Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to see her on New Years?

55 replies

SleepyHollowed84 · 18/12/2023 12:08

I lived in a flatshare with three friends. I did something a year ago which upset two of them. Granted, it was a huge mistake on my part, and I tried to rectify the situation without success. A month ago they suggested it would be better if I found somewhere else to live because our friendship has broken down due to my mistake. I agreed and moved out.

I have another friend, let's call her Amy. Me and Amy were very close. However she has chosen to move into my old flat with my previous three friends. I feel like this is a huge betrayal and I no longer feel welcome in that flat. I know I caused the mistake originally but I would have expected Amy to be loyal to me and not move in with the people who kicked me out. I have expressed this to Amy and she says she had a right to move into my old room because she was getting away from an unsafe living situation.

Amy and I have another friend, Meg, who is flying over from Aus to spend Christmas and NYE with all of us. I have made it clear that I am happy to spend time in a group with Amy and be civil, but I do not want to spend NYE with her. I am hurt by what she has done and I have made it clear that I want to spend NYE with Meg. Amy is obviously not happy with this and thinks we should bury the hatchet for Meg's sake and all spend NYE together, but I can't get over the fact that I feel so betrayed.

AIBU to refuse to spend NYE with Amy and insist that she takes a step back so me and Meg can spend NYE together?

OP posts:
2mummies1baby · 18/12/2023 13:30

Amy is siding with your flatmates because you did something awful and they are entirely innocent. It's not remotely unfair on you. In Amy's position, I would absolutely have ditched you as a friend.

I have been in the position your flatmates were in and it was horrific. You clearly haven't learned anything from the situation.

craigth162 · 18/12/2023 13:32

Grow up

TinselTitts · 18/12/2023 13:37

Although I'm putting in an early call that this is a reverse.

It certainly sounds like one.

Whataretheodds · 18/12/2023 13:40

As someone who took the high ground with a friendship fallout and 15 years later wonders what the big deal was, seriously, get over yourself, remember the things you like about Amy and the others, and have a good time.

If you then want to withdraw from your friendship that's fine but don't make it a "I'm right, she's wrong" situation

LouMorris · 18/12/2023 13:40

Yeah YABU, as others have said, you’re not the victim here. Amy has done nothing wrong, from your description the only one who has, is you

Gillypie23 · 18/12/2023 13:44

You're behaving like a child. You can't dictate who Meg spends time with. Especially since you started all this in the first place.

Quitelikeit · 18/12/2023 13:47

Oh dear. We all have a blind spot and yours is being communicated to you beautifully on this forum.

You are in the wrong I’m afraid. On many levels.

I suspect your friends would have been more forgiving towards you if your attitude had not been as it is.

So you friend was escaping abuse? That trumps you everytime - are you really so dumb and self centred? Your BF did something so bad your Flatmate a hated him yet you did not respect their boundaries and continued to please yourself

If you do anything go and mop up your mess with all of the girls otherwise I suspect (as someone has already pointed out) you won’t have any friends to spend NYE with!

PastelHouses · 18/12/2023 13:53

This reply has been deleted

This is a goady troll so we've removed their posts.

LadyBird1973 · 18/12/2023 13:56

Firstly I'm going to say well done on telling us the cause of the falling out. I hate it when OPs only tell half of the story and refuse to disclose what they did to cause the situation they are in. It makes it hard to advise. Also I am nosy and wanted you to know!

I think if Amy was friends either your former flatmates independently of you, then it was okay for her to move in with them. Particularly if she needed to move quickly. I get that removing herself from a dangerous situation quickly was her priority.
But if she only knew them through you or they weren't her friends, then I get why you'd feel betrayed. From your description though, I think you were all friends and you are expecting her to choose you over them. Why do you think she ought to do this?

Re Meg. Again, you can't expect her to choose you over the majority. My advice is to sincerely apologise to everyone, admit that you couldn't see the wood for the trees wrt the man situation and now he is gone and you've had the benefit of distance, you completely understand their pov and are genuinely sorry. A sincere apology goes a long way. And stop trying to make them all choose - you will lose.

Now, the caveat to the above is apologise only if you really mean it, otherwise it doesn't count. But if you don't mean it, my advice is to make new friends and start again somewhere else.

AngelontopoftheTree · 18/12/2023 13:59

You sound incredibly immature. You need to grow up and realise the world does not revolve around you.

Panicking23 · 18/12/2023 13:59

SleepyHollowed84 · 18/12/2023 13:06

Thank you for all your replies.

My mistake was that I was seeing a guy who did something sh*tty and kept inviting him round to our flat even though my flatmates were uncomfortable and expressed that they did not want him in the house (for legitimate reason). I realise now that this was wrong.

