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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tell me I'm being unreasonable. Get me into gear

49 replies

WhimsicalMoth · 18/12/2023 11:20

Going to try and keep this as short as I can.
Backstory - I am early 20s. Been with my partner for 6 years. We had a child early on in life, my partner has worked full time from a very early age to support us. I have never worked (I know how fortunate I am for being in this position) And I've been lucky enough to be able to stay home with our child whilst he works. This has been the setup the last 5 ish years.
Partner is getting increasingly stressed with the weight of being sole provider of the family - understandably.
Child has just started school, I have said for a while that come the new year I will start looking for a job. I've said I will enjoy the last few months of the year from sept- start of Jan before job hunting (again.. I know i am fortunate to be able to say this) This has been the plan for a while.
FWIW - I do all of the housework, and my partner works. Thats the setup. I do a bit of domestic cleaning and earn a couple hundred a month. But this is not a "job" or "income" really.
Fast forward to today, my partner has told me he is sick of me being a slob - and that I am to find work by February otherwise he is leaving me.
I understand he is stressed, which is why we said I will find work in the new year to ease the pressure on him.
Am I being unreasonable to be upset by this comment he made ?

OP posts:
Iwishiwasasilentnight · 18/12/2023 11:25

A bit of both. He should have talked to you in September rather than letting this build up. Do you understand how your family finances look?

Do you want to build up cleaning into a bigger business or look for another job?

Catza · 18/12/2023 11:26

It's not OK for him to say it to you but it is also not OK for you to openly say you will "enjoy the last few months of the year". The child is at school and your husband is under pressure to provide as you yourself said. When is his time to enjoy a few months?
I would start looking for a job now and also speak to him about household arrangements going forward just in case he still expects you to do all the chores.

Original poster
WhimsicalMoth · 18/12/2023 11:28

Iwishiwasasilentnight · 18/12/2023 11:25

A bit of both. He should have talked to you in September rather than letting this build up. Do you understand how your family finances look?

Do you want to build up cleaning into a bigger business or look for another job?

We have spoken about this a number of times and we both were happy with the setup really. I understand our finances and outgoings. We would ideally like to be able to save more each month and have a bit more disposable.
We rent at the moment and need a bigger space, so need to save for that also.
I would happily branch out with cleaning - I really do enjoy it.

OP posts:
CornishPorsche · 18/12/2023 11:29

Well you are earning some money at the moment - can you increase this to a full time job or at least more hours?

However he has a point if you're resting on your laurels for 3 months while he's stressed and panicking about money. Why did you decide to wait until the New Year? Are you looking yet for jobs?

Is the house a mess? Are you a slob?

Original poster
WhimsicalMoth · 18/12/2023 11:30

Catza · 18/12/2023 11:26

It's not OK for him to say it to you but it is also not OK for you to openly say you will "enjoy the last few months of the year". The child is at school and your husband is under pressure to provide as you yourself said. When is his time to enjoy a few months?
I would start looking for a job now and also speak to him about household arrangements going forward just in case he still expects you to do all the chores.

Thank you for the honest response.
I completely understand your point with me saying I will enjoy my last few months of the year.
I have honestly felt very guilty for a long time, about not working. Even before we decided I should.
I think I am a little scared really, as it's something ive never done before.

OP posts:
OrigamiOwl · 18/12/2023 11:30

It's not reasonable how he's phrased it, but it's not really reasonable that you've getting to "enjoy the last few months of the year" while he's working to provide.
Once you get a job things will have to change and he'll need to pull his weight around the house.

TinselTitts · 18/12/2023 11:32

WhimsicalMoth · 18/12/2023 11:28

We have spoken about this a number of times and we both were happy with the setup really. I understand our finances and outgoings. We would ideally like to be able to save more each month and have a bit more disposable.
We rent at the moment and need a bigger space, so need to save for that also.
I would happily branch out with cleaning - I really do enjoy it.

Show quote history

If he's stressed and you need to ease the pressure, the chances are your finances are a lot worse than you're either willing to accept, or he's told you about.

You don't threaten to leave someone just because you'd like a bit more disposable income and a bigger home.

But you do sound rather 'easy come, easy go' about it. Why not get a job now instead of 'enjoying yourself'?

Original poster
WhimsicalMoth · 18/12/2023 11:32

CornishPorsche · 18/12/2023 11:29

Well you are earning some money at the moment - can you increase this to a full time job or at least more hours?

However he has a point if you're resting on your laurels for 3 months while he's stressed and panicking about money. Why did you decide to wait until the New Year? Are you looking yet for jobs?

Is the house a mess? Are you a slob?

I would happily branch this out, but I don't know where to start. I clean for people I know - so I wouldn't know how to go into full self employed domestic cleaning. But I'd happily do so if I knew how.
I do understand how stressed he is (as much as I can without having experienced it myself)
The house is not a mess - it's always clean and tidy, I pride myself on how well I keep our home. Certainly not a slob. I think that was just a backhanded comment amidst the stress of the conversation

OP posts:
IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 18/12/2023 11:33

I would start looking for a job now and have something set up for the new year. It's very lucky to be able to enjoy the last few months of the year but he could have also spoke to you before now.

DiddyHeck · 18/12/2023 11:34

I can't believe you've described yourself as 'lucky' that you're in your twenties and you've never worked.

What's 'lucky' about that?

Original poster
WhimsicalMoth · 18/12/2023 11:35

@TinselTitts the reason I've said I will start come January, is because his job can be very difficult in terms of what days he works etc. and I will only be able to do school hours, term time.
He works random days and it's always changing. No set pattern. And he works nights.
So I said I will start looking once our child goes back to school after Xmas holidays.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhimsicalMoth · 18/12/2023 11:36

DiddyHeck · 18/12/2023 11:34

I can't believe you've described yourself as 'lucky' that you're in your twenties and you've never worked.

