To be suspicious of dd13

Squareeyesnose · 2023-12-16T22:42:29+00:00

Before I post I will say I am extremely suspicious of everyone and everything. tonight dd went to a friends party then asked to stay at her friends. I said yes on the condition I picked them up, so I could check in with her. She text me to say her friend’s dad collected them early as they didn’t want to stay until the end. this all checked out on life 360. i spoke to her on the phone and asked if she had been drinking, she said her friend had had a wkd and she had a few sips. She didn’t seem under the influence. I then video called her just now and she seems ok holding a conversation speaking clearly etc could see her friends too and they seemed ok. i just worry I’m missing something, I worry she could drink alcohol and black out she has promised she is not drinking anything other then those few sips. But I don’t know if I’m being a push over. I don’t condone her drinking at all but I don’t go mad when she tells me the truth in the past she has said the same she had a few sips, never seen her drunk that I know of, she has called me to collect her from places where she said her friends were drinking heavily in the past.

Bookworm1111 · 16/12/2023 22:45

She sounds like she’s being honest but if you start video calling her at every sleepover to check if she’s sober she’s going to stop confiding in you. You either trust her or you don’t.

Wolfiefan · 16/12/2023 22:50

Why on earth are you suspicious of everything and everyone? That sounds exhausting and unhealthy.

category12 · 16/12/2023 22:50

Crikey, you're going to create a situation where she rebels in a massive way and hates you.

You're being overbearing and freaky.

WinterDeWinter · 16/12/2023 22:53

You have to give her some space or you will lose the closeness you have.

Original poster

Squareeyesnose · 16/12/2023 22:53

This is why I am asking for advice! Because I don’t want to be like this. There is a reason for it that I’m not prepared to share but I’m checking myself for this very reason.

im
terrified of anything happening to her im trying my best not to let that affect her

I dont think one video call after her being out is bad as I wanted to check how she was having not seen her. But I have an uneasy feeling

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Wolfiefan · 16/12/2023 22:56

You don’t need to share the reason here. But you do need to deal with that in RL.

Hankunamatata · 16/12/2023 22:58

The key bit is she called you in the past when there's been drinking involved

Original poster

Squareeyesnose · 16/12/2023 23:01

I have a million what if’s going through my head and I wonder if I’m not strict enough but then at the same point she needs to enjoy her life and be part of things with her friends too

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TornIntoPieces · 16/12/2023 23:03

I don't think calling her just once is such a bad thing. Respect and trust is earned in my eyes. Every one of us remembers being a teen so we know what you can get up to, that's what makes it hard!

I work with parents who swear blind they know where their kids are at all times/who they are with/what they are doing - most of the time it ends up that they've been up to all sorts!

Whattodo112222 · 16/12/2023 23:06

You have the potential to be suffocating if you don't stop and she'll just not tell you a single thing at all. She has been honest with you, I'd take a lot of comfort from that that so far she trusts you.

Wolfiefan · 16/12/2023 23:06

The problem is you overthinking and not trusting. Not your child. You really need to address what’s going on in your head.

Ineedasitdown · 16/12/2023 23:08

It’s an unpopular opinion but you can say no to sleepovers. I once asked a friend who’s dd had got into drugs what her advice would be for doing things differently. The advice was not to agree to sleepovers.

if they have to come home they have less chance of hiding what they have been up to.
one of mine went to a friends sleepover around that age- turns out they had been roaming the streets at 1am whilst the mother was out cold with sleeping tablet. He never slept over again.
I also really would not be ok with 13 yr olds at parties with alcohol. That would be a flat no too.
my ds are older teens now- they have not been affected or missed out from a lack of alcohol or teenage sleepovers.

Precipice · 16/12/2023 23:12

You called her twice during the same party/sleepover? Excessive.

Of course she was able to hold a conversation and seemed okay. This would also be the case if she'd had more than a "few sips". WKD is not high in alcohol, less than most beers. How do you expect to tell if someone's had a small amount of alcohol? Why would you worry that she would "black out" specifically? That seems like a very unlikely scenario, even if she'd had quite a lot more than she admitted to you here.

Original poster

Squareeyesnose · 16/12/2023 23:12

Whattodo112222 · 16/12/2023 23:06

You have the potential to be suffocating if you don't stop and she'll just not tell you a single thing at all. She has been honest with you, I'd take a lot of comfort from that that so far she trusts you.

