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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let his lie go or should I say something?

65 replies

JackTheSad · 17/12/2023 13:55

Me and DH had a social clash a few weeks ago. Him beers with mates, I had tickets to something. Both of us a bit disorganised but he never puts anything in diary. I ended up going as tickets non refundable and he stayed home with DC.

He made quite a fuss. Lots of chat that he never goes out. Bit of a chat about all of them having fun without him. Even on the morning he was saying "maybe ill take DC to pub with me for one or two in the early afternoon so I don't miss out"

I have since found out it was cancelled 2 days before as no one could go anymore.

I often suspect he tells me little lies like this. I don't want to say anything and just carry on as not a big deal. But I also have weird thing about confrontation and I am a wimp

Do you think its weird that I'm not gonna say anything? Would you call him out on it?

OP posts:
GrumpyOldCrone · 17/12/2023 14:20

I would not let that go. He could have said something like, “Fortunately I’m not missing my night out because it’s been cancelled, so off you go and have a great time.” But instead he has decided to try to spoil your evening by making you feel bad. That’s mean, disrespectful, and - as others have said - manipulative. Why would you ignore it?

Silvers11 · 17/12/2023 14:28

Hmmm!! I would want to know WHY he lied. Was he just trying to make you feel bad? OR had he actually planned to do something else, and was lying to you about meeting up with his Mates? Could he be having an affair, maybe? Hopefully not, but something sounds off here, if he was making such a fuss, when the meet up with the mates was cancelled anyway?

Psychoticbreak · 17/12/2023 14:32

100 percent I would say it to him he was guilt tripping you for no reason.

grayhairdontcare · 17/12/2023 14:32

So he caused drama because you had plans and he didn't want to parent his child?
I would definitely ask why he lied

rainbowstardrops · 17/12/2023 14:36

I would 100% call him out on it!!!! Why wouldn't you?!

Thewondererhasreturned · 17/12/2023 14:46

Gaslighting hes trying to make you feel guilty when the event was cancelled anyway. This is not acceptable id definitely call him out and tell him not to gaslight you again or he will be out

beetr00 · 17/12/2023 14:50

@JackTheSad It does not require confrontation but... all it requires is you, saying to him, that you know that beers were cancelled.

Puts him on notice that you are nobodies fool 💐

Christmasmug · 17/12/2023 15:00

How did you find out OP? Whether you confront him or not you now know he's capable of being utterly spiteful and mean spirited, not to mention manipulative and deceitful towards the person he's supposed to love. Is that really the person you want as your partner in life?

Planesmistakenforstars · 17/12/2023 15:09

That is not a small lie.

What usually happens when there's clash? Are you the one expected to stay home with DC and it's only because you had tickets that you went? How does he react usually to you going out without him and having a good time?

Depending on those answers he might be trying to make you feel guilty for next time, and making sure you don't do it again. If so that is very manipulative of him.

Either way he's capable of lying to your face and continuing to do so. That's really not a good thing. What other not-so-little things does he lie about?

AlbatrosStrike · 17/12/2023 15:09

I would definitely say something.

It's bad enough that he was moaning and trying to make you feel guilty. It’s inexcusable that he used this lie to manipulate you.

Silverbirchtwo · 17/12/2023 15:09

Was it cancelled mainly because he backed out and then others thought it wasn't worth it if they all couldn't go. If so a bit of a grey area, ie, it would have happened if he was able to go. I would mention it, just say so and so says, 'your big night out didn't happen after all', and see what he says. I wouldn't be making a big deal of it initially.

Purplecatshopaholic · 17/12/2023 15:27

I’d call it out if it were me. He’s a bloody liar and trying to make you feel bad to boot. Confront him and see him squirm. He’s not to be trusted - and that’s a worry in a long term relationship op.

ChanelNo19EDT · 17/12/2023 15:30

Not sure I'd bother raising it, but i'd have noted it. The knowledge that he lies for the purpose of..........making you feel bad??? making you feel obligated to him? making you feel that you owe him one? I'd have noted all of that and I'd be seeing him through that lens now.

Asifiwouldnt · 17/12/2023 15:36

I’d want to be sure he was aware of had been cancelled. But yes I’d be pretty gutted he made you feel so guilty over it

OhComeOnFFS · 17/12/2023 15:36

What a lying, manipulative, deceitful shit he is. Of course you should call him out on it.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 17/12/2023 15:42

Yeah I would. This lie is quite manipulative and mean. He is trying to ruin your night out by making you feel guilty even though he had no night out to go to anyway. I'd want to know what was behind this behaviour.

kwarr24 · 17/12/2023 15:52

Yeah I would have called him out on it as soon as I heard, my ex used to do the same types of things make a fuss about me going out and then make me feel guilty.

It's typical gaslighting he knew the event was cancelled but made you feel like crap for going to yours that's not on, clear signs of manipulation. I would just put that point across in all honestly or he will probably just do it over and over again. It's a toxic move x

Xmasisoffsantahascovid · 17/12/2023 15:54

His reaction to being called out might give you the nudge needed to ltb.

MzHz · 17/12/2023 16:00

I wouldn’t be able NOT to raise this. It would eat away at me

ok so you don’t have to go in all guns blazing @JackTheSad but you can say “look, I know a thing, and I can’t get past this thing and while it’s not WW3, i do need to talk about it”

HappyHamsters · 17/12/2023 16:06

I'd ask him if he has heard from his mates and did they have a good time and wait to see what he says. He'll either tell another lie or tell the truth, either way he sounds pathetic. How do you know it was cancelled.

Shiningout · 17/12/2023 16:09

A liar is a liar, whether it's about huge or small things. Yes I know everyone lies sometimes, but It's always for a reason. For example, I've told people I'm not feeling well and so can't go out when actually I just can't be arsed. So he has lied for what reason? Seems like it's to make you feel bad and to try and get out of parenting his child. Definitely confront him,why on earth wouldn't you?

autienotnaughty · 17/12/2023 16:34

I would have to say something. He basically guilt tripped you right up to the day because he couldn't have his trip out even when it was no longer happening. He wanted you to feel guilty.

thedamnseason · 17/12/2023 16:47

I'd have to say something. His behaviour was really manipulative and needs naming. Is he always like this?

SussexLass87 · 17/12/2023 16:51

I don't know which vote to press that says "call the whingey bastard out on his shitty behaviour"...but do that one. What a knob.

itsmyp4rty · 17/12/2023 17:39

Not being able to stand up for yourself in any way leaves you very vulnerable to being treated as a doormat. He's already being emotionally manipulative and trying to make yo feel bad over something that he already knew had been cancelled.

You suspect he often tells lies like this - how can you trust him about anything? Are you just blindly hoping that he only lies about small things but wouldn't dream of lying about big things?

This doesn't sound like a good man OP.