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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset and to limit contact with in laws?

37 replies

CoralGraceRow · 18/12/2023 13:10

So I should start this by saying my in laws are lovely people and we get on well. I enjoy their company.

However, we live a 20-25 minute drive away and they have visited us at our house once. We are welcome to their house any time and expected to visit them. On the other hand my BIL and SIL live 5-10 minutes drive away from PIL and PIL visit them often. I know this is because they have kids (PIL grandkids). PIL dote on them. I have kids from a previous relationship and while PIL are good to them, they were older when they became a part of their lives and so the relationship just isn’t there. They already have grandparents and as teenagers are more interested in spending time with friends. This isn’t a problem and is no one’s ‘fault’ it’s just is what it is. We won’t be having any additional children.

Alongside visits to BIL/SIL house PIL take them to appointments and drive them all over. However the excuse for not visiting us is we are too far away and they have lost confidence driving/don’t like to drive far. One of the places they take them is 10 minutes away from our house.

I just don’t feel like I’m a proper part of the family. SIL has everyone’s numbers (extended family) and they have hers. Extended family have completed lots of jobs at BIL/SIL house and helped them a lot. We just haven’t had the same and it does upset me. We mention needing things doing and there’s no offer of help, but extended family spent a large part of the summer at BIL/SIL house doing all sorts. I try to not let it bother me but it’s getting to the point that I feel it’s so unfair and now SIL has a new baby on the way I know this will make matters worse and make me feel even more annoyed and upset about the whole situation.

AIBU to limit contact and just visit on special occasions?

OP posts:
sweetpeaorchestra · 18/12/2023 13:16

I wouldn’t, if you get on well and think they’re lovely people. I can get being a bit hurt you’re not as close to them as they are to BIL& SIL but being cool with them will just reinforce this. Isn’t it your DH’s relationship primarily, how does he feel?

2mummies1baby · 18/12/2023 13:18

I think that would be a massive overreaction; you say yourself they are lovely people who have been good to your children, so why on earth would you limit contact with them? Your in-laws spend more time with their other son and daughter-in-law because they want to spend time with their grandchildren- simple as that. Grandchildren are far more exciting than daughters-in-law!

You also seem to expect a lot of help from extended family- why do you feel entitled to this? Have you ever offered to help them with anything?

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, I don't mean to, but I think it's important to see that, from an outsider's perspective, you come across as unreasonable.

Original poster
CoralGraceRow · 18/12/2023 13:19

He is very close to his family but it upsets him too. It’s like the effort is one sided and the difference in how we are treated is so clear to see despite trying to be close to PIL! He has spoke to them but it made no difference at all. Both me and SIL have been around for the same amount of time so other than the DGC she has given them I’m not sure why we aren’t treated the same despite bending over backwards for PIL!

OP posts:
2mummies1baby · 18/12/2023 13:19

It's also quite telling that you don't seem to be considering your partner in all of this.

elizzza · 18/12/2023 13:23

It seems like it would be a shame to limit contact when you start by saying they are lovely and you enjoy their company. Does you partner have a view?

Unless there’s loads of relevant details you didn’t include, it does feel to me like maybe just different personalities producing different outcomes? Presumably you’ve never asked for an extended family member’s number and been refused - maybe SIL is more proactive about asking for numbers and contacting people? Maybe BIL/SIL directly ask when they want something doing, instead of mentioning and waiting for an offer of help. Do you invite PILs over and they say no?

2mummies1baby · 18/12/2023 13:25

CoralGraceRow · 18/12/2023 13:19

He is very close to his family but it upsets him too. It’s like the effort is one sided and the difference in how we are treated is so clear to see despite trying to be close to PIL! He has spoke to them but it made no difference at all. Both me and SIL have been around for the same amount of time so other than the DGC she has given them I’m not sure why we aren’t treated the same despite bending over backwards for PIL!

The grandchildren are a huge difference! You seem to be taking this very personally, but of course your PIL don't want to spend as much time with you as they do with their grandchildren!

Out of interest, in what ways have you bent over backwards for your PIL?

Original poster
CoralGraceRow · 18/12/2023 13:29

I definitely don’t expect any help, and always offer myself out to help e.g have offered to decorate, I pick up bits for them that they can’t get at their local supermarket, offer to fix/mend items, buy thoughtful gifts etc. However if BIL mentions something needs doing then family rally round, whereas we can mention it and have never had the offer of help for anything at all.

Partner becomes quite upset by this too. It’s not just me. However is close to his family and loves them dearly so feels torn.

We’ve offered for them to come over many times and they never take us up on it.

SIL is very quiet and wouldn’t ask/make first contact with family members.

OP posts:
TinselTitts · 18/12/2023 13:34

If your partner's upset he needs to speak to them.

However, your posts very much focus on you and how you feel so if you want to limit contact, then perhaps you should do.

Granthams · 18/12/2023 13:43

PIL and extended family are probably offering to help as they have young children. You don’t so you and your husbands evenings and weekends are free to do whatever needs to be done around the house. Maybe they’re disappointed that your husband has decided not to have children of his own too.

Why don’t you offer to help out too and become part of the family that way?

Original poster
CoralGraceRow · 18/12/2023 13:45

The focus is on my feelings of hurt and I appreciate that, I was simply putting it from my POV, but partner is also hurt by lack of effort on PIL part. I should have made this clear in my original post.

I fully understand and appreciate that PIL won’t be round as often for a chat and a brew because they are going round to visit their GC and there’s no issue with that at all, it’s lovely they have a good relationship with them. I wouldn’t expect the same level of visits. I think the hurt comes from the fact they don’t put any effort at all into visiting us. Not even a handful of times over the year. We’re more than happy to do most of the travelling but just not all. They make out like they want to see us so to me some effort is appreciated so it’s not all one sided.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 18/12/2023 13:45

Don't you think you're a bit old for petty jealousy?

