To be surprised at being called ‘selfish’ here?

[FatOldBitch]

I am newly pregnant and having a very anxious time due to a previous late loss.

I have a prescription for sertraline but have so far not taken it as, although things aren’t easy, I feel I am getting by OK without it at present.

My psychologist however has told me I am ‘selfish’ not to take it. I found this perspective surprising as my reasoning had been the exact opposite in that I was putting my unborn baby before myself. The doctor who prescribed it said that, although any risks are thought to be very minimal, she couldn’t promise they were actually zero. She left me the prescription and agreed I’d fill it if I felt it necessary.

Yet my psychologist is concerned about the effect of my anxiety on my 3.5 year-old. This wasn’t something I’d thought very significant if I’m honest. Said anxiety mainly manifests as frequent rushes to the bathroom with heart-racing to check for bleeding. I’m not sure that’s really affecting him?

It also feels quite belittling as an adult to be called ‘selfish’ to my face. ‘Have you considered the effect this may be having on your DS?’ would surely have been a better way to raise this and open a discussion about it. AIBU?

Shockingly inappropriate comment by your psychologist. YANBU OP, and I would consider making a formal complaint.

You are not selfish and it’s completely your decision whether to take Setraline or not, do not feel in any way pressured by this kind of bullying language and coercion. x

That remark is ridiculous. I have terrible anxiety and sertraline didn't do a thing for me. I wonder if it really helps anyone or if it just makes doctors feel better about themselves. I've never heard anyone say SSRIs help their anxiety. Therapy, mindfulness techniques, etc work so much better. I took some antihistamines during my last pregnancy which helped a little. That's a lot safer. There's more options than shaming you! What a crap doctor!

I think the term 'selfish' is worthy of a complaint. Shockingly inappropriate from your psychologist.

I think you should return to your GP for a repeat conversation about whether they feel the Sertraline would benefit you or if they genuinely feel it is ok either way.

I'm so sorry you're going through this period of worry. Very understandable after your previous experience.

Just so you know, a psychologist is not a medical doctor. They cannot prescribe and do not have the years of training at medical school that a psychiatrist has. I would not take the advice of a psychologist over that of a doctor on a medical matter.

Erm your prescribed it for a reason I know a few who have been on it all there adult life kids are fine. Same for me 4 kids all fine. Sadly you don't always see your own ups,downs etc. It also helped control the post natal afterwards

@FatOldBitch First, I am so sorry about your loss. I mc'd early this year and it was very traumatic for me. Everyone handles it differently and that's ok. 💐

If you haven't been through it, you don't know...

I also have medical conditions requiring medication to manage them, but am medication-free now while pregnant (high-risk pregnancy).

It's not easy. I have had a lot of counselling in the past and use strategies I've learned to help manage my panic attacks. It's not perfect, but I'm getting by and so far haven't been down the rabbit hole.

Please change counsellors and, if poss, find one specializing in loss/mc. Also, there are countless vids on YT for depression/anxiety/panic attacks.

sending you (and everyone else who deals with this) 🩷🩷🩷

https://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/

I agree that calling you selfish was rude and wrong but I think you may be mis-classifying the risks. Your 3.5yo will definitely be picking up on your anxiety and will be being affected by it. You are incorrect that the current anxiety symptoms are minor. The medication you have been offered will definitely improve things for both you and your toddler. The risks to your unborn child are very minor in comparison. The threshold for taking it "if you need it" should be "if you are experiencing anxiety symptoms" which you are.

As someone who has PP haemorrhage and almost died, I can completely understand you not taking it. That's the opposite of selfish, as you want to be alive for you DS. Your psychologist is wrong for calling you selfish. They should not have press their bias on you like that. Op you know your body and mind! Trust it x

No one can say here wether you should take it or not.

I think selfish was the wrong word. However, your anxiety isn’t just going to the toilet to check for bleeding then perfectly ok. You are anxious and yes, children pick up on you being generally anxious. Plus as op said, anxiety in pregnancy can impact the unborn baby. You start thinking about whether you are bleeding, your anxiety starts building you go to the toilet and come out temporarily relieved. Your child will pick up on the fact that their mum starts to (for them) randomly become anxious and tense as a regular occurrence. It can make children feel quite anxious themselves.

Obviously yiur decision. Your Councillor is right your toddler will pick up on it. Your anxiety will be having a worse affect on your baby then the antidepressant will be.

I had dreadful postnatal anxiety with my secondborn child. I didn't take anything for it (the GP actually convinced me not to 🙄), and now I have an anxious 17 year old.
We honestly can't win!

You are not selfish and a psychologist should not have said that. In fact, it is 'bad psychology' to accuse someone of being selfish. Whether you are right or wrong not to take the Sertraline, either decision would not make you 'selfish'.

A psychologist is not a medical doctor who cannot prescribe medication; their role is to give support and try to encourage a patient to make informed decisions and reach their own conclusions. He or she is being judgemental and unprofessional.

