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Original poster

Help - divorcing H due to him seeing escort

43 replies

FreshStart90 · 16/12/2023 20:44

Posting for traffic - name changed but long time mumsnetter.

Please can anyone help or offer advice if they’ve been in a similar situation.

I’m divorcing the B as I found hard evidence he saw and used an escort recently. I feel sick and can never look at him again let alone stay married to him. We have two beautiful children who (unlike me) will suffer the most.

I confronted him. He denied it. I told him I wanted a divorce and I have now submitted the divorce application - he has also received it.

He has thankfully left the home. The issue is he recently talked about quitting his job as he was unhappy there so I think he will 100% do this as he will want to try and avoid providing for the children. (He is spiteful like that). He is going to say to a court that he is too unwell to work (he has always threatened to do this during arguments so I know he will say it). There are various health conditions he can use to try and convince a court he can’t work. He won’t need an income as he’s living with his mum now.

I am on maternity leave and not being paid anymore, so if he doesn’t contribute it will be disastrous and I’m feeling sick and angry that he can destroy everything with his dirty behaviour and then on top of that fail to contribute towards his children.

My question is - if he says to the child maintenance service or the court that he has no income (but I have evidence that he has a lot of savings/investments, and is likely to get a huge bonus from work in a lump sum), what are his children entitled to? Will he have to pay child maintenance from his savings or his bonus or can it come out of income only?

I’m so scared and upset, please help if you have any info or have been in a similar situation, thanks in advance.

OP posts:
scorpiogirly · 16/12/2023 23:32

Call the child maintenance people and explain the situation to them. I found them quite helpful.

Sorry you are having to go through this, you are doing the right thing.

Original poster
FreshStart90 · 17/12/2023 01:00

@scorpiogirly thank you

OP posts:
caringcarer · 17/12/2023 01:07

I can see what you are divorcing him. Sadly I believe child maintenance comes from earned income. He won't be able to claim benefits if he has savings. If there is a house you might get awarded more than half to house DC if he isn't working you can argue for a higher share.

WineIsMyMainVice · 17/12/2023 01:15

Sorry I have no advice to offer, but didn’t want to read and run.
But good luck for the future op. Stay strong.

LorlieS · 17/12/2023 01:20

@FreshStart90 Sorry to hear you're going through such a rough time.
What do you mean re not getting paid on mat leave? As in your paid leave is up?

Original poster
FreshStart90 · 17/12/2023 01:37

@LorlieS yes sorry my paid leave is up and without any contributions from him I’m really going to struggle for several months yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
FreshStart90 · 17/12/2023 01:41

Yes we have a jointly owned property so I guess I need to get myself a really good lawyer to fight this for me. He will really enjoy punishing me in every way possible for not only divorcing him but telling his mum what he did, so I need to be prepared for it to get really ugly. I also think he will hide assets or spend a lot more money on prostitutes so that there’s nothing left for his kids. If he does this I have read that he can be held criminally liable for non disclosure?

OP posts:
ZombiePara · 17/12/2023 01:45

Never been through this (or similar), but have you got anything in writing/previous messages about him quitting work to not have to pay maintenance?

I know you said he threatened it during arguments but were they always verbal arguments or written ones?

BouncingJAS · 17/12/2023 01:58

@ZombiePara

Thats never going to work.

If he decides not to work there is no income to reroute.

Only sure thing is half the house and possibly a pension (if he has one).

Thats it really. I would move forward based on those two things only. The rest will be a "maybe".

Original poster
FreshStart90 · 17/12/2023 02:02

No nothing in writing just verbal threats and taunts that if he ever left I’d never be able to keep the house etc and would have to sell it as he would quit his job and not pay me a penny. What about his savings and investments though? How can a person get away with not providing for his children if he has over 300k stashed away?

