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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Need advice please from people who know about cats.

46 replies

Maisypaws · 17/12/2023 22:25

Hi, I posted on the Litter tray board as well, but posting here for traffic.

My cat Maisy is 18 months old, she and I live alone together, but travel regularly to my mum’s house for weekends and holidays throughout the year.

If I go away, mum looks after her. Maisy is quite a timid cat, but this has been happening since she was a small kitten so she is comfortable in mum’s house and the set-up works well.

Years ago, my mum agreed to take in the cat of an elderly neighbour, if she fell ill or died. It seemed a distant possibility at the time as neighbour was hale and hearty.
Anyway, yesterday she had a fall and was rushed to hospital, so it may be that my mum will need to take Ginger (7 years old, female, also apparently a very shy and timid personality) sooner than we thought.

Is there any possibility that two cats could learn to tolerate each other, in a situation where one is always the visitor? I know there are never any guarantees and it will depend on the individual cats, but is it even fair to try this? I desperately hope that it could work, but I want to be realistic about the chances of success.

Thanks for reading

OP posts:
TeaKitten · 17/12/2023 22:27

I haven't tried to introduce cats as visitors, but I’ve always had cats and I’d say it’s incredibly unlikely. Would you be able to keep them totally separate at all times as a compromise?

margotrose · 17/12/2023 22:28

This really isn't a good idea and wouldn't be fair on either cat.

RandomMess · 17/12/2023 22:28

How do you feel about having 2 cats? They both love together at yours and then holiday with your Mum?

Some cats are fine with this but they tend to not already live alone.

PriOn1 · 17/12/2023 22:30

Very difficult to say because it depends on the cats. Obviously, you’d have to be very careful about introducing them, but I worked in a cat rescue a while back, where there were all kinds of cats living together and new cats coming in as others went away. It’s not impossible for cats to get on, especially if they’re given plenty of room. The only way to find out is to try it, ideally with something to separate them at the start, so they each have space to go away.

NoSquirrels · 17/12/2023 22:31

If a cat/cats have had to visit our house (I wasn’t thrilled by it, but necessity etc) where we already had resident felines, the visitors needed to be confined to one room, with their own litter tray, and not leave that room.

NoSquirrels · 17/12/2023 22:33

I’d say you should look into finding a cat sitter, tbh.

MiddleagedBeachbum · 17/12/2023 22:34

Yes it will be fine.

For a start keep them to a room each, esp visiting cat.

It’s what happens when people foster. I have 2 cats and 2 dogs of my own but we’ve had various fosters of both cats and dogs over the years.
It’s just not many people do it obviously.
Just take it gently and see how it goes.

Original poster
Maisypaws · 17/12/2023 22:34

Thanks. They would have plenty of room, mum’s house is reasonably big and they could easily avoid each other. I don’t want to cause either of them unnecessary stress though. I think Maisy would probably adjust as she’s still young and is tolerant (though timid) of neighbouring cats.
Ginger is the unknown quantity though. I’d be willing to have 2 cats if that’s the only way to be able to visit my mum…

OP posts:
MidnightMeltdown · 17/12/2023 22:36

Two females is the worst possible combination. If the ginger was a male then I'd say yes, but two females may be difficult

margotrose · 17/12/2023 22:37

MidnightMeltdown · 17/12/2023 22:36

Two females is the worst possible combination. If the ginger was a male then I'd say yes, but two females may be difficult

Yep - most females are pretty feisty and territorial.

wherethewildthingsgo · 17/12/2023 22:38

I think previous responses may not have understood that you're talking about taking your cat on short term holidays to your mums house where there is now another cat living.

This is absolutely NOT ok for either cat. Cats are highly territorial and easily stressed and they are not naturally herd animals so they do not meet and get on with other cats instantly. It takes many many months for two cats who do not know each other to tolerate each other. You absolutely can't bring a cat to visit another cat for odd weeks and weekends. It would be very distressing for both cats.

RandomMess · 17/12/2023 22:38

My gang happily accepts my DDs cats visiting, her cat is ok about it so long as she doesn't spot the dog 😂

19lottie82 · 17/12/2023 22:39

It may work, it may not. The only way to find out is to try.

Judystilldreamsofhorses · 17/12/2023 22:39

I think for most cats (maybe not all) changing routine and moving around is pretty stressful. If we go away we have someone come in to feed our cat rather than put her somewhere else (MIL would happily have her as a house guest). Would that be an option for you instead of bringing Maisy to your mum’s?

RandomMess · 17/12/2023 22:39

Mine are unusual though I think.

I would take on ginger and see if they can accept one another and live together permanently.

Laiste · 17/12/2023 22:41

They may get on, but if they don't it's not just a case of keeping them apart or a bit of hissing and spitting for a couple of days ...

