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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not allowing in-laws on Christmas Day

45 replies

Sdux39 · 19/12/2023 18:30

There’s a real backstory to this, which includes my FIL being a complete bully, narcissist and generally really unpleasant. He does this to everyone but to me in particular, when I am around. Over the last couple of years I’ve really cut back my contact with him; my DH takes our DS (3) to see FIL and stepMIL whenever I’m conveniently working so that I don’t have to come. When I do see them, I’m pleasant and basically wait on them hand and foot but I find it really hard.

After relocating from London to the south east, for the first time this year we have a lovely house to host Christmas in (as opposed to a 2 bed flat). We asked my parents and FIL (+stepMIL) if they would like to come for Christmas Day. I’m really close to my parents and they live a 6 minute drive from us, PIL about a 30 minute drive. My parents were delighted and are super excited. PIL said no and that they already had plans with DH’s aunt.

FIL then goes away for a month on holiday through November and now he’s back he’s putting huge pressure to be able to come to our house on the way to DH’s aunt on Christmas morning. It will disrupt our morning as, instead of it being about there magic of Santa for my DS (who understands properly for the first time this year), we’ll have to stop our festivities to wait on them hand and foot and FIL will be unpleasant the whole time.

I’m keeping quiet and letting my DH decide what to do, as I want to respect him and remain a “team”. Inside, though, I’m really frustrated! FIL behaves like a complete arse all year and causes so much upset and then gets to swan in on Christmas morning and ruin my day! DH and I both work full time in senior positions. We’re exhausted from the general grind of the end of the year but also excited for some much needed family time.

AIBU or is it cruel to say no to seeing them on Christmas Day?

OP posts:
Spirallingdownwards · 19/12/2023 18:35

Why do you have to stop what you are doing and wait on them hand and foot though, you don't. You carry on with what you are doing with DS and Dh makes them a cuppa/offers them a sherry and you carry on doing what you would be doing anyway. Then they go on their way. If you have stuff to do in the kitchen for lunch you carry on doing it as though they weren't there too.

BettyBakesCakes · 19/12/2023 18:35

You invited them for Christmas Day and are now complaining they want to come on Christmas Day?

WhatsInStoreFor2024 · 19/12/2023 18:37

The 'magic of Santa' lasts about 2 mins then they are off to play with the new influx of tat!

Noshowlomo · 19/12/2023 18:37

This is difficult. If your DH says yes can you make it clear he’ll be the one running around after them. And make it clear to them that you’re having a relaxed morning watching your child open their presents, probably still be in your pjs

LifeIsGreatForUnicorns · 19/12/2023 18:37

I know exactly how you are feeling but think I would say - “yes pop in at 1100 in your way to auntie x house” - basically give an hours window only … then I would welcome them in, make them a cuppa and then go have a shower and get myself ready for your parents arriving later in the day.

it’s really not easy- thankfully he’s not staying all day!

Original poster
Sdux39 · 19/12/2023 18:38

DH is the cook in our house and so makes Christmas lunch! I don’t mind making cups of tea etc. it’s the bullying, and mean remarks that he won’t be able to keep at bay that I mind… I’m not keen on feeling like 💩 on Christmas morning, especially when they turned down the invitation of lunch (with lots more people so I could keep away from them). It’s like he wants everything his way and it irritates me, as he’s so awful.

OP posts:
cheddercherry · 19/12/2023 18:42

Either make yourself scarce at home, busy yourself in another room, go for a walk even and leave them to your DH to deal with for an hour or say since he had said they weren’t coming you’ve made plans with your parents and unfortunately you can no longer host them.

You could simply say you’ve changed your plans since asking them or say you’re out for a walk, visiting somewhere or off to the moon for all they care but basically just say no if it’s going to be that awful. Surely if he’s horrid to you, your husband at the very least and your child will notice so that will sour the day for all of you? Surely you can have an honest conversation with your husband and he backs you up if his dad is actually insulting you to your faces?! Why on earth would he even want him visiting on Xmas morning knowing he’s an utter arse to his wife.

xyz111 · 19/12/2023 18:42

When he has said hurtful things in the past, what is the outcome? Does DH make him apologise? Does he get thrown out the house? If the answer is no, then it needs to start!

Zoreos · 19/12/2023 18:42

YABU to sit back and let this happen to your Christmas. He declined your invitation, he doesn’t get to take it back now especially this close to Christmas partly or otherwise and that would be my final decision. It’s down to your husband to deal with his unreasonable parent OR he can wait on him hand and foot whilst he’s there if you really don’t want to push back at him coming. Nobody who didn’t respect me properly would set one foot in my house Christmas or otherwise.

Original poster
Sdux39 · 19/12/2023 18:43

BettyBakesCakes · 19/12/2023 18:35

You invited them for Christmas Day and are now complaining they want to come on Christmas Day?

