To be put off by men being sex-obsessed?

Whatyoutryingtodo · 2023-12-16T21:59:50+00:00

I know it's not every single man but I feel like a very large proposition of men over 18, even the nice, decent and kind men are just heavily motivated by sex. Even though it's biologically-driven just the same as women have urges to have children, it just grosses me out how desperate men are to sleep with someone. They will happily sleep with women they aren't even that interested in or attracted to, and will feed a pack of lies to women to get what they want. I'm very recently single but I just CBA dating to some extent in the future, because even if future guys are decent men, I know that's what a large motivation will be for them. I know women can also be very driven by it but it's just not at all to the same extent. I don't know what the solution is really, you see people suggesting on here that we ought to 'make men wait' as it will change how they view us in terms of a relationship prospect.

Catsmere · 16/12/2023 22:04

I have no advice, never having been involved with men, but I agree, and sympathise.

AussiUnHomme · 16/12/2023 22:05

That's because sex is really nice.

LoveHema · 16/12/2023 22:09

I know what you mean OP. It's gross. Like dogs in heat. The expectation that we should be flattered is quite comical.

Original poster

Whatyoutryingtodo · 16/12/2023 22:17

You just know when a man meets you for the first time he's mentally undressing you and deciding if you're fuckable or not. I've had everything from 18 to 98 be pervy or look me up and down tbh..
But I suppose there's no solution.

OP posts:

RedheadRedBed · 16/12/2023 22:20

My dad warned me that a lot of men will tell a woman anything to get her into bed . Anything he thinks she wants to hear . He also said young lads placed bets with each other to see who could bed certain girls first . He always told me to keep my guard up.

SilverAntelope · 16/12/2023 22:21

I feel the same. And I feel like if I go for a guy who's not trying to fuck me then he never will and it will lead to a sexless relationship which I don't want. But if I go for someone who's obviously into my body how can I trust that that's not the only thing he's into me for.

RedheadRedBed · 16/12/2023 22:22

SilverAntelope · 16/12/2023 22:21

I feel the same. And I feel like if I go for a guy who's not trying to fuck me then he never will and it will lead to a sexless relationship which I don't want. But if I go for someone who's obviously into my body how can I trust that that's not the only thing he's into me for.

Just make them wait for the goodies .

Original poster

Whatyoutryingtodo · 16/12/2023 22:24

It shouldn't have to be some sort of prize that we withhold until they've proven themselves. There was a thread about this recently where apparently 99% of posters slept with DP within minutes and here they are still married decades later.
I've never been proposed to in my life, I often wonder if I will ever find someone who wants to marry me and I don't know if I will, but that's another thread.

OP posts:

LoveHema · 16/12/2023 22:27

SilverAntelope · 16/12/2023 22:21

I feel the same. And I feel like if I go for a guy who's not trying to fuck me then he never will and it will lead to a sexless relationship which I don't want. But if I go for someone who's obviously into my body how can I trust that that's not the only thing he's into me for.

The good news is any guy will be as good as gold to you as long as he fancies your socks off. Just have to pick wisely I guess.

StarlightLady · 16/12/2023 22:33

Sexual attraction is healthy and positive. Regardless of gender or orientation, relationships are initially sex based, if you are not sexually compatible in the bedroom, a relationship is not going to be happy. There are lots of examples of this causing problems on MN, don’t join them.

Good sex should make you purr.

AmazingDayz · 16/12/2023 22:34

Whatyoutryingtodo · 16/12/2023 22:24

It shouldn't have to be some sort of prize that we withhold until they've proven themselves. There was a thread about this recently where apparently 99% of posters slept with DP within minutes and here they are still married decades later.
I've never been proposed to in my life, I often wonder if I will ever find someone who wants to marry me and I don't know if I will, but that's another thread.

And how many men had they slept with first that they never heard from again? 🤷.

StarlightLady · 16/12/2023 22:36

RedheadRedBed · 16/12/2023 22:22

Just make them wait for the goodies .

Show quote history

Sex is not something we “give” to men. Good sex is about sharing, quality and passion.

Original poster

Whatyoutryingtodo · 16/12/2023 22:36

Yes absolutely sexual attraction is a healthy and positive thing. It's just that I feel like it's the main thing in the minds of most men at the time, as opposed to any other reason for wanting to spend time with a particular woman.

OP posts:

Coolstorysis · 16/12/2023 22:42

Yeah it's all pretty dull really. Basic as fuck.

LoveHema · 16/12/2023 22:42

Whatyoutryingtodo · 16/12/2023 22:24

It shouldn't have to be some sort of prize that we withhold until they've proven themselves. There was a thread about this recently where apparently 99% of posters slept with DP within minutes and here they are still married decades later.
I've never been proposed to in my life, I often wonder if I will ever find someone who wants to marry me and I don't know if I will, but that's another thread.

