Help - divorcing H due to him seeing escort

[FreshStart90]

Posting for traffic - name changed but long time mumsnetter.

Please can anyone help or offer advice if they’ve been in a similar situation.

I’m divorcing the B as I found hard evidence he saw and used an escort recently. I feel sick and can never look at him again let alone stay married to him. We have two beautiful children who (unlike me) will suffer the most.

I confronted him. He denied it. I told him I wanted a divorce and I have now submitted the divorce application - he has also received it.

He has thankfully left the home. The issue is he recently talked about quitting his job as he was unhappy there so I think he will 100% do this as he will want to try and avoid providing for the children. (He is spiteful like that). He is going to say to a court that he is too unwell to work (he has always threatened to do this during arguments so I know he will say it). There are various health conditions he can use to try and convince a court he can’t work. He won’t need an income as he’s living with his mum now.

I am on maternity leave and not being paid anymore, so if he doesn’t contribute it will be disastrous and I’m feeling sick and angry that he can destroy everything with his dirty behaviour and then on top of that fail to contribute towards his children.

My question is - if he says to the child maintenance service or the court that he has no income (but I have evidence that he has a lot of savings/investments, and is likely to get a huge bonus from work in a lump sum), what are his children entitled to? Will he have to pay child maintenance from his savings or his bonus or can it come out of income only?

I’m so scared and upset, please help if you have any info or have been in a similar situation, thanks in advance.

I have another question, can I refinance to get cheaper deals every couple of years without his permission or will he need to agree every time! Even though he won’t be paying anything towards it. Another thing he will probably try to block to be petty.

There’s automatic rights to snuthing despite what is often written on here

no one knows if you’ll be able to stay in the house.

this will all depend on total assets available
earnings
lentgh of marriage etc

you are entitled to a fair share which might be 50% but could be more OR less

youll need to discuss with your solicitor and negotiate with your ex

thank you, yes I’m aware nothing is really guaranteed, I guess I just wondered how a court might look at things and what sorts of issues I should raise but I will speak to a solicitor tomorrow to get some advice on all this

Nothing really to add here other than what has already been said. Wishing you all the best OP , ive been in a similar situation (no kids though). What I will say though is that, you will get through this and come out the other end. Leave him stewing on his mums sofa because he couldn't keep his dick to himself. Im sure Shes very proud!

FGS ask a lawyer, not a bunch of anonymous randoms on the internet.

Why is his mother letting him live with her!? If she is in touch with your mother, can't your mother speak to her and explain the true situation? She should be putting her grandkids first, not her feckless son.

@Ethylred thanks for that input, obviously I’m going to speak to a solicitor tomorrow! In the meantime as it’s the weekend and most people on here are just looking for a bit of reassurance or a hand hold during a difficult time, and since posting I can see there are clearly many others who have been in a similar situation to me, and to see that others have got through it is somewhat reassuring actually, why does it bother you so much that I have asked for help and advice from a “bunch of anonymous randoms”?

feeling pretty strong today after all these replies, thank you all.

Also I’d probably prefer him living with her for free (and like a bit of a loser), rather than spending money that should form part of the marital pot, on a flat for himself, or for more hotels and escorts

@VanityDiesHard She would never put anyone above her son, he’s her prince! Treats him like he’s gods greatest gift, and although she was ashamed and sympathetic when my mum told her what he’d done, I am sure that since then he has told her it’s all lies and made up some excuse as to why I’ve said it

Remember op the legal process for divorce and financial settlement does not assign blame, and doesn’t seek to compensate for that.

it will look purely at what’s available and won’t leave one party with nothing nor expect one to be in a bedsit while the other is housed nicely

so it will come down to negotiation and compromise on both sides

@FreshStart90 You are wrong to infer that I'm bothered. However, your post was a technical question and listening to answers from unqualified randoms whose experience might or might not be comparable to yours is asking for trouble. Good luck.

@Ethylred I understand your point of view, but my technical question was really just a means to find out if anyone had been in a similar situation. For example, an ex H saying he has no income, and what the range of possible outcomes might be in that situation. I’ve received some really interesting and helpful information , which has given me food for thought, so it was definitely worth hearing from the anonymous randoms! Thank you all.

@millymollymoomoo Thank you: yes I agree blame is really irrelevant, I am fine with the cheating never even being brought up again least of all in court to be honest as it’s neither here nor there, nor is it going to be something a judge cares about. My one and only concern here is the children. And I want to keep the house for the sole reason that it will cause them minimal disruption as DD1 won’t have to change schools. It is bad enough that they are unlikely to see their dad for some time. They don’t deserve any additional upheaval.

She sounds pathetic and enabling. Obviously, his behaviour is his fault and his fault alone, but she shouldn't enable him.

@VanityDiesHard I completely agree. Throughout our 15 year marriage thinking back she has enabled him in many ways. She has always been very nice to me but puts him far too high up on a pedestal for absolutely no reason. Not blaming the MIL because he’s a 39 year old fully grown adult who should really know by this point how to behave and treat people, but some people are just sh*ts I guess. And they hide it well for years.

When you say you can afford the mortgage, do you mean you can afford to pay the full monthly amount as it stands, or that you can afford to remortgage to a higher payment to release equity to buy him out?

I dont think it's as simply as carrying on paying the current monthly fee but hopefully you can get better advice x

@Ohtobetwentytwo I can afford the monthly payment as it stands but not sure what the monthly payment would be if I buy him out - will find out what my options are from solicitors soon hopefully. Not sure I could afford any higher a payment than we are making currently