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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas Day with SIL

41 replies

jumpingjackrabbit · 18/12/2023 09:06

We usually take it in turns each Christmas to spend time with each family. Last year we had a lovely and relaxing Christmas at home with my parents. This year we are due to spend it with the in-laws. We don't see them very often and DD is very excited to be spending time with in-laws.

The problem is it means spending Christmas Day with SIL. For lots of reasons we do not have the best relationship. I find her rude, condescending and overbearing. Things have been said to me in the past which mean I now keep her at an arms length distance.

I can't not go but I am exhausted with SIL's behaviour and negativity that it always overspills into Christmas Day - she thinks everybody else has a better life etc. One Christmas Eve she took offence when after listening her for over an hour about her EXH I said I needed to go to bed. DH goes out for a drink with his FIL and BIL Christmas Day which leaves me having to make very awkward conversation, which she invariably takes the wrong way which follows more awkwardness.

I don't want Christmas to be like this. I just really want DD to be able to wake up at her home, but we live hours away so it also means that DD is unable to open any presents etc. Anybody else struggling with Christmas like this or any tips to navigate SIL other than self medicating with a G&T!?

OP posts:
Original poster
jumpingjackrabbit · 18/12/2023 09:06

To add, we are there for 5 days.

OP posts:
WASZPy · 18/12/2023 09:09

It's time to just have your own family Christmas at home. Go to inlaws on Boxing Day.

Barmecide · 18/12/2023 09:09

Just don’t go. It doesn’t work for you or DD. Start staying at home for Christmas Day and see your ILs the day after.

Spottywombat · 18/12/2023 09:10

Jeez, don't go for 5 days.

Tell your DH not to leave you on your own with sil.

Stay at home or go home if it becomes uncomfortable. It's your Christmas too.

Mistlebough · 18/12/2023 09:11

Men only going to pub sounds like the 1950s. Just go with them and avoid being with SIL alone. Can you not start doing your own Christmas and invite parents and DH parents to you (not SIL)? Be yourself and don’t give her the power to affect your own thoughts and feelings. Ignore her behaviour and manage the situation so it’s more fun for everyone. She can only dominate if people give in to her.

watcherintherye · 18/12/2023 09:12

Why can’t you say you fancy going out for a drink on Christmas Day? Or suggest your SIL does?

Original poster
jumpingjackrabbit · 18/12/2023 09:13

The problem is we live 6 hours away so going for a day isn't really going to work. I just feel so miserable at the thought of being there. It's the comments, which they dress up as sarcasm humour, which is just plain rude. I've previously been told I look like a corpse, how sad they are DD looks like me, there will be comments comparing me to SIL and the fact I know I've put on weight. DH is very closed when it comes to communicating how I feel about his family.

OP posts:
Barmecide · 18/12/2023 09:15

jumpingjackrabbit · 18/12/2023 09:13

The problem is we live 6 hours away so going for a day isn't really going to work. I just feel so miserable at the thought of being there. It's the comments, which they dress up as sarcasm humour, which is just plain rude. I've previously been told I look like a corpse, how sad they are DD looks like me, there will be comments comparing me to SIL and the fact I know I've put on weight. DH is very closed when it comes to communicating how I feel about his family.

So it’s all of them, not just your SIL? Why would you even consider subjecting yourself to that?

Brefugee · 18/12/2023 09:20

jumpingjackrabbit · 18/12/2023 09:13

The problem is we live 6 hours away so going for a day isn't really going to work. I just feel so miserable at the thought of being there. It's the comments, which they dress up as sarcasm humour, which is just plain rude. I've previously been told I look like a corpse, how sad they are DD looks like me, there will be comments comparing me to SIL and the fact I know I've put on weight. DH is very closed when it comes to communicating how I feel about his family.

This year you'll need to suck up the visit - why don't you take presents for DD to open?

But. Make it clear to DH that he is not to leave you alone with them.

Go to the pub with them or just go out alone. Take a book and sit in the car somewhere? DD is presumably OK with granny

Pretend not to understand the mean comments. Keep asking them to explain. Over and over.
Or say: that was rude. No more rude comments or DD and I are gmheading home. And do it. Make sure this is clear to DH. His reactiin/support in this is crucial..
Next year? Stay home. Invite your parents every 2nd or 3rd year.

jemenfous37 · 18/12/2023 09:25

Open your mouth.
Tell her she is being a bitch
Tell your husband to man up and have a word. And not fuck off to the pub
Again, you are making your own monkeys

GreatGateauxsby · 18/12/2023 09:26

5 days is too long - I'd be out all day at least one of not 2 of those days. Find an attraction within an hour's drive.

alternatively leave DH and DD and have some me time. I have encyclopedic knowledge off all spas within a 20m radius of MIL's house

I think it's fine for you DH to go out on the lash one night but not 5.
If he was going I'd go too and bring DD or leave her with MIL/SIL of shes old enough.
They can drink in the house - bring a case of beer.

Be very involved with your DD.
Bring a jigsaw and also a board game.
Bring Alcohol!

Spottywombat · 18/12/2023 09:52

Toxic Inlaws book, Susan Forward.

I've resisted reading this (seen recommended on here) for years but just have. It's excellent.

Not what I expected at all.

