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AIBU?

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Original poster

Made manager cry - was I being unreasonable?

63 replies

Coastalwalks · 19/12/2023 15:32

Hi ladies,

Long post so apols ! I am changing careers, and whilst studying I work every other Sunday in a relatively up-market restaurant. I am on a zero hours contract. Managers are all notoriously brusque and rude, and as a result they have very high staff turnover. I am not perfect (waitressing is much harder than my previous job in FS lolllllll) but a perfectly competent waitress. When I first started a couple of months ago the manager was consistently incredibly tough and often rude with me, but this has eased off a bit.

There is pressure from the owners to cut staffing costs. I usually work from 10-16:30. At about 1pm, one of the regular girls came over to me and my colleague and said '(Manager) said that one of you can go home, so decide amongst yourselves who is leaving.' My other colleague (who does not usually work that shift) was due to work a double, and so the manager effectively put us in the awkward situation where I would either have to accept going home after three hours (I live relatively nearby) or be really unreasonable by saying to my colleague who lives an hour away that she'd have to take a five hour (!) unpaid break between shifts.

I spoke to the manager about this with my colleague, and we both essentially said that we thought she was being unreasonable in making us decide amongst ourselves, and that she was effectively asking us to decide who had to forego pay, not reasonable to give us a sense of advance notice, etc... She then started crying about how horrible it is to "have to be the bad guy" and stormed off. I cannot stress how rude and brusque this woman usually is, so was really shocked. I did not have a rude tone, and was calm and measured in all I said.

I later texted her to say that I appreciate that she is in an awkward position and that I hoped that she was alright. She has not responded. My colleague who remained on the shift flagged that she has made multiple people cry and is often rude and disrespectful. But I still feel bad. Her job is obviously stressful and means a lot to her, whereas it's just a temporary thing for me. But I don't think I was unreasonable in just standing my ground.

I put up with the rudeness because I would like to work there full time next summer between finishing studying and starting my new job in the Autumn.

WIBU?

OP posts:
ns87 · 19/12/2023 15:37

YANBU - its her job to manage shifts

Brefugee · 19/12/2023 15:39

she has learned a valuable lesson in management and decision making.

But anyone who causes someone to cry at work is UR

Carsarelife · 19/12/2023 15:40

You did nothing wrong. She's trying to pass the buck onto you both to battle it out which is awkward for both of you. She is shirking her responsibilities. As for her crying it's probably just Christmas stress and isn't necessarily related to you at all and what you did or said

Dotjones · 19/12/2023 15:40

YANBU, she's crying as a way to manipulate you.

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 19/12/2023 15:41

Brefugee · 19/12/2023 15:39

she has learned a valuable lesson in management and decision making.

But anyone who causes someone to cry at work is UR

I'd have agreed with this a few years ago but have seem several instances of crocodile tears in the workplace in recent years

Sweethearte · 19/12/2023 15:42

She is likely under a lot of stress and that whole rude facade she feels she needs to survive has finally crumbled. Its not you, its the whole picture. Watch 'boiling point'!

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 19/12/2023 15:43

She sounds like an ineffectual manager. It’s her job to manage and that includes sorting the shifts. It’s a reflection on her.

SoIRejoined · 19/12/2023 15:44

Yanbu, and I would argue your employer has a contract with you if theyve asked you to make yourself available for 5 hours. It's not fair to cancel the shift half way through.

Original poster
Coastalwalks · 19/12/2023 15:50

@Sweethearte I have seen it, great film! I appreciate that hospitality is a really hard job, and she is also away from her home country and family, which is probably horrible. That's why I normally try and take it on the chin. But I found it really weird. I have exams in January so will decline any shifts, and daresay I will likely get let go as a result, but that's life !

OP posts:
Riverstep · 19/12/2023 15:50

Sounds as though she is feeling the pressure but tbh is an ineffective manager. She should have decided which staff member was leaving early if they didn’t require all the staff they had on duty. It’s not for people to decide amongst themselves. I would have sent home the person on a zero hours contract, not the regular staff member who would then have had to come back hours later.

CharlotteBog · 19/12/2023 15:51

I really hope that the crying was due to her being overwhelmed with everything (not that I wish that upon anyone) rather than a direct reaction to what you said. Her job as manager is to make decisions, some of which will be hard.