No. If they had accepted the invite for lunch then it really wouldn’t have had a different impact. We’re already cooking for 8, so 2 more is fine and we could all sit and enjoy the festivities (me as far away from FIL as possible).

I’m annoyed that they flippantly turned the invitation down, now seem to regret it and want to disrupt the time of the day just me, DH and DS.

Also, in a bigger group I could avoid him subtly and so not have to be the but of his cruel jokes or mean comments.

FIL has complete form for everything having to be his way or no way.

OP posts:
Olika · 19/12/2023 18:47

Personally I wouldn't be keeping quiet. I would tell my DH what I prefer and why and then he can make the decision. And if they end up coming, treat it as they are just stopping by. Don't go to extra measures for them but concentrate on enjoying the Xmas. Your DH can serve them and entertain them.

Ponderingwindow · 19/12/2023 18:47

we only do our household for Christmas morning. Meeting up with the rest of the family, even if we are hosting is for later in the day.

. I wouldn’t let them make a stopover just because it was convenient.

Original poster
Sdux39 · 19/12/2023 18:48

xyz111 · 19/12/2023 18:42

When he has said hurtful things in the past, what is the outcome? Does DH make him apologise? Does he get thrown out the house? If the answer is no, then it needs to start!

They have a very complicated relationship. FIL had a long lasting affair and was thrown out my MIL when DH was 12. He then moved straight in with now stepMIL (other woman) whilst MIL had a complete mental breakdown. It was really hard for my DH and he’s had therapy about it since being an adult.

DH is very supportive of me in all respects but does not seem to be able to stand up to his dad 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
DinaofCloud9 · 19/12/2023 18:51

What type of comments does he make to you?

Lilibert456 · 19/12/2023 18:53

If DH can't stand up to his father then you can. Swiftly put him back in his box. If he doesn't like it then show him the door.

CactusPat · 19/12/2023 18:54

‘Sorry, FIL/Dad, we’re available from 2pm, as per our original suggestion. Thanks so much for thinking of us though! See you in the New Year!’

coldcallerbaiter · 19/12/2023 18:55

What mean remarks? He would do this in front of children?

Sequinne · 19/12/2023 18:57

What @CactusPat said.

Don’t give him another option.
It really is as simple as that.

GreatGateauxsby · 19/12/2023 18:58

if my DH was keen I’d let them

your son will be up at the first sparrows fart so presents will all be done by 8am he’ll be playing away.

put out some mince pies /croissants / something with no prep and have a pot of coffee and tea on the go. Leave out mugs and the milk

be VERY engrossed in playing with the toys with DS

Honeyroar · 19/12/2023 18:59

I think you’ll be able to use the excitement of Christmas and your little boy as an excuse not to chat with him and to ignore everything he says! Make sure there are loud presents for opening while he’s here! And if he does get grumpy/snippy tell him you think it’s time he got on his way to the aunts. Tell him no grinches allowed.

GreyBlackLove · 19/12/2023 19:00

I dont think being a team means keeping quiet and letting your partner decide, it should mean telling him your concerns, what you want and listening to him in turn so you can come to a decision together.

I dont understand why you are putting up with unkind comments at all? What are you doing when he does this? What does your DH do when he does this?

Justmuddlingalong · 19/12/2023 19:01

If he starts his shit, simply announce it's time he was leaving, you're sure his sister is desperate to see him.
Remember he is in your home, and everyone else that'll be there loves you and will support you in your decision to nip his behaviour in the bud.

Original poster
Sdux39 · 19/12/2023 19:08

Thank you for all of the advice!

I met my husband (and so FIL) when I was 22 and I’ve never really liked conflict. I suppose with naivety I just accepted that he was a “big character” and didn’t push back on his behaviour or comments; I just sat quietly then got upset afterwards when we weren’t with them.

DS was a real lockdown baby and things were very bad between DH and FIL after he was born. They didn’t speak for 5 months (DH choice). Things were a bit better when they began speaking again but have just gone back to the same old ways particulate recently.

Now, as I said, I just limit my time around him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sdux39 · 19/12/2023 19:25

One more thing to add (as I’m clearly over thinking all of this) is that, as we thought we weren’t seeing them on Christmas Day, we arranged a meal out on the 22nd with DSIL and her family along with FIL and stepMIL so it’s not like we’re not seeing them at all over Christmas!

DSIL can’t stand him for much the same reasons as me, but we agreed that this would tick a Christmas box of seeing him and his wife and we could sit together and catch up (live far apart) at the other end of the table 😂

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 19/12/2023 19:36

Just say that you’re not having visitors until X time so they won’t be able to call in as they’re heading off to auntie’s.