AIBU to think I’m not being too sensitive, and he’s being mean?

[AmItoosensitive123]

Am I being too sensitive, or is my partner being mean?

Please be gentle with your replies, I am feeling delicate today.

We’ve been together 10 years, both early 30s and have a little one. Our relationship is by no means perfect and we have our disagreements, but recently I’ve felt more deflated than usual.

My partner seems to make criticisms of me, and it’s wearing me down. At this point, I don’t even think he likes me, let alone loves me.

Examples are:

• Comments about the cleanliness of the house but then says it’s banter when I react to it and claims I can’t have a laugh or take a joke.

• When I dish up food, he has made comments about “being on rations” when his portion isn’t as big as he would like it. He says this in jest but I know he means it deep down.

• Says I’m too sensitive, I take everything to heart, not everything is about me or the world doesn’t revolve around me (when I ask if I’ve annoyed him) I just always feel like I’m to blame for his behaviour.

• Says that I can’t take no for an answer when I question something and brings it back to my childhood. Says I was “spoilt” and never told no as a child. Claims I still have tantrums as an adult.

• Asks me why I go on about the same thing, when I bring up how I’m feeling/ about our relationship. Says that it’s boring and do I have nothing else to talk about.

• Jokes about saying that I’m broken goods as I’m adopted but passes it off as banter.

• Says I’m miserable to come home to, but it’s often cos I feel that I’m stuck in a rut and I tell him how I feel but never takes anything onboard.

• Says that he can do what he wants, and that I’m not in control of him when I ask him to get home at a reasonable time. He tells me he will be in by a certain time and never keep to it. Says that he rarely goes out so he can have a blow out now and then. I encourage him to go out and have a good time with mates, but all I ask for is a bit of respect to let me know when he’s going to be home and if he says a certain time, to actually get home for that time.

• Asks me why I haven’t left if the relationship is as bad as I make it out to be.

• Never ever compliments me, unless I say “do you think I look nice” or “does this look okay?”.

• When I ask for a photo of us he moans about it and says that he doesn’t like photos.

• Will never ever apologise for making me cry from insensitive comments. He says that he will apologise if he feels that he’s is the wrong. I can count on one hand when he’s actually apologised off his own back.

• Says that I’m difficult to live with because I blow hot and cold.

• Leaves all the weekend planning to me, anything I suggest he says is boring or we did it the weekend before. But then comes up with nothing himself.

• If I get emotional during an argument he says “stop feeling sorry for yourself”

• When I recall things that he has said in the past he says I twist his words.

If I speak to my friends about our relationship he questions why I’m doing that and says that I don’t tell the full story or I make him out the be the bad person, which I don’t. I try to give a view of both sides.

I am not perfect. In fact I am far from it. I retaliate and in the anger I’ve called him names. This comes from frustration of him promising to do better and nothing changing.

I feel everything is my fault. I feel that I’m responsible for everyone’s happiness, and I don’t feel he’s happy when he is making these comments. I apologise all the time, even when I’m not wrong. I do own when I am wrong and I admit it.

I feel really confused in my brain. I don’t know if I am the problem. I don’t know how to react to things anymore in fear of being told I’m overreacting or being too sensitive. I cannot be myself or express myself in fear of criticism.

On top of this, I am poorly at the moment with a long term illness which my partner has no sympathy.

Am I being too sensitive? Is it just banter?

None of this is your fault. Try to stop doubting yourself. It's hard when your partner has spent a long time breaking your spirit.

He has made a decision somewhere along the line that your role in life is to be his garbage can. He can enjoy filling you up with garbage.

Every relationship has bad spells and everyone is capable of shitty behaviour but the main difference here is that he doesn't care or have any intention of changing. If he's not adding anything of value to your life and is constantly dragging you down and making you feel shit about yourself things will be a million times better without him.

