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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to leave partner after having baby

33 replies

josephine2000 · 17/12/2023 06:09

I really feel as if I would be a lot happier with separating from my partner and co parenting.

I didnt have the easiest pregnancy and I had a really horrific birth with various complications which resulted in a lengthy hospital stay and a 3rd degree tear.

A month on I am still not feeling the best and my partner will make up the formula bottles daily and change nappies majority 75% of the time.

From when I left the hospital he expected me to just crack on with it which resulted in an additional infection and I have been advised by the doctor to get plenty of rest.

All he does is moan at me, he moans about having to take time of work and will moan about having no sex for 9 months.

Yeah he does do a lot but it is not for me he is helping his child as he should do.

The other day when the health advisor came round he was threatening to tell her that I couldnt cope in the hope Social Services would become involved because my parents have asked me to go and stay with them and he does not want me to take the baby away from him.

Everyday we will argue and just tear into each other.
It really is a toxic environment, I absolutely hate his guts the majority of the time.

I cannot stand his moaning a second longer.

Had it not been for me wanting help whilst I recover I would of kicked him out and changed the locks a long time ago.

I just dont see how it benefits me staying with him.
The house is in my name which I pay the rent on (he has his own place) and sometimes he will tell me to leave MY OWN house!

I pay the bills and we go halves on the baby stuff.

He gets really aggressive and says the child isnt is when I say I want the baby to have my surname, he really gets nasty.

I carried my child for 9 months with his moaning and whining so I think I am entitled to give the baby my surname.

I am just so depressed being with him, he throws everything back in my face.
"Most men wouldnt be changing nappies" he reminds me which I find really sexist.

I am thinking of contacting the police as at times he has indirectly threatened to punch me but then says he is joking.

I just dont know what to do anymore, I just want to go to back to my home town and be with my parents, uncle, aunty and cousins who have all offered to help.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this way?

OP posts:
CharlotteSometimes1 · 17/12/2023 06:14

Leave him asap. You don’t need him, you don’t love him, he sounds horrible. Can you go to your parents today? Maybe ask them to come and get you if that feels safer.

adventadvent · 17/12/2023 06:16

CharlotteSometimes1 · 17/12/2023 06:14

Leave him asap. You don’t need him, you don’t love him, he sounds horrible. Can you go to your parents today? Maybe ask them to come and get you if that feels safer.

This

Smugandproud · 17/12/2023 06:17

Kick him out.
Stay with your parents.

Swishyfishy · 17/12/2023 06:32

Tell the police about all his threats, not just the physical ones. Get him removed from the house and go stay with your relatives until things have cooled down.

Leavethebathalone · 17/12/2023 06:39

You should call the police so that his threats are documented. He threatens you rather than helping you. The relationship won't last and he will play nasty so the more evidence of the way he is treating you the better.

LolaSmiles · 17/12/2023 06:45

Leave him and ask your parents for help if you need it.

Men providing care to their children are not "helping" the mother and no woman should be made to feel indebted to a man for him changing some newborn nappies.
Decent men don't threaten their partners with social services to score points. Decent men especially don't threaten a woman who has recently given birth with violence. He's toxic. You and your baby deserve more.

Original poster
josephine2000 · 17/12/2023 06:46

Yes I think I will report it to the police as he really is starting to get quite verbally abusive.

The other day he started punching the sofa and shouting at me infront of our sleeping baby.

Any support he has given me in the past if thrown back at me.
He will ask me " So what have you done for me"?

I absolutely hate his guts and just want to be free of him and concentrate on my baby and being the best mum I can.

OP posts:
Toodles2023 · 17/12/2023 06:50

Leave Op. you don't need him. Maybe leave and go stay with your parents for a while and be safe. Report to police so it's recorded.

Cattiwampus · 17/12/2023 06:53

Go home to your parents, be somewhere safe, peaceful and supportive for the pair of you.
You can think about next steps such as moving permanently when you feel as strong and loved as you ought to be. Your partner is being a lying, aggressive and selfish arse, and you don’t need that in what should be the most marvellous and exciting time.

Jbrown76 · 17/12/2023 11:53

Please tell your parents/mum what he doing, what he has said and threatened to do.

Please contact the police, he will physically escalate to hurting you or the baby.

Get him out of your house, get legal advice. What he is doing is abusive and disgusting. He's a vile, despicable man child.

