Tell me I'm being unreasonable. Get me into gear

[WhimsicalMoth]

Going to try and keep this as short as I can.
Backstory - I am early 20s. Been with my partner for 6 years. We had a child early on in life, my partner has worked full time from a very early age to support us. I have never worked (I know how fortunate I am for being in this position) And I've been lucky enough to be able to stay home with our child whilst he works. This has been the setup the last 5 ish years.
Partner is getting increasingly stressed with the weight of being sole provider of the family - understandably.
Child has just started school, I have said for a while that come the new year I will start looking for a job. I've said I will enjoy the last few months of the year from sept- start of Jan before job hunting (again.. I know i am fortunate to be able to say this) This has been the plan for a while.
FWIW - I do all of the housework, and my partner works. Thats the setup. I do a bit of domestic cleaning and earn a couple hundred a month. But this is not a "job" or "income" really.
Fast forward to today, my partner has told me he is sick of me being a slob - and that I am to find work by February otherwise he is leaving me.
I understand he is stressed, which is why we said I will find work in the new year to ease the pressure on him.
Am I being unreasonable to be upset by this comment he made ?

I haven’t been in your position and don’t know if this is helpful, but I believe that if you contact your local Job Centre they should be able to help you with things like a CV, preparing for work:

https://jobhelp.campaign.gov.uk/jobcentre-plus-support/

Otherwise, sometimes local charities offer similar support - you could try looking to see what might be available in your area?

Pretty sure if you type how to start a cleaning business into YouTube, there will be a tutorial.

He shouldn't have called you a slob. But you are being unreasonable.

Being a SAHM is fine. A strange choice as an unmarried teen-to-twentysomething, in my honest opinion, but fine. But your child started school in September. You should have been job hunting in March. Failing that, now would have been the right time to get any work to put on a CV, as retail/service industry cry out for seasonal workers in December.

Anyway. Your local council should have schemes to get people into work, or at least CV writing and job interview advice. You could also use the Citizens Advice Bureau for advice on how to start your own cleaning business, if that's what you want. You'll need equipment to start with and good business insurance, so you might also want to look into small business loans. But get the council/CAB advice first.

But honestly... I would find a job with an employer first, to get used to working and build up some capital, before starting my own business. But that's just me.

I would happily branch this out, but I don't know where to start. I clean for people I know - so I wouldn't know how to go into full self employed domestic cleaning. But I'd happily do so if I knew how.

I'd suggest that, as a first step, you look into whether you could be taken on by a cleaning agency, so that they deal with all the admin.

Neither of you has acted brilliantly here. You have definitely had your head in the clouds.

If you are daunted by setting up your own business take a job with an already established cleaning company for a while.

You say you could only do school hours and term time but you do realise that most households of children have two working parents and you can’t have everything you want? I am not sure you should limit yourself like this as there are very few term time contracts outside schools and even then you would probably need some type of wrap around care.

Is there anything else besides cleaning you are interested in? What qualifications do you have from school.

Why don't you go back to college and start training for a career that will give you a decent income and security? You are at the beginning of your working life and can do anything you want with your life. It doesn't have to be restricted to school hours either as you can get wrap around childcare.

Maybe just me but this makes no sense....

Men don't atypicaly go from 'yeah that's fine ' ' I will leave you by x date' ...

Men rarely leave at all unless something else is at play 🤔

Either the conversations have been understood differently by you both or he's got something huge going on behind the scenes.

Regards to you cleaning business either self employed or employed by someone else can work beautifully around school hours. Self employed isn't that hard to set up if you have an existing client base but you'd need a little starter fund so you'd probably want to work for someone and stash away a start up fund. Work isn't that scary

Saying I don't know how, and doing nothing about remedying that is ridiculous.
Especially now your child is in school.
There are a gazillion how to guides online, you can ask someone who does similar, see if there are any courses at a local college, stop putting roadblocks up to yourself and get on with it.

Also January is when people get laid off from seasonal work. It's too late now but getting a Christmas temp job is an easy way to get back into the job market, which might be why your partner is so frustrated. A couple of months hospitality or retail work would have got you a reference and a bit of confidence.

Are you claiming UC? I assume not or you'd have been made to look for work earlier.

Contact the Job Centre / Universal Credit teams today and they can help you with things like CVs, interview practice and all sorts.

Personally if you've never worked I wouldn't be registering as self-employed immediately, you have to be quite on it and organised etc- which I'm sure you are but if you've never worked I would try to get this sorted first and get used to working with the security of a pension, national insurance contributions etc rather than self-employed. Just my 2 cents

OP, what's really coming across is that you're scared of taking the next (first!) step to the independent adult world. Its completely understandable that you feel like this but once you get started you'll find it's OK out there.
Increasing your cleaning clients sounds like a great idea to start bringing in some cash, but I'd strongly recommend looking for at least a few hours a week in 'real' employment or even volunteering. Having coworkers will give you a social circle and a formal work environment will let you start to build a CV and find out what job suits your tastes and talents.
Also, you mentioned dropping out of college for baby - that is a massive sacrifice that undoubtedly allowed your partner to move on in his career and will sadly be a blocker to you finding fulfilling well paid work. Sounds like it's time for him to make space for you to get back to evening classes...