OP posts:
Tinkerbyebye · 17/12/2023 02:11

If you are divorcing surely you will get sone if the savings? In addition you should be able to get some of his oension

seea solicitor now to get the financial part started. Make sure you have proof if you can

otherwise if he refuses to lay you need to look at benefits

Original poster
FreshStart90 · 17/12/2023 02:17

I did wonder about this, because presumably the courts will let me stay in the house until baby is 18 and I will need to pay the mortgage so I didn’t know if I would get anything else. I can’t pay the mortgage on my salary alone when i go back to work, when I think about childcare and all the other costs like bills etc that he used to pay. He has cancelled all his direct debits and it’s overwhelming me. I can’t believe the law would make it so easy for these people to get away with not paying a penny

OP posts:
CurlsnSunshinetime4tea · 17/12/2023 02:21

i believe your assumption about being able to stay in the home is outdated and unlikely.
you will need to speak to a lawyer.

jmh740 · 17/12/2023 02:21

FreshStart90 · 17/12/2023 02:17

I did wonder about this, because presumably the courts will let me stay in the house until baby is 18 and I will need to pay the mortgage so I didn’t know if I would get anything else. I can’t pay the mortgage on my salary alone when i go back to work, when I think about childcare and all the other costs like bills etc that he used to pay. He has cancelled all his direct debits and it’s overwhelming me. I can’t believe the law would make it so easy for these people to get away with not paying a penny

It's unlikely they will let you stay until youngest is 18 you need to prepare yourself that the marital home will probably have to be sold if you can't pay for it alone.

Thementalloadisreal · 17/12/2023 02:25

Have a look on the website Rights of Women for legal info

Tistheseason23 · 17/12/2023 02:32

If he has no income even if he has savings, he will not have to pay maintenance.

You will not be able to stay in the house unless he agrees.

I would consider how you can support yourself now and long term.

I was in the same position as you and the CMS were not interested. My house was also sold even though I had small children that he did not see. You will get a proportion of the equity from the house sale. Get legal advice about what to do about the savings.

Ladyj84 · 17/12/2023 03:02

Good luck with child maintenance. I got offered 75p a week and he had a full time job still has same job 13 years on. I gave up after a year of fighting and have brought son up alone

Original poster
FreshStart90 · 17/12/2023 09:47

This has terrified me. He can have the house sold even though we have a baby and a child at the local school? What if I work full time and show that I can afford the mortgage and bills on my own? Thank you for the advice everyone, I will speak to a lawyer first thing tomorrow

OP posts:
Heronwatcher · 17/12/2023 09:59

As others have said, the starting point would be that the house would likely be sold, although if you have the kids living with you most of the time you might be able to get more of the equity as you’ll need a bigger place. In terms of the financial settlement the court won’t be looking to “punish” him, just ensure that both parties get a fair settlement which allows them to move on. But from what you have said it sounds like this might be better anyway as you don’t want to cripple yourself paying for the house if you don’t have to.

As @BouncingJAS has said, start on the basis that you’ll get half the house and savings/ pensions and move on from there. Make sure he knows that if he’s not working he will be contributing in other ways, like doing some of the childcare himself. And if he’s working at the moment tell him that if he stops paying for childcare/ the mortgage (a) he will have the kids delivered to his door on the days you’ve had to cancel the nursery, and (b) you’ll do the same and the house will get repossessed (this is probably more threat than anything else but it might get him thinking).

Could you ask the mortgage company for a 6 month payment holiday to give yourself a bit of space and save up for contingencies? And start looking into smaller places for you and the kids- 1/2 bed if necessary- it won’t be forever and still better than living with him.

Rocksonabeach · 17/12/2023 10:02

They will look at the last 12 months so if he stops working you can point this out - that he has earning potential just not using it.

get your solicitor to go for 100% of all marital assets pensions the lot and his money inheritance, shares etc

Original poster
FreshStart90 · 17/12/2023 10:14

Thank you. He won’t do any childcare as he never did any during the marriage and he’s also living with his mum over 5 hours away so I can’t just drop kids at his door - the only possible way he can contribute is by paying maintenance. I’ve found out that he is getting paid for the next one year at least (redundancy package that he has negotiated) so he won’t be able to hide this will he?

