To be put off by men being sex-obsessed?

[Whatyoutryingtodo]

I know it's not every single man but I feel like a very large proposition of men over 18, even the nice, decent and kind men are just heavily motivated by sex.
Even though it's biologically-driven just the same as women have urges to have children, it just grosses me out how desperate men are to sleep with someone.
They will happily sleep with women they aren't even that interested in or attracted to, and will feed a pack of lies to women to get what they want.
I'm very recently single but I just CBA dating to some extent in the future, because even if future guys are decent men, I know that's what a large motivation will be for them.
I know women can also be very driven by it but it's just not at all to the same extent.
I don't know what the solution is really, you see people suggesting on here that we ought to 'make men wait' as it will change how they view us in terms of a relationship prospect.

OP it's been the same since time immemorial. Men are programmed to sow their seed and women are programmed to get pregnant. Most men have an overwhelming urge to fuck and most women have an overwhelming urge to produce offspring. They are primeval urges that ensure our survival as a species.

It's just that men didn't used to be so full on or obvious in years gone by but since the advent of porn, Tinder, the pill and a whole host of other societal boundaries disappearing, the world is their oyster really.

No of course it's not weird to want it, it's the lengths a lot of men are prepared to go to to get it, which includes lies, and the fact that they'd do it with pretty much any female even if they weren't interested in them.

Men are programmed to sow their seed and go to sleep, while the woman is programmed to seek further (may be better quality?) seed elsewhere while the man sleeps.

Tinder, the pill (and other contraception), plus other boundaries disappearing, have given us the ability to enjoy our bodies, and passionate sex, with less judgement than before, and realising that quality sex does not have to mean the same partner for life.

Of course you are not being unreasonable to be put off by men like that.i hold my hands up I spent the best part of from aged 13 to 25 being just like this.

There comes a time when a man needs to grow up and concentrate more on more important things than his penis.

I'm pretty sure women are sick and tired of this sort of behaviour I hold my hands up I've been guilty of it in the past and I'm quite ashamed of it

It's how men are, sex obsessed (gay culture can be even more explicit and promiscuous so its not just for women).

Women on average have a much lower sex drive, plus as sex is so easy to obtain from willing/desperate men, it loses value.

Sex is high value to me though, so I like that as an overweight woman in my 50s, it's easy to get. I'd rather have sex than do most other things that people suggest to relax (journalling, crafting, meditating, gardening etc). The only question really is, do I want sex with this person? If the answer is yes (and it usually is - I am sexually interested in about 60% of men and a significant number of women), are they up for it? I like the simplicity of it and I don't find it insulting if a man isn't interested in spending time with me otherwise, because I rarely am interested in spending time with them, I'd rather be alone. I don't feel anything negative about men who have sex with a lot of people, and I don't feel ashamed of myself. I'm now with DP and enjoy more things with him but he's a rare animal.

I will say that this has all come about since I went past having children. So I think the procreation urge is the difficult bit to manage.

One of my best friends (woman, 40), does not want to have sex before marriage. She's absolutely amazing and beautiful, but has never had more than a three month relationship as no man these days can handle this rule.

I agree, it's depressing.

There was a thread about this recently where apparently 99% of posters slept with DP within minutes and here they are still married decades later.
I've never been proposed to in my life

Well, firstly, polls like this are self selecting so you're only going to get people saying it worked out for them because they are the ones choosing to answer. No-one is going to say they slept with loads of men and none of them worked out. Equally, unless those women were all virgins when they met their partners, which I highly doubt, they must have had other relationships or encounters that did not work out before meeting their husbands so what happened to those guys?

Sex is important and it can be absolutely amazing with the right person so it's not wrong to think that sexual compatibility is vital. I also want to be sexually wanted by someone and know that they are attracted to me. I think the issue is when it feels like they don't care about other aspects of you or your personality and ONLY care about a shag and see you only in terms of your "shagability" rather than as a whole and complete person. That can be very dehumanising as worth is so much more than just sex.

Basically, I want someone who fancies me but also loves spending time with me and enjoys my company and I don't think that's an unreasonable ask. So, to answer your question, I have no issue with men wanting sex as long as it's not only that and there is an appreciation of me as a person as well. I think when you interact with people, it becomes very obvious which category the person you are talking to falls in to so just be very discerning and trust your gut going forward in the dating arena.

I’m not so sure that women have a lower sex drive or how this idea has been arrived at. I think it’s more a case of lack of understanding about how a woman “works”.

