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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex’s family ignoring child

29 replies

Getoutanddrive · 19/12/2023 16:20

AIBU

Ok be gentle as you can ladies (and gents)

Got out of a very abusive marriage last year and my god it’s been a horrific rollercoaster since the ex left.

Long story short, ex cannot see our child due to abuse and hasn’t seen them in nearly a year.

On my child’s birthday, my ex and his beloved family (mum, sister, brother, etc) got nothing for our child. Obviously when we were together they would go crazy over our child and buy them anything and everything so I was shocked they sent nothing.

I’m on the breadline (they all know that) and even though my ex talks the talk of being a ‘fantastic father’ he provides the bare minimum and doesn’t ever see if our child needs anything (our child has a medical condition and never checked on that either). Like most single parents I can’t provide everything for my child and so they unknowingly go without a lot of the time. The food bank help, along with over charities.

There was a head to head after our child’s birthday where exs wonderful mother and him tried to take my child off me in public. I called them out on a number of things including, not getting our child anything for their birthday.

Queue Christmas being next week and my child has received two small gifts from their aunt and Nan on my exs side.

Great they’ve finally sent something but it’s quite literally the bare minimum, one of the presents doesn’t even fit as it’s a clothing item.

I’m so f**king annoyed that they’re taking their stuff out on my child. I don’t care if they don’t like me but why do they do this to my child? I probably sound so ungrateful but not once have any of them checked to see if our kid needs anything (which my god they do! Why do they grow out of clothes and shoes so quickly?!!)

I have proof of severe abuse from ex and I understand that his family are going to side with him but why punish our child?! They’ve done nothing.

It’s as if my child doesn’t exist anymore to them.

OP posts:

Mum2Fergus · 19/12/2023 16:22

I'd say YANBU however there is very little you can do about other peoples choices I'm afraid.

Original poster

Getoutanddrive · 19/12/2023 16:27

@Mum2Fergus I totally agree! I can only control how I react I guess but i just need to vent really.

OP posts:

gotomomo · 19/12/2023 16:33

Gifts from others are welcomed but they don't have to. Are you still in contact with them, can they see your child? If the answer is no then I suspect they are partly protecting themselves because they feel hurt to be cut off.

My other thought is whether they accept there was abuse? It's not always that cut and dry in people's minds.

I think you need to move on basically, don't expect them to be part of your dc's life if their father isn't

Lalalanding · 19/12/2023 16:41

The hardest thing to realise ever is that life can be exceptionally unfair and often you are best off leaving toxic situations behind you for your own mental wellbeing.

Granthams · 19/12/2023 16:49

I’m guessing from their perspective you are unfairly withholding access? They may be buying presents to give later via your ex.

Is his abuse and no right to contact something that’s gone through the courts?

Original poster

Getoutanddrive · 19/12/2023 16:50

@Lalalanding You’re right. I guess I feel so much injustice for my child.

OP posts:

Original poster

Getoutanddrive · 19/12/2023 16:52

@Granthams Maybe they feel that way but the evidence is there, police reports, photos, texts, court orders, all of which I know they’ve been privy to and shows the extent of the abuse. There isn’t a doubt in my mind that they know what he’s done, they just don’t care.

OP posts:

zingally · 19/12/2023 16:56

I think I'd chalk this one up to the cost of being away from such scummy people.

In the grand scheme of things, it sounds like your DC would be better off being no-contact with them, and if that means no gifts... shrug.

Theunamedcat · 19/12/2023 16:57

Get used to it unfortunately

granny number 1 tried to hang on in there but eventually dropped her grandchild in favor of his new children
Granny number two quit even dropping off Christmas cards to her grandchildren she dotes on exes stepdaughter though which reinforces my sons paranoia that she dislikes him because he is a boy (he is probably right tbh her reasons for begging him not to get a vasectomy while we were still together was in case he met someone else and they could have a girl)

Don't rely on someone else's family to support you they won't they will protect their own

Granthams · 19/12/2023 16:58

Would you be open to your child spending time with your ex’s family without you being present? It depends on how old they are and what the relationship was before I suppose. I wouldn’t expect presents to be sent from people you’re not allowing to see the child, tbh. I appreciate it’s hard for you as a single parent though.

