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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Bit sad after seeing ex

33 replies

Sandstorm33 · 19/12/2023 08:32

I ended a 4 year relationship almost a month ago as my ex was hesitant about any sort of commitment despite living together for several years, wouldn't agree to a small registry office a year from now, hesitant about a mortgage together etc. and I'm approaching mid-30s, he couldn't give me even a vague timeline so I took the difficult decision to leave.
Anyway in unexpected circumstances he ended up in hospital with something potentially life-threatening, I was really worried, luckily it wasn't the thing initially suspected and thankfully something less serious, discharged that evening and so I went to help him at home as soon as he was discharged and help him out with shopping etc.
He seemed really happy to see me as was I, it was bittersweet I guess. We have been in contact prior to this but I know I cannot go back.
He doesn't seem to have changed his mind in any way, at one point a couple of weeks ago he texted saying 'Can we not make a plan?'. I said yes, what sort of plan? And he never replied to it.
He seems to have accepted things which is good but no signs of wanting commitment still.
The thing that hurt a bit was that he was talking about how he's got the deposit for a house, so he obviously does want to buy a home, he just didn't want that to be with me I assume.
Anwyay he had previously said he misses me, but he hasn't taken any actions to show he wants to commit so I know it's the right decision.
He was trying to cuddle me a lot but I know that doesn't mean anything, he likely just misses the affection as do I, my abusive previous ex also tried to do that.
Anyway it's not an AIBU just feeling a bit sorry for myself.. I don't know what I was expecting tbh. I am focusing on myself and moving on, I know I'm definitely not going back.

OP posts:

Ablondiebutagoody · 19/12/2023 08:43

You are not unreasonable to feel sad, its perfectly natural. What is unreasonable is all this contact with him. Stop it. The texts, the meets, everything. Literally no contact. Zero.

Original poster

Sandstorm33 · 19/12/2023 08:45

I only went to see him because he was in hospital, otherwise I haven't and will not be otherwise.. but you are right, it'll have to be no contact even though it's tough.

OP posts:

LaurieStrode · 19/12/2023 08:48

That is sad, especially this time of year. It was kind of you to help him.

💐

Cadenza12 · 19/12/2023 08:57

You did help but it seems that were hoping that he had changed his mind. He hasn't. You may be sad for losing the relationship that you want, not the one that you had with this man. It's perfectly natural. If he chooses to live alone then he has to take the good and the bad. The bad being in hospital with no-one to mop your brow. Find someone who wants what you want.

Original poster

Sandstorm33 · 19/12/2023 08:59

His family live far away and no friends were able to come and help him, I didn't want to leave him. I think him talking about the house deposit hurts particularly.. also saying can we make a plan and then not replying is frustrating.
I am confident that I will move on in time. I guess many of us have been there at some point, I will try to not take it personally.

OP posts:

Pinkyhere · 19/12/2023 09:09

You did the kind and decent thing to help him out.
Like other pps have said it's especially difficult at this time of year but don't let yourself be drawn back in. You were together for long enough for him to decide. He's shown you he can move forward with the house if HE wants to.
Him texting and then leaving you hanging and the cuddling is him wanting his cake...
If you don't want to block him, archive him or mute him so you don't feel the urgent pang to answer. He's a grown man. He doesn't want what you want. Don't let him hold you back.

Tandora · 19/12/2023 09:10

Hi OP, I saw your thread a few weeks back. You did everything you could to try not to leave, but he made it clear that he was not going to commit. His behaviour has been pretty shitty to be honest- dangling little bits to manipulate you, but never following through. the “can we make a plan” text is the latest of these antics.

YWVU to go help him out of hospital. These are the kind of benefits that come with being in a committed relationship that he doesn’t get to take advantage of if he’s not going to reciprocate with providing the things you need in a partner. If he knows he can have your support on tap whenever he needs it, without offering anything in return, he’s not going to value it, because that’s the kind of selfish and entitled man he seems to be.

It is totally understandable that you feel sad- the deposit on a house is especially a kick in the teeth, since he’s been feeding you the line that his lack of commitment is to do with finances.

You need to go no contact and move on. Sending strength 💪🏻. You’ll feel better with time and much sooner if you are disciplined about no contact.

Original poster

Sandstorm33 · 19/12/2023 09:12

Thank you everyone

OP posts:

Hiddenvoice · 19/12/2023 09:13

It’s only normal to feel that way after seeing him again. It was very kind of you to put any ill feelings or hurt aside and help him in his time if need.

I think you’ve done the right thing about ending it. I would have read his message as he wants to carry on and not make a plan for the future which isn’t what you want.
You need to put yourself first. You both seem to want different things in life . He was happy to continue as things were and who knows things might have naturally progressed but it would have been at a pace he was happy with. You want more, you want to know that bigger commitment is coming sometime soon and he couldn’t do it.

I think it might be best to slowly cut contact. Stop the messaging etc and both try to move on. It’s sad his family aren’t close but thats nothing to do with you now.

Take time to grieve the life you thought you would have with him. Only natural to feel sad about what you are losing as well as what you’ve lost. I’d start the new year with a fresh start of focussing on you and what you want.

Honeyroar · 19/12/2023 09:35

You sound like a very astute and kind person. It’s natural to feel like you do, but you sound strong and you will move onto better things in the future.

KnowThyself · 19/12/2023 09:39

You helped him because you are a decent human being, he is ok now so time to cut contact. Don’t end up hoping he will change his mind.