Sounds like a very 1950s set up.

If you can't express how uncomfortable you are to your DH, how good is your relationship?

Stay nearby?

The spa idea is great.

And lastly, if you're fatter, you are just fatter, it's not a reflection of your worth, your willpower or your value.

The body keeps the score.

LenaLamont · 18/12/2023 09:59

You have to go, because pulling out at this late date would be rude and also unfair on DH and DD.

So minimise it.

Drive down Christmas Eve, spend the evening with them. Go to the pub with your DH on Christmas Day. Set off home after breakfast on Boxing Day.

Ineedasitdown · 18/12/2023 10:04

You don’t have to go. You are an independent adult.
you do have to tell dp how they make you feel and why.

I would be telling dp you can’t stay for 5 days in that atmosphere and if they start with their little digs at you it will be the last Christmas you spend with them.

Lavender14 · 18/12/2023 10:05

I agree you need to speak to dh about the length of time you're staying for, 5 days is way too long if you're consistently being undermined and disrespected in front of your child by his family. I'd go as planned this year and suggest coming back earlier. Then next year you do Xmas day at home and a much shorter visit.

I think if his family are sarcastic you match it. Have some come backs ready and if they get offended play them at their own game of it was only a joke.

I'd plan your time. Bring lots of games and puzzles etc you can do with dd to keep occupied, bring movies etc to watch and get out for a few days to things nearby or go for long walks. I'd also speak to dh about how often he's at the pub if it's more than the one night.

On a separate occasion you need to sit down with him and say that you know his family are important to him and you don't want there to be conflict but your dd is getting old enough to recognise when people are making negative comments about her mother and while you're an adult and can handle it, that's not fair on her. So he needs to have a word and back you up so she's seeing you as a united front and hopefully his family will listen to him. They're insulting you because he's showing that he's OK with it. He needs to step up. I also think it's ok for you to say your piece if they're being opinionated or "thanks I'll bear that in mind " - change topic and let it wash over you.

Notafanofchristmas · 18/12/2023 10:07

jemenfous37 · 18/12/2023 09:25

Open your mouth.
Tell her she is being a bitch
Tell your husband to man up and have a word. And not fuck off to the pub
Again, you are making your own monkeys

This.

You get one life. Don’t do things that make you unhappy for the sake of others. If you don’t like it, don’t go or speak up. Stop making your own life crap.

(No one likes me since I have adopted this attitude but stuff them).

2chocolateoranges · 18/12/2023 10:09

I’d go for 2/3 days at a push for dh’s sake but dh would also be getting told there was no pub with his dad and brother and that if you were to stay at his parents house all Christmas Day then he has to aswell or go to the pub with them all.

SnowsFalling · 18/12/2023 10:11

Why on earth can't DD open her presents on Christmas Day?
We are away for Christmas. Presents, and stockings, are coming with us. Car this year. Plane other years.

I'd find something else to do while the boys are at the pub - I'm guessing you look after DD at this point. So, make some mince pies with her, or put together a gingerbread house from a packet. Cut out snowflakes. Do a jigsaw. Make it about you and her - something that can be done at home ir at the in laws.

And make it a much shorter trip in future years!

jemenfous37 · 18/12/2023 10:21

@Notafanofchristmas They don't like it when we 'rebel'!
I like your attitude, so sod the rest!
Happy non-Christmas!

Xmasisoffsantahascovid · 18/12/2023 10:24

Airpods for Christmas.. And a battery pack. Or book a hotel or Airbnb...

Notafanofchristmas · 18/12/2023 10:30

jemenfous37 · 18/12/2023 10:21

@Notafanofchristmas They don't like it when we 'rebel'!
I like your attitude, so sod the rest!
Happy non-Christmas!

Yup, I’ve set up a lot of boundaries this year, called dh family out on racist remarks they have made about me - told them I would no longer tolerate it and suddenly, I am the devil! I was warned that some people don’t like boundaries and it’s true. People like it when you sit and smile and take their shit, they all liked me when I did that.

Vuurhoutjies · 18/12/2023 10:30

If they are going to comment negatively on you anyway, I'd be preparing a few stock phrases - not aggressive or rude but pointed - AND feeling completely comfortable wandering off to spend time alone in the bedroom or whatever.

"Aaah, it's so lovely how you always talk so negatively about my apparance. hahaha".

"Funny, my mum was just saying how lucky it is that DD takes after my side of the family."

Also, your DH should be stepping up - Mum, that's rude. And he certainly shouldn't be leaving you alone with your bloody sil.

CalistoNoSolo · 18/12/2023 10:31

So many passive women on MN atm, moaning about things they are having to put up with but not prepared to stand up for themselves.

OP, this is entirely on you. You have a voice and autonomy over your own life. I suggest you start making the most of both before your DD grows up to think that women exist to be subservient to all others.

LlynTegid · 18/12/2023 10:34

Don't go. Not just for your sake but to show your DD that certain behaviour from others is unacceptable.

A Christmas just you, DH and DD could be a start, and probably your parents would be understanding.

TinselTitts · 18/12/2023 10:38

I voted YABU because this is ridiculous.

You're a grown woman with your own home and family and inlaws that treat you like shit.

Just stop going and start having Christmas in your own home from now on.

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