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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pregnancy announcement

29 replies

Astrid15 · 18/12/2023 18:51

My sister in law chose my birthday to message my partner her daughter is 7 weeks pregnant. I'm in my late 40s, lost my only ever pregnancy when I was 30 due to coerced abortion. I don't think she knows that specific detail but she knows I don't have kids and I'm pretty sure my partner has told her it's a painful issue for me. It's good news of course and I am always happy for people but especially after a few drinks I couldnt keep the pain at bay, I am an expert at silent crying and my partner was too drunk to notice if my eyes looked teary. I just think to myself could she not have said the day before or day after, but then maybe it makes no difference. It's just hard when you never know when something is going to emotionally hammer you. In general I think people don't understand how painful it is, you're not just childless, you're grandchildless, in a sense futureless, and you have to battle with that the rest of your life, never knowing when you are ging to get an emotional suckerpunch. I've made progress with this for 16 years, better able to cope by making myself face it and feel it over the years, like the title of Sarah Polley's book, run towards the danger, but even though I've done a lot of work it still really hurts. Does anyone with experience have any advice for coping with it?

OP posts:
Tandora · 18/12/2023 20:30

YANBU OP, I’m so so sorry. Have you heard of an organisation called gateway women. They have an incredible community who may be able to help xx

Original poster
Astrid15 · 18/12/2023 20:57

Thank you, I have but couldn't afford it.

OP posts:
Tandora · 18/12/2023 21:01

Ohh, That’s odd because it says this on their website?

“after which there is a sliding scale of membership fees, including a donation level (all with the same level of access). This means that whatever your financial circumstances, you can come and join this wonderful global group of women. No one is turned away for financial reasons”

Ladybirder · 18/12/2023 21:08

YANBU. Unfortunately people get caught up in their own lives and forget about the feelings of others, especially when pregnancy/ babies are involved. I think unless they’ve been through fertility issues/ baby loss most people don’t stop to think about how their happy news might trigger grief in others. As your SIL knows about your struggles she should have realised this and perhaps told your DH who could tell you when the time was right, or she could have at least waited until after your birthday. Take care of yourself OP, take some time to be sad/ angry etc and then make sure you do something nice to make up for your birthday xx

OCDmama · 18/12/2023 21:44

But your SIL told your DP, not you directly?

If that's the case it's not really inconsiderate of her, but your DP surely?

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/12/2023 21:46

He didn’t have to tell you. Could easily have kept it to himself for a day. I’m sorry for your pain 💐

KrisAkabusi · 18/12/2023 22:25

Very sorry for you. But does your sister in law even know when your birthday is? I certainly don't know any beyond immediate family. Never put down to malice what can be explained by ignorance.

Changingplace · 18/12/2023 22:36

I’m sorry OP, I’m also childless after multiple failed ivf’s and I think people just have no understanding whatsoever what it’s truly like, I’m sorry your sil didn’t think before passing on the news on your birthday, sending love x

Original poster
Astrid15 · 18/12/2023 22:41

Thank you. Sending hugs back. Pleased for others who dont know but you are right its not understood unless you live it x

OP posts:
Original poster
Astrid15 · 18/12/2023 22:42

OCDmama · 18/12/2023 21:44

But your SIL told your DP, not you directly?

If that's the case it's not really inconsiderate of her, but your DP surely?

That's a fair point. The truth is my partner himself can say things that suggest he doesn't understand, although I have told him of how I struggle with it. I don't want to be self obsessed, it didn't ruin my birthday, mainly e I got the feelings out which is importat to do. Tbh my post was also asking if anyone has any tips for coping with this kind of thing better.

OP posts:
cornflakestoast · 18/12/2023 22:46

Infertility is really tough. What you are feeling is completely natural. Don’t beat yourself up about whether you are reasonable on top of the pain you are already feeling. It’s hard

Original poster
Astrid15 · 18/12/2023 22:46

KrisAkabusi · 18/12/2023 22:25

Very sorry for you. But does your sister in law even know when your birthday is? I certainly don't know any beyond immediate family. Never put down to malice what can be explained by ignorance.

She did know, I am her brother's partner. I don't think there was malice though, just wish if had been a different day.

OP posts:
Original poster
Astrid15 · 18/12/2023 22:48

cornflakestoast · 18/12/2023 22:46

Infertility is really tough. What you are feeling is completely natural. Don’t beat yourself up about whether you are reasonable on top of the pain you are already feeling. It’s hard

Thank you, that's very kind. We can't help our feelings, no.

OP posts:
Ella31 · 18/12/2023 22:49

Different situation but I lost my twin boys 6 weeks ago,, one stillborn, my other son 5 days later after birth. I'm now battling friends sending me pics of them going to Santa with their babies , or their nieces and nephews. As well as coping with inlaws talking about their scans. It's so painful but I'm literally telling myself that it's their life not mine. I think people forget because they can't possibly know the pain if they haven't experienced it themselves. It doesn't help though so I hope you are being kind to yourself op. I also think your DP should have withheld the info with the day that was in it.

