Hosting 3 times over Christmas FML

[Treewizard88]

Need a bit of clarity here and opinions. Sorry its a long one.

Background - DHs mother and father are going through a divorce (messy nightmare dragging over course of 2 years so far) I get on well with all of DHs family.

My family are pretty easygoing and are all coming to us on the 23rd for nibbles and drinks. Lovely stuff. We have 2 DC both under 5 easier for everyone to come to me we are the only ones with young kids everyone else has older teens that are doing their own thing (im the youngest of 5 siblings) we also have the biggest house.

DHs Dad, new partner, brother & boyfriend are coming to us Christmas day. They never organise anything they always assume we'll host and won't suggest anything until we ask what's your plans for Christmas then its kind of put upon that we will do dinner and drinks. That's fine to an extent as I would be doing these for our family anyway do get a bit annoyed that we are never hosted anywhere and plans are always left for us to organise even though we are the busiest by far.

Now MIL is coming boxing day this has been in the diary for about 8 weeks. I saw her yesterday and she's sprung on me that her sister and DH are coming to spend Christmas with her so she will be bringing them to ours boxing day and has given me demands for food etc. DH thinks she is taking the piss but she put me in an impossible situation because she knows im in as we had plans with her. I wasn't planning on doing any food as she was coming after 2pm and we would have already had lunch.

I'm a bit annoyed that now over the Christmas period I'm cooking, cleaning and hosting 3 times so everyone else is having a jolly old time whilst I'm looking after 2 toddlers and catering to everyone's needs.

Should I just suck it up and try enjoy Christmas or am I right to be a bit annoyed. And what would you do next year to avoid this hassle?

You have me beat. I'm doing it all twice. First day normal Christmas, me Dh Dm two adult kids on with his fiancée
Boxing Day same as before but add in second Ds and his Fiancée can't get here till then and everyone wants to see them.
One day we'll all get it organised for one day.
I'm hoping that no one does what your family has done @Treewizard88 and add extras.

I saw her yesterday and she's sprung on me that her sister and DH are coming to spend Christmas with her so she will be bringing them to ours boxing day and has given me demands for food etc.

“Hi, MIL, there seems to be some misunderstanding. We’re seeing you at 2, so won’t be doing a meal. You’re welcome to bring Auntie X and Uncle Y along, I’ll buy some extra mince pies. But no, we’re not doing dinner on Boxing Day. We must have got crossed wires at some point.”

(I suspect, if it’s an acrimonious divorce, she’s got wind of you hosting for FIL
and new girlfriend etc and wants to be cooked for just like you are doing for them. Divorcing couples can get very petty when in the midst of things.)

DH is working boxing day so won't be here to help, he is very hands on so will be helpful Xmas day and 23rd doing drinks and family can all muck in with the kids.

I agree I have been a bit of a pushover and have let people put far too much on my plate, but MIL and FIL put on bit of a sob story about the divorce and seeing the kids over Christmas, loneliness etc and I guess I then feel trapped in a corner over it all.

Your family is nibbles though so surely not a lot? Mil demands for Boxing Day tell her no, please come after 2pm and if necessary do a tea of cold meats, jacket potatoes and salad

just seen dh is not there so tell her no, sorry dh is at work and we are having a pyjama day. Will dh be there New Year’s Eve? Invite her then. Or what about Xmas eve morning if your parents are coming in the afternoon? Making it clear it’s away by 2pm

Maybe my perspective is different, I'm Jewish, I'd usually expect to host at least 2 meals with 8-10 people over a 3-day holiday as well as family meals and making bits to take to meals hosted by others, and people rock up with extra guests all the time. I'm also a single mum to a preschooler :) I don't think it's unreasonable. It's just about planning and keeping the menus manageable. The big keys to hosting for me are (a) delegate - get people to bring things it's a pain to make like dessert (b) ask them to bring drinks to cut the cost to you, (c) keep it simple, use recipes you know and do as much as you can in advance.

Plan it all out, make shopping lists, prepare in advance. And like others said, get people to help out cleaning up/chopping etc. For a lunch I really like the Ottolenghi chicken tray bakes (with arak/miso/chicken Marbella) as you can marinade them forever then just bung them in the oven. Then rice, green beans and a salad. Lovely lunch, under an hour of actual kitchen work.

I wouldn't host anyone I didn't like/wasn't related to/found hard work on my own while my husband was at work. Move it to another date when he is there.

'Doing drinks'? Hell no, he needs to get stuck in and share the burden properly.

I voted YABU though, because people can only treat you like a doormat if you lie down and allow it.

It's you home, you're hosting, therefore you tell your MIL what time she'll be coming and what food you will/won't be providing.

@Treewizard88 where do people get off inviting others to come with them to someone else's home???? I would just put my foot down and say no! I am putting my feet up! MIL can host her sister in her own house, not yours!! As your hubby is working on boxing day I would never have even considered asking his mother over for the afternoon!!! I just would not ask his family what their plans are next year! perhaps they will take the hint and do their own cooking or even invite you and your family over for a meal!

MIL is here as is SIL but just for a day. DH will be deep cleaning and doing spare room for her and also peeling all veg on day his sister is here. Your DH needs to step up.

Take @LenaLamont advice, firm but fair and completely reasonable.

