AIBU not allowing in-laws on Christmas Day

[Sdux39]

There’s a real backstory to this, which includes my FIL being a complete bully, narcissist and generally really unpleasant. He does this to everyone but to me in particular, when I am around. Over the last couple of years I’ve really cut back my contact with him; my DH takes our DS (3) to see FIL and stepMIL whenever I’m conveniently working so that I don’t have to come. When I do see them, I’m pleasant and basically wait on them hand and foot but I find it really hard.

After relocating from London to the south east, for the first time this year we have a lovely house to host Christmas in (as opposed to a 2 bed flat). We asked my parents and FIL (+stepMIL) if they would like to come for Christmas Day. I’m really close to my parents and they live a 6 minute drive from us, PIL about a 30 minute drive. My parents were delighted and are super excited. PIL said no and that they already had plans with DH’s aunt.

FIL then goes away for a month on holiday through November and now he’s back he’s putting huge pressure to be able to come to our house on the way to DH’s aunt on Christmas morning. It will disrupt our morning as, instead of it being about there magic of Santa for my DS (who understands properly for the first time this year), we’ll have to stop our festivities to wait on them hand and foot and FIL will be unpleasant the whole time.

I’m keeping quiet and letting my DH decide what to do, as I want to respect him and remain a “team”. Inside, though, I’m really frustrated! FIL behaves like a complete arse all year and causes so much upset and then gets to swan in on Christmas morning and ruin my day! DH and I both work full time in senior positions. We’re exhausted from the general grind of the end of the year but also excited for some much needed family time.

AIBU or is it cruel to say no to seeing them on Christmas Day?

Just message back sorry doesn't work for us..busy in the morning... Take ds out for a walk, which is worth a shot anyway when you think they'll turn up .... Dh can carry on cooking and deal with them if they do turn up..

Do you know what time they are expected at the aunt’s?

Bright and breezy ‘it would be lovely if you can pop in..any time after “Aunt’s Time minus 30 mins “ would be great! Give us time to shower, get the kids ready etc “

Surely it’s a brew and a mince pie or some Christmas biscuits. Don’t offer anything else. Don’t see the huge problem

I don’t even need to read the posts or thread to know YANBU! It’s absolutely fine to want Christmas Day to yourselves and not with your in-laws. As long as you’re not actively excluding them (ie; this year we want just us four for Christmas Day) and not inviting anyone else (like your family) around, you’re all good!
I refuse to host anyone but my husband and kids for Christmas Day, have done since we bought our house and never ever made a better decision.

^ This!

Just say no and feel great about it. It's not just the visit itself, it's the stress of knowing it's coming and dreading what barbs he'll be throwing, then the being pissed off afterwards that you didn't just say no in the first place because you knew exactly what he was going to be like...

"We've made plans now so that won't work for us, but we'll see you on the 22nd." Done. If further questions ensue, all you have to reply is "I've already told you it won't work, why are you interrogating me?"

Or just an idea..you and dh could stop letting this man ruin your life by telling him to keep his nasty mouth closed or sod off and come back. You are adults and parents sort this man out and live your life doing what you want to, You never know it could be the best ever christmas gift you and your husband give each other to get rid of him,

I just don’t get this kind of dynamic. Your FIL is a horrible person. No way of dressing it up.

I’d not have him in my home or around my children ever and if my husband want to he’d have to see him without support from me.

Just say no it does not suit as that is your only time your little family has for Santa and as you are seeing them for dinner on 22nd can catch up then.

Do not let him dictate your Christmas morning and make a stand.
He sounds like a horrible loud mouth bully and he has caused so much grief and pain to your husband in his life when he was a child and for this reason just text him and say No not a good time, see you 22nd. Have plans for Christmas morning. Do not let him bully you into this as you will regret it as he will have set the tone for the rest of your day and maybe that is what he has in store for you.

Where is DH mum now. He treated her awful and do not think I could forgive my father if he treated my mum so bad.

Get your husband to tell them no they can't come on Christmas morning as it will disrupt your plans with DC. Offer an alternative time to visit if you feel you must. Keep repeating this in the face of any persuasion or arguments from FiL. What's the worst that can happen? You'll upset him and he'll be rude and nasty to you? No change there then!

Go out to church. They'll not want to come to that

We used to see my toxic paternal Grandmother on boxing day because then she couldn't ruin Christmas. Definitely say no to Christmas day visit and get your Dh to look into FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) as a response to his Dad.

Think about how if FIL says things to your face, what he says about you behind your back to your Dh and your child and think about what that teaches your child long term. As a child of this sort of shit from a Grandparent it makes you dislike your parents for exposing you to that and it doesn't matter if someone is a blood relative, if they are nasty and mean why tolerate that? You wouldn't want your child to be friends with another child who called him names and was mean about him, how can you set that example if he visits his Grandad who calls his Mum names?

Have a lovely Christmas without your FIL on Christmas day.

DH should be telling FIL to bugger off, what person would allow this (the unkind comments, rudeness) to happen ever let alone Christmas Day in front of their children and aimed toward their wife? Unacceptable. Dad needs to be told to pipe down or piss off

I suggest you say you will be too busy cooking to host at that time - or won’t FC be wanting to go out on his new bike/scooter/fly his kite……?

It's Christmas morning, why would you wait in them hand and foot. Just say hi, help yourselves to a cuppa...

Just message back we would have loved to have you for lunch but won’t be free in the morning with prep and Santa and a morning walk for the little ones. We look forward to seeing you on the 22nd!

just say no. You invited them, they refused. Now they are inviting themselves, you refuse.

Where is MIL?

If you do decide to be assertive and say no (which you should) then be prepared for him to just turn up as he pleases anyway. He sounds like the type to hate being told no. Lock the door and don’t answer if anyone knocks!!

Forget DH standing up for you. Why do you let him speak to you the way he does? Put his comments back to him, ask him why he said xyz or what exactly does he mean. Stand up for yourself.

My MIL was a constant put-downer. DH and FIL were both afraid of her.

One weekend, DH and I were helping PIL move home (literally moving furniture in a van, not just packing into boxes - she was also very mean) so I was in no mood for her nastiness.

She said something rude to DH; I think it was a negative comment about his weight. I just said “wow, that’s rude!” She was so taken aback. She wasn’t used to being challenged.

Perhaps try calling him out, each time. If he says it was a joke, snort or roll your eyes (or lift one eyebrow if you can do that!)

As for Christmas morning, limit their time, as others have suggested. Say any time from 11:30 onwards. Unless your DH is prepared to say no.