AIBU to be upset and to limit contact with in laws?

[CoralGraceRow]

So I should start this by saying my in laws are lovely people and we get on well. I enjoy their company.

However, we live a 20-25 minute drive away and they have visited us at our house once. We are welcome to their house any time and expected to visit them. On the other hand my BIL and SIL live 5-10 minutes drive away from PIL and PIL visit them often. I know this is because they have kids (PIL grandkids). PIL dote on them. I have kids from a previous relationship and while PIL are good to them, they were older when they became a part of their lives and so the relationship just isn’t there. They already have grandparents and as teenagers are more interested in spending time with friends. This isn’t a problem and is no one’s ‘fault’ it’s just is what it is. We won’t be having any additional children.

Alongside visits to BIL/SIL house PIL take them to appointments and drive them all over. However the excuse for not visiting us is we are too far away and they have lost confidence driving/don’t like to drive far. One of the places they take them is 10 minutes away from our house.

I just don’t feel like I’m a proper part of the family. SIL has everyone’s numbers (extended family) and they have hers. Extended family have completed lots of jobs at BIL/SIL house and helped them a lot. We just haven’t had the same and it does upset me. We mention needing things doing and there’s no offer of help, but extended family spent a large part of the summer at BIL/SIL house doing all sorts. I try to not let it bother me but it’s getting to the point that I feel it’s so unfair and now SIL has a new baby on the way I know this will make matters worse and make me feel even more annoyed and upset about the whole situation.

AIBU to limit contact and just visit on special occasions?

Sometimes, adjusting our own expectations is the best way to cope with feelings of disappointment. Accept the relationship for what it is - instead of what you want it to be - and move on. Are there other relationships you could focus on instead? I'm not close with my mother-in-law, so nurturing relationships with DH's aunts instead has helped me feel part of the family.

I completely understand how you feel OP, we have a very similar situation with my in laws! My DH has an older brother who is still very much their baby, despite being in his 30’s! His family attended our wedding for a grand total of 3 hours (stayed for service and wedding breakfast then all swiftly left, despite DH telling them how important it was to him that they stay for first dance), we are now expecting our first baby, will be the first grandchild on both sides, and his parents haven’t once asked how we are doing or how the pregnancy is going. The expectation is always that we go to them, they will very rarely come to us etc. But of course for BIL they rally round, they take him to and from work, he very recently got his friend-with-benefits pregnant (she’s 6 weeks pregnant and they have never met the girl yet) and they rushed out to buy baby grows and bibs as “so excited to be grandparents”, yet when we told them our news we got “well its still early anything could happen” and they haven’t bought a single thing for our baby due in March (which is absolutely fine, but upsetting for DH to see they rushed straight out for his brother in comparison)🤣!

It is upsetting but as I always say to DH, once you just accept people for who they are they can’t disappoint you. We know now that his parents are “christmas and birthday card parents”, they’re not “we need help with xyz” or “how can we help” parents. They’re an occasional text rather than always at the end of the phone. It has taken years for DH to understand and accept this but you can’t change how people are or force a certain relationship sadly, you have to just take people as you find them and set your own boundaries to protect your feelings as needed. So in your case, if they never come to you, then okay fine, you don’t have to argue or create any drama, but it’s just a simple “we have travelled to your house x times now, we’d love to see you more regularly but if we can’t alternate travel then unfortunately it will have to be every x”. Put the ball in their court and just (as best you can) try not to take it personally x

@ChateauDuMont I can assure you I’m not. It’s not self-centred to admit a relationship and what you are/are not getting out of it is hurtful. We all feel emotions and I will not feel shame for mine, however as an adult I behave very well around my PIL and all the family, I am warm and chatty and welcoming.

There have been some wonderful and very welcome insights from others so far so thank you for that!

Extended family are more likely to visit your BIL/SIL as they have the family grandchildren / continuing the family line (who are also young and more exciting). Furthermore SIL is pregnant so probably would have more sympathy and help extended.

You and your DH would probably not be seen as exciting or as in need of help. I think it is understandable that you would be expected to drive to see your in laws, and help them, rather than the other way around.

They may also resent you for depriving your DH of biological children (and bringing an unrelated child of your own into your marriage)….although that is a long stretch and I apologise if I am projecting.

They are naturally going to spend more time with the dc who have their grandchildren. Its just the way it is and reducing contact is cutting your nose off to spite your face.

Genuinely, where did you get this from? I’m not getting that at all from ops posts, it really seems like a few people are trying their very best to make her look bad when she seems pretty reasonable imo.

They may worry more about BIL and SIL and think that you and dh have got yourselves sorted and therefore don’t need as much help. My MIL spends far more time with my BIL and SIL but that is largely because their marriage is not particularly stable and they are constantly in debt, SIL had a nervous breakdown a few years ago.
it used to upset me, but doesn’t anymore . Definitely not worth upsetting the Apple cart. They are nice enough and I’m happy with that.

So you've asked them for help with big projects on house renovation in their professional field, but want the work doing for free?
You're cheeky fuckers, no wonder they've told you they don't have time!
As for the in-laws, if they're not fond of driving long distances, then they don't want/aren't comfortable driving to you.

@AlmostAJillSandwich you've made certain assumptions and been very rude. Not once did I mention ‘big projects on house renovations’ or that anything was expected for free. Or that it was their professional field. Just that they have certain skills (acquired from helping family out and doing their own projects over the years).

BIL and SIL have had family round doing lots of ‘big projects’. For free. I’m not entitled nor do I expect I was simply showing how unequal the treatment is. I can and do do most things myself, and as I mentioned I always offer to help PIL within my skill set. I was simply explaining that partner has asked for help in the past and they haven’t rushed round to help out as they do with BIL, as pp had mentioned that maybe they were unaware we could do with a bit of help at times.

As for the driving, they get close to our house for appointments or to shop so I didn’t think an extra 5 minute drive would be out of the realm of possibility once in a while. The driving comments feel very much like excuses given they drive all over.

I don't think you've read the OP's posts properly.

Jesus!

That isn't what the OP means at all!

As is very clear in her posts

@AlmostAJillSandwich have you read the op's posts properly or do you just enjoy sticking the boot in? She has not conveyed what you are saying at all fgs 🙄