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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to see her on New Years?

55 replies

SleepyHollowed84 · 18/12/2023 12:08

I lived in a flatshare with three friends. I did something a year ago which upset two of them. Granted, it was a huge mistake on my part, and I tried to rectify the situation without success. A month ago they suggested it would be better if I found somewhere else to live because our friendship has broken down due to my mistake. I agreed and moved out.

I have another friend, let's call her Amy. Me and Amy were very close. However she has chosen to move into my old flat with my previous three friends. I feel like this is a huge betrayal and I no longer feel welcome in that flat. I know I caused the mistake originally but I would have expected Amy to be loyal to me and not move in with the people who kicked me out. I have expressed this to Amy and she says she had a right to move into my old room because she was getting away from an unsafe living situation.

Amy and I have another friend, Meg, who is flying over from Aus to spend Christmas and NYE with all of us. I have made it clear that I am happy to spend time in a group with Amy and be civil, but I do not want to spend NYE with her. I am hurt by what she has done and I have made it clear that I want to spend NYE with Meg. Amy is obviously not happy with this and thinks we should bury the hatchet for Meg's sake and all spend NYE together, but I can't get over the fact that I feel so betrayed.

AIBU to refuse to spend NYE with Amy and insist that she takes a step back so me and Meg can spend NYE together?

OP posts:
restingrichface · 18/12/2023 12:12

YABU. All of this was your fault and instead of working to fix the relationships, you're demanding others move their lives around for you.

I can understand how you feel a bit betrayed but she needed a place to live and you all (used) to be friends so why not?

Shefliesonherownwings · 18/12/2023 12:12

Surely it’s up to Meg who she wants to spend NYE with not you. Also you can’t tell people who they should live with. It’s fine not to go to that flat but I think you’re being unfair to Amy and Meg to be honest.

Ohtobetwentytwo · 18/12/2023 12:15

Totally unreasonable to expect to monopolise megs time on NYE. it's a party night to boot.

You were out of line wih Amy moving into your old flat share and I'm surprised shes still talking to you tbh. You need to seriously change your behaviour.

AuntMarch · 18/12/2023 12:16

If you are the one unhappy to be together, you are the one that should step away.

LenaLamont · 18/12/2023 12:18

You think you can dictate to Amy about where she can live, based on fights you yourself caused? Christ on a bike, OP, that's insanely unreasonable.

So now you've fallen out with your former flatmates who used to be friends, you're frosty with Amy and you think you can dictate to Meg who she sees on her trip home based on your insanely unreasonable concept of loyalty?

At this rate you'll have no friends left by Jan 1st.

Get over yourself, apologise to Amy for being an arse, go out and celebrate with them both.

sandrapinchedmysandwich · 18/12/2023 12:21

LenaLamont · 18/12/2023 12:18

You think you can dictate to Amy about where she can live, based on fights you yourself caused? Christ on a bike, OP, that's insanely unreasonable.

So now you've fallen out with your former flatmates who used to be friends, you're frosty with Amy and you think you can dictate to Meg who she sees on her trip home based on your insanely unreasonable concept of loyalty?

At this rate you'll have no friends left by Jan 1st.

Get over yourself, apologise to Amy for being an arse, go out and celebrate with them both.

This. Stop making everything about you all the time

Wishimaywishimight · 18/12/2023 12:24

You are being ridiculous and self-centred. Suck it up, spend time with both friends and don't ruin Meg's visit. You sound really childish - 'betrayal' my arse. Amy is an adult and perfectly entitled to live wherever she wishes.

Alarum · 18/12/2023 12:24

You’re (very) unreasonable. However, I think your problem will solve itself because at this rate you won’t have any friends left.

You don’t own your friends. You don’t get to tell them where to live, or who to be friends with, if the root cause is fights with others that you caused.

This is all very playground.

I strongly recommend you take a step back, and think careful about how you’re going about all this.

idontlikealdi · 18/12/2023 12:25

You are so unreasonable, and immature.

MrsSkylerWhite · 18/12/2023 12:26

Wishimaywishimight · Today 12:24
**
You are being ridiculous and self-centred. Suck it up, spend time with both friends and don't ruin Meg's visit. You sound really childish - 'betrayal' my arse. Amy is an adult and perfectly entitled to live wherever she wishes”

This. Your mistake must have been pretty dire to upset people so much. You reap what you sow I’m afraid.

Stupidliefromfriend · 18/12/2023 12:34

I know it's not really the point but what was the 'mistake'? It's not clear why you feel you were unfairly treated by the others - was their reaction disproportionate? I know in my youth we took an unyielding stance on a girl who treated our male friend badly. I met up with her recently and had to reflect internally and admit to myself that our extreme outrage was a bit of an excuse because she was really annoying and we couldn't stand her. But we let her believe (and lied to ourselves) that we were taking the moral high ground.

If you feel this has happened to you then I see why you're hurt by Amy's decision to move in. But if their reaction is warranted then honestly you've brought it all on yourself and should not be involving Amy.

Regardless, given Amy is willing to bury the hatchet for Meg's sake then you should follow suit. It would be wildly unfair to make Meg suffer after a long haul trip like that.