A cat who feels their space is being invaded (so either cat here) can start toileting around the house other than the litter tray. This is a bit of a nightmare to put right.

Cupcakekiller · 17/12/2023 22:52

Cats aren't really portable pets and I'm surprised she already tolerates frequent changes of environment. Could you employ a cat sitter when you go to your mum's?

littleannennt · 17/12/2023 22:53

I helped a friend out by looking after her cat while she was homeless (friend had a bf to crash with while she sorted herself out but he place wasn't suitable for her cat and I didn't have room for the friend but I could take her cat).

Unfortunately the visiting cat moving in meant my cat moved out.
She just wouldn't come home and my cat was too shy to go live with someone else so I had to feed her outside and build her a little shelter until my friend sorted out alternative accommodation for her cat.

Luckily it was summer & only for a week and my cat lived another 16 years with no other cat guests, but I still feel guilty about it!

NoSquirrels · 17/12/2023 22:58

I’d be willing to have 2 cats if that’s the only way to be able to visit my mum…

It’s really not the only way, though! You’d just do what other people do - pay for a cat visitor or cat sitter, or ask a neighbour to pop in.

When I was younger I’ve taken my cat to my parents’ house - he was happy visiting, although not fond of the actual travelling, but no resident cats. I’ve had other cats at my house. But in general it’s not a preferred option - most cats stay at home with a person popping or go to a cattery.

I think if your mum does end up taking on Ginger then you might try it once but if it doesn’t work out then it’s kinder to both cats to leave your cat at home and pay for their care.

margotrose · 17/12/2023 22:59

19lottie82 · 17/12/2023 22:39

It may work, it may not. The only way to find out is to try.

The problem is that if it doesn't work, you could cause some serious behavioural issues for both cats.

Original poster
Maisypaws · 17/12/2023 23:03

Thanks everybody, am taking all this on board, the last thing I want to do is cause distress.

OP posts:
RandomButtons · 17/12/2023 23:08

This has got disaster written all over it. We had multiple cats growing up. We looked after someone else’s cat for a week, locked it in a room. Only it wasn’t a week. It escaped the first sodding day so we spent a week searching for it, thank goodness it turned up a few miles away.

Thejewellershands · 17/12/2023 23:11

I really wouldn't do this, sorry.

Cats are so sensitive and easily stressed out. A stressed cat can start displaying some pretty unwanted behavioural problems too. They aren't like dogs, they're not going to be happy to see their friend come to visit. They're territorial, and Ginger is already going to have to get used to a new environment with a new owner, never mind having their territory invaded every now and again. Getting two cats to tolerate each other takes a lot of work tbh.

I got a second cat back in April and we are still working on being able to have them in the same room together. Some breeds like ragdolls can be more laid back and tolerant of each other but for most cats it would take time, dedication, patience and work! I just don't think it would be feasible or fair when they don't live together. I'd leave your cat at home and get a cat sitter or a friend to pop in when you visit your mum ☺️

AndOnAndOn1000 · 17/12/2023 23:12

Yes, it can definitely work, but you’ll only know for sure if you try.

Animals have a great way of sorting it out between themselves.

Be careful how you introduce them to each other. Slowly slowly and at a distance.

Remember hissing is only because they are scared and warning the other one off.

IF one attacks the other one, you’ll know for sure, and you would have to forget the idea.

A pity they’re not Ragdolls cats, because it’s always a positive result with them,

AngryBirdsNoMore · 17/12/2023 23:20

NoSquirrels · 17/12/2023 22:31

If a cat/cats have had to visit our house (I wasn’t thrilled by it, but necessity etc) where we already had resident felines, the visitors needed to be confined to one room, with their own litter tray, and not leave that room.

Agree with this.

When adult cats move in together, there tends to be a territory dispute - whether a fight / fights, spitting and miaowing etc, or just an agreement tacitly that one is clearly in charge. This settles the hierarchy and allows them to proceed with that understanding. Sometimes the hierarchy shifts or one makes a bid for change, and then the dispute tends to begin again.

A visiting cat arrangement would mean this dispute would happen every time, meaning both cats were uncertain and on edge. I don’t think that would be enjoyable for either.

The advice I got from a vet once about an unrelated cat query was that cats generally don’t like change. She said her cat had gone off her food because she’d got a new toaster - an extreme example but a demonstrative one! So it’s best - as you acknowledge right at the start of your post! - the give them both certainty as to who lives where.

I think it would work for most dogs bur not for most cats.

Perhaps you could consider having two cats, as a PP suggests?

EDIT: if you’re desperate, you could try it. It could maybe work if one cat was clearly able to establish and maintain a higher status than the other. But I don’t think it’s wise and I hate seeing cats fight.

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