I feel your pain for many years this has been me. Hosting Christmas day, again boxing day and then last year, two further dates between Christmas and New year and a party a couple of days before Christmas. Then a teenage gathering in our home for NYE (lots of clearing up the next day!). I was utterly exhausted at the end of it, the relentness shopping for food, cooking food, cleaning up and eat sleep repeat. It caused alot of tension in our household and therefore wasn't really enjoyable for anyone. For your boxing day hosting, I would just keep expectations low, tell everyone it's just boxing day leftovers, so jacket potatoes, cold meats salad, sausage rolls and thats it.
The best year I had was when we went away for Christmas and avoided it all (including teenagers which were with their respective other parents). I've been hosting Christmas most years since age 21 and can't get my head round those adults that never seem to take a turn.
I did have a family member send me a message last week saying be lovely to see you over Christmas and get together like last year and the year before (this has meant me hosting between Christmas and New year for around 10 people) then proceeded to tell me the date that worked for them, I just pushed back and said we'd love to invite you all over (on our terms) early summer for a large family gathering but the date you've suggested over Christmas just does't work for us, I suggested we could meet up somewhere at a different time instead, that wasn't accepted. Families and Christmas can be a pain!

Absolutely not your circus not your monkeys.

Knock the MIL on the head - blame DH working if you like and rearrange a time for her to see the kids that’s not a “hosting” event just a lovely visit.

Shift the timing of FIL to drinks or lunch and not a full blown hosted dinner and just say it’s a bit much this year host fully with the little ones.

You don’t have to be rude and you don’t need to cancel just tweak and rearrange or set expectations of the food so people can then choose to come or not. You’re only human and it’s ok to say you’ve got enough in your plate. It’s the time of goodwill and people should be happy to spend time together with expecting trappings and dining!

Hang on - you’re hosting a big group of DH’s family on Boxing Day and he won’t even be there? Blow thst for a game of soldiers!

He needs to do the bulk of the work for any hosting of his family

I wouldn't cancel MIL if she's going through a messy divorce and FIL is at yours for Xmas - too much like taking sides...

But I would just serve a high tea, so your kids are done and dusted at the same time. Sandwiches, a trifle, the remains of the Christmas cake, biccies. I'd also push it back to 3pm so that DH will hopefully be back to see his mum at the end

Keep it simple
23rd cheese, biscuits, fruit + drinks (add some cooked meats , pickles etc and voila, a grazing board)
Christmas Day, I'm assuming you'd do most of it anyway even if it was just for yourselves...throw a couple of extra roast potatoes on and either eat buffet or family style.
Boxing day . Ignore demands for particular foods ,wait until around 4 and serve turkey sandwiches , cake, mince pies and tea or coffee (or gin and prosecco if you prefer)
I shouldn't need to add ...but will anyway , there are going to be plenty of adults around, they get to do the dishes.

Let everyone know that it's tough for you to do all that hosting with toddlers so you're going to keep it simple or everyone bring a dish.

“Doing drinks” is a bollocks non job too.

He is there for his dad’s side and non his mums? That’s a bit rubbish! Why not reschedule MIL for a different day when DH is there? Or at least send the message re “it’s just tea and mince pies” and cite the fact that DH won’t be there.

You should also make sure DH does a fair share of the proper burden on Xmas day - the cooking and planning. You can be “doing drinks” and keeping a vague eye on the kids whilst he is working in the kitchen. Make it an absolute pre requisite of this happening.

Get DH to tell MIL you had no plans to cook on Boxing Day, that you will be exhausted at that stage. If she, and her (uninvited) guests wish to bring takeaway with them that would be great but you will be providing tea / coffee and mince pies only.

Honestly, don't be railroaded into this.

Hi mil, sorry, there must have been a misunderstanding- no food on Boxing Day, we will have already eaten by the time you come round for coffee.

Just don’t ask Fil and bil next year on what their plans are, just make your own.
in any case delegate tasks to them

Start saying no OP. It simply not necessary to do all this stuff. People are welcome over but you’ll be having a take away, or tea / biscuits, or everyone needs to bring a dish. Set a boundary.

Carry on with your plans for your family, send a list of food for each person to bring for Christmas Day hosting and ask them who wants to do the cooking, text your mil saying you weren’t planning on doing food as she’s visiting after lunch but she’s welcome to bring what she likes and it’ll be lovely to be cooked for for a change.

My husband does much of the cooking. Can’t yours? If not, he can take you and his family out for lunch.

You reply to MIL's request for certain foods with, I'm not going to be preparing any food on boxing day, I will be exhausted after two days of hosting and sorting out the children but I will get any leftovers we have out and we can pick on them.

This is the perfect wording to get across your point.

You're not doing a lunch/dinner for them, it's an afternoon visit only with tea/coffee/glass or two of wine (no more than that) and then off home they pop!

You have the patience of a saint to be offering to do this at all for them.

I would declare we're eating out. So to MIL, oh I hadn't planned to cook as you weren't coming until 2pm, and I really can't face cooking two big meals in a row, but it would be lovely to see you all and have lunch so why don't we all go out for lunch and split the bill?

I appreciate that depends on finances though. Alternative would be to say similar but instead of eating out say you'll pop some pizzas and garlic bread in the oven and if they want anything different she's welcome to bring it along and cook it herself.

What are her actual demands? Boxing Day is about leftovers so give them some leftovers with fresh bread