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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my new partner to sleep over Christmas Eve

36 replies

NeedingAGoodNap · 18/12/2023 01:52

I am a single mother with a 3 year old DD. I’ve been seeing someone since earlier this year and things have been going very well. We have known each other a long time (since we were 12 years old as we went to school together). We went in and out of contact throughout our 20s but reconnected about a year ago and things moved very quickly.

My daughter has meet my partner 4 times and these introductions went well. My daughter always asks when she is going to visit again and is excited when she comes over.

However, my daughter is a little shy and reserved around my new partner. She warms up quickly to her each time but is still always a little shy. I feel like it’s too early for her to spend the night especially on Christmas Eve. I don’t want my daughter to wake up feeling shy or reserved on Christmas morning!

Am I bring unreasonable to say no to my new partner staying over for the first time on Christmas Eve? She’s welcome to come over in the morning and has been invited to my wider family Christmas lunch.

OP posts:
coxesorangepippin · 18/12/2023 01:57

Sounds fair

She probably won't want to stay over at yours anyway on Xmas Eve

TheSandgroper · 18/12/2023 01:59

Not for Christmas. No.

And perhaps not for a long time. If partner pushes, get rid. Daughter comes first. There is plenty of information here about slowly, slowly introducing new partners to children. But Christmas Eve and Christmas Day are about you and dd this year.

MariaLuna · 18/12/2023 02:00

Follow your instinct!

" I feel like it’s too early for her to spend the night especially on Christmas Eve.^
is a perfectly valid reason.

"has been invited to my wider family Christmas lunch." She is a lucky one.

Your daughter is your nr. 1. Don't forget that.

Nottogetapenny · 18/12/2023 02:05

Christmas Eve and waking up on Christmas morning should be just your daughter and you! You are not being unreasonable to suggest this!
Your new partner, should visit later in the day spend time with you and getting to know your daughter.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/12/2023 04:51

Of course it’s nit unreasonable. This is the first time your dd will really understand Santa (presuming you’re doing Santa). You want Christmas to be a magical time rather than difficult for her.

itsgettingweird · 18/12/2023 05:07

Perfectly fine.

And if your partner is a keeper she'll understand fully.

In fact her reaction will tell you all you need to know about the future of your relationship in 2024.

autienotnaughty · 18/12/2023 05:46

Perfectly fine. It's unfair to make your dd feel uncomfortable. If she's invited to lunch see her then.

Toodles2023 · 18/12/2023 05:56

Completely understand and agree. It should be just you and your DD. She will still see you all later in the day but let your daughter have a magical Christmas morning with no reserves.

Gnomegnomegnome · 18/12/2023 05:59

If’s she’s a decent person she will agree.
If she pushes it then it’s a good sign that the relationship is going nowhere.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 18/12/2023 06:18

Not unreasonable especially as Christmas morning is a morning above all others where a child is likely to come in early to their parent's bedroom. I have older teens and Christmas morning is one of the very few times they still come into our bedroom rather than lurking by the door. This seems to have naturally evolved over time rather than something we have ever said to them. The youngest still randomly wanders in day or night.

Your child needs to feel comfortable enough to come into your room at any time of the morning and the focus be on Christmas rather than your new partner.

Original poster
NeedingAGoodNap · 18/12/2023 09:35

coxesorangepippin · 18/12/2023 01:57

Sounds fair

She probably won't want to stay over at yours anyway on Xmas Eve

She actually wants to stay and will be disappointed if I say no. She thinks I’m being unreasonable

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 18/12/2023 12:44

Assume your partner doesn't have children of her own.

The fact that she does not respect your daughter's needs and your wishes for Christmas is a red flag tbh.

Tread carefully and continue to prioritise your daughter.

ManateeFair · 18/12/2023 12:45

NeedingAGoodNap · 18/12/2023 09:35

She actually wants to stay and will be disappointed if I say no. She thinks I’m being unreasonable

Show quote history

She's not as nice as you think she is, then.

cheddercherry · 18/12/2023 13:14

No kid really wants a virtual stranger in their home on Xmas morning so I 100% agree with you to not let her stay.

