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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Overbearing mother in law

29 replies

Bananabreadcrumbs · 18/12/2023 16:26

I’m new to this, so please bear with. I may not understand some of the abbreviations so appreciate your patience.

I have a 6 month old son, who is my MIL’s first grandchild. As was expected she absolutely dotes on him and it’s lovely to see their bond growing.

The trouble is, she’s fine to get on with in small doses but if I’m around her too much she starts to really grate on me and can be quite over bearing and opinionated. I’m not a confrontational person so usually I’ll just laugh things off, or disagree in a polite way and that’s usually the end of it.

She’s starting saying things such as “X won’t be playing football ever, no, it’s too dangerous, he’s not going to be playing football.”
this is because my hubby has had quite a nasty football related injury in the past, which is why she deems it as dangerous.

“X is going to have whatever he wants, I’m not going to tell him no.”
this was during a discussion where she said she finds it cruel when parents in the supermarkets don’t allow their kids to have something they want off the shelf.

talking directly to the baby - “yes and when you’re a bit older we’ll have a sleepover and we’ll stay up all night long.”

Am I being over the top for the fact this is really annoying me? I want her to be involved in his life as much as she can but at the same time I want her to understand she’s not his parent so she doesn’t get to decide what sports he does or doesn’t play, what he’s allowed to have from the shop (within reason, I do understand that grandparents want to spoil their grandchild to a certain extent, but she surely can’t let him have EVERYTHING he wants?!) and the staying up all night thing pissed me off as he’s in a really good sleeping routine and I don’t want other people to ruin it with bad habits and causing him to then want to stay up all night at home, or have sweets all the time etc etc.

I’m really not sure if I’m just being over sensitive and I know I have to let go of control a bit, but this to me is a bit much and overbearing. What do you think?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 18/12/2023 16:28

Nip it in the bud now

Original poster
Bananabreadcrumbs · 18/12/2023 16:31

do you have any advice on how I do that? As I say, I’m not good with confrontation and don’t want to upset her.

OP posts:
VickyEadieofThigh · 18/12/2023 16:31

"Won't be playing football".

What's she planning to do, accompany him everywhere to prevent it?

Original poster
Bananabreadcrumbs · 18/12/2023 16:32

Exactly! This to me is ridiculous as football is quite commonly played by youngsters. It’s hardly bare knuckle boxing

OP posts:
takealettermsjones · 18/12/2023 16:33

I'd just ignore the football comment, there's literally nothing she can do about it if you do send him to football, so not worth getting het up about.

The supermarket - well, it's her purse 🤷🏻‍♀️

The sleep - if she's serious, no sleepovers without you. She can visit DS at yours.

No need for any confrontation!

Coyoacan · 18/12/2023 16:34

Maybe you could turn it all into a joke saying things like: "Not if I have any say in the matter you won't".

Mudflaps · 18/12/2023 16:44

Football : ask how she plans on stopping him? She'll realise you're letting her know you have the power not her.
Everything he wants : just pass a comment about spoilt children having trouble making friends etc.
Sleepovers/up all night : I'd be tempted to say by the time he's old enough for sleepovers she'll be glad to get to bed and sleep with the implication that she'll be very old by then.

Rachel111111 · 18/12/2023 16:46

You are his mum. End of. What you say goes. MIL could do with being reminded of that ( maybe husband could have a word) .
I think it's all too easy for the 'first time grand mum ' to be thrown around ( by them , not you) and make u feel guilty if u say anything. My mil was and still is completely overbearing, having a baby that's 6 months old, u are tired, adjusting etc . I wish I had have said something and my husband been more supportive when needed my space and not have to listen to nonsense from mil but " first time grand mum" always got thrown around. Never mind being a first time mum eh .

Christingle123 · 18/12/2023 16:51

Suspect a lot of it is in jest.

That relationship between DC and their grandparents is very different to that of you and your DC. You are there to teach the boundaries and the rules, the grand parents are there to be fun and spoil them rotten, to take them out of normal life for a bit and inject pure love, fun and adventures.

That's not to say that the roles don't intermingle, GP may need to discipline from time to time, just as you will love and have fun but to inflict your rules on the grandparents and expect them to enforce them on your behalf is unreasonable and will only cause friction and frustration.

Theunamedcat · 18/12/2023 16:57

We will stay up all night! Yes then you can watch him all day when he is grumpy and tired because mummy and daddy won't you break it you bought it 😉

Honestly my bloody mother was like this kept giving dd food that she reacted badly too then dropped her off so I could deal with it one day I was "out" then my phone "ran out of battery" I wasn't answering my landline because my "bus was late" I let her deal with the fallout I sat on my sofa drinking tea while she rang it off the hook kept it up for a good few hours before I said I was finally home she bitched that I was back at the usual drop off time and that dd was virtually fine now i did point out that she was the one that demands unsupervised time with dd so of course I'm going to go out and make plans also she never did it again

Lesson fucking learned

(It was a particular food that was imported that had some type of additive that sent her mad she flipped her actual toddler bed across the room at age 2 ripped all her drawers out threw her clothing everywhere BROKE the drawers all the while screaming like a banshee the Dr said not to give it to her and for some reason my mom thought she knew better it only lasted a few hours but I thought my mom should see the consequences of her actions)

Original poster
Bananabreadcrumbs · 18/12/2023 16:59

Thank you for your insight. As a first time mum I’m learning as I go. I think my worry with the grandparents spoiling the child scenario is that I don’t want to be made to be the bad guy when I have to say no to something that nanny would have said yes to.
But I think I just need to let go of that worry.

