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Original poster

Hosting 3 times over Christmas FML

50 replies

Treewizard88 · 18/12/2023 09:02

Need a bit of clarity here and opinions. Sorry its a long one.

Background - DHs mother and father are going through a divorce (messy nightmare dragging over course of 2 years so far) I get on well with all of DHs family.

My family are pretty easygoing and are all coming to us on the 23rd for nibbles and drinks. Lovely stuff. We have 2 DC both under 5 easier for everyone to come to me we are the only ones with young kids everyone else has older teens that are doing their own thing (im the youngest of 5 siblings) we also have the biggest house.

DHs Dad, new partner, brother & boyfriend are coming to us Christmas day. They never organise anything they always assume we'll host and won't suggest anything until we ask what's your plans for Christmas then its kind of put upon that we will do dinner and drinks. That's fine to an extent as I would be doing these for our family anyway do get a bit annoyed that we are never hosted anywhere and plans are always left for us to organise even though we are the busiest by far.

Now MIL is coming boxing day this has been in the diary for about 8 weeks. I saw her yesterday and she's sprung on me that her sister and DH are coming to spend Christmas with her so she will be bringing them to ours boxing day and has given me demands for food etc. DH thinks she is taking the piss but she put me in an impossible situation because she knows im in as we had plans with her. I wasn't planning on doing any food as she was coming after 2pm and we would have already had lunch.

I'm a bit annoyed that now over the Christmas period I'm cooking, cleaning and hosting 3 times so everyone else is having a jolly old time whilst I'm looking after 2 toddlers and catering to everyone's needs.

Should I just suck it up and try enjoy Christmas or am I right to be a bit annoyed. And what would you do next year to avoid this hassle?

OP posts:
DidiAskYouThough · 18/12/2023 09:05

What will your husband contribute?
I can't relate, as I would never have agreed to even one of these events, but next year let everyone know your family will be unable to host anyone.

MiddleagedBeachbum · 18/12/2023 09:06

Boxing Day - push back and say you’ll see them after 2pm just for a cuppa and biscuits.

23rd - ask people to each bring something.

xmas day - again give people set tasks, such as you’re bringing roast potatoes and veg etc.

delegate delegate delegate especially in the day too! I’d also be fully pushing this back onto DH as twice it’s his family!

crumblingschools · 18/12/2023 09:06

Don’t invite anyone next year!

I assume DH steps up.

If you have to host as you have the bigger house get everyone to contribute food, and if they want certain things they can bring them

RampantIvy · 18/12/2023 09:07

You didn't have to host on Christmas day.

Also, you can't be doing this on your own. Is your DH not pulling his weight?

Tell your mum that as they are coming after lunch you will provide snacks, not a meal, and if anyone has special dietary requirements could they bring their own.

RampantIvy · 18/12/2023 09:08

Cross posted with everyone. Yes to suggestions of bring and share, and delegating.

Snowfalling · 18/12/2023 09:08

If you suck it up this year, why would next year be any different? Anyone who puts demands on you food wise knowing you have 2 little ones doesn't care about you. So you shouldn't worry too much about upset them either. Tell each party that you're only doing nibbles and they're welcome to bring a dish/nibbles/whatever they fancy as you don't want to spend all day in the kitchen and want time with your children and dh. If they take offence and fall out with you, good. Problem solved.

HVPRN · 18/12/2023 09:09

MiddleagedBeachbum · 18/12/2023 09:06

Boxing Day - push back and say you’ll see them after 2pm just for a cuppa and biscuits.

23rd - ask people to each bring something.

xmas day - again give people set tasks, such as you’re bringing roast potatoes and veg etc.

delegate delegate delegate especially in the day too! I’d also be fully pushing this back onto DH as twice it’s his family!

This! Get on it; now ☺️☺️☺️

Nineteendays · 18/12/2023 09:12

Start saying no.

to dh dad- We’re having a family Xmas this year with the kids being so little. Let us know if you’d like to pop by with their presents after food or before

to Mil- we’re having lunch with the kids around 12 so will see you all at 2pm for a cuppa and some mince pies/cake. Looking forward to seeing you.

TheLeadbetterLife · 18/12/2023 09:13

For next year, if your husband's dad et al never suggest anything until you ask what they're doing for Christmas, just don't ask them.

JoyeuxNarwhal · 18/12/2023 09:15

Why are you hosting when it's dh's family?

