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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not check my daughter's lunch?

30 replies

PaperDoIIs · 18/12/2023 18:36

Background : DD is fussy as fuck and has a history of barely eating, but only up to age 5/6.

She is now 12 and at secondary and has packed lunches 2 days a week. Me and a friend (we've been friends for years so she knows the "background ") were talking and she was moaning about how disgusting her DD's lunch box gets with leftovers being banged about all afternoon, it's a pain to clean every night etc. I said I had told DD ages ago that she could just throw the rubbish out at school and saves me a job. All chill and lighthearted.

She got very cross/upset and told me I'm irresponsible, I should be keeping an eye on her eating habits especially at this age and with DD's background. I was quite thrown and just said it makes sense I guess but it's only two days, DD tells me what she ate, she has a hot dinner every night and her weight is fine. Again she called me irresponsible and naive and she hopes I won't end up regretting my lax attitude. I got pissy and told her to get over herself and that I appreciate her concern but she's my kid and lazy or not, I made a parenting decision and that's that.

She left in a huff and that was the end of it.

AIBU? Should I still be checking DD's lunch box? It feels pointless as well since she could throw stuff out anyways or hide it.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 18/12/2023 18:37

I think as long as you know she eats well for the majority of meals at home then there is no need to worry or make a fuss about what is or isn’t eaten at school. If she gets a school meal you don’t know what is actually eaten!

Hankunamatata · 18/12/2023 18:40

Your friends weird. Mine in high school - My eldest won't eat at school (sen), middle dc (also sen) is hit and miss so I let him choose what he takes so usually breadsticks and cereal bar. When they come I from school they know where all the snacks are and have big glass of milk or juice.
It's not ideal. I'd pref them to each lunch but they won't so its not a hill I'm willing to die on. Especially when they have breakfast and afterschool food

sprigatito · 18/12/2023 18:40

Your friend is nuts. Picking over a child's leftovers and micromanaging their eating is a terrible idea. It causes anxiety around eating and promotes secrecy. Keep doing things your way (and tell your friend not to be so bloody rude and overbearing).

frogswimming · 18/12/2023 18:43

sprigatito · 18/12/2023 18:40

Your friend is nuts. Picking over a child's leftovers and micromanaging their eating is a terrible idea. It causes anxiety around eating and promotes secrecy. Keep doing things your way (and tell your friend not to be so bloody rude and overbearing).

This

Middleagedmeangirls · 18/12/2023 18:44

I wouldn't check. It just makes an issue of it and would be completely pointless.

I say this as the mum of someone in recovery from anorexia. It started when she went to uni but if her anorexia had started while she was living at home and I'd checked her lunch box she would have thrown the food away at school and pretended she'd had a full meal.

She eventually had to take a year out of uni because she was too weak and frail to study and she would lie and hide/throw away food all the time. It's a horrible disease and made my lovely, frank, honest daughter very sly and deceitful while she was in its grip.

She is 10 years in recovery now thank god. I pray she stays that way.

mynameiscalypso · 18/12/2023 18:47

One thing that anorexia makes you is sneaky. Checking a lunchbox won't do anything. I used to make my packed lunch every day in front of my DM and then throw it away in the nearest bin once I'd left the house.

HolyZarquonsSingingSeals · 18/12/2023 18:49

I wouldn't be taking parenting advice from your friend, or any kind of advice unless you want to know how to make a drama out of absolutely nothing.

minisoksmakehardwork · 18/12/2023 18:51

Your friend probably means well but I agree that it's a battle I'd not fight either if she's otherwise eating well.

Having worked with a young person recovering from a restrictive food disorder in secondary school, they said one of the biggest issues was having to eat in the canteen and feeling everyone was watching. Their mum picked their battles and we offered a safe space away from the bustle. That was helpful for them as we'd not make a fuss about what they did or didn't eat but had casual conversation about other things going on.

Better to allow choice and monitor from afar than force the issue and for secrecy around food to happen.

DragonflyLady · 18/12/2023 18:54

I think you’re doing the right thing tbh. Your friend sounds very controlling.

Original poster
PaperDoIIs · 18/12/2023 19:00

I think what pissed me off the most was the way she said "with her background ".