My little boy (5) knows plenty of adults who he’s seen a lot more than 4 times, think friends parents etc, and he still wouldn’t want them in our front room on Xmas morning. She might be special to you but she’s still not a special person to your daughter and since she can’t articulate yet “mummy I’m uncomfortable can we spend Xmas just the two of us” you need to take that step for her.

If she doesn’t get that and realise its her about a little girl and what’s right for her in her own home then it’s maybe not going as well as you think?

SensibleSally1 · 18/12/2023 13:18

TBH, it's a bit of a red flag that she can't see your reasoning as to why you don't want her to stay?!

Vuurhoutjies · 18/12/2023 13:21

I think the priority is your dd. If your dd is not 100% comfortable with her yet, then absolutely, she should not stay over on Christmas Eve. It's often a night with extra cuddles, and of course, the early start and Father Christmas and all the rest.

A good partner would understand that you are prioritising your DD.

Ravenclaw101 · 18/12/2023 13:22

No kids really want a virtual stranger living with them, full stop. It’s a shame that no one ever really factors this in.

Imagine being 14 and some random partner of one of your parents lives in your house so you always feel self conscious walking about in your pjs etc. I honestly couldn’t imagine anything worse as a teenager.

southlondoner02 · 18/12/2023 13:25

I think even if your child didn't feel shy around your partner it would be better for her not to stay over.

There are only a limited number of Christmas' you get with young children and spending time with their parent(s) is a lovely part of that. Fine later in the day/ Boxing Day, but early on Christmas Day when kids come in to your room, get excited and want to show you presents isn't the right time for someone she barely knows.

Your partner has chosen to start a relationship with someone who has a child. The child should always come first. Perhaps she needs to reflect on that?

throwawayimplantchat · 18/12/2023 13:36

She actually wants to stay and will be disappointed if I say no. She thinks I’m being unreasonable

You know your daughter best. You know how she reacts to things. You know that your girlfriend staying over would make your daughter have a less relaxing and happy Christmas morning.

Yet she is trying to guilt trip you into allowing it. Not only is that unkind and selfish, it's really weird.

She isn't as nice as you seem to think she is.

Reugny · 18/12/2023 13:41

She actually wants to stay and will be disappointed if I say no. She thinks I’m being unreasonable

She needs to put her big girl pants on and deal with her disappointment.

She knows she is dating a single parent and that at times what the child emotionally needs will be more important.

She can come over in the morning instead. If your DD is like what mine was at 3, she will be up at the crack of dawn to open her presents.

Next Christmas if your gf is still around she could stay over. Depends....

Aquamarine1029 · 18/12/2023 13:46

She thinks I’m being unreasonable

She believes what she wants is more important than the welfare of your child.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

I hope you have your blinders off.

Vinrouge4 · 18/12/2023 16:53

Please put your child first.

ectoone · 18/12/2023 17:09

She actually wants to stay and will be disappointed if I say no. She thinks I’m being unreasonable

Fuck that shit. She is trying to manipulate you to put her before your child. I would end this relationship now as the red flags are starting to go up.

BrilliantEarth · 18/12/2023 17:18

NeedingAGoodNap · 18/12/2023 09:35

She actually wants to stay and will be disappointed if I say no. She thinks I’m being unreasonable

Show quote history

She's the one being unreasonable.

My partner and I have adult children, and on Christmas Day, we will be waking up in our own houses and will each be spending the day with our own children.

If he were pressing to stay over or trying to create some "happy blended family" Christmas fantasy, I would run a mile - and a million times more so if I had a three year old.

DeedlessIndeed · 18/12/2023 17:20

Stick to your guns OP.
Your daughter is only little for a short period, and on Christmas morning, she should be the priority.

Don't pick DP over your daughter.