Haydenn · 19/12/2023 09:39

He sounds like he is prepared to use you until something better comes along. He doesn’t want to tie himself to you but is quite happy ticking things along at the moment.

even things like text messages just help his ego so he knows he can get a woman if he wanted to. Don’t waste your 30s on this man, it will be the worst mistake you make

Original poster

Sandstorm33 · 19/12/2023 09:45

Thanks for your support everyone. The thing is if I were younger, say 20s then it might have been ok to wait a few more years to see if things did naturally progress. However in your mid 30s and wanting children it's quite a huge risk to take.. but your answers have helped me

OP posts:

laclochette · 19/12/2023 09:48

I'm sorry, this sounds like such a hard and sad situation overall.

One of the things I often find helpful to remember when a relationship ends is that the difference between a romantic/coupled relationship vs a friendship isn't the physical element/sex etc. It's the emotional dependency. The fact that you are each each other's first port of call when something really good or really bad happens. When a relationship ends, you HAVE to force that to end too. That's why the cold turkey method is so effective.

His being hospitalised was an extreme circumstance, granted, but from now on I really would go completely cold turkey. Tis the season after all! Not in a rude way - I tend to just send a message saying something like, "For my own wellbeing and healing, I need to cut contact for the foreseeable. I won't be in touch from now on and please don't contact me, either. If and when I'm ready to be in touch, I'll contact you, and it's then your call to decide if you want to be in touch again or not." Then block them everywhere.

i'm sorry again, and good luck.

Original poster

Sandstorm33 · 19/12/2023 09:52

He was saying he is now realising he has nobody around at the flat if something were to happen.. I've been very clear that I would happily go back if there could be some sort of commitment outlined, but that otherwise I can't as we will end up back at square one.

OP posts:

JamSandle · 19/12/2023 10:01

I think you did the right thing helping him.

Nicole1111 · 19/12/2023 10:01

You deserve better and not to be bread crumbed. Repeat after me - I will no longer be someone’s option when I can be someone else’s priority. Then block all contact with him and take some time to focus on yourself.

iljafjpr · 19/12/2023 10:02

Sandstorm33 · 19/12/2023 09:52

You need to stop contact with him. I know it was kind of you to go and see him in hospital but I think you have to have stronger boundaries here.
He didn't want to commit to you so now he can't expect you to visit him hospital and be at his flat "if something were to happen". He made his choice by not committing to you. Now he's been unwell he starts thinking, mmmmm, might have been useful to have OP around, mmmmm... maybe I should make some noises about committing to her.
Is the "deposit on the house" stuff meant to be he's putting a deposit on his own house down or is it trying to draw you in "I've saved enough money now for a deposit on a house"... big hint kind of thing that maybe he's in a position to buy a house and maybe with you? ie. future faking

I think you might have posted on here before in the run up to leaving him? If not, I've read very similar recently. If it was you, you spent a long time considering this and decided to leave him and also making it clear to him that without commitment you would be leaving.

You absolutely need to stick to this decision so that you can be free to move on and find someone else who is prepared to commit to you.
You cannot trust a word this man says. Do not waste another minute on him. And you need to stop contact.
I took a long time to finally break from my ex - we got back together a few times when he promised to change and so on - he did for a while and then went back to his old self. The only way I could completely get out was by going completely non-contact with him.

DinoDays · 19/12/2023 10:06

So if he promises to getting married next year, you'll get back together?

Hoorah!

Oh wait ... when next year comes and he says let's wait another year ... then another year!!

He's using you darling.

He doesn't love you enough to commit but you'll do until something better comes.

Why have you not blocked him? So if he gets ill again, you'll go running?

You're just a make do, until he finds someone he believes is better.

You see it time and time again on here. Happened to my poor SIL, was with my BIL for years and years.

Desperately wanted a baby and marriage. He wouldn't commit.

She finally managed to get him to commit to marriage. He left her the next year remarried almost immediately and had 2 kids.

She's in her 50's now, no kids and so bitter. To be honest I'm bitter for her.

Please block this prat. You deserve so much better.

MmedeGouge · 19/12/2023 10:06

What a kind and generous person you are.
Your ex has gone through a difficult time health wise, I do feel though that you should be protecting yourself.

You seem to be making progress in getting over the disappointment of the ending of the relationship, don’t fall into the trap of wasting more time on someone who does not want to commit to you.
Plan for the future, don’t look back!
There is every chance that this time next year you will have found someone who deserves you. The ex certainly does not!

Nevermind31 · 19/12/2023 10:15

You are a nice person.
now it is time for someone to appreciate you.
no cuddling, no texting, no helping out. You get those things if you are in a relationship.
not in a relationship? Hopefully you’ll have some friends. Or the money to pay someone.
can we make a plan? Sure, you can make a plan, but I am not waiting for you.

OhAgast · 19/12/2023 10:16

Has he said why he is averse to commitment? Sometimes, seeing friends/family/parents go through a messy divorce leave a lasting effect on the brain. If he is naturally cautious this can be a big barrier to break down.

Tilllly · 19/12/2023 10:18

Oh @Sandstorm33, I'm sorry you're feeling sad.

You've done the right thing, you just have to grit your teeth and get thru it

Maybe he'll realise what he's lost and want to commit, but it's a very small chance, and don't waste your resilience, pinning your hopes on that

TenThousandSpoons · 19/12/2023 10:23

You did the hardest bit and left…now block his number and move on so you are free when you find the man who deserves you in 2024.

paintingvenice · 19/12/2023 10:28

Sandstorm33 · 19/12/2023 09:52

You really don’t want to be with someone whose reason for being with you is because they don’t want to be in the flat alone in case something happens. As far as seduction goes that is the bottom of the barrel.

you should be with someone who WANTS to commit to you and build a life- not someone who might offer you crumbs as a last resort to keep you on the hook. Please cut contact with this man

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