Are you under the care of a psychiatrist for your mental health problem or has your GP prescribed the med?

I would say, if you can manage without Sertraline, do so. What happened with your previous pregnancy was awful but the obstetric team will be keeping an eye on you in order to avoid such a thing happening again.

If you find you cannot keep your depression/anxiety under control with relaxation exercises, meditation etc, it is possible to be prescribed a more gentle medication than Sertraline.

Try to keep as physically healthy as you can and take gentle exercise, listen to music, pamper yourself a little. Enlist your partner's help in keeping you and your baby well.

Good luck.

Saying you’re selfish wasn’t appropriate but having an anxious mum can have a major impact on young children, and potentially on your pregnancy and unborn child.

It really does depend on the whole conversation. Op could have said ‘it is/I feel selfish taking it’

and the reply was ‘but with that thinking you could argue it’s selfish not to’

or op saying ‘I don’t want to take it’ and the reply being ‘that’s just selfish’ which would be awful.

And honestly, people don’t see psychologist or psychiatrist for some occasional low level anxiety. There obviously more at play here. Which is why it may not be helpful to label the person op is talking about as bad or rubbish.

I agree with you Lifeasiknowitisout. A lot depends on the conversation in general, not the specific word.

Like other posters I struggle with the belief that children don't pick up on parental anxiety or the anxiety is just one action. Low level anxiety doesn't tend to involve a psychologist or the doctor has prescribed the medication because they have concluded it's clinically justifiable.

In OP's situation she needs to take on board the advice she's been given by the relevant health professionals and the needs and risks to her unborn baby and her child by each course of action to make a decision.

Your psychologist is shit. I’d get a new one.

She clearly has no understanding of your thinking patterns and reasoning, and she’s voicing negative judgemental words towards you, so she’s not going to be able to help you.

I think it’s very wise to be extremely conservative about taking anything in pregnancy. I hope you feel better soon OP.

She said psychologist. Psychologists are not doctors. They are counsellors.

I think that’s the confusion op said the psychologist gave her the prescription. So people are assuming it’s actually a psychiatrist

@Helar not they are not psychiatrists but they are also not counsellors and calling them that really devalues their skills and training.
A clinical psychologist will have done at least 7 years of training and have a doctorate level qualification.

@FatOldBitch firstly, I'm really sorry about your previous loss and how hard this pregnancy must be feeling as a result.

I think it's really important to weigh up the risks here. Whilst no-one wants anything to happen to your baby, they also do need to consider your health and the health and wellbeing of your child too and it sounds like they're worried about that.

Parental mental health issues can have lasting impacts on children and your baby in utero so not having treatment isn't without risk either.

I think you need to really weigh up what the risks and benefits are of taking medication in pregnancy. You might need other people to tell you really honestly how you're presenting to them. So partner, friends, family as well as health professionals because when we're in a MH crisis we don't always have a good perspective on this.

Are you under the perinatal MH team? If not, could you ask to be referred? Calling you selfish doesn't sound great but I wonder what the context of the conversation was.

Well firstly not all of them are so highly qualified and they vary wildly in approaches , philosophy, ability and quality. This one sounds rubbish.

It’s a completely different skill set and role to a GP and I don’t think calling it counselling devalues it. When done well it is empathetic, spontaneous, skilled and invaluable. Life-changing, life-saving. When done badly it can make things worse.

One thing they are not is a medic and they should not be giving medical advice or be considered as the equivalent of a medical doctor. What psychologists do is not less valuable, but it is different and many people don’t understand that.

No, she said the doctor gave her it. I think a lot of people think psychologists are doctors so I just wanted to point this out.

Doctors love prescribing SSRIs. It would be great if they actually worked, but studies show they are little better than placebos. I wouldn't want to take them during pregnancy either for that reason alone.

Said anxiety mainly manifests as frequent rushes to the bathroom with heart-racing to check for bleeding. I’m not sure that’s really affecting him? do not underestimate the impact of seeing a parent in any kind of distress.

But no, they shouldn't have called you selfish.

I work for a Perinatal Mental Health Service. Firstly, I am so so sorry for your earlier loss.

There is a LOT of misinformation on this thread. The psychologist was unprofessional to use the term selfish to describe your very valid concern about the medication. What they meant was to consider the risks of not treating your anxiety on your child and unborn - there is a lot of research that concludes exposure to a mother with an untreated mental health condition can lead to long term difficulties and higher chance your children will suffer from their own struggles when they grow up. It is a very individual choice. Whilst the majority are wonderful, GPs do not have the specialist knowledge or time to address lots of this properly (not their fault at all btw).

I recommend you ask the psychologist if you can have a consultation with another clinician to discuss medication - hopefully the psychiatrist or pharmacist within the perinatal service you are under can help you weigh up the risks and benefits of each and come to a decision. They are both specialists in the area and will be able to give you all the information to make a decision