Changingplace · 18/12/2023 22:52

Ella31 · 18/12/2023 22:49

Different situation but I lost my twin boys 6 weeks ago,, one stillborn, my other son 5 days later after birth. I'm now battling friends sending me pics of them going to Santa with their babies , or their nieces and nephews. As well as coping with inlaws talking about their scans. It's so painful but I'm literally telling myself that it's their life not mine. I think people forget because they can't possibly know the pain if they haven't experienced it themselves. It doesn't help though so I hope you are being kind to yourself op. I also think your DP should have withheld the info with the day that was in it.

I’m so very sorry for your loss, you’re in my thoughts x

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 18/12/2023 22:54

@Ella31 not wanting to hijack thread, but I've been thinking about you, and your losses of your boys. You're always so brave and supportive to others here. Unmumsnetty xx to you.

Original poster
Astrid15 · 18/12/2023 22:54

Ella31 · 18/12/2023 22:49

Different situation but I lost my twin boys 6 weeks ago,, one stillborn, my other son 5 days later after birth. I'm now battling friends sending me pics of them going to Santa with their babies , or their nieces and nephews. As well as coping with inlaws talking about their scans. It's so painful but I'm literally telling myself that it's their life not mine. I think people forget because they can't possibly know the pain if they haven't experienced it themselves. It doesn't help though so I hope you are being kind to yourself op. I also think your DP should have withheld the info with the day that was in it.

Oh dear, I'm so sorry, sending you hugs :( Maybe there is something on google, ways to try and cope with what can be a deluge, I will take a look. Take care of yourself x

OP posts:
Original poster
Astrid15 · 18/12/2023 22:57

Tandora · 18/12/2023 21:01

Ohh, That’s odd because it says this on their website?

“after which there is a sliding scale of membership fees, including a donation level (all with the same level of access). This means that whatever your financial circumstances, you can come and join this wonderful global group of women. No one is turned away for financial reasons”

Ok thanks, I will take another look

OP posts:
Tandora · 18/12/2023 22:59

Ella31 · 18/12/2023 22:49

Different situation but I lost my twin boys 6 weeks ago,, one stillborn, my other son 5 days later after birth. I'm now battling friends sending me pics of them going to Santa with their babies , or their nieces and nephews. As well as coping with inlaws talking about their scans. It's so painful but I'm literally telling myself that it's their life not mine. I think people forget because they can't possibly know the pain if they haven't experienced it themselves. It doesn't help though so I hope you are being kind to yourself op. I also think your DP should have withheld the info with the day that was in it.

I am so so sorry for your loss. There are no words.
You shouldn’t be having to deal with anyone sharing baby pics or scan news right now. Sometimes the insensitivity of others is staggering.
i hope you are finding every possible way of taking care of yourself right now 🤍

Tandora · 18/12/2023 23:00

Astrid15 · 18/12/2023 22:57

Ok thanks, I will take another look

Show quote history

Sending love OP 🩷

Flower212 · 18/12/2023 23:09

As a recurrent miscarriage sufferer with no living children yet YANBU. When I do hopefully have a pregnancy that sticks I will always have thought and tact with a pregnancy announcement.

@Ella31 also been thinking of you 🌷

Nanny0gg · 18/12/2023 23:22

Ella31 · 18/12/2023 22:49

Different situation but I lost my twin boys 6 weeks ago,, one stillborn, my other son 5 days later after birth. I'm now battling friends sending me pics of them going to Santa with their babies , or their nieces and nephews. As well as coping with inlaws talking about their scans. It's so painful but I'm literally telling myself that it's their life not mine. I think people forget because they can't possibly know the pain if they haven't experienced it themselves. It doesn't help though so I hope you are being kind to yourself op. I also think your DP should have withheld the info with the day that was in it.

No words
Flowers ((hugs))

NotSienna · 18/12/2023 23:33

Ella31 · 18/12/2023 22:49

Different situation but I lost my twin boys 6 weeks ago,, one stillborn, my other son 5 days later after birth. I'm now battling friends sending me pics of them going to Santa with their babies , or their nieces and nephews. As well as coping with inlaws talking about their scans. It's so painful but I'm literally telling myself that it's their life not mine. I think people forget because they can't possibly know the pain if they haven't experienced it themselves. It doesn't help though so I hope you are being kind to yourself op. I also think your DP should have withheld the info with the day that was in it.

I am so so sorry for your loss 🩷 I had a stillborn baby girl at 35 weeks, 7 years ago. Just weeks later, my ‘best’ friend sent me her Scan photos with a follow up message ‘sorry I know this probably is sad for you but I hope you are still happy for me, and I would love you to be my baby’s godmother.’ - we are no longer friends. Some people are really just inexcusably thoughtless.

BubziOwl · 19/12/2023 00:29

Lots of love to the people on this thread who have suffered losses 

Thoughtless of your SIL, OP. I would agree with a PP though that it's likely she either doesn't remember it's your birthday or has forgotten about your past with this topic. Your partner shouldn't have told you, also, and just waited until the next day.

@Ella31 6 weeks? That's so incredibly raw and recent - I'm thinking of you. ❤️ I have to say that discussing children and pregnancies in front of someone who lost two babies six weeks ago goes beyond thoughtlessness and into straight up cruelty imo.

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