But it should been withhold at least until a/ they've demonstrated they're not complete toads, and b/ you're equally in the mood, no? In fact, why shouldn't it be considered a prize? We don't owe it to anyone who asks.

AzureBlue99 · 16/12/2023 22:51

I was just about to post men are basic but @Coolstorysis beat me to it.

They just are. Don't think they can help it. Just the way they are and they have never had it so good with Tinder etc. Putting them on romantic pedestals is daft really. Men go to prison, go gay for the stay, literally any hole will do. Sorry to be crude but we were all sold a romance myth.

Not sure that helps anyone looking for love when males first thought is sex.

User135644 · 17/12/2023 14:21

AzureBlue99 · 16/12/2023 22:51

I was just about to post men are basic but @Coolstorysis beat me to it.

They just are. Don't think they can help it. Just the way they are and they have never had it so good with Tinder etc. Putting them on romantic pedestals is daft really. Men go to prison, go gay for the stay, literally any hole will do. Sorry to be crude but we were all sold a romance myth.

Not sure that helps anyone looking for love when males first thought is sex.

They're all just out for sex at all times.

Naptrappedmummy · 17/12/2023 14:34

Whatyoutryingtodo · 16/12/2023 22:24

It shouldn't have to be some sort of prize that we withhold until they've proven themselves. There was a thread about this recently where apparently 99% of posters slept with DP within minutes and here they are still married decades later.
I've never been proposed to in my life, I often wonder if I will ever find someone who wants to marry me and I don't know if I will, but that's another thread.

It ‘shouldn’t’ be, but really life doesn’t work in terms of what should happen does happen. Either you play the system to get the result you want (nothing terrible or immoral, just being a little tactical and careful) or you risk losing out. It’s fine if you want to go through life missing out but occupying a moral highground, but I don’t, and neither do many people.

Back to the sex thing, yes men are sex obsessed. Even in LTRs they still seem very up for it most of the time. It’s a main motivator for them. But, is there something wrong with that (provided it doesn’t stray into grey areas of consent, fidelity etc?). I don’t think so - women would never be encouraged not to prioritise something that was important to them.

Naptrappedmummy · 17/12/2023 14:35

AussiUnHomme · 16/12/2023 22:05

That's because sex is really nice.

Also this, it’s extremely enjoyable and basically the best sensation you will ever feel physically so I’m not sure why it’s such a surprise?

Newlydivorcedyay · 17/12/2023 14:37

This thread is so depressing! And I don't think it's true. Obviously men are interested in sex, but if you're not enjoying all aspects of a relationship then don't bother being in it. Like, if the only worthwhile part is the sex, it's a shame, there should also be conversation, taste in music, doing cool stuff together...

GrumpyOldCrone · 17/12/2023 14:37

I think the double standard does no one any favours. As long as women are considered ‘sluts’ for having casual sex, or sex with more than the average number of men, we’ll be stuck with this ridiculous situation where women have to guess whether men have basic respect for them, and men who don’t respect women lie to get laid.

tescocreditcard · 17/12/2023 14:45

I think the availability of free internet porn has made things much worse

Nonplusultra · 17/12/2023 15:00

I agree with most of what you’re saying op, but I think it’s all a good reason to have very high standards.

Sex can be very enjoyable. It can also be damaging. There’s nothing wrong with having a good time with another consenting adult, but you should only ever have sex because you want to. It’s all the other reasons and associations that make it problematic. And if being dumped after sex is going to be damaging, it’s better to avoid it.

I think there’s a lot to be said for learning to take care of your own needs - if you can give yourself great orgasms, good company, enjoyable experiences, and earn your own money then the only men that are worth the effort have to be bringing something really worthwhile to the table.

I wish we didn’t live in a society that still puts so much emphasis on being part of a couple - it’s subtle and insidious but it can be easier, in myriad ways, to be married than to be single.

I think it comes down to how much you want to be part of a couple, and what compromises you’re willing to make.

platinumplus · 17/12/2023 15:07

I had a long term boyfriend who was the opposite and we didn't have sex until 3/4 months of being together. It was a very welcome change. He was a really decent and lovely person but sadly just not the one for me in the end.

What I hate is when you meet a really nice guy and they seem kind, gentle and genuine and then they get into the bedroom and turn into an amateur porn star (not in a good way). The ultimate ick.

10HailMarys · 17/12/2023 15:10

Not really that weird to want sex, though, is it? I’m quite keen on it myself. It’s not the only thing I want in a relationship but I’d find it a bit depressing being with someone who didn’t get excited at the chance of a shag with me.

It never ceases to amaze me how many Mumsnetters absolutely despise men and yet still seem to want relationships with them. If a man spoke about women in the way some people on here speak about men, I would run a fucking mile from him because it would be the biggest red flag in the history of red flags.

If you really feel this way about men, buy yourself a vibrator and stay single rather than going through your life treating every relationship as some sort of weird battle of the sexes.