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 18/12/2023 09:16

What ‘demands’ for food has she made? It’s a bloody cheek, whatever they are! I’d just tell her (if she really must come) you’ll get what you’re given, and if that were me in your circs, that’d be the easiest possible, I.e. leftover turkey/ham, pickles, jacket potatoes, salad or coleslaw. I absolutely would not be cooking anything else on Boxing Day!

Mistlebough · 18/12/2023 09:19

Why don’t you sit down with DH and find out what you both want then make that happen? Just because you have more space doesn’t mean you are everyone’s Christmas slaves for the rest of your lives. If you want to be with your own family every other year make that happen. Ask them how it can be shared out fairly. If you want to just be you at home with no guests do that and make it very clear. I don’t understand how someone else can force you to host - just don’t do it! You need to have a Christmas that is meaningful to you OP. Good luck.

VickyEadieofThigh · 18/12/2023 09:23

I haven't voted because you're not unreasonable to be annoyed but you ARE unreasonable in that you've brought it upon yourself!

jemenfous37 · 18/12/2023 09:31

Just say no!
Dear god, all the threads about being put upon and CF behaviour, deferring to OH' wishes/demands, or those of in-laws.
You'd think emancipation had never happened

CalistoNoSolo · 18/12/2023 09:35

Why isn't your husband organising the cooking and cleaning for his relative? Why is it all on you to organise for his family?

FloweryWowery · 18/12/2023 09:35

Why are you doing all the planning, cooking, cleaning and toddler-wrangling by yourself? What is your DH doing? It's very well him saying your MIL is taking the piss, but what's he doing to sort it out?

Ohdearwhatnow4 · 18/12/2023 09:37

Too late for the 23rd and Xmas day as you've already agreed. But make life as easy as possible, on the 23rd use disposable trays and plates (obviously environmental friendly as possible) cook a big joint of whatever and then use that cold on 24th so no cooking and you might even stretch it to 25th tea time. On the 25th again over cook on meat and use on the 26th, even if gammon egg and chips or a big curry. Don't over complicate things. If they have allergies or diet requirements tell them to bring their own food. Also as previously posters have said delegate all the food and cleaning.

MaggieFS · 18/12/2023 09:37

This year: TELL mil what's happening on boxing day, and if that doesn't suit her needs, you'll see her with DC another time when she doesn't have guests. Don't change your plans.

Next year: decide how you want Xmas day to be (whether with FIL or not) and get on the front foot telling everyone e.g. I'm sorry we can't host this year, it doesn't fit with our plans.

ShirleyPhallus · 18/12/2023 09:41

I honestly have no idea how people let themselves get pushed around like this and passively allow others to take the piss without saying anything

OF COURSE you delegate tasks to other people, including bringing dishes, helping set the table, tidying up, having the children while you’re cooking etc. Why wouldn’t you?!

Bogofftosomewherehot · 18/12/2023 09:43

Don't understand why it's all on you?
Where's your husband in all of this?

So he thinks his mum is a CF but will still sit back and watch you have a shit time.

Time for your DH to step up. As for MiL's demands - just say, sorry that's not possible but feel free to bring some finger foods with you.

Stop being a doormat.

ColleenDonaghy · 18/12/2023 09:45

I'm mainly just surprised that you wouldn't be doing food for someone arriving at 2pm on Boxing day! They'll be there for dinner surely?

Maray1967 · 18/12/2023 09:48

Yes, I’d offer a meal at 5, but I don’t respond well to demands. We do veggie option as DS’s GF is veggie, but other than that I’d expect people to bring something.

QueenBean22 · 18/12/2023 09:49

She needs to bring the food she is demanding you serve.

also I think attendees the other 2 events need to help in some way too. Your DH’s family sound like proper cheeky feckers

readingmakesmehappy · 18/12/2023 09:50

To MIL: I've already planned all the food, so won't be making any changes to the plan at this stage. I'll have mince pies; if you want anything else please bring it yourself

Namechangedagain20 · 18/12/2023 09:56

DH thinks she is taking the piss

Well then just tell him to deal with it, he can either sort food or tell her that she’s taking the piss and she can sort it. I would get him to say will we be have some snacks/nibbles in and she can bring anything specifically required as you will have already eaten. It’s one thing expecting that you might have some chocolates, biscuits etc out for them but to make specific demands on food is out of order.

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