Also it makes little sense to move out of this house er have spent a huge amount on home improvements some of which we are still paying for with loans. Kids are happy here, one goes to local school and my family and support network are all close by: after what he has done to me I need these things and so do the kids.

do I need to be afraid that a judge will force a sale even if I can afford the place on a full time salary? I’m going back to work in August when baby turns 1 but I can definitely go back sooner if needed. I was planning to work 3 days a week but on my full time salary I can afford mortgage and bills alone.

yes will speak to mortgage provider today and see if I can get a repayment holiday or go interest only for a few months which are both things they offer for cost of living purposes.

OP posts:
Willyoujustbequiet · 17/12/2023 11:04

No if you can prove that you can afford the mortgage (get a mortgage capacity report as evidence) and are the resident parent it is unlikely the judge will force a sale. You will be given the lion's share in the settlement and like many men he may choose to offset the house and protect his pension.

The welfare of the children is considered paramount in these cases. It's in their best interests to remain in the family home and have the least disruption.

Both parties housing needs have to be taken into account - but that does not mean owning a home for him. Renting is perfectly sufficient.

Also if you scroll down this link you will see that the Government is bringing new legislation in to force unearned income such as savings, property income etc. to be taken into account in CMS calculations. The net is closing in on deadbeat fathers.

https://www.gov.uk/government/news/government-launches-new-crackdown-on-parents-who-refuse-to-pay-child-maintenance#:~:text=The%20Government%20will%20legislate%20to,avoid%20paying%20the%20correct%20amount.

Government launches new crackdown on parents who refuse to pay child maintenance

Parents who refuse to pay child maintenance will face accelerated sanctions as Ministers announce the introduction of new powers to speed up strong enforcement action and other reforms to make the Child Maintenance Service (CMS) fairer.

https://www.gov.uk/government/news/government-launches-new-crackdown-on-parents-who-refuse-to-pay-child-maintenance#:~:text=The%20Government%20will%20legislate%20to,avoid%20paying%20the%20correct%20amount.

Tistheseason23 · 17/12/2023 11:09

Speak to your mortgage provider about taking on the mortgage in your own name and removing his. Find out asap if they will do this.

If you did have to move/downsize (lots of couples do on divorce) look at it differently eg it’s a fresh start not the end of the world.

WorriedMum231 · 17/12/2023 11:12

I wouldn’t worry until he actually does the things he’s threatening to do.

You’re allowing his words to have way too much power over you. Stop discussing it with him, he probably loves the attention and power and talk only about access to the kids. Money, property and divorce issues can all through your solicitors. If he can’t be reasonable you have other options. You left him for a reason, don’t let that reason continue.

Original poster
FreshStart90 · 17/12/2023 11:30

Thanks for the advice everyone, I really appreciate all the input, he is blocked on all platforms so he cannot contact me.

He has no interest in seeing his kids as he’s so far away and hasn’t bothered asking even through our mums who are perfectly fine chatting and have spoken since the divorce was submitted, I blocked him as soon as I found out about the escort as I knew that was the end for me, these are all threats he made before leaving and I know I shouldn’t give it a second thought - but I know he’s spiteful as he’s just changed his Netflix password so none of the devices in the home can connect to it, even though it doesn’t cost him any more if anyone here watches it.

He’s just being vindictive and petty so it gives me an idea of what he’s going to be like going forward. I mean to change your Netflix password so that your child cannot watch something if they wanted to, shows you what a delightful man he was! It’s a good thing I can use a different Netflix account and no one here is bothered by his bizarre actions! It’s just a bit sad and pathetic of him. I would almost feel sorry for him if he wasn’t such a philandering loser.

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