OP posts:
Pashazade · 18/12/2023 17:04

We have a general rule of Grandma's house, Grandma's rules. So yes he got indulged and spoiled when younger. Never had any issue when at home of me saying no! However she would never endanger him or try and pit her generosity against my need to parent with boundaries.

BabyYoshke · 18/12/2023 17:09

I’ve no time for overbearing mils but so far it’s all talk isn’t it? I’d be laughing or nodding yes dear until she actually oversteps before getting wound up or putting your foot down. Consider it practice for when your child says he’s going to eat chocolate all day long and not go to school and you say yes dear and don’t lose any sleep until he actually refuses to eat broccoli or go to school.

so basically, don’t be premature in your outrage, save it for when it’s needed or you’ll be stressed out more than you need.

Christingle123 · 18/12/2023 17:11

Bananabreadcrumbs · 18/12/2023 16:59

Thank you for your insight. As a first time mum I’m learning as I go. I think my worry with the grandparents spoiling the child scenario is that I don’t want to be made to be the bad guy when I have to say no to something that nanny would have said yes to.
But I think I just need to let go of that worry.

I wouldn't worry.

As PP says, 'at grandmas house' it won't hurt or undo your good work, kids are clever like that and they will learn pretty quickly what is and isn't acceptable.

I can't say in words how special that relationship is, and it's lovely to watch.

Some women (my mother certainly did!) like to give their MILs a hard time and honestly, it's not worth it

Zebedee55 · 18/12/2023 17:13

She’s over enthusiastic - let it go over your head. Most things never come to pass when everyone calms down.😉

Mumoftwo1312 · 18/12/2023 17:16

He's only 6mo so he's very easy right now, just delightfully sitting in his high chair, non verbal.

When he's a toddler/preschooler it'll be a whole different story. She'll soon see how wildly inaccurate her fantasies are - kids don't behave like they do in Christmas movies! She sounds like the kind of grandparent who won't have the stamina for more than a one-hour playdate.

Cross those bridges when you come to them!

ActDottie · 18/12/2023 17:17

Just have set phrases to say back to her when she says these things.

So for sleepovers maybe say “I’m not happy with sleepovers for a good few years yet” and the football thing just say “if he wants to play football he can” can come up with some firmer set phrases too but eventually she should start to back off.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 18/12/2023 17:29

Honestly pick your battles and choose hills to die on carefully.

as others have said - children adapt to rules in different places really well. They get used to it with home, school, friends houses, rainbows/swimming etc.

Also what gets said doesn’t always happen years down the line.

My DD3 loves that MiL lets her stay up “all night long” when she’s babysitting. In reality MiL watches a film with DD in her room and Dd crashes out by 8.30 - she gets a whole extra 15 mins usually. But the bond they have is just wonderful.

Catza · 18/12/2023 17:39

My grandparents spoilt me rotten and I actually turned out fine. Parents were disciplinarians so I am actually glad my grandparents cut me a bit of slack. No good guys/bad guys drama. I just knew that the rules were different depending on whose house I was in. And I don't remember ever being up all night. No child (or adult) would be able to handle that without being absolutely miserable. "Up all night" usually means a few hours past bedtime to watch a film together.

Silverbirchtwo · 18/12/2023 17:44

Worry about it when any of it is likely to happen. By then she may have other GCs to dote on, or very likely changed her mind. What she is saying now is irrelevant so ignore.

Mumoftwo1312 · 18/12/2023 17:44

My MIL, who really is wonderful with dd and really kind and helpful, had all kinds of wild opinions when dd was a baby.

She said, for example, that she didn't approve of plastic cups/beakers for small kids "how will they learn not to break things?". Recent gift for dd age3 was two Christmas plastic beakers with her name on! Glass just isn't convenient below about age 4! Mil knows this now, she sees how (age-appropriately) clumsy dd is!

My own mum lives abroad and comes for long visits once or twice a year. Every time she comes with age-inappropriate gifts (like pitched for 6yo when dd is only 3) because she just can't remember what a 3yo can do. On her first day of a recent visit, she asked dd what a sign said lol. I'm like, mum...she can't read yet...!

Grandparents just forget what kids are like. They quickly re-adjust as the kids grow older, ime

Allfur · 18/12/2023 17:45

Those comments are a bit annoying but fairly innocuous

Nanny0gg · 18/12/2023 17:54

Bananabreadcrumbs · 18/12/2023 16:59

Thank you for your insight. As a first time mum I’m learning as I go. I think my worry with the grandparents spoiling the child scenario is that I don’t want to be made to be the bad guy when I have to say no to something that nanny would have said yes to.
But I think I just need to let go of that worry.

Point out (if she keeps on) that football is in the PE curriculum

And the only thing you really need to stop is the passive/aggressive comments where she does the 'Granny will let you do/have what you want because mean mummy/daddy won't)

Stop that one in its tracks

10HailMarys · 18/12/2023 18:01

I suspect it’s all just talk, especially if she’s addressing it to the baby. I can see why it feels overbearing, but ultimately I’m sure she is well aware that she won’t have any say over whether her grandchild plays football. As for the spoiling - yeah, she might spoil him rotten, but that’s not unusual for a grandparent and grandchild and it doesn’t usually do any harm.

If you ask your partner, I bet he’d say that she didn’t let him have everything off the supermarket shelf when he was little! And I also suspect she will absolutely not want to stay up all night with her grandchild by the time he’s old enough to stay over with her. She’ll be knackered by bedtime!

autienotnaughty · 18/12/2023 18:03

Where's dh on this? I'd ask him to speak up when she does it. And discuss boundaries now. Will you both want sleepovers, will she be doing childcare?

Otherwise I'd just respond pleasantly, "dc will do whatever his parents decide won't you darling?" And change the subject.