Leeds2 · 19/12/2023 17:00

Do the extended family (ie not the father) see your child? If not, would you allow them to if they wanted to and, say, any meetings were monitored?

PostmansKnock · 19/12/2023 17:03

I think that you just have to accept that presents are not going to be something that happens from your ex's side of the family. I would go as far as saying it's practically normal. Men do fade out of their children's lives regularly.

And think of all those men whose wives do all the birthday cards and stuff for their husband's family.

ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy · 19/12/2023 17:14

Why do you want the mil anywhere near your kid? She raised the shitshow of your ex, be glad they want nothing to do with you's.

BeeCucumber · 19/12/2023 17:17

Why do you anything to do with his family? Why would you want your child anywhere near a family that raised an abuser?

kimchio · 19/12/2023 17:18

It's probably best your child has nothing to do with them?

momonpurpose · 19/12/2023 17:19

Getoutanddrive · 19/12/2023 16:27

@Mum2Fergus I totally agree! I can only control how I react I guess but i just need to vent really.

Edited

From a mom in the same boat vent away. It's despicable. My daughter was a victim of DV and her fathers family said either pretend it didn't happen(at her 10th birthday) or they wouldn't speak to her. She's 13 now and it breaks her heart that the know it's true and cut her off anyway

RobertaFirmino · 19/12/2023 17:22

Can't really say what hasn't already been said. You and DC are much better off having no contact at all.

Stressfordays · 19/12/2023 17:22

As someone who has been through this, I feel for you. The frustration and anger is so hard to deal with. However, I'm in my 5th year of doing it all alone and the resentment has passed. It will for you too. Stand firm, your dc does not need them in their life.

MintJulia · 19/12/2023 17:29

I agree with @zingally Why would you want your child to be in contact with, or in any way beholden to such horrible people?

I think I'd be glad that they had no involvement whatsoever, and go and build a new life for you and your child, as far away from them as possible. The world is full of nice decent people. There is no reason to mantain contact with your ex or his family. He's forfeit that priviledge.

StarSublime · 19/12/2023 17:35

I would be a bit careful what you wish for. If they were sending a pile of gifts they could well believe this should "earn" them more access rights. It would be much harder to say no if they were doing all the right things.

If your child is now safe and secure when they weren't before, then that beats every Christmas present in the world.

coolkatt · 19/12/2023 17:48

don't accept any gifts at all.
don't let them disrespect your kid like that.
if they want to give presents they can keep them at their own homes for a
time they get to see your child.
keep getting support to help you out, there is absolutely no shame in using charities to help you provide.
when your child gets older and realises the level of crap stuff the family are giving him it will effect his self worth to think is that all he/she is worth to them? don't allow this.

2jacqi · 19/12/2023 17:49

@Getoutanddrive dont inform them when or where the next party is for a start. if he wants to see child then its a contact centre only. do not speak or contact him or his mother, she has no rights anyway. if you can, move house and dont tell him where. as long as contact centre is happening that is all he needs to know,

Winnipeggy · 19/12/2023 17:51

I know it's hard but it sounds like this relationship is done. Do you actually want them in your child's life? It doesn't sound healthy. If it's just about presents then you just need to let it go, you can't control them and your child is better off just with your unconditional love than this toxic relationship with his family.

coolkatt · 19/12/2023 17:51

for example. my aunt gives my child £10 at xmas every year. (not dissing this, it's a present). however my real blood niece my daughters cousin gets £50. every single year. 5 years difference in age.
my daughter and i always give my aunts £10 to animal chairity. it's so duxking disrespectful.

Jagley · 19/12/2023 18:22

It happens a lot and I have no idea why. My ex abused both myself and DS. Exs family have stuck my him and seem to have forgotten about my son. Good riddance to them.

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