FWIW the examples you've given here are appalling so you can add gaslighting to the list with his bullshit claims about banter and you being oversensitive. Lose the dickhead and move forward without the dead weight

What is your recent diagnosis? He sounds like a nasty piece of work and you sound like to put yourself down too much. It's quite common for partners to go bad when faced with having to look after someone.

If you have told your partner that things he does or says upset you and he makes no effort to change that or doesn’t stop saying those things then he doesn’t respect you or your feelings. The bare minimum in a healthy relationship is respect.

There have been things in the past that myself or my husband have said that have hurt the other person and after expressing those feelings we haven’t said those things again.

For example: I found out a few years ago that my dad wasn’t actually my biological father. I had spoken about it openly and even made jokes. This lead my husband to think that he could speak about it in the same way with people in front of me. I realised it didn’t sit right with me and I told him that unless I bring it up to people or I explicitly ok it when he asks, I don’t want him to tell people as sometimes I don’t want to talk about it. He understood that and ever since then has never done it again.

For a very long time I took everyone’s feelings as my responsibility and I was super sensitive to others moods and feeling like it was my fault if not everyone was happy. I was always really anxious and it took time and therapy for me to learn boundaries (that I was never taught as a child) and to stop taking responsibility for other people’s shit. The only person you can control in these situations is yourself and if your partner continues to treat you the way he is, honestly the only thing you can do is remove yourself from that situation.

Learning to love and respect yourself can be a really painful one and knowing what you deserve takes time. But I am telling you now, you deserve better than this.

Jokes about saying that I’m broken goods as I’m adopted but passes it off as banter.

THIS ALONE is enough to dump him.

What a negging bastard he is.

Dump him and block. Move on. You deserve SO much better.

The adoption thing is bad.

You are worthy of love, respect and kindness.

I wanted to say the same. Fuck him. You deserve better OP!

Your mood, self-esteem and all round happiness will instantly improve the second you dump this waste of space, and don't look back.

Disagree with what exactly?

Even with the first one you mentioned. Sounds like he's gaslighting you

That's not humour - he's laughing when saying it because it amuses him to put you down.

Have you ever seen a car being destroyed in a compactor? It starts off being dented and having holes poked in it, then slowly gets crushed until it's flat and can no longer function. That is, essentially, what this man is trying to do to you. He is poking holes in the things you say and denting your self-confidence in the hopes that you will become powerless.

When you say you want to help him? You can't. He doesn't want to change, that much is obvious given your post. He's enjoying the game of squashing your sense of self. You don't have to put up with that treatment, and your daughter should not have to grow up seeing and hearing you being treated that way. Imagine when she's old enough for him to start berating her in the same way, making her feel small and unimportant because it makes him feel big and clever to talk down to women.

You say that you talk to your friends about him - are you telling them everything as you've written it in your OP? Because if you are, they should be encouraging you to get out. If you are only telling them some of it, but find yourself trying to justify his behaviour and cover up how bad things really are, then stop doing that and just tell them the truth. You deserve so much better that this parasite of a man sucking the life out of you.

That there's 'another side to the story' that would make his behaviour acceptable.
That couples therapy could help.

Oh gosh, who said his behaviour was/is acceptable? I don’t agree with that PP who ever it was.

Are you a couple therapist? If so, it’s interesting to hear your perspective. How you could know that it won’t help from just one small mumsnet post.

If you’re not a couples therapist I guess you’re as clueless on whether it could help or not as I am, and just being forceful on your option to someone you don’t know.

You are in an abusive relationship.

If you aren’t already please speak to your gp to be referred to a therapist.

What a cunt. No it doesn't sound like he likes you. Doesn't matter if he's making comments as a joke, if you're not laughing, and actually crying. He should know not to do it. He probably doesn't care.

The comment about adoption is unforgivable.

You want to help him? I cannot understand why.

I would be packing his stuff up in bin liners and sending him on his way. He sounds vile & you deserve better.

Lots of it sounds fairly minor. He sounds like a bit of a dick and you sound highly strung. However, it doesn’t sound like you are well suited or able to adjust to be more compatible. The broken goods comment is just out and out awful.