Well I would put money on it she had pre than a few sips, I’m basing this on what I was like as a teenager but the main thing is she did say and she didn’t seem drunk

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Minglingpringle · 16/12/2023 23:12

Even if she does drink a bit it’s unlikely to be the end of the world if she’s a stable and sensible girl. Why does your mind jump straight to her blacking out (and what do you think would then happen if she did)? I’ve never blacked out from drinking in my life. Is she troubled in some way? Has something similar happened to someone else?

Mariposista · 16/12/2023 23:13

Do you seriously have nothing better to do on a Saturday night than micromanage your daughter. I’m surprised she tells you anything.

hopeishere · 16/12/2023 23:15

To be honest 13 is too young even for a few sips IMHO. But if that's the norm for her and her friends then fine. Just try and relax. Don't interrogate her.

Original poster

Squareeyesnose · 16/12/2023 23:16

Ineedasitdown · 16/12/2023 23:08

It’s an unpopular opinion but you can say no to sleepovers. I once asked a friend who’s dd had got into drugs what her advice would be for doing things differently. The advice was not to agree to sleepovers.

if they have to come home they have less chance of hiding what they have been up to.
one of mine went to a friends sleepover around that age- turns out they had been roaming the streets at 1am whilst the mother was out cold with sleeping tablet. He never slept over again.
I also really would not be ok with 13 yr olds at parties with alcohol. That would be a flat no too.
my ds are older teens now- they have not been affected or missed out from a lack of alcohol or teenage sleepovers.

So this was a family party at a venue set up. I do t think alcohol
was freely available I think it was a friend brought it type scenario - my dd had no way of accessing it

i normally do she was due to stay at one friends but that mum said her dd could stay at another girls. I know the family reallly well and the dad’s sensible.
but yes I am funny about sleepovers and I think in future I need to be mindful of this. There’s about 4 of them sleeping over and dd just really wanted to be included which is why o thought ok I’ll agree but do a FaceTime seeing as I didn’t see her after the party which was actually the agreement

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Missillusioned78 · 16/12/2023 23:18

I don’t get how chilled everyone is being. If it was my dd at aged only 13 I would be just the same as OP

Aqua20 · 16/12/2023 23:18

She is 13! Whose buying them the drinks? I'd not be happy if my child was out drinking at that age! This is the age where they are at an impressionable age, they should be close to parents as much as possible to guide them through this difficult stage, especially with hormones flying around too!!

JenJenJenJenJenJen · 16/12/2023 23:19

The second this girl gets a sniff of freedom, she’s going to go nuts. You’re going to teach her to be sneaky, OP. My mother did the same.

Original poster

Squareeyesnose · 16/12/2023 23:19

hopeishere · 16/12/2023 23:15

To be honest 13 is too young even for a few sips IMHO. But if that's the norm for her and her friends then fine. Just try and relax. Don't interrogate her.

It’s not the normal at all! She knows she’s not allowed I just don’t go mad when she tells me things like that because I want her to be honest. I disapprove but am not to drastic
no idea if that’s the right way or not 🤷‍♀️ she’s told me twice before she’s had a few swigs of someone’s drink

I have let her have a glass of baileys with me in the past and she wasn’t interested at all after the first sip which fills me with hope lol

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Original poster

Squareeyesnose · 16/12/2023 23:20

Mariposista · 16/12/2023 23:13

Do you seriously have nothing better to do on a Saturday night than micromanage your daughter. I’m surprised she tells you anything.

No there is nothing more important than ensuring the safety of my child
I went out and didn’t drink a drop myself so I can be on call for my daughter - that’s parenting not micro managing

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Original poster

Squareeyesnose · 16/12/2023 23:23

Minglingpringle · 16/12/2023 23:12

Even if she does drink a bit it’s unlikely to be the end of the world if she’s a stable and sensible girl. Why does your mind jump straight to her blacking out (and what do you think would then happen if she did)? I’ve never blacked out from drinking in my life. Is she troubled in some way? Has something similar happened to someone else?

I come from a family of problematic drinkers., some of whom have been in really bad predicaments.
so far iv not seen any reckless behaviour from her some mistakes she hasn’t repeated but certainly not reckless.

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ectoone · 16/12/2023 23:24

Missillusioned78 · 16/12/2023 23:18

I don’t get how chilled everyone is being. If it was my dd at aged only 13 I would be just the same as OP

This. The replies are as if the child is 15/16.

13 is very much a child and mine wouldn't be at parties with alcohol at 13, let alone decide not to stay at a friends after it.