OP you need to get your career going ASAP. You’re in a vulnerable position as it is. You’ve missed out on some key years to develop your career and you’re unmarried and in a partnership with a man who is threatening to leave.

Get cracking woman!

This!

Where I live cleaners are very in demand.

Have you clarified with your partner if he will be sharing the childcare evenly? Give you a proper run at a job? Fair enough your child is at school but who covers the holidays and any sickness (of which there is plenty ) and also housework should be split more evenly. Not just you adding a job to the housework and childcare.

You’re in your 20s and consider yourself “fortunate” and “lucky” for never having worked while your partner gets increasingly stressed about money? If he’s stressed, you can’t afford not to work.

What are you going to do if he leaves you? How will you support your child and yourself? Or do you expect the state/taxpayers to fund a healthy 20 something year old woman who made the decision not to work?

Lots of great advice here on starting your own business or going back to school to get start in a career.

I think that comment is hurtful, but you definitely need to get into gear. You're young but need to start thinking about your pension, and you absolutely need to start getting some savings and financial independence. 2024 can absolutely be your year in this regards, so good luck - some good advice here!

OP, I find some of your replies very frustrating so can understand why your partner seems to have “snapped” and said what he did.
You’ve known for a long time you’d only be able to work school hours/term time or would have to sort childcare. It appears as though your child has started school and this is suddenly a new concept to you. You should have been thinking about this before your child started school if the plan was for you to start working then.
Also, on previous replies you’ve mentioned an interest in domestic cleaning but keep saying you don’t know how to branch out into it or set it up. You have to find this out for yourself! When I chose my career I had to look up what qualifications were required, how long the training would take, where I’d do this etc. No one gets these answers given to them, you have to take ownership, research and make a plan.
You seem to have taken no responsibility or initiative with any of this and then to top it off have decided yourself to take a few months this year to relax before you even contemplate doing anything to gain employment. Your partner may have been happy with the set up while your child was at home but it’s completely understandable that he’s not happy to support you now your child is at school and you’ve not got any actual tangible plans to get a job. Saying you’ll start looking in the new year is a piss take quite frankly!

You're not married? Gosh if he leaves you you are screwed.

Get to work asap. If you like and enjoy cleaning then there are loads of potenial jobs - working directly for private houses, agency work doing offices and retail premises, housekeeping in hospitals and hotels.

The good thing is it can be done often in the early mornkng or evening, leaving you free to study.

You have to address this situation as soo as possible, not only is it unfair on your partner to shoulder all the financial burden, you are very very financially vulnerable.

You absolutely can get a job that's not just school hours, that is what wrap around childcare is for. Most working parents need to use some paid for childcare. Get yourself a job in a supermarket or somewhere like that to get a job on your cv and start a pension. You can often get supermarket shofts that start and finish earlier, to do more school pick ups. I would bet that you haven't started a pension on a casual cleaning salary and you aren't married, so have no entitlement to your partners.

Consider a college course to start next September if you want to do a specific career. It is much easier to work and study around one child in school than baby/toddler stage.

Understandable you would be shaken by his comment. If it was out of character, maybe just one to put down to stress. Even if he agreed to your timescale, doesn't mean he isn't struggling. Hopefully you can talk it through.
Also, saw your other comments about working for first time... look into Prince's Trust. I think you could get loads of support to set up your own cleaning business.

Although your DH should not have called you a slob are threatened to leave you, I can totally see his frustration which probably caused the hurtful outburst.

You know he is very stressed financially supporting the family on his own but you've decided not to do anything about it till next year to 'enjoy' a few more months. You are not going to walk into a job first week of Jan, especially if you are looking for term time only, realistically it may take months to find something. In the meantime, you have made absolutely no effort in preparing a CV, checking the market etc. If I were your husband, I would think you are taking the piss. I would have been looking a month or two before your DC started school. It's really not fair on your husband. Yes, it is daunting to start work after 6 years but burying your head in the sand isn't going to do any favours for your relationship. Maybe he was trying to shake you out of it, not in a great way!
You need to pull your finger out and sit down and talk to your DH about the situation.

I think it's poor you're not being more proactive, but I also think that he's being a bit unpleasant. I'm also quite interested in how this lovely new well paying job is going to play out considering you will still be 100% responsible for childcare based on h is hours and, I'm assuming, maintaining your home ie cooking, cleaning, shopping etc?

when you are bringing in all this extra cash, is he going to be stepping up?

In the meantime, if you are already cleaning for people you know and enjoy it, that is the obvious way to go as it IS flexible and can be done around school hours. You might need to think about childcare in holidays though.

Start my letting all your current clients know that you are looking for more work as you are increasing your hours and if they can please recommend you - every cleaner I've ever had has come from a recommendation and I have, in turn, recommended them to other people. Then think about advertising on local Facebook groups or other places if you need to.

OP, if you happen to live anywhere near Carshalton, I will happily hire you to clean! I think getting a job as a cleaner/starting up your own cleaning business is absolutely your best bet, given your lack of qualifications and experience. As you do some already for people you know, you can use them as references. Good luck! X

@TheIsleOfTheLost exactly! Of course you can’t only work school hours and term time. You pay for childcare like the rest of us

I would consider expanding your cleaning service. It gives you a lot of flexibility and the pay can be very good. Make sure you do it properly though. Good luck. Work is good!