What's 'lucky' about that?

It was a disclaimer as I knew otherwise I'd be completely and utterly flamed by those who have no choice but to work.
I don't think a lot of people would choose to do their job , my partner certainly wouldn't. So in a way it is lucky that I've never had to work.

OP posts:
Catza · 18/12/2023 11:36

WhimsicalMoth · 18/12/2023 11:32

I would happily branch this out, but I don't know where to start. I clean for people I know - so I wouldn't know how to go into full self employed domestic cleaning. But I'd happily do so if I knew how.
I do understand how stressed he is (as much as I can without having experienced it myself)
The house is not a mess - it's always clean and tidy, I pride myself on how well I keep our home. Certainly not a slob. I think that was just a backhanded comment amidst the stress of the conversation

Show quote history

You have two routes.

  1. Register as self-employed. Advertise your services in the cleaner directories online and locally.
  2. Find a post at a cleaning agency.

There is plethora of information online. Saying you don't know how to get started is a pretty poor excuse.

I appreciate it is very hard to enter the workforce after lifetime of being unemployed but you do need to start somewhere to build the confidence.

ETA: if you are in Bristol area, I am desperate for a cleaner 😉

ChannelyourinnerElsa · 18/12/2023 11:37

right. So you don’t want to look until the new year?? If you want to start in the new year, you have to be looking and organising now!

if you haven’t ever worked formally, you are unlikely to waltz straight into a job on January 3rd. What preparations have you put in place?

Iwishiwasasilentnight · 18/12/2023 11:37

WhimsicalMoth · 18/12/2023 11:32

I would happily branch this out, but I don't know where to start. I clean for people I know - so I wouldn't know how to go into full self employed domestic cleaning. But I'd happily do so if I knew how.
I do understand how stressed he is (as much as I can without having experienced it myself)
The house is not a mess - it's always clean and tidy, I pride myself on how well I keep our home. Certainly not a slob. I think that was just a backhanded comment amidst the stress of the conversation

Show quote history

You would be setting up a small business and your local council probably has advisors who can help.

ChannelyourinnerElsa · 18/12/2023 11:38

Also- you say partner?! You aren’t married?? You are VERY vulnerable. I don’t want to frighten you, but this should be a huge wake up call.

Original poster
WhimsicalMoth · 18/12/2023 11:39

ChannelyourinnerElsa · 18/12/2023 11:38

Also- you say partner?! You aren’t married?? You are VERY vulnerable. I don’t want to frighten you, but this should be a huge wake up call.

Yes we are not married. I am very aware this is quite the position to be In... if we were to split, I would be screwed. And it goes through my mind a lot.

OP posts:
Aprilx · 18/12/2023 11:40

DiddyHeck · 18/12/2023 11:34

I can't believe you've described yourself as 'lucky' that you're in your twenties and you've never worked.

What's 'lucky' about that?

I was coming on to say exactly the same thing as that was the comment that stood out most to me. It isn’t lucky OP, it is at best sad and depressing and at worst absolutely disgraceful.

I am not surprised your partner has had enough of you being idle, but do you know what, don’t do it for him, get into work for yourself.

BrownTableMat · 18/12/2023 11:40

OP, you come across as bright and articulate. What’s stopping you from
googling how to set up your own cleaning business?

Original poster
WhimsicalMoth · 18/12/2023 11:41

ChannelyourinnerElsa · 18/12/2023 11:37

right. So you don’t want to look until the new year?? If you want to start in the new year, you have to be looking and organising now!

if you haven’t ever worked formally, you are unlikely to waltz straight into a job on January 3rd. What preparations have you put in place?

I have been burying my head in the sand about this I think (I know). I don't even know how to prepare.
If I've never worked, and dropped out of college to have my child - what on earth do I even put on a CV :(

OP posts:
Original poster
WhimsicalMoth · 18/12/2023 11:42

BrownTableMat · 18/12/2023 11:40

OP, you come across as bright and articulate. What’s stopping you from
googling how to set up your own cleaning business?

Thank you. I think it's the lack of knowledge and experience that is preventing me. I would love to - I just don't know how.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhimsicalMoth · 18/12/2023 11:43

@Aprilx - I really appreciate your honesty.
If you have a look back at my reply to the comment you quoted, you'll see why I said this.

OP posts:
Nicole1111 · 18/12/2023 11:44

He’s communicated poorly and shouldn’t be making threats but he sounds like he’s struggling with the current arrangements and is under a great deal of pressure and you’ve been insensitive to that while focusing on your needs to enjoy the rest of the year. I think when you start looking for a job it would also be a good time to think about how you can better support your partner emotionally.

Wisterical · 18/12/2023 11:46

It's not 'fortunate' never to have worked and to be living off someone else's wages. That's a ridiculous situation for a young woman to be in these days. You are financially vulnerable. Do you have any qualifications? You could increase your cleaning hours whilst getting yourself qualified for a career.

Spottywombat · 18/12/2023 11:46

Tonnes of info on starting your own business. You can get help too from local business support organisations.

Advertise on local social media, leaflets in shops, etc.

Get your partner on board about doing more at home. Don't end up cleaning 24/7.

I was a cleaner, I also have 2 degrees & have had a wide variety of jobs. Still my favourite job.

Pick your clients carefully. Make sure they pay you. Don't let debt build up.

Decide if you want to supply your own materials. Pick older people if you want tidying & dusting, pick stressed families if you prefer heavy cleaning.