  1. She was a very small child that's not background at least in terms of eating disorders.
  1. It was a very stressful ,worrying and frustrating time for me for a couple of years and I hate remembering it and I feel like she was playing on my (mostly past) fears.
OP posts:
10HailMarys · 18/12/2023 19:06

Your friend is being really odd about this. Your daughter only has a packed lunch two days a week, she’s a healthy weight and eating a meal in the evening. And even if you told her to bring home her leftovers, if she really wanted to hide what was/wasn’t eating she could still throw them away at school anyway.

Nobody carried their packed lunch rubbish home when I was at secondary school. What teenager wants to carry a box of crusts and banana skin round with them all afternoon when they could just put it in the bin?!

flowerchild2000 · 18/12/2023 19:09

Wow OTT! You are more likely to have a DD who tells you the truth if you trust her to. Being overly controlling does nothing but push your child away. Plus you solved the mess issue.

Original poster
PaperDoIIs · 18/12/2023 19:48

flowerchild2000 · 18/12/2023 19:09

Wow OTT! You are more likely to have a DD who tells you the truth if you trust her to. Being overly controlling does nothing but push your child away. Plus you solved the mess issue.

Exactly. Plus even if I saw the leftovers I'd just ask how come she didn't eat much and move on . I have no idea how much she eats on school meals day either (I just see what she's bought) but apparently that's ok because the staff will make her eat. That's the last thing I want and her primary school staff were aware (at the beginning) that I didn't want her forced to eat.

OP posts:
SecondUsername4me · 18/12/2023 19:50

Your friend got huffy because she criticised your parenting and you didn't agree? Grin

She sounds a peach.

NuffSaidSam · 18/12/2023 19:51

Your friend sounds well meaning, but a bit thick.

DD can throw stuff away whether you give her permission to or not....as can your friends DC so it's completely pointless apart from anything else.

RandomButtons · 18/12/2023 19:53

sprigatito · 18/12/2023 18:40

Your friend is nuts. Picking over a child's leftovers and micromanaging their eating is a terrible idea. It causes anxiety around eating and promotes secrecy. Keep doing things your way (and tell your friend not to be so bloody rude and overbearing).

I was anorexic and this is spot on.

Keep doing what you are doing. Making an issue out of it will make it worse. Go more by how happy your daughter is.

RandomButtons · 18/12/2023 19:55

Also when I was anorexic I threw food away but left the wrappers so my parents thought I’d eaten. Your friends logic is flawed.

Didimum · 18/12/2023 19:58

If your daughter has ongoing food issues and you checked her leftovers, she’s definitely old enough to figure out how to fake having eaten more by either throwing it all away or partially away anyway. So what’s the point? Keeping tabs on what she consumes is a sure-fire way to increase anxieties around eating, even if she has none.

Your friend sounds beyond weird. Why does she care? Why is she starting arguments with you over something that doesn’t effect her in the least?

LuckySantangelo35 · 18/12/2023 19:59

Your friend sounds quite dense OP. Just ignore her.

Reach9kat · 18/12/2023 19:59

Your friend is too controlling. You have to trust your daughter. You have no reason not too, right!?! This sort of thinking by your friend plants seeds in her daughters head about dysfunctional eating if she let's her know what she's doing.

mindutopia · 18/12/2023 20:00

I suspect she’s a bit weird about food and this is one of the ways it plays out.

Original poster
PaperDoIIs · 18/12/2023 20:02

SecondUsername4me · 18/12/2023 19:50

Your friend got huffy because she criticised your parenting and you didn't agree? Grin

She sounds a peach.

That sums it up. Over such a pointless thing too. I'm sure there's plenty of other things she could've picked on, I'm definitely not a perfect parent. Grin

OP posts:
bellac11 · 18/12/2023 20:19

So 2 meals out of 21.

Even if she didnt eat any of it, you know what she is eating for the other meals so it is a bit irrelevant to check

And she's 12, not 7.

Clarinet1 · 18/12/2023 20:26

As someone who has overeaten considerably at times, I totally agree with those who say that, if your DD had some kind of eating disorder, she would throw away uneaten food anyway! However if it’s only two meals a week, she’s eating acceptably at other meals and her weight is OK, what’s that worry about?

arethereanyleftatall · 18/12/2023 20:44

A 12 year old would surely be savvy enough to work around that if they so wished. Surely?! So, if you decided to check her left overs, and told her to leave them so that you could, firstly she'd think you were batshit, and secondly she'd just tear a sandwich in half and bin half or whatever. Your friend is a bit batshit to be honest.