Original poster
CoralGraceRow · 18/12/2023 13:57

It’s not petty jealousy. I’m trying to articulate it best I can and there’s only so much you can on a chat forum. None of the extended family have ever been over to our home, PIL once. Were talking in years. I can’t imagine treating two of my DC so differently. However like I say I don’t expect the same at all, I honestly understand the fact DGC make a big difference but this feels beyond that and like we’re out of site out of mind despite putting effort in from our side.

OP posts:
Whattheheckcarer · 18/12/2023 13:58

It doesn't sound like petty jealousy to me. I think I'd step back a bit and focus on your little family however hurtful their lack of interest is.

TortoisePlayingMinecraft · 18/12/2023 13:58

I think it's really weird that they have only been to your house once and have declined every invite. I'd be upset too at the lack of effort. I don't think you would be unreasonable to point out to them that this is upsetting to you both and ask if you can find a way to allow them to travel to you. Have you ever offered to pick them up and bring them to yours?

WrittenInBlue · 18/12/2023 14:03

Did your PIL always have a different relationship with their sons - has BIL always been the favourite child?

DuploTrain · 18/12/2023 14:08

It doesn’t sound like jealousy to me either OP. Of course it’s hurtful that they make much more of an effort with BIL’s family than DH’s family. And of course you’re allowed to have an opinion and feelings about it.

I would stop making the effort to visit personally. If they mention meeting up, just say that would be lovely, you’re welcome to come any time / next Saturday / etc.

Fulshaw · 18/12/2023 14:10

I think this kind of dynamic is hard to explain in words, you have to witness it, which is why some posters are being a bit harsh. It’s all in the nuances.

I can see why this is upsetting for you and more importantly your DH. But you can’t change them and you’ve said he’s already spoken to them and nothing has changed. A counsellor would tell you to work on acceptance. Accept who they are and make your peace with the type of relationship they’re offering. Let go of wishing and hoping for something else.

pikkumyy77 · 18/12/2023 14:12

Ok : there is a difference the way you are treated. I used to be an anthropologist so this really doesn’t surprise me. You are an in-married daughter-in-law. Length of time in service to the family, or physical distance, doesn’t matter as much as the fact that you came into the marriage with your own children and didn’t produce children for his clan. Whatever family does for his sibling is seen as using family resources for family (time, attention , visits, money, help are all resources). It is seen as enriching the family. All those resources if given to you are implicitly seen as going to an outsider and her children.

I doubt that this is explicitly understood. But I think if you try to predict their behavior using this model you will see it is accurate.

Pigglycat · 18/12/2023 14:19

CoralGraceRow · 18/12/2023 13:57

It’s not petty jealousy. I’m trying to articulate it best I can and there’s only so much you can on a chat forum. None of the extended family have ever been over to our home, PIL once. Were talking in years. I can’t imagine treating two of my DC so differently. However like I say I don’t expect the same at all, I honestly understand the fact DGC make a big difference but this feels beyond that and like we’re out of site out of mind despite putting effort in from our side.

Don't OP. it doesn't sound like petty jealousy, and I think you've explained it very clearly. There are always a few on MN who just get a kick out of making bitchy remarks.

jannier · 18/12/2023 14:38

Is it that they get help because they have young children and you dont, so have more time to do things yourself?

Chipsahoyagain · 18/12/2023 14:39

I think it's just down to the GC tbh. Do you have any DC with your dh ? I was the first in my family to have DC and my dps doted on them much to the exclusion of everyone else. Thankfully no one made a fuss but it was clearly because we had dc. Then when the others had dc it evened out. They know your dh have their own GP's so probably don't feel the need to extend themselves further when they could spend the time with their own GC. As long as they are kind to them, is it worth cutting them off?

TooManyPlatesInMotion · 18/12/2023 14:45

Yes, I can see why this is hurtful. Have they always treated their children differently? Eg my Mum is a frequent visitor to the city that both me and my sister live in, but she never visits me. Only my sister. Doesn't even tell me she's in town. So I do get it, and in my own case it stems from childhood. It's always been like this. So, I wonder if your partner can shed any further light on the dynamic?

Original poster
CoralGraceRow · 18/12/2023 14:47

I wish it was just because of the GC. Although I’m aware the visiting is possibly mostly because of the GC and for that I don’t blame them. I just wish a few times a year they made an effort to come to us so I could say my in laws had seen our house and actually know where we live!

However the help for example with big jobs is jobs that the family have skills in. Our house needs loads of work but we just can’t afford to outsource it all so it remains undone, and despite partner asking a couple of times for family help with a project or two (and then saying they don’t have time etc.) there’s not the same level of help and support.

I feel for my partner too because it’s not only upsetting for me, yet despite a couple of honest conversations about it nothing changes and we just slip back into being the ones who put effort in.

I’m at the stage in my life where I feel relationships should be a two way street and if this was anyone else I wouldn’t do what I do. I wouldn’t want to cut them off, but I do resent making the effort when it’s not reciprocated.

OP posts:
Original poster
CoralGraceRow · 18/12/2023 14:52

For those asking no we do not have children together, and both my partner and BIL seem loved by their parents although there does seem to be a bit of favouritism that goes back to childhood (one parent favoured partner and the other BIL from what I can tell!)

OP posts:
ChateauDuMont · 18/12/2023 14:58

Oh dear! They spend more time with your brother and sister in law because they sound easy going.

You sound very self centred and hard work.

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