kids, we saw them almost as much as we saw the bio ones. There's no way I'm buying 4 additional presents. And giving a token gift of something is even worse - clearly 'others' them more so.
Please don't put your friends in this position- it's crass and wrong.

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