I hope she apologises to you.

weirdoboelady · 19/12/2023 15:54

The whole management model is totally UR. Getting people in to work (with associated travel costs) and then sending them home without providing pay for a full shift - my blood boils!

Mariposistaa · 19/12/2023 15:58

Massively OTT hormonal response and not at all professional

DropDeadFreida · 19/12/2023 15:59

Urgh I have had enough of managers who seem to be utterly incapable of actually managing. She is paid more than you specifically to have the awkward conversations, make difficult decisions and at times, be the bad guy!

If she doesn't want to do any of the above then she is failing at her job.

AngelAurora · 19/12/2023 16:02

She is the manager, you were asked to do something. It is not your job to question her.

Why between you could you not just get on and do what I was asked?

You are in the wrong.

Original poster
Coastalwalks · 19/12/2023 16:04

What I find weird is that she is normally sooooo rude and confrontational... she has previously sat me down after shifts (when I am no longer on the clock!) and accused me of 'running away' from the dinner shifts, not being a good waitress, etc etc. She has been genuinely very unprofessional with me personally on a number of occasions. I think she thinks I am 'jumped up'.

I feel bad for all the other people who work there full-time on zero hours contracts - I don't see how you're supposed to live with that level of instability and uncertainty... having to potentially suck up to your manager so you get more shifts etc... really hope the next govt ban these contracts.

OP posts:
Original poster
Coastalwalks · 19/12/2023 16:05

@AngelAurora put your specs on, she effectively left my colleague and I to decide who would forego wages, and didn't even have the decency to communicate directly... that's poor management

OP posts:
Gnomegnomegnome · 19/12/2023 16:09

AngelAurora · 19/12/2023 16:02

She is the manager, you were asked to do something. It is not your job to question her.

Why between you could you not just get on and do what I was asked?

You are in the wrong.

It’s good to question things though!

The manager could have managed the situation by making a decision herself. The manager is being paid to make these kind of decisions, the op and her colleague are not.

Doingmybest12 · 19/12/2023 16:10

It sounds all a bit rubbish for all. Ideally no one needs to cry at work either genuinely or to manipulate.
The manager is having to execute a plan that is really hard on staff when this isn't her decision.
She passed the buck to ask a middle person to ask you to sort it between you.
If she'd approached you directly really I can see it might work for you to agree with colleague the best way forward if there is no power imbalance and you are both reasonable. But she is the manager at the end of the day.

Saschka · 19/12/2023 16:16

AngelAurora · 19/12/2023 16:02

She is the manager, you were asked to do something. It is not your job to question her.

Why between you could you not just get on and do what I was asked?

You are in the wrong.

Serfs, know your place and don’t question your betters!

Those days are in the past, thank goodness.

Saschka · 19/12/2023 16:17

And she is literally being paid to be “the bad guy”. What does she think the extra money is for? If she doesn’t want to do it, she could go back to being a waitress with no responsibility for management decisions.

misssunshine4040 · 19/12/2023 16:18

It's really crap but it's hospitality and always has been.
The industry has come a long way in expectations of staff but sending home teams early is still commonplace.

TerfTalking · 19/12/2023 16:18

If she can't take it she shouldn't give it.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 19/12/2023 16:23

Brefugee · 19/12/2023 15:39

she has learned a valuable lesson in management and decision making.

But anyone who causes someone to cry at work is UR

I disagree that you're automatically BU if you make someone cry in the workplace.

Obviously, if you make people cry by being rude, aggressive or unnecessarily harsh, that's completely unacceptable. But sometimes you do need to speak to people about issues relating to their conduct or performance, and they often cry regardless of how reasonable and gentle you are being...in fact, if you're nice to them about it, they sometimes cry all the more!!!

OP, I think the points you raised were reasonable. Whether the delivery was appropriate or not is hard to say. Your manager sounds like she isn't coping very well, and that's difficult but it isn't your responsibility.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 19/12/2023 16:25

She was underpressure, but if you don't question unworkable/or unreasonable decisions, which you say you did in a polite way, then it will just keep happening again, so you were right to speak up.
It was just unfortunate that she was having a really bad day
But then you did apologise nicely I thought, but maybe if she's not coping well, she can't think what to say in reply... You did what you could.

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