10HailMarys · 17/12/2023 11:55

josephine2000 · 17/12/2023 06:46

Yes I think I will report it to the police as he really is starting to get quite verbally abusive.

The other day he started punching the sofa and shouting at me infront of our sleeping baby.

Any support he has given me in the past if thrown back at me.
He will ask me " So what have you done for me"?

I absolutely hate his guts and just want to be free of him and concentrate on my baby and being the best mum I can.

Christ, yes, you need to leave him

Whataretheodds · 17/12/2023 11:56

Call the police.
Call the locksmith
Call your parents
Get the locks changed
Chuck him out.
Go and stay with your parents or see if they can come and stay with you for a bit.

SgtJuneAckland · 17/12/2023 11:57

Yes you need to get out, you'll find you cope with the baby a lot better without an abusive arsehole making you feel like shit

cezannesapple · 17/12/2023 11:59

Whataretheodds · 17/12/2023 11:56

Call the police.
Call the locksmith
Call your parents
Get the locks changed
Chuck him out.
Go and stay with your parents or see if they can come and stay with you for a bit.

I agree with this and you need to do it now. He sounds as if he is escalating and you need to be safe. Can your parents come over today? They can deal with throwing him out and changing the locks and you can call the police.

Beezknees · 17/12/2023 12:04

Leave him.

I wouldn't stay at the property at the moment though as it sounds like he potentially could become physically abusive.

If it's a rental property I don't think you can just change the locks without landlord permission. Go to your parents while he is at work and stay there until you can sort out the house.

Sugarsun · 17/12/2023 12:37

Who’s home is it?

Is there space for you to go and live with your parents?

If I was you I would go today and not look back but you need to be prepared to do everything for yourself.

Its not fair on your parents if you expect them to make up bottles and clean up after you etc.

Leaving will be difficult at first especially if he does a lot but it will be the best thing you ever do and you will look back and be very glad you did.

MargotBamborough · 17/12/2023 12:41

Has the baby been registered yet?

If not, leave him off the birth certificate.

He is abusive and you will be better off without him.

Iskpugkk · 17/12/2023 12:43

tell your family; get them to come up while you tell him he needs to pack his stuff and leave and if he gets aggressive then call the police. After that go and stay with your family but make sure he can’t get back into your home. Tell him that you aren’t stopping his relationship with his child and he can still see the baby safely.
If my own DC was in this situation I’d happily step in to help in the absence of a partner and I hope your family are the same. Yes at some point you’ll need to be doing it all but early on most families will want to help as much as they can

Sapphire387 · 17/12/2023 12:47

Do not put him on the birth certificate! Sounds like you haven't registered baby's birth yet?

I'm so sorry, he sounds like a complete shitbag.

TomatoSandwiches · 17/12/2023 12:52

If you were my daughter I would want you to phone me and tell me to come pick you up and I would be there ASAP.
Please ask your parents to help you and definitely do not give baby his surname or put him on the birth certificate.

user1492757084 · 17/12/2023 12:54

There is not one good reason to stay.
Change the locks early in the day and have your family help you move back with them for a bit until you can cope alone.
They should be there while your partner packs his things and goes to live at his own place. If he is a violent man, he could be violent when you are leaving with the child.

Scottishskifun · 17/12/2023 12:55

Please leave and go stay with your parents!

As for men don't change nappies absolute bollocks my DH changes nappies all the time and also has both our boys 1 day a week, plus breakfast time and does half nursery runs. The idea that he's doing you a favour by being a parent is bollocks!

Notimeforaname · 17/12/2023 13:02

You really dont need to leave your own home while you let him stay in it. He needs to leave. You say he has his own place?

If you really need to get away, of course go to your parents but would be easier for you and baby to have all you needed at home. Could anyone come to you?

Nicole1111 · 17/12/2023 13:02

Make a plan so that soon after he leaves for work you get the locks changed on your home, move all his stuff to a storage locker (pay for 1 week or something) and move to your parents for a bit. Be sure to also report him to the police and to ring a domestic abuse charity so you have as much support as possible. Don’t be afraid of social services as he is clearly in the wrong and they will want to support you to safeguard your child from him.

Beezknees · 17/12/2023 13:14

OP cannot just change the locks, she rents the house. She would need to request permission from the landlord.

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