MN is littered with threads from women lamenting lack of sex and/or minimal sex. A woman experiencing bad sex can be mistaken for having a low sex drive, that is often a woman not wanting sex selfish style.

l think women have a more complex sex drive system and reach their sexual peak when they are much older than men. One recent post on MN referred to sex lasting 30 minutes from start of foreplay, suggesting that was a long time.

The gay scene has been mentioned above too, and, in general, women tend to quietly get on with it, but their libido is very much there.

There’s another big issue here, which means that things are not on a level playing field too, unless they are trying to conceive, there is the pregnancy risk, plus there is the society driven attitudinal risk of name calling and worse. I’ve been told in a thread on MN that they had names for girls like me when they were at school. Things are improving but we still have a long way to go.

Hormonal contraception is potentially a factor in lowering sex drive for many as well.

StarlightLady · 16/12/2023 22:33
Sexual attraction is healthy and positive. Regardless of gender or orientation, relationships are initially sex based, if you are not sexually compatible in the bedroom, a relationship is not going to be happy. There are lots of examples of this causing problems on MN, don’t join them.

Good sex should make you purr.

Unfortunately your comment couldn't be any more wrong! What happens when the sex vanishes when you get older and its no longer such a big deal? Will the relationship last? Relationships are about understanding and deep connections. These are the solid foundations for a solid relationship. Plenty of couples who have been together for decades and can get to a point where sex is almost non existent. If you think you both need to be rampant in your fifties when sexual urges are bound to diminish then that is a problem.

Unfortunately your comment couldn't be any more wrong! What happens when the sex vanishes when you get older and its no longer such a big deal? Will the relationship last? Relationships are about understanding and deep connections. These are the solid foundations for a solid relationship. Plenty of couples who have been together for decades and can get to a point where sex is almost non existent. If you think you both need to be rampant in your fifties when sexual urges are bound to diminish then that is a problem.

Strange challenging me and calling me “wrong” (as opposed to saying you disagree), some 3 months later. Sex can change with age, but it is still healthy. I have a single friend in her 60s who is regularly seeing and having sex with 2 different partners (not at the same time, l hasten to add) and says she’s having the time of her life.

I support @StarlightLady - yes sex becomes less of a big deal with your long term partner in your 50s, and other facets of a strong bond perhaps become more important.

But women's sex drive through and after menopause can pick up hugely and why? New partners.

Gradually society is waking up to the fact that there are more ways to be independent in our life choices, deal with our desires, build lasting, respectful bonds, care for children and build a home, stay healthy, and give both men and women what they crave... than was offered us in the institution of patriarchal marriage.

I think the woman described upthread who wouldn't have sex before marriage is an eejit, personally, who needs to look at where her assumptions come from.

You stated in your post "if you are not sexually compatible in the bedroom, a relationship is not going to be happy". This is factually incorrect. You can have a sexless relationship and still be extremely happy. I know couples who had great sex and are either divorced or their relationship is toxic. There is more to life than sex. If you are having great sex then I am happy for you but it is not the be all and end all. If you build a relationship on just one element and that disappears, like a stack of cards your relationship can collapse. Why did these people split up when they were having such great sex? Boredom? Then what? Is it sexual experimentation? The swinging scene? I think that could be a rocky road to go down for SOME people.

p.s. I commented three months later because I have just seen your post.

@Rachelmannow - I am not wrong! And neither are you. We merely see things differently. And we have both based our views/comments on real life experiences. That's how life works.

A sexless relationship where both partners are happy IS sexual compatibility. Same as the couple who have great sex daily. Same as swingers who are into the same thing as their partner.

Sexual compatibility does not prevent toxicity in a relationship but sexual incompatibility will certainly hasten it.

Agreed! I never read that properly.

Some posters don't seem to have read the post properly. The OP didn't say she was put off by men liking sex or enjoying sex. She didn't say she thought sex was an unimportant part of a relationship. She's fed up with men for whom it's all about sex, and whose behaviour around women, and in relationships seems to be motivated only by the desire to have sex.

YANBU, OP. I think it's pretty much a biological imperative though. We are only fertile for a few days a month and for a limited number of years, plus being pregnant pauses that. Men can impregnate multiple women, any hour, any day, and for much, much more of their life. It's hardly surprising their sex drive can be relentless. Some of them are just better at hiding it than others.

My husband always wants it, it drives me mad as I'd rather not most of the time

With every person l’ve been intimate with, I’ve wanted sex as much and as often as them.

It's easy enough to understand men. All they think about or are interested in is sex.