RatatouillePie · 18/12/2023 12:36

YABU!

You are being very self-centred and need to try and see things from other people's point of view rather than your ME ME ME attitude.

You f*cked up and therefore things changed and likely won't go back to how things were.

As for Amy, then if she had an unsafe living situation, it made perfect sense for her to move into a room where there are 3 nice people. You are putting your own f*ck up before your friends safety!

And if Amy wants to spend NYE with Meg, then I suggest you find some other friends to spend NYE with.

JimBeamCoke · 18/12/2023 12:37

Based on the attitude you have to your friends then the mistake you must have made that you took full responsibility for and agree warranted you moving out must have been very serious. Why would Amy require to back you 100% in the mistake you made? It sounds like she needed the room and has been mature about it by trying to move on for everyone’s benefit. Unless you agree to move on I could imagine Amy and Meg will go out at NYE and have fun whilst you sulk.

LenaLamont · 18/12/2023 12:42

Let's be honest, we all want to know what the mistake was! How did you mess up friendships so profoundly that you aren't welcome to even visit the flat to see Amy?

(It's sheer prurience on my part, I admit. OP's attitude to her mates is so unreasonable I doubt anything is recoverable at this point)

mrsm43s · 18/12/2023 12:46

If you carry on being so unreasonable and controlling then Meg won't want to spend NYE with you either!

It's very clear, even when written from your POV (assuming it's not a reverse) that YOU are the problem here.

Foxblue · 18/12/2023 12:51

I think Amy getting out of an unsafe living situation trumps the way you feel about her moving in with people who even you agree rightfully kicked you out...
Like, if she's your friend, surely you should just be grateful that she's safe?!?
This has to be a reverse.

FrostieBoabby · 18/12/2023 12:59

(Reverse? Are you Amy?)

YABU and acting like a child.

Original poster
SleepyHollowed84 · 18/12/2023 13:06

Thank you for all your replies.

My mistake was that I was seeing a guy who did something sh*tty and kept inviting him round to our flat even though my flatmates were uncomfortable and expressed that they did not want him in the house (for legitimate reason). I realise now that this was wrong.

Noted that maybe I need to get over it for NYE but I feel incredibly ganged up on and I'm upset that Amy is siding with my old flatmates. She could've chosen to live anywhere but instead has chosen to live with them. Is that not unfair on me?

OP posts:
Shefliesonherownwings · 18/12/2023 13:12

SleepyHollowed84 · 18/12/2023 13:06

Thank you for all your replies.

My mistake was that I was seeing a guy who did something sh*tty and kept inviting him round to our flat even though my flatmates were uncomfortable and expressed that they did not want him in the house (for legitimate reason). I realise now that this was wrong.

Noted that maybe I need to get over it for NYE but I feel incredibly ganged up on and I'm upset that Amy is siding with my old flatmates. She could've chosen to live anywhere but instead has chosen to live with them. Is that not unfair on me?

In a word, no. It’s not all about you! She sounds like she needed to get out quickly and she went somewhere that was available. That happened to be your old flat. It’s not some targeted slight against you, stop being so self centred. You need to get over it and start working on keeping the friends you still have.

Pinkdelight3 · 18/12/2023 13:12

You're determined to cast yourself as the victim even though you know from the shitty guy incident that you have thick skin and are a poor judge. Rather than feeling ganged up on, try imagining that if all these other people who were/are you friends all like each other and are on the same page on this, it's you who's in the wrong. It's not a matter of someone having to be loyal to you. They have their own minds and their own angles to consider. You are only thinking about yourself, like you were when you inflicted the guy on them. Learn from that mistake and be a more perceptive person rather than causing more problems for people who haven't done anything wrong. (And however you frame it, Amy needed a place to stay, liked your old flat and old flatmates and had no beef with them. It's your friendship that broke down because of what you did, nothing to do with her.)

LadyDanburysHat · 18/12/2023 13:13

YABU, and you really need to grow up. If you cant handle being around Amy then you dip out of NY.

Inkyblue123 · 18/12/2023 13:17

Grow up and take ownership of your actions. Stop blaming other people for the consequences of your own actions. TBH you sound like a massive pain in the arse and I am surprised any of them give you the time of day.

TinselTitts · 18/12/2023 13:19

YABU and very self centered.

Amy has a right to move in there where she's safe and let's face it, it was your mistake that led to you moving out anyway.

Meg is a woman, not a possession and both she and Amy can make whatever arrangements they want.

Alarum · 18/12/2023 13:22

You’ve been big enough to accept that what you did in respect of your flatmates was wrong, and that’s fine, everyone makes mistakes from time to time. It’s already lost you two friends and a place to live, don’t escalate it and lose two more. Box it off as best you can and move on.

OrigamiOwl · 18/12/2023 13:27

You don't get to dictate who your friend spends new years with.

You are not the main character.

You are in danger of alienating more of your friends if you carry on.

If Amy was in an unsafe living situation then really is a good thing she moved into your old room. Would you preferred she stayed in an unsafe situation to spare your feelings over a situation you created.

Although I'm putting in an early call that this is a reverse.