Noted that maybe I need to get over it for NYE but I feel incredibly ganged up on and I'm upset that Amy is siding with my old flatmates. She could've chosen to live anywhere but instead has chosen to live with them. Is that not unfair on me?

Seemingly no one has actually fallen out with you, it just sounds like living together wasn't working when you've brought someone unsafe into their living space after being asked not to. You're not being ganged up on, everyone else is continuing with their lives like adults. I think your embarrassment at your own behaviour is making you feel this way when you could all still be friends.

It's not that easy to find somewhere to live and sounds like Amy was maybe in a difficult situation where living with people she knows would be preferable to a flat share with strangers while she felt vulnerable.

Crazycrazylady · 18/12/2023 14:15

SleepyHollowed84 · 18/12/2023 13:06

Thank you for all your replies.

My mistake was that I was seeing a guy who did something sh*tty and kept inviting him round to our flat even though my flatmates were uncomfortable and expressed that they did not want him in the house (for legitimate reason). I realise now that this was wrong.

Noted that maybe I need to get over it for NYE but I feel incredibly ganged up on and I'm upset that Amy is siding with my old flatmates. She could've chosen to live anywhere but instead has chosen to live with them. Is that not unfair on me?

No it was not unfair on you!
Amy had to move from a difficult situation and was offered a place with two friends of similar ages who had a room.. Christ not everything is all about you.

ilovesooty · 18/12/2023 14:21

The only person in the scenario who caused upset or did anything wrong is you.

You'll have no friends left at this rate.

DisforDarkChocolate · 18/12/2023 14:21

The only person who has acted unfairly here is you, and it's worrying that you don't see it.

I think you should invest in some time with a counsellor because you obviously still think you were treated badly by your friends when everyone else thinks they are being generous to keep in touch at all.

jemenfous37 · 18/12/2023 14:51

Gosh, children are renting flats now..

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 18/12/2023 14:59

I couldn't possibly comment unless you tell us EXACTLY what happened.

LlynTegid · 18/12/2023 15:24

Unreasonable to criticise someone for escaping an unsafe situation in my opinion, even if not in an ideal way.

LittleGreenDragons · 18/12/2023 15:30

My mistake was that I was seeing a guy who did something shtty and kept inviting him round to our flat even though my flatmates were uncomfortable and expressed that they did not want him in the house

You prioritised a man over your friends. So now your friends prioritise each other over you. Karma can be a real bitch sometimes.

SausageChopsBellyFlops · 18/12/2023 15:31

You're in the wrong, expecting someone to side with you despite being in the wrong, and now issuing ultimatums to try and control others.

If you don't settle down you'll likely be spending NYE by yourself.

StrictlyComeSnoozing · 18/12/2023 15:36

You need to grow the fuck up.

You put yourself above your friends feelings and continued a behaviour that you knew made them feel uncomfortable in their own home. You lose any right to have any say on who lives there after you left. Amy has every right to dislike your behaviour, and has been quite sensible in suggesting you both meet up with Meg for NYE, assuming it's what Meg wants.

But continue as you are and you'll definitely not have any friends left to try and manipulate into dancing to the beat of your drum.

Possumzilla · 18/12/2023 15:47

If you weren't at fault, you'd have put what the "mistake" was.

Ejismyf · 18/12/2023 15:56

What did the guy do? Its a bit strange it took them so long to ask you to move out if it happened last year, just at the right time when Amy needed to move. It foes sound like it was all construed to be honest but if they are all friends with Amy who was in an unsafe situation I can understand why they had sympathy for her when you'd also put them in a similar situation and the friendships never recovered. You either need to bury the hatchet or bail out.

I'm hoping by the 1984 in your name you're not a year older than me as this is all incredibly juvenile behaviour, if you are.

momonpurpose · 18/12/2023 16:03

I think you might need to realize apologizing does not mean they will forgive you. You can't tell people who or who not to be friends with.

momonpurpose · 18/12/2023 16:06

Ejismyf · 18/12/2023 15:56

What did the guy do? Its a bit strange it took them so long to ask you to move out if it happened last year, just at the right time when Amy needed to move. It foes sound like it was all construed to be honest but if they are all friends with Amy who was in an unsafe situation I can understand why they had sympathy for her when you'd also put them in a similar situation and the friendships never recovered. You either need to bury the hatchet or bail out.

I'm hoping by the 1984 in your name you're not a year older than me as this is all incredibly juvenile behaviour, if you are.

I was thinking this too. A similar thing happened to me when a friend brought a very unsafe person to our hotel room on holiday. She apologized bit the friendship was over. However we were both 21.

zingally · 18/12/2023 16:41

This is called "the consequences of our actions".

The whole thing is very playground drama.