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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how to put a five year old back in his box

52 replies

Pieceofvanilla · 16/12/2023 21:44

my son is 4 and adores his ‘big’ cousin who is 5 nearly 6
not really a cousin if it makes any difference. He’s my DP’s cousin’s son. Anyway we see them at Christmas and about 3/4 other times of the year.

they are all very nice people and I’m happy to spend time with them but it is a matter of fact that they have much more money than us.

the boy, let’s call him Tim, tells my son (and the rest of us) that he had a bigger house, more toys, bigger better flashier Christmas tree etc on a regular basis. It’s true and he doesn’t necessarily say it with great malice, but it annoys me, and I’m wondering how I coach my son with this challenge especially as the years go by and he gets older and more conscious of it

so yeah let me have your smart alek come backs!! But also, how to help my son deal with people belittling his stuff and describing much better stuff??!!!!!!

OP posts:
Didimum · 16/12/2023 21:46

Kids do this a lot. The ‘cousin’ will most likely grow out of it, so I don’t think you should worry too much.

sprigatito · 16/12/2023 21:49

I would probably say "It's not what you have that counts, it's what you do!" and teach DS to say the same. Just shut it down every time and then change the subject.

Sunflower8848 · 16/12/2023 21:51

”yes, aren’t you lucky. We are very lucky because we have soooo much love in our family”

MiddleParking · 16/12/2023 21:52

You don’t put someone else’s five year old who you see infrequently and alongside their parents “back in their box”.

AhBiscuits · 16/12/2023 21:52

He's 5. Just get over it?

Candycurrantbun · 16/12/2023 21:53

He's 5. You don't need smart Alec comebacks. You are the grown up.

MissyB1 · 16/12/2023 21:54

Teach your ds to look him straight in the face and say “you are showing off”.

Yesididntdothat · 16/12/2023 21:54

I hope the poster saying to say you have more love was joking! That would be an awful thing to say to a child. He is too young to be doing this as a showing off thing.

Candycurrantbun · 16/12/2023 21:54

Sunflower8848 · 16/12/2023 21:51

”yes, aren’t you lucky. We are very lucky because we have soooo much love in our family”

Implying that the 5 year old is not loved?

MiddleParking · 16/12/2023 21:57

Yesididntdothat · 16/12/2023 21:54

I hope the poster saying to say you have more love was joking! That would be an awful thing to say to a child. He is too young to be doing this as a showing off thing.

The five year old would also be unlikely to understand the inference, so it would serve pretty much the sole purpose of making OP sound completely vicious and possibly insane to her partner’s family.

TooTender · 16/12/2023 21:58

Smart alec comebacks are not the solution here. Just tell the boy firmly but kindly ‘it’s not very polite to boast about what you have. We’re all very lucky to have everything we need in this family’. Repeat ad nauseam. He’ll grow out of it.

AintNothinButARoundFrog · 16/12/2023 21:58

"I'm happy for you, but it's not nice to brag"

HunterHearstHelmsley · 16/12/2023 22:00

"Cool story, bro"?

Obviously your child has to say that, not you😉

This sort of thing sucks. You know it's come from the parents so want to bite back but you can't as it's being said by a child.

Desecratedcoconut · 16/12/2023 22:01

So his cousin says this by way of observation and without malice, and now you want to tell your child that he should be offended and to have a come back?

I mean, come on.

Useruser1212 · 16/12/2023 22:06

Sounds like you are projecting your own insecurities.

WillowCraft · 16/12/2023 22:19

It's normal for kids to do this. My daughter and her friend are constantly saying what stuff they have to each other. They are both about equally and averagely well off and neither set of parents are remotely braggy. They have no concept of value so are usually showing off about some cheap piece of plastic tat.

I would just ignore. If your own son does it then tell him off if you want, but it's not your place to parent someone else's child, unless your child is getting upset

JuliaJoJelly · 16/12/2023 22:39

He is 5 - he is just stating a fact. Our tree is bigger than yours. He doesn't mean it with any malice.

I think your are projecting your own insecurities tbh.

Yesididntdothat · 16/12/2023 22:43

A 5 year old on a play date at my house walked into our kitchen and announced that his kitchen was much bigger. It was! He wasn't boasting, he was observing. If he still did it at 10 that would be a problem.

Lavender14 · 16/12/2023 22:46

Candycurrantbun · 16/12/2023 21:53

He's 5. You don't need smart Alec comebacks. You are the grown up.

^this. He's sharing innocently because he doesn't understand the impact of what he says because he is a child.

He'll learn himself as he gets older you don't need to be the one to take that on. You are however responsible for managing your own feelings and behaviours and I think you need to identify why this riles you so much. Does it make you feel inferior in some way? Your child will pick up on your reaction to it, if you make it a big deal then he'll recognise it as a big deal and something to feel badly about.

So I'd be happy that your friends are doing so well and try to model contentment with what you have and how good your life is.

RedToothBrush · 16/12/2023 22:59

Boasting about stuff always strikes me as underlying insecurity. It's a put down to others because they feel like the target has more stuff they crave more - love, attention, friends. If they value stuff over everything else it's not exactly healthy is it?

So don't try and compete. You don't need to. Just do your own thing - you are probably doing more right than you think, because the jealousy is coming in your child's direction. Not the reverse.

AuntMarch · 16/12/2023 23:06

HunterHearstHelmsley · 16/12/2023 22:00

"Cool story, bro"?

Obviously your child has to say that, not you😉

This sort of thing sucks. You know it's come from the parents so want to bite back but you can't as it's being said by a child.

How has it come from the parents? He's simply making truthful observations and voicing them out loud because he hasn't got the social awareness not to yet, because he's 5.

AuntMarch · 16/12/2023 23:08

RedToothBrush · 16/12/2023 22:59

Boasting about stuff always strikes me as underlying insecurity. It's a put down to others because they feel like the target has more stuff they crave more - love, attention, friends. If they value stuff over everything else it's not exactly healthy is it?

So don't try and compete. You don't need to. Just do your own thing - you are probably doing more right than you think, because the jealousy is coming in your child's direction. Not the reverse.

Or, maybe the other kid is five and made a passing comment that his Christmas tree at home is bigger because it is, and HE'S FIVE!

Mouthfulofquiz · 16/12/2023 23:10

Boasting kids are the worst, it’s an unlikeable trait and whilst it’s just kids being kids, they do need to be taught not to do it. It’s basic manners.
I just say ‘we are not talking about that now’ and move the conversation on briskly. Just shut it down. Or ‘bragging is not nice’, something like that.

ODFOx · 16/12/2023 23:20

If it makes your child sad then address it with a 'you have such lovely things which you like. It doesn't really matter if X has different things does it?'
Trying to verbally slap down a 5 year old is unnecessary, even if he is a tiny arse. Hopefully he'll grow out if it, and in the meanwhile it isn't your job to 'fix him'.

MiddleParking · 16/12/2023 23:22

Mouthfulofquiz · 16/12/2023 23:10

Boasting kids are the worst, it’s an unlikeable trait and whilst it’s just kids being kids, they do need to be taught not to do it. It’s basic manners.
I just say ‘we are not talking about that now’ and move the conversation on briskly. Just shut it down. Or ‘bragging is not nice’, something like that.

Yeah that should go down great at the family gathering coming from an extended relative’s girlfriend to a five year old.