To let his lie go or should I say something?

[JackTheSad]

Me and DH had a social clash a few weeks ago. Him beers with mates, I had tickets to something. Both of us a bit disorganised but he never puts anything in diary. I ended up going as tickets non refundable and he stayed home with DC.

He made quite a fuss. Lots of chat that he never goes out. Bit of a chat about all of them having fun without him. Even on the morning he was saying "maybe ill take DC to pub with me for one or two in the early afternoon so I don't miss out"

I have since found out it was cancelled 2 days before as no one could go anymore.

I often suspect he tells me little lies like this. I don't want to say anything and just carry on as not a big deal. But I also have weird thing about confrontation and I am a wimp

Do you think its weird that I'm not gonna say anything? Would you call him out on it?

Thank you for all responding

He definitely lied to make me feel guilty in the moment. But i asked him about it only yesterday 'did they have a good time' he has been sheepish and muttered 'yep'. Still lying for some weird reason.

He lies in arguments sometimes if it means getting the upper hand somehand. Small things that make him come out rosy.

I don't know why I don't confront him. I don't want him to feel bad.

I was bought up by a very difficult dad and i have been in therpay and she said i've been conditioned to keep the peace at all costs. I don't know if i've scared of him - i just don't want to upset him or make him look stupid. I know that's probably unthinkable to some of you.

You have been well trained not give the widdle bunny bad feelings. Never mind the expense this is on your own feelings….
WHY THE FUCK ARE HIS FEELINGS MORE VALUABLE THAN YOURS???

'Confrontation'

'Call him out'

Why are you looking at basic communication in this way? "Oh, I heard your drinks were cancelled anyway".

That's just a conversation, surely?

This is terrible.manipukative and controlling behaviour designed to.ensure that a) you couldn't fully enjoy your activity due to guilt and worry and b) nect time he wants to do something, no matter how unreasonable, you will agree.

He is a horrible man and I think you should be discussing why you are in a controlling relationship ans how to get out with your therapist.

@TinselTitts It doesnt' just feel like conversation. I found out by chance it didnt' happen. I then checked on his phone to confirm he knew. He did.

It feels like catching him out.

@SavBlancTonight I stopped seeing my therapist because i couldn't justify the cost and also frustrated myself enormously but just telling her stories each week with no progress on my part.

I've always had a think about not calling people out. I know I don't tell people they're wrong when I think they're wrong. I wish I didn't but the people pleaser in me feels so entrenched i honestly can't imagine how people don't respond based on whether it will upst the other person.

This is domestic abuse. The lying is guilt tripping, and is a form of emotional abuse. To add to that, he lied to socially isolate you and prevent you from seeing your friends.

It's not all men... but it's probably this one.

You could text him that you know that he lied to you about the whole thing, that it was cancelled and he knew it was cancelled. That you don't want to discuss it but want him to know that you are disappointed that he want to try and guilt trip you or make out he had sacrificed something for you when in fact he hadn't at all.

You don't want to confront him because you don't want him to feel bad and yet that is precisely how he wanted you to feel!

He’s a liar. Totally unacceptable.

Its insidiously manipulative.

Just another little erosion of trust and it will destroy your feelings of security in your relationship,

Your partner obviously knows how you function, knows about your issues with your dad and he is using this to his own advantage. He knows you wont challenge him or call him out.

I think you need to go back to therapy @JackTheSad or speak to some real life friends or do the freedom programme? You can't just take let this go, it's a death by a thousand cuts.

I couldn't knowingly live with a man who lied to me. I wouldn't call him out, I would leave him.

I do argue with him but only tend to find my voice over the kids stuff. But for stuff relating to me - I keep my mouth shut. I play my role in allowing this all. On an early date I saw him reading my messages and I pretended to not see rather than make him uncomfortable. It's totally pathetic. In my head I know he's can be a right dick. I just seem to have low expectations

That's not a small lie that is manipulation, I would definitely call him out on it!

Does he know this re-traumatises you?

If so, then he's a scumbag and you are better off getting out and avoiding this destructive horrible excuse for a human being.

You really need some help in becoming more assertive and valuing yourself more. You mustn't put up with this, he's obviously not a great partner , let